The upside

The upside of being the pee-on, the insignificant blip on the radar, the tiny fish in the big sea, is that no one really truly cares.

I’m seriously considering disappearing. I could take the money coming in and buy a business and be responsible so that my family will have resources indefinitely.

Or I could leave them most of it in a bank account to do what they want and just leave.

Nathan would probably be crushed. My kids would eventually wonder why I didn’t come home, but like everything with them 20 minutes later they would be back to watching TV and playing like nothing happened. After days and days of that they might also be sad.

No one else in the world would even be phased.

This sentiment stems from having spent the morning crying and kicking people out of my energetic awareness again. I care about them but they don’t seem to care about me.

One of the 3 was gettin’ busy in the wee hours and thought to involve me. I mentally told them to go fuck themselves because they had already turned me away ages ago. I didn’t care to feel their arousal at 5 am.

See, none of the 3 care enough to even be honest with me, let alone even halfway attempt to include me in their lives in any way, shape, or form. So I hit my wall. There’s no point in feeling any of them if all it does is leave me feeling lonely and sad. Brief periods of feeling their arousal or sentiments of love mean nothing when I am very aware that I am left hanging with no explanation, no love letters, no tangible words of solace for the inability to be next to me. No honest truth, no problem explained to be able to reach for solutions.

So I kicked them out, every last one of the three, and especially my parents. Then I cried over the energetic void and also because my simple request can’t even be met.

Even if there is a huge seemingly insurmountable obstacle, I just want the honesty which I have done my level best to provide to others regarding myself and my situation. I just want the caring I continuously give others.

So, since I care far too much and now see that the caring is causing me to hurt; I am confronted with another round of my own decisions, and right now disappearing sounds really good. My thoughts this morning (post ejecting their energy) is where would I go, what would I do.

My health battle and lack of resources to adequately solve it makes me want to take a one way trip to Mount Kailash and disregard radiation warnings. It’d either heal me or kill me and I’m not sure I care which. Either way it would be cheaper than the treatment I would love to try if I could afford it, and I know I should care, but right now I just don’t.

There’s no point in continuing to live if I keep cycling through the same tired patterns never actually solving them and never getting lasting relief and never finding lasting enjoyment or happiness. My world doesn’t depend on those others to fix it, but their energetic impact isn’t helping either. And solutions- I’ve got many that help and if I could fucking keep them all together and functioning I’d have the lasting positive outcome I seek. Problem is it seems nearly impossible to keep them all going indefinitely, especially when I’m battling neverending health puzzles that started before I knew what a virus or thyroid was. I know more than I ever have and have more details about my puzzle, but the whole solution seems more out of reach than ever.

Anyway, as I sit here teetering on the precipice of keep striving vs just disappear, I wonder what it’s all for. I know I feel responsible for others because of my damned parents. I feel responsible for everything and everyone because of my damned parents. Yet my health has suffered and right now I just want to tell everyone to fuck off and leave me alone so my body can either heal or die. Only God knows which one is closest to being within reach. The Doctor sure doesn’t seem to give a damn, and everyone around me has their own shit to deal with. Mine just doesn’t make the cut of mattering to others, so it only matters to me.

I do my best and it is never enough, I can thank my parents for that paradigm too, I was never good enough for them and never will be. My opinions and efforts simply don’t matter enough to be recognized or congratulated, never were unless there was a request attached, like you did a good job on that, now do this.

I simply don’t know. I have more knowledge than ever, and yet want more than anything to go back to being a 5 year old naive little girl laying in the sun with my kitty, before molestation or learning or doing. Before people wanted me to grow up and do everything. Before my innocence was beaten out of me and taken from me.

I told God I’m not his baby factory anymore. He got a girl and a boy out of me and I’m done, beyond that the genetic mess I carry is simply not a good option for trying to ensure that mankind continues to survive. I deserve to enjoy my life some, and if a damn virus is gonna eat my body until I die of cancer then I’ll get my fun while I can. Maybe I’ll magically find a solution to fix my health and have fun at the same time. I’m not gonna hold my breath in the meantime.

May you find a solution for every problem. May you find you are able to be and maintain your own energetic sovereign self. May you have fun things to look forward to. May you know you are enough and that you matter in this world. May you know you don’t always have to be responsible for everyone and everything else. May you feel the love and support of God. May you see your blessings as dominant over your problems. May you find a way to maintain your dignity and see that others respect you even when you have less than spectacular moments. May you know that others care and that when you need the support you will have it.

Siva Hir Su

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