You Win

“Hello Darkness My Old Friend” ~ Simon & Garfunkle

My Vampire is back.

You know who you are pretending you don’t know I write, but regularly stalk me online. Your software isn’t as good as you think it is, but your darkness is the real evidence for me.

I write today to tell you that you win.

Your darkness is invasive no matter what I do, and you are right. You always were. The biggest problem is that you are not only one, you are one of many with the same darkness and none of us will win against it, so I willingly give up and give in. You win.

You told me I was worthless, fat, ugly, stupid, not good enough, I couldn’t handle anything, and no one cared.

You were right, despite my best efforts to prove otherwise. I am fat. I am ugly. I am stupid enough that I haven’t figured out how to fix this. I can’t handle anything, it all gets too overwhelming for me. I am never good enough to fix this for real, for good. And you were right about no one cares, no one that is except Nathan and my one friend.

You were right about everything.

Your desire for guns for protection, just in case. You and everyone like you has created a world where people kill each other and governments take control and wage wars on people just to prove their power. The need for fire power has created a world hell bend on self-destruction. I can’t fix that.

Your fear mongering over illness has a created a world full of sick people, myself included, and no real resources for fixing it- even the best medicine only treats the symptoms and rarely cares to reach for cure. The latest version created a battle for “I can’t breathe” and now the world gives us more and more reasons to not be able to breathe. Forrest fire smoke spreading around the world, volcanoes erupting. You made us afraid we wouldn’t be able to breathe and the earth answered that request.

Your greed for money has caused a world where greed wins. Medical institutions only want to do that which will make them money, and they have no care to help heal, especially if you are poor. Governments are just the same, and corporations are even worse most of the time. As long as it makes a profit that is what matters.

Your hatred of black people has continued 200 years of suffering and death for them, but you still hate them so much you don’t care to fix it. You even created a world where my own husband was treated improperly and I fear for the future of my own children. You still don’t care, you still don’t see the problem, because it is not your problem. You don’t face the consequences of your hatred, so much so that you think I am unjust in the way I treat you.

You want to be right so badly that you cling to wrongness and disdain. You want to be right so badly that you keep feeding the battles between people. You want to be right so badly that you continue to hurt others with your hatred and words and inflammatory actions.

I’m here to write that I don’t need to be right. I don’t need to win. I don’t need anything.

I wanted lots of things, but what I wanted never mattered anyway, because you refused to see the value in any of it.

There’s a story in Indian mythology where Shiva and Kali are two halves of a whole and neither can exist in the presence of the other for very long. Kali inevitably kills Shiva as she is waging war on her (the world’s) demons. I have felt for a long time now, that you were a part of that story for me. The problem is I can see value in refusing to perpetuate the old hashed and rehashed paradigms. So I give up and give in. I don’t need to win, and I don’t want to kill you. I just want peace.

I can’t handle life, living like this, constantly battling the darkness. I am simply too tired to care anymore. So, I give in. I relinquish my power. I allow the darkness to win and finish me off. I don’t need to fight anymore. I don’t need to pass on old unhelpful paradigms. I don’t need to damage my children any more because your darkness wins too frequently. I don’t need or want any of it anymore.

I have done my level best to fix this and heal myself, mind, body, and spirit, and my best is still not good enough as evidence by this morning’s energetic attack. You win.

I want God to end the suffering and let me be in peace. I give up. I don’t know what that will mean, but I accept the answer in whatever form it takes. I am willing to play a dyeing Kali, so that one unhelpful paradigm can be released.

I am not afraid of disease as I carry more than one, at least two of which I got from you as a small child. It ALL could be healed if I could let God in long enough, but you ensure that I can’t.

I’m not feeling a need for protection via firepower, I see both the futility and the insanity of that. Beyond that I know that God protects me, even if it means I leave life on Earth.

I love my fellow humans, all of them, even the ones like you that hurt me. Even when those hurts happen over and over again, I still love them. I wish for nothing more than for people to stop hating on each other and fighting.

But beyond all of it, I just want peace. I can not fight the battle inside myself anymore. I have spent 25 years fighting this battle, because I was supposed to live for those people that didn’t care, and I just want out. I hope that God hears my prayer and honors my request.

I give up and you win.

May you see and realize your rightness. May you find relief in that knowing. May you get the results you always wanted. May you be happy with your creation. Above all may you know that I love you even though you hurt me our whole life together.

Siva Hir Su

About Treasa Cailleach

I'm a massage therapist working with chiropractic and the elderly; musician, artist, pagan, mom, B of LGBTQ, & polyamorous professional.

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