I didn’t realize.

I don’t know if it was the adjustment to my Om Shanti mantra practice, or if the chaos subsiding was enough to let in messages. All I know is I’ve had one.

I’ve heard of references to “downloads” and I suppose this would fit. For me it’s more like my mind is keenly aware of certain moments or memories and how they fit together. Just like when you are placing puzzle pieces and you have the “AH, That’s where it goes” moment.

I was not aware that I was accomplishing what others would deem impossible or near impossible, but that is the message I got.

I was having a conversation with someone that has had dealings in the drug world and is doing their best to get back to clean living. They were explaining how hard it is to get by in this world, and expressing exasperation over the difficulties. They explained that when they were dealing drugs they were bringing in 5 to 6 grand a month and it was not really enough for their situation, but they also said that their previous acceptable clean job topped out at about 3 grand a month and that was when they were married and had a two income household.
They were essentially explaining how expensive it is to live in America right now and meet the demands of just regular survival.

A long while later, I remembered a conversation with my father where he pointed out that he was making $55/hour when we were kids. I had simply responded that is what I make, but I can’t handle 40 hours a week of hands on time, so I don’t draw the full salary that he did. It’s also why I keep doing other things on the side to supplement my massage income, and thus work constantly.

My “download” showed me that my father was a salaried engineer with benefits, and he couldn’t afford to keep us in a solid safe home, our home was a mobile-home trailer. He could never figure out finances well enough to do many of the things I have done. He had spent a massive amount of money moving our family all over the Midwest chasing the next best job that hardly ever actually was. When he wasn’t spending money on moving us, he developed a porn addiction and racked up thousands of dollars in credit card bills which caused conflict when mom had to try and pay them off more than once.

Then this new conversation, the person is a single person living in the same area that I am. They too can’t make 5 grand go far enough. They are only supporting themselves and still have nothing to show for it. No savings, a repossessed car, and nothing to catch their fall.

Now, I don’t really have anything to catch my fall except myself and God and $250 in stocks. But it’s been enough for a decade, and I’m going to trust it will continue to be enough.

I have however supported an entire family on what I make for 11 years, even though that family has grown. When that journey started I was making less than $25,000/year. I currently make about the same level of income that the ex-drug-dealer was bringing in, topping out at about $5500 on a good month. Yet I have bought a good solid safe home, I have managed to find us a really good second vehicle and keep our first old car running. I keep my kids clothed and the whole family fed. I keep the utilities on and running. I even manage to get basic entertainment and holiday decorations for my family covered, and every once in a while we get to eat out. AND I still offered a room in our home to a woman that needed it, free of charge until she can get her normal back.

Now, I have on several occasions put too much on credit cards, and had to spend awhile paying them down, but I did, and it was never because of an addiction. I have also spent most of my adult life relying on second hand thrift stores for much of our necessities, but I’ve gotten really good at finding the beautiful gems in the sea of well worn and tattered choices. AND I only relied on government assistance the first year after Nathan was diagnosed with his heart stuff.

I have and continue to support myself and 5 other people, on what two others told me was not enough. I have always known that our budget was tight. I have always struggled to try and find a few more dollars here and there, hoping it would enable me to be able to fulfill desires for someone in my family. I have worked as hard as I simply could, to be able to make things better for my family in any way I could figure out.

And mostly I have. Our home is beautiful to me. I love it a lot. It’s not my dream dome, but it is very literally the best home I’ve ever had. I am so very grateful to be able to go there every night and sleep in a comfortable bed, knowing my entire family is safe and comfortable. I am so grateful that it is the safe reprieve for my family, and that they can do all of the things we call a part of life from there. I am grateful that my children are being educated there, and avoiding all of the covid nonsense affecting public education. I am grateful that I have managed to supply TV’s and toys for my family and kids, it keeps them entertained through long days of Covid restrictions and bad weather too.

I am grateful for all of it, and I know that there are certain elements that God did help me with. God guided me to the right choices and when my patience wore thin, I would always get a break or a boost from somewhere. I wish I was able to allow more, I would love for bigger relief and less work, but I am very grateful for what I have managed to allow.

On top of it all, I have slowly chipped at healing myself. Only Nathan by my side to help (worthless doctors only pretending to). Again, I’m not fully there, and wish I could find a way to allow more. BUT, I have still accomplished a lot. When you consider my aforementioned financial hurdles and accomplishments, and then layer on top of that that I have mostly overcome debilitating depression, given birth to two children at home, and slowly rebuilt my body- I really should be congratulating myself more. I know that God has helped me with that too. God has guided me to try supplements or having conversations with people that fill in blanks and answer questions I needed answers to. God had given me the gift of Reiki and some nights it turns on and works for me without any effort. God has helped me find pain relief and enabled me to work in a clinic similar to my dreams, so that I had access to even more tools to improve me health. I’m not an Abercrombie model, I’m not a professional athlete, but I am pretty damn healthy and strong considering the challenges I have faced my entire life. I know I still have a ways to go, but my recent “download” made it clear that I need to appreciate how far I’ve already come.

I have kicked some major ass in both finances and health, and with no one but Nathan supporting me. He did his best too, sometimes that was a bigger challenge for him because of his health journey, but he has stuck by me. Not only has he been there for emotional support, but he has followed my lead and everything that I try to do, he puts equal effort into. If I change my diet, or exercise regimen, he matches suit. If I note something is imbalanced in finances and we’re having trouble keeping up, he helps me figure out how to make the scales balance again. He puts as much effort into everything as I do, and for that I am utterly grateful. I love you Nathan.

May you see your accomplishments. May you understand how far you have come. May you see your value to others. May you see that you are successfully doing your best and setting a good example. May you understand that God is as appreciative of us as we are of the divine. May you find ways to allow even more and even better into your life.

Om Shanti.

About Treasa Cailleach

I'm a massage therapist working with chiropractic and the elderly; musician, artist, pagan, mom, B of LGBTQ, & polyamorous professional.

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