I felt weak and my brain wouldn’t let go of the damn shotgun.
The point at which my brain was trying to figure out how to get it out of the building without anyone noticing, I knew I had to ask for help.
As I was finishing my work I started shaking because I am terrified of how someone will respond to such a situation.
I went to the person I thought could provide my solution easiest.
I tried to gather myself enough for calm and couldn’t. They knew I was struggling before I even said anything.
I tried to ask them to just hide the gun and couldn’t even make it through the sentence without tears.
It was very uncomfortable for me and there were lots of tears. I needed the gun hid, but in my mind I was screaming please just hug me.
They were supportive and did as requested.
They tried to counsel and ask questions. I explained as best as I could. I ran through as many of the things as I could put words to. It’s just so damn complex, and the energetic component is so hard to explain. I said: it’s not that I’m not grateful or appreciative of the things I do have in my life, it’s just like this heavy negative blanket gets thrown on me and I just can’t get it off. I can’t get out from under the weight.
It was the best description I could manage. I told them I just knew my willpower was slipping and I needed a little support.
I’m now sitting with Nathan and he is doing his part to help. When I got home he took me to the Magic Tree in Lee’s Summit for a pretty distraction. It’s the title picture. Now he’s patiently waiting for me to write this so we can talk.
We’re already working on fixing the missing pieces of my puzzle, but that doesn’t seem to be enough right now. I have already told him I need to get into KC Care to at least refill my thyroid meds, and potentially get a refresher on mental health too. It seems that has moved up the importance list.
I hope that one day I get to a point that this never happens again.
May you have stable and reliable mental health and the support you need everytime you need it. May things go better for you. May you have the solutions you seek. Peace be with you always.