It seems every time I pull up someone yanks me back down.
One, I truly loved, simply couldn’t tell the truth. Lied to me, ghosted me dozens of times. I finally cut them off with “tell the truth and be consistent, or leave me alone”. Yet their energy still plagues me, and my whole family, after old posts related to those hopes have been re-read.
Their partner in crime (I still have no idea if it was the sibling or spouse or a good friend), couldn’t tell me the truth either. Yet I still get their junk too. I fight it off regularly. They still claim a connection to my body that haunts me more than it ever helped.
My dad is the same. Couldn’t ever be kind and genuinely loving. Couldn’t ever say “I love you” without following it with a ‘BUT’ statement. Couldn’t ever help me in ways that I needed. Couldn’t ever accept me and my desires wholly. Still doesn’t. Only wanted to help the way he thought I needed it, and with the solutions he thought were best for me, based in his effed-up 1950’s old-white-man ideal of non-reality. Yet he still likes to stalk me digitally and send me on wild goose chases he could deal with himself. And of I don’t say something nice he cloaks my entire home in negative chaos for hours, until I can smudge it away.
There’s at least 3 others that I know do the same, if not more.
Two are currently in my life playing dumb. I know by their behaviors. On one hand I know they care because they are trying, they make efforts to change based on things I write about. On the other they drag me down energetically on a regular basis, live in the fear society pushes, and can’t even tell me the truth. I love them both, but they seem to hate each other. It leaves me wanting to run away. I refuse to cause a schism by picking a side, I would rather just walk away all together- loosing both, and I’m inching closer and closer to doing so. I desperately want them both to put aside their differences, acknowledge me and my desires, and just be honest. I feel like I deserve that.
At the end of all of it, I’m left with a simple quandary:
Why is it so damn hard for people to be truthful, honest, and genuine with me?
Why is it so damn hard for people to accept me and my wants, needs, and desires, enough to genuinely support me in being me?
It must be why I have no really good friends.
It’s also why the shotgun in the closet at work is so tempting. No one would have to stalk me, digitally or otherwise. No one would blanket me in negative chaos. No one would have to worry about dragging me down with their negativity. No one would have to keep lieing to me. No one would have to change anything about themselves. No one would have to get along for my sake. No one would have to admit they’ve been coveting my words and lieing to me about anything. I would just be gone, and if I was gone they’d get over me a hell of a lot faster.
I deserve better. I am at a loss of how to make the negativity disperse. For now I keep fighting for my own life, but it’s getting awefully expensive with everything I have to take to keep ahead of it.
I deserve honesty and truth and love and acceptance. I deserve people to reciprocate my devoted actions. I deserve better.
May you find that you are supported by honest helpful people committed to being in your life. May you have a chaos free, peaceful home and existence.