Catch 22

Having a moment of indecisive.

Between my inner knowing and an Abraham quote from earlier today, I’m feeling like I need to quit filling in at the independent living center I used to work full-time for.

Yet, I love many of the residents and know I will miss them dearly.

I simply can not keep subjecting myself to so many people living in fear. It is heart breaking watching them deteriorate at light speed because the lack of social interaction is literally causing brain atrophy. I’ve had several residents go from mild forgetfulness to full dementia in the 2 months that Covid lockdowns have been in play. They don’t see their extremely fast decline, all the see is they might get sick. They only know the fear and the “blah blah blah” that they’ve been fed over and over again. They don’t see their inability to walk any distance when 3 months ago they went on shopping excursions with no problem. They don’t see how fast they’ve lost their eyesight, their hearing, their general mobility, because they are doing nothing needing those qualities. They have no reason for their body to live, to do anything, so they’re dieing each and every day they continue to be locked up.

Yet when you ask if they are willing to live like this for the rest of their lives, no matter how many years that is, they respond with “well no”. Yet they believe that if they stay sequestered they will magically never get sick. One resident doesn’t want to live even another year or two, but it’s still terrifying for her to think about getting sick. Another has knees that hurt so bad she has trouble walking downstairs to the lobby, but is terrified she might get sick.

It is so sad.

Even more I can’t handle being told to enforce rules and regulations that I know are illogical. For example: requiring a mask and social distancing- both at the same time is unnecessary, so I feel no reason to treat intelligent adults as toddlers and scold them for only doing one. If I see a cluster of people sitting outside talking, they’re all residents of the building, and all wearing masks, then there is no reason to go break them up like naughty children doing something wrong. Yet that is what I’m expected to do. I have done my best to ignore situations like that to have other staff go and do it like they’re making a point.

Why are we degrading humans in this way? Why are we hating each other in such horrible ways and convincing everyone it’s for safety. Why have us humans turned each other into prisoners? And why is everyone seemingly so okay with this?

This disease has a statistical risk lower than that of vaccines (except where people have extreme poverty and no healthcare), but we continue to treat humans as prisoners in the name of safety.

And I’m labeled a “Hero” for punishing able bodied adults that have enough of a mind to make their own decisions. I’m labeled a “Hero” because I sit at a front desk doing arbitrary tasks that don’t really solve anything. I’m labeled a “Hero” for delivering a meal from family, when I know the resident would rather just be with the family, still living life, if not for the fear that has been drilled into their now failing brain because of big media and illogical regulations.

I’m not a hero. Heros fix things, heros save the world. I can’t save anyone in my role with this company, and I keep watching them die right in front of my eyes from lack of real living.

What’s worse is all of the spouses that have been sperated because of non-viral emergencies. One might be dieing because of sepsis and aspiration pneumonia from advanced stages of MS, but his able bodied wife isn’t allowed to go see him in the hospital. I’m no hero, and everyone involved in keeping that family apart should be appalled at their role. None of them are heros. Yet it’s the 8th such situation with just this one building’s residents during Covid rules. It’s appalling.

I simply can’t tolerate this behavior. I can’t seem to bring myself to continue playing any role in this. I will not allow myself to be called a hero when I am most definitely not. A hero really saves lives, a hero really helps people. Keeping families apart in death beds is wrong and entirely the opposite. Western medicine is not fixing anything. They are causing fear and hatred, and ripping families apart when the bonds of love are needed the most.

If someone is dieing of cancer their family has every right to be there. All of them. But no, only 2 at a time and you must be masked even though you’re all family and Grammy is already dieing. It’s wrong.

I just don’t understand why I’m the only one to see it. Why am I the only one who sees the damage and wants to change it?

I don’t know what to do. I love them, but simply can’t participate in this world. My conscious will eat me alive if I continue to keep doing this.

May you have better days. May you know your strengths and be able to use them. May you feel like you are helping. May you be able to make change when it is needed. May you be of greater assistance when it is needed. May you know how to improve horrible situations. May all our light shine bright and lift this world up. May families be reunited and loved ones able to hold each other when it is needed most. May we all be able to live to our fullest at any age. May we have our freedoms restored. May you know God loves and supports you in any decision you make.

Siva Hir Su

Update: A spider got in my pants leg and bit the crap out of my leg. I’ve got a dozen welts on my lower right leg that I’ve treated to avoid infection. I took the hint from spider. It couldn’t just sit down beside me again, no it had to make sure I got the message loud and clear. This job is hurting me emotionally and I can’t stand seeing people I love so misguided by fear that they are choosing not to live. I can’t watch people slowly kill themselves through inactivity because they have nothing to do and nothing to live for. I will be turning in my resignation. My ethics and my emotional stability are worth far more than a few hundred a month in extra shifts.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s