It has been a long week, dad was released to my custody on Sunday after a short lunch visit with my mom. They are divorced so she’s off the hook, but offered to help some if I needed. I told her thank you and explained I should be okay for now, but she gave me gas money anyway.
Packing him up was a challenge. His RV trailer home is full of mold (mostly on walls so probably due to ceiling leaks) and smells like urine from prior incontinence problems. I was quite distressed over the state of his living quarters, but did my best to ensure he had everything he would need for the short term. I even tracked down vehicle titles to help make sure insurance processing happened. Then we drove the 5 hours back to Kansas City to arrive at midnight Sunday.
I settled dad into my revamped office, now fitted with a twin bed and shelves for storage. Monday we argued over doctor forms, and he threatened to flush pills down the toilet. I didn’t punch him like our move after I married Nathan, instead I felt sad for his denial of fixable things and the obvious nature of his choosing to die. He eventually apologized for making things difficult and said he would try not to do that again.
Nathan and I have both had to help him with toilet trips and Nathan took the lead on shower assist. We have both helped him change clothes.
It’s not that my dad doesn’t understand those things, it is because he is holding so much fluid from congestive heart failure that he is having difficulty with range of motion needed to complete the tasks. The fluid is also causing difficulty breathing even after short tasks like walking to the bathroom. Today he was able to do restroom visits alone and even got his shoes on by himself. However, he is pretty much sleeping the day away- every day.
There are moments that I wonder if he’ll even make it long enough to move him to my sister in Arizona. Then there are moments where I think he has a chance to pull up if he wants.
Ultimately, I know it is between him and God, and I just feel like he is demonstrating that his scale is leaning towards a desire to check out and meet his Jesus. There have been hours of conversations to that effect, and far fewer conversation moments of the things he wants to live to do.
Regardless, I have had to pull back over and over again. I stepped up and took responsibility when my siblings were unable to meet immediate needs. I love my father, but simply can’t be like him anymore. So I have chosen to focus on him getting whatever God sees as his dominant vibration. Whatever my dad wants in his dominant thoughts, needs to become clear and manifest easily. I am intelligent enough to know that I can not change his mind, but the compassionate side of me wants a quick solution to minimize his self-inflicted suffering.
Beyond that the extreme negativity has threatened my happy space, so pulling back has been a necessity to keep myself buoyant. I finally have found my ability to be somewhat selfish. At least selfish enough to keep my mood mostly intact. I still conceed other things regularly, but my mood is vital. I simply can’t afford to let that slip.
May you have moments of clarity and find a way to help those that don’t wish to help themselves. May you be selfish enough to keep your mood and your own personal necessities intact. May you find a way to love your parent(s) even in challenging situations. May you know how to let God work miracles. May those wishing to die get their speedy painless exit.
Siva Hir Su