As I Am.

I sit soaking in my tub, with 3 pounds of Epsom Salts in the water. Enough to relax muscles and cleanse energetic junk. As I soak I’m singing along to Summer Osbourne’s song “As I Am”. It’s really helping a lot!

This isn’t the best recording ever, but gives you an idea why I love her music.

This link has the whole album with better audio….

It is cleansing a shit-tastic roller-coaster rocky-climb of a couple weeks out of my system. Today was an especially special day where I metaphorically ran all day long just trying to keep up. A large chunk of it was a three floor plumbing disaster with me and one other manager on duty.

Yet, I mostly managed to keep it together these two weeks. I had my moments of that being in question, but I didn’t ever crash until late at night, and when I did, I went straight to sleep.

I am so grateful for the song and the soak, so I reached out to Summer with the following. I really do appreciate her in many ways.

Even though I can’t duplicate that concert from years ago, I can still appreciate the memory. I know whether she reads my words tonight or later, that she probably needs the lift of a compliment as much as I do.

If we lived closer to one another, I’d do so much more, like I do for so many.

Right now I’m doing my best to release a strong desire for reciprocation. I have given compliments, gifts, flowers, and help to many people and many organizations, and it seems I still wait for any to return to me. I fight the energetic backlash of those that feel like I owe them more and more. I fight the energetic drain of those that simply need more than I’m able to give. But I still do my best to help as much as I’m able, knowing I may never see any return to me. I can hope right?

In the midst of today I took 3 seconds to snap a picture of a flyer at work (see below) that I know my presence contributed to. I noticed it a while ago, but it’s posted in an area with restricted travel due to covid, so I have been waiting patiently for the moment to claim proof. If you’re a regular reader you probably see my influence as readily as I do. The first time I noticed it it made me cry.

I know that superiors had been stalking me electronically after my one chain of command lapse a year and a half ago. I never had proof until this poster. I’m flattered and honored they took advice I never gave them directly. I just wish moments like that meant more for my individual daily experience of life.

I am grateful that I was able to have a positive impact on such a large organization.

As the chiropractor flippantly commented: ‘maybe that’ll earn me my angel wings’.

I’m not so concerned about angel wings, I just had hoped that God would help me improve life so my kids didn’t have to struggle so hard to stay healthy and to find themselves. I had hoped maybe if I could help others, God would help me find my healing. So far, I keep giving and hoping, and struggle to overcome my angry-at-the-world moments.

So. I sing. I am safe, I am loved, I am grateful, I am free. I’m as perfect as can be. I am here, I am whole, as I am.

Thank you Summer Osborne.

God, it really would be nice for a little more reciprocation some times, or at least for my immune system to chill the eff out.

May you know you are safe, loved, perfect and whole. May you find gratitude in whatever ways possible, even if you have to squint to see it, or search long and hard for the tiny tidbits to reach for. May you know God supports you and that someday it’ll be worth it somehow. May you know everything works out for the best.

Siva Hir Su

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