Delusional Fantasy

This quote has stuck in my head.

I sit fighting yet again with feeling mass consciousness being in a state of mass hysteria and fear. The whole ‘chicken little sky is falling’ is a bit much for me being an oversensitive type. However, it amused me that my kids watched a “Pete the Cat” episode yesterday covering safety and being overly cautious. I saw where a bit of it applied to current events.

I also am butting heads energetically with my ET again- so much so, that I have chosen the following statement to combat it: “Shiva, go destroy yourself, destroy your fear, your anger, your negativity, Siva Hir Su”.

It helps, but it is a constant battle.

I really don’t need to know the truth behind that connection anymore, be it my father or the past love interest, or something bigger than either. I just know I want the negativity to die, let it destroy itself. Maybe that would actually help create something better for once, not some half baked, not quite right, skewed approximation, or the shit this world is full of right now.

It also seems to me that the divine masculine collective (my father and a few others in my awareness included) are either not ready or not willing to change. They simply can’t seem to reach for love, acceptance and honesty. But maybe that is because I really just want an apology from certain ones, with some honesty, and really wish for all of me to be honored, and respected.

Regardless, I do feel like I’m trying to run with my own personal delusional fantasy, but with a thousand pounds of other’s muck weighing me down.

So beyond my short acknowledgement, I had wanted to write for a release and a reach for better. I’m not sure I can muster it today. Every thought brings negatives, every positive is drown out by hopes dashed, worries and fears, and most aren’t even mine. I fight, but today I have failed to win.

I tried to think about my place at the clinic in a positive way, and even failed at that. I won’t steal their thunder. They have worked hard for what they have. They are intelligent, hard working, and deserve acknowledgement for their efforts and knowledge. They do care in their way. Just because I need to continue to reach for improvement, does not mean I have to take theirs. I had hoped they would see all of me and my desires, and I had hoped for more with them. Alas, everyone only sees the part they want to see (maybe more human defect).

Yet, my feeling good told me that there was more. That I mattered in the ways I wanted to matter. But it seems that maybe it really was just my delusional fantasy.

I am just a place holder. This thing for that person, that thing for this person, etc.

Part of me wishes I did love guns as much as my father, I would kiss it and pull the trigger for the full experience and the release it brings.

As it is, I’m supposed to stay alive, and just live my mini-Atira on a shoestring budget. My dreams seem so far out of reach.

When we finally get the relief we’ve been waiting for years for, I don’t know what I’ll do. I have no idea how much it will be yet. I still hope it’s enough to buy a business or at least become a partner of one. But I simply don’t know, and what I wanted doesn’t seem to exist, especially at the clinic. It a good clinic but just not meshing completely, and I’m significant to no one. I’ve lost some of the confidence that I’d eventually be able to build my Atira, I’ve even lost confidence in being a business partner because I’m not wanted in the way I had hoped for.

I want to believe, but the darkness has filled my head with doubts again. It doesn’t help that I am living a close but not quite life, one that has limitations based on relationships and structures and locations. Covid has become the new F word, and I have taken to hiding more and more.

This world is not life. This world is not love. This world is shutting down and hiding in fear, and even my little close-but-not-quite clinic has fallen into it. Even my own home has too many conversations about what is going on out there, instead of being a peaceful reprieve. And the darkness and chaos that dogs me frequently, gets to my children too. I feel it hit me, and within minutes my kids feed off of it and ramp up into trouble.

My candle is about to go out in a sea of darkness, and I’m not sure I care anymore.

I have excellent days where I keep my head above the dark waters and can find the moments of positive to latch on to. Sometimes those good days fall in a decent stretch. This week I managed to keep it together most of the days, and struggled only on Wednesday and today. Other times it seems reversed. Regardless, the outer world is getting darker and colder, and it’s not just the weather.

Every time I reach out, my efforts just don’t matter.

Even my good days I feel sequestered and isolated.

Why is anyone afraid of dieing?

Our world died months ago and no one is doing anything to fix it. Hospitals still ill equipped, no solution for any virus that anyone has ever contracted, economy still in the toilet, business that will never reopen, increased suicide rates, increased depression rates, increased anxiety rates, increased opioid drug use, increased theft/burglary rates, increased auto-immune diseases, increased autism, increased anaphylactic allergies, no parties, constraints on gatherings of any kind, churches shut down, longer and longer lines outside at food banks, more homeless, more unemployed, yet national guard has been deployed to several overseas locations. Weather patterns shifting, coral reefs dieing, polar ice caps melting, plagues of many insects, wildfires burning entire states to the ground.

Really, seriously, is there anything good left?

There has to be, but winter has hit, so tress are bare and flowers are dead/gone. I find myself watching squirrels over and over again. I told one yesterday ” Do you know how cute you are to me right now?!”

Even our winter holidays that have existed for hundreds of years, thousands even, intended to help people make it through harsh weather and excess darkness, have been sidelined or shut down completely. We might as well just kill each other now, if we all started shooting each other it’d be over quicker.

It is what it is. I’m okay for the moment and my mood shall pass, I’ve practiced enough to know I’ll pull up again. I guess I will just have to latch onto watching squirrels and do my best to ignore every iota of everything else.

“Shiva, go destroy yourself, destroy your fear, your anger, your negativity, your chaos. Siva Hir Su”

Siva Hir Su

Siva Hir Su

May you see some positives in your world. May you find your strength and endurance to keep your own light bright. May you see the light at the end of the tunnel. May you be significant to others. May the darkness and chaos leave you alone. May the darkness and chaos kill itself. May those of us wanting to make the world a better place survive and find each other.

May God’s light shine bright and protect the positives. Om Shanti

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