FYI: there will be images with nudity, if under 18 please leave or read with parental guidance.
Sunday through to yesterday, I fought like hell to even come close to staying buoyant. Yesterday was my son’s birthday and I was determined to have a good evening with him. I was fighting so hard to stay buoyant that I took a small amount of a THC to ensure his birthday was enjoyable. It floated me through until bedtime for kids and then I relaxed a bit on my own before sleep.
Now today I have been able to stay positive all on my own, no herbs. Yet, more than that, there have been 3 things that might have normally trigger a nose dive and it hasn’t. One was bad news from a friend about her lump, and I keep telling her to stay positive that it’s just a cyst. Then there was a phone call gone awry to my husband. After apologies and mutually settling down, we realized something is in the air. Calm followed.
Then right at 1:11 I looked at a song notification on my phone, it seemed to carry a negative message; something about closing the door. Anyway, I deleted it without even listening to the song and looking at the clock I said thank you to the angels. I realized that it is my door and the only one that can close it is me. I am leaving my door open, but only for those that are able to work their way up vibrationally and be honest and respectful and helpful.
Somehow, I feel like I’ve had a turning point.
Another moment that seems to validate that is my self image. I had a moment last night where I realized the self image I have been struggling with is because of having let my father’s words and opinions win when I was a small child. I was told I was fat, unhealthy, lazy and not good for anything. Beyond that I was told and shown repeatedly through his actions and media that only perfect women were beautiful. I logically know that both sides are inaccurate, but I have been having trouble knowing the truth for me.
Finally last night it was like it became clear. I had a mental flash of Alexander Cabanel’s “Birth of Venus”. I very familiar with it from having done a study of it in my art education. The message that came with it was that is what God intended for me to look like before all of the negative programming took hold. That is why I find that body type so beautiful.
So then I spent some considerable time searching the internet for similar women in a variety of fine arts. I saved all of the images in a folder titled “I am Venus” to use as a reminder of what my spirit really wanted me to look like.
Here are those pictures, starting with the trigger image:
At this point, I’m know my body is not there, but I am so much closer than I used to be. I know it is within reach, and a little patience and focus is all I need. What I am grateful for is the knowing that this was my intended body all along. Even more gratitude is felt because it is a widely accepted body type. This body type has been considered beautiful for eons, enough to be in art of all types.
It feels really good to know that my higher self wanted me to have this beautiful body all along, and now that negatives are beginning to clear from my brain for real, it is more and more in reach.
I’m not sure what exactly has shifted, but I am very grateful for the shift and the eliminating of negative memories and programming in my brain and cells.
One moment at a time I am making progress. One step at a time I am leaving behind unhelpful attitudes and vibrations.
Finally, after my self-image revelation I had another revelation about my father. I must focus only on the helpful version of my father. I suspect I know what that will translate into, but it is the only way to prevent the negative from deflating me again. I must focus on him having accepted me wholley and completely, being supportive of my love Nathan and our children. I must focus on the positive side of anything I have ever thought about him. That is the only way to ensure his negatives bounce off of me, and eventually will actually equal helpfulness from his spirit.
To that end, I’m waivering on whether to release my blog to public again. I may spend another couple of days focusing and maintaining my higher vibrational alignment before I resume my normal. I hope those that really cared but didn’t reach out will have patience and understanding for my withdrawal.
May you see the good in everything. May you have patience during this heavy time of transition. May you see the beautiful person God intended you to be. May you find a way to align with the best of everything. May you love yourself and have patience with yourself beyond everything else. May you find a way to keep the negatives at bay and eliminate old negative programming from your brain and cells. May you see your progress and know that you are doing what is best for you without harm to others. May you find progress and help others along the way. May you know that God loves and supports you.
Siva Hir Su