After last night’s purge, I still feel raw emotionally, but somehow the other memories have seemed to become more distant all on their own.
There’s memories of my brother and I being told we were fat and lazy and good for nothing. Memories of being told that my brother and I would never amount to anything. A strong memory where I was being bullied at school and my father’s response to my mom was that I was just being a whiney bitch and needed to suck it up.
Memories of discussions about puberty not being on time, mom’s concern was there was something wrong medically, and dad said that I was just too fat and just needed to loose weight. At that time I was maybe only 30 or 40 pounds over average weight and it was a huge blow to my confidence. That really started the I’m fat and ugly self hate. Little did they know I had already dealt with the molestation 5 years prior and had begun to internalize that experience. The emotional damage from all of it, if dealt with then, could have healed and I might have lost that 30 pounds and found normal. As it is, dad’s comments and the lack of true assistance compounded matters and I spiraled into thyroid dysfunction that took another 15 years to even properly diagnose. Add another 6 years of my journey aiming to find real healing, and that takes you to my now, not perfect but better than 6 years ago.
All of these memories reflect my biggest fear: that of being like my father. I have had just enough moments that were similar to my father, that I am scared shitless of ending up like him and traumatizing my children. It is pushing me to do better, try harder, work on myself even more and use all the tools to manage my emotions better.
My NLP message to myself is:
You are a beautiful woman on an incredibly hard journey. I am sorry that you wanted love from others when they simply could not do that, and in fact they could only see the worst response possible. They are off the hook. They will eventually have to take responsibility for their actions, but that is no bearing on your beautiful spirit. I love you. You are worth love, kindness, and respect.
You are amazing. You are strong, far stronger than many women or men. You are healthy and you are finding your way to healing. You will stop this karmic cycle because you can see the problem and have already found some solutions. You are not stopping an empty Prius on dry roads that can stop on a dime. No, you are stopping a karmic freight train, fully loaded with intense emotional baggage, on rails covered in God’s tears. It is going to take a while but can be done. You will do it.
You will master your emotions and find true whole body and whole spirit healing, and you will show your children how to do it too. You are far kinder than your father could even try to be. Your few mistakes are just that and everyone forgives genuine mistakes, so I forgive you too. You are worth respect, you are worth being heard and understood. You have found so many solutions all on your own, that you are winning the war. You and your connection to the divine is all it takes, that is what is guiding you through this journey. You are your own Joan of Arc, and that is the biggest blessing of all.
No one can do this journey for you, and you are the only one that chose this journey. Before even being born you wanted this extremely difficult challenge because you felt you could handle it and come out the other side a far better person. So far, you are accurate. This journey has made you stronger, kinder, more compassionate, more caring. You give people assistance even when they have not earned it or made any action to right their own wrongs. You see the deeper spirit of others and want so much for them to find their way to better. You want them to reconnect and be better. You want to help God even when they don’t want to help themselves.
Your strength is not just mental and emotional, it is physical too. You have taken many steps to better yourself and you are doing it. You are healing your body. Soon people will look at you in disbelief, because what they will see is a person so beautiful it will be hard to believe you ever lived through any of that. You will simply radiate health and love and compassion. The Mother Teresa of your childhood that helped so many, is within you and slowly working it’s way to the surface. You can and will do it. God is rooting for you.
You have protected your family in so many ways, but even more you protected your brothers growing up when you were just a little girl. Simply by being you, carrying the light of innocence, you prevented worse things you didn’t even know about. Your determination to be a better person led you to protect your husband and his daughter when life went wrong. You even aimed to protect your father from himself and the medical system he failed to prepare for, you want and still do want him to have whatever he wants. You have done so much for your little world that you deserve good things. Let God give you the good in life. I love you and you deserve so much more.
You are loved. You have a kind and loving husband and God is now felt even when wading through other’s difficult muck. Your kids forgive you for your mistakes, they love you too. You are doing great and the love you already have is enough, but there will eventually be even more.
You deserve to have nice things, and it does not make or break other people if you do. You can have things you want and if someone else gets upset over it, it is their own internal problem. You have done so much and overcome so many things that you deserve every reward that you desire. You are a good person and good people deserve to have nice things and go fun places. Good people deserve to travel and see and learn and experience it all. You have every right to have a wonderful life and full health. You deserve happiness and joy in all aspects of your life. Let God show you the way and know you are loved more than any one person could ever manage. I love you.
May you see your traumas dissapate and even disappear. May you see your full worth. May you love and respect yourself in your entirety. May you release others from any of that responsibility. May you know that God supports you and wants better for you. May you find a way to allow all the good to flow into your life. May you know you are loved wholley and completely.
Siva Hir Su