I can’t stop the war, inside or out.

I’m on day one of my seaweed and fluids fast. 4 hours of massage went mostly okay. I have been on the emotional rollercoaster because I forgot to take my usual lunch supplements in the gap I had just before lunch. So 12 to 2 pm was pretty rough. Once I remembered that and then had a chance to take them, my mood stabilized.

However, the dip caused some sort of release. I’m still processing, but this is my only chance to write in the quiet solitude of Minor Park. A heron decided to join me and landed on the sandbar as I was finding my tree seat, I took that as a good sign. In between sighs and watching water and birds I will attempt to make sense of the mess in my thoughts here.

I can not stop factions of our society picking sides and fighting. It is an endless war of neither side wanting to budge. There is a vast area of middle and common ground that we all could reach for and none of us choose to do so, at least enough to matter for real long-term solutions.

On the same token, I see that a similar battle rages within the cells of my body. Masculine and Feminine halves of my bisexual self can’t agree on what healthy is and how healthy functions. It is a symptom of things both learned and genetic. And this battle too seems to be beyond my control and may kill me.

This week I learned that my grandmother also had a dysfunctional thyroid and dad never filled us in. At least until doctors finally told him his was broken and he had to take the medicine. Him, his mother and his sister all had end of life mental problems including dementia and some straight up crazy. So I’m fighting a genetic generational karmic problem. That is if you see it that way…. Perhaps my family never learned how our bodies were supposed to function, and I am the one with enough intelligence to attempt to solve it. Perhaps I will at least manage to guide my children to more success.

Yet, my problem is more than thyroid function. Immune system on high alert. Ovaries that don’t produce hormones correctly. Old needing and wanting to die, and new doing it’s best to start fresh, which is a seemingly impossible conundrum because new relies on old for reproduction.

My masculine self learned too well from my father: fat is bad- terribly horrible, and I can do nothing right. I will never be beautiful because I was born a woman with bad genetics. I let my father beat all of the negatives into my brain from a very early age, because as a baby I felt his love. I’m sure my young brain thought if I did everything he said then maybe that love would come back. Yet it never did.

My feminine self doesn’t know how to act. What is really me? What are women supposed to look like? According to my father women are supposed to look like super models, dress sexy but not too sexy- that is trashy, and never have an opinion or really matter in any way other than producing children and cleaning house.

But I want so desperately to love every ounce of myself and know that being me is okay.

Yet my masculine self protected and supported my family when we needed it. And my feminine self gave birth to two beautiful babies.

My masculine self kicks ass on the weight machines, but my Feminine self just wants a pint of ice cream and halmark movies.

My masculine self can’t imagine not going to work, simply needing something to occupy my time in a constructive sort of way, and I do like getting paid well- it’s a sign of respect of my work. My Feminine self just wants to spend time playing with my kids and enjoying life.

My masculine self wants my feminine to do it’s duty and produce kids and make a nice home. My Feminine self knows that children wreck my already-a-mess body even worse and I am perfectly happy with the two I’ve got and the home I already made.

My Feminine self wants the masculine to keep supporting and working hard, but she just wants to relax on a beach and stop stressing so much.

Feminine wants to be pretty, would love to be beautiful, but masculine says it never helped anyway- remember the boy taking advantage of you?!

My two halves can not find common ground. I literally tried to talk myself through hormones to get them in balance between male and female, and then talked through acknowledging fat as stored food.

This is an uphill battle I’m not sure I can win.

I saw Shiva and Kali facing off at odds. The stories never go well. Kali usually wins and Shiva ends up dead to be reborn as a baby.

I don’t want that story. I want my own.

In my own, I relax half the time and I work half the time. I have enough testosterone to keep fat reserves low and enough estrogen to function just as a woman’s body should. In my own story, my body is miraculously healed and I can eat normally again- slim and fit and God gets the two sides to stop fighting. In my story a normal diet plus seaweed is all I have to think about. In my story, I work because I want to, not because I need so much money every month to support a family. In my story I am done having children, I have two beautiful healthy kids and I know I don’t have to have any others. In my story, I don’t owe anyone anything. In my story I have already done enough and I get to do what I want now. In my story it’s okay to be half and half and live a healthy life. In my story, I am loved unconditionally by both genders. In my story the old died long ago and the new is finding it’s way to better living. In my story all of me is important and useful and helpful, and I am loved, honored and respected as if I was the adored old hag, but I do look like a model because I want to be visibly healthy. In my story my dome is by a stream so my seat by the tree is right outside my door. In my story I find my inner peace and maintain it mostly. In my story everyone can see my progress and health.

I am neither and I am both, yet my body is a woman. I owe no one anything, and I owe myself everything. I respect myself, I love myself, and I honor myself. I am on one of the hardest journeys that mankind has ever experienced and it matters to no one but me and God. Even if I fail, God knows I tried. Somehow there is a way to get the fighting to cease and find Life, and I sincerely hope I find it.

In case I don’t, someone please tell my kids when they are older that I really tried and I always thought they were beautiful, healthy, and super smart.

Fat is not evil, it is merely stored calories. It is the result of an overabundance of food. We just need to learn how to find a healthy balance before it is too hard to fix. Please, please teach your kids that. Fat is not sinister, it is not ugly, it is not the devil. Once there is too much, you can still fix it, but the more you accumulate the longer it takes and the harder it becomes to regain balance.

Having fat should never be a conversation of self worth.

All women are beautiful beings that give life to humanity, we are not objects to redicule, criticize, control, own, or manhandle.

Men can do great things in this world too, but must honor and respect all people or they eventually become the disrespected.

Please, I can’t stop the fighting amongst my cells or humanity, but I beg you to try and find the middle ground. Find common ground for God, for the good of our planet, for the future of our race. If the fighting doesn’t stop none of us will live much longer. God will see to it that reconciliation is met one way or another.

May you reconcile differences in yourself and your world. May you find peace in your body and your experience. May you know God wants good for us all. May you know there is a way, somehow. May you love yourself for trying.

Siva Hir Su

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s