I discovered this evening after Nathan helped me start to climb back up, that I missed one of the people in my energetic bubble that was bringing me down.
It was because I care about them in a different way. Not as in birth family or chosen family. No, like a best friend kind of way. We’re really similar, and I appreciate many things about her. I even find her attractive, though I am certain she “doesn’t swing that way” as in, she’s not into girls. So even though I really really care, I’ve felt awkward in my demonstrated affections, feeling like I was giving too long of hugs or not showing enough affection. I haven’t had many really good friends and it seems like I always screw up somehow. This friendship, I was trying really hard not to screw it up.
Then she got sick. Not ‘oh- stay home from work a couple of days’, not ‘shake it off’; NO- ‘the rest of your life just changed now’ kind of sick. She was devastated, I was devastated. That was the last thing in the universe I would have wanted for her. It was heartbreaking.
I really, really want her to get better.
But, it also occurred to me this evening to acknowledge that the reason we are such good friends is because we have a lot of similarities. We both care far too much for others. We both get stuck in negative loops. We both are a bit jaded and cynical. We both have some of the same addictions. And we both tend to play “worst case scenario” in the worst ways.
I know I have done some of that last one with my own health journey, and it quite frankly worries me a bit that I stress too much over tidbits I learn. It’s a negative snowball I have trouble stopping when facts are hard to take or manage, especially when I am the only solution oriented brain in the room (when specifically regarding my health).
Anyway, I can’t help but see now that those thought patterns might be leading me down a negative rabbit hole that could end up in her place. I don’t want that.
So now I’m stuck in a catch-22. I really, really care and want her back to healthy. But I really, really can’t afford to stick with her current energy/vibration in my bubble, because it is bringing me back down into depressed and unhealthy. It’s making my journey harder when I don’t have much wiggle room to keep up with my higher-self on the journey to get to healed and healthy.
I don’t have a solution yet, but know I need to pull away for now. I have to get out of the hole long enough to try and find one. It makes me sad right now, but I will figure it out. For now I will ask the angels to help me pull away and then pull up.
Somewhere there is a balance in all of my mess. I will eventually find it.
May you find your balance. May you have easy health journeys on positive paths. May you find that your friends are on generally the same path as you and that you are able to remain in vibrational vicinity. May you be able to maintain your vibrational alignment even when your best friend falters. May you find a way to be there for friends without falling into depression holes. May you stay mostly buoyant even in the face of major significant crises. May you know that God loves and supports you regardless.
Siva Hir Su