I care.

Sometimes too much.

Yesterday, my mom called while I was working. I had just talked to her the night before and I was in the midst of another full day, so I brushed it off and knew I’d call her when I got home.

Just after lunchtime I felt as if someone pulled my power cord out of the wall. I suddenly was just exhausted. I still had 2 massages to go, so I took some Chinese medicine herbs I thought would help me get through.

I dragged myself through the last two appointments and managed to get home. Then I returned mom’s call and that triggered a chain of events that eventually revealed the reason for my sudden exhaustion.

Mom explained that Dad had been in at least one and possibly two accidents the week prior. She said she was told his truck had been taken to a dealer, and they didn’t know if he damaged his SUV or not. He had spent a few hours in the hospital being treated for low blood sugars and high blood pressure. They were not sure how he had gotten home, but the hospital had most definitely discharged him.

For some strange reason I decided to reach out to his pastor friend before trying to call dad. I emailed and received a very quick reply.

The pastor said the one accident they knew about, his Yukon had been totaled and they had given him a ride home from the hospital. They had helped him with errands for a couple days, and then did a shopping trip for him.

When they went to take the purchases to him they called several times trying to let him know they would be by later. They even had another friend try to call him. No one could get an answer. They decided to just swing by and check on him.

When they arrived his lights were off but the door was unlocked. They opened the door and saw him sitting in his recliner, but he would not respond to them. They called 911.

This was yesterday, the same time as when I hit my exhausted wall.

Late last night on a conference call with two of my brothers we shared everything we knew.

There was 2 accidents. The Yukon was totaled out by insurance, or at least pending that process. The truck is AWOL at the moment, but we just found out it had been sitting at the bottom of a pond for several days and a farmer pulled it out with their tractor. Dad is currently being treated for low sugars, high thyroid, high blood pressure, kidney failure and congestive heart failure, as well as being evaluated for the dementia concerns. Yet he was unscathed injury-wise and coherent enough to talk to my older brother on the phone.

I care enough that I have done everything I can from Kansas City. I care enough to let everyone involved know I’m willing to take him in immediately if the doctors don’t want him being alone. My little brother is trying to use his police officer skills to track down his vehicles and make sure they are taken care of. My big brother is staying on top of the hospital. I tried to call dad earlier and he was with the P.A., and they both said they would call me back. It’s been about 4 hours and I’ve heard nothing yet. Merh.

Dad has always been stubborn, disgruntled, angry, bitter even, and often abusive. In fact he is where I learned all of my least desired habits and traits. Two of my brothers refuse to talk to him unless necessary. Yet, despite his lifetime of bad behavior, we’re all concerned about dad being in the hospital after two car accidents due to medical issues.

He’s likely going to lose his ability to drive and if the hospital releases him to go back home alone, it may not be long until he has another episode. Which if there isn’t anyone to check on him often enough could mean death.

Dad has refused all efforts both me and my older brother have made to help him. We’ve suggested things to prepare for end of life concerns, we’ve both even suggested him moving closer to one of us. Now it seems there is likely going to be an uncomfortable push to convince him or demand he move where he can have help, the hospital evaluation will determine a lot of the forcefulness there. If he still refuses, another hospital trip may cause the state to insist on a nursing facility.

All of this is stressful to think about and deal with, but I do, because I love my dad; pig-headed, abusive faults and all.

In the end I just hope he’s either okay and cared for, or that he gets the quick easy solitary exit he seems determined to have.

One moment though, leaves me scratching my head, I haven’t knowingly felt my dad in eons. I haven’t felt his dragging down energy since living with him last, well over 15 years ago. Why on Earth did I get hit so hard with it yesterday, but with no indicator of who it was or what needed done? And how did I know to contact the pastor and not him? I get things psychically all the time, but this was just different and odd. It still doesn’t make much sense to me because there is no way I could have done anything with what I did get. If God was trying to save him through me, it failed even worse than any of my other half correct or misinterpreted messages. It’s just a bit confusing and frustrating.

I’m glad the pastor decided to just show up though. Despite the lifetime of hurts from my childhood, which I have mostly worked through and forgiven, I do still love and care about my father. I’m glad he is being treated and cared for.

May you have helpful intuitive knowing. May you always know who is in trouble and how you can help. May your loved ones be safe and healthy. May you have forgiveness for those that left scars. May you love your family through thick and thin. May your parents respect your desire to help. May you have the answers you seek. May you know you are loved and supported and that God cares about all of us. May you have a strong appreciation for the preciousness of all life and how easily it can end a variety of ways. May you know it is not your time to go yet.

Siva Hir Su

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