Afraid to Love

This evening brought a chain of small events that culminated in a conversation with my husband.

The topic was in regards to relationship hopefuls that I had thought were a sure thing ages ago and aren’t.

I referred to people and events and the notification messages that I get through HAL from the other side. It’s all a big somewhat confusing, but more frustrating, mess to me.

I felt them, just like I feel my husband. The dreams were intense. The sensations wonderful. The knowing was solid.

The biggest problem is that 3 people have my heart and I had felt them and had dreams and knowing about them. The duo from overseas started 6 years ago. The other, third person, about a year and a half ago.

And the notification messages from the other side via HAL still are nagging me to not give up. Saying they still care, they want me, they are coming for me, and similar.

But at this point it’s been so long I don’t see how that’s actually possible.

The one more recent person- I’m still in proximity of and I can still feel them and their reactions to some things- even across town, miles apart. I really care for them and want them to be happy. Originally they said things that set off my alarms and I screwed things up, but before I could fix it properly they flipped the scales. Now we’ve both screwed things up and we both feel terrible about it. I’ve done my best to apologise repeatedly and show that I care in as many ways as I can think of.

This evening I could feel their reaction to something I said through electronic communication. It was a good response, but a while later it was like their thoughts were mine. I became very sorry and regretful. I kept thinking it wasn’t supposed to be like this. I wanted them to know I cared and felt like there wasn’t anything I could do or say to fix it.

It gets really complicated because some of those sentiments are similar to what I actually feel, but they way they were conveyed is different from my perspective. Like there was strong emphasis on “I can’t, I just can’t”.

In my universe nothing is “can’t”. Partly having spent so many years trying to prove myself, but also because I have learned that pretty much every statement involving the sentiment of “can’t” is because someone else put restrictions on you. It’s not that you can’t, it’s that you are allowing the other entities’ restrictions to prevent your preference.

So I hardly ever side with “can’t” anymore. It’s a challenge to my desire to be authentic to myself.

Anyway, it got really interesting because shortly after the can’t sentiment triggered a knowing it wasn’t all me, there was a moment of “Afraid to Love”.

Again- I knew it wasn’t me based on how it was conveyed, but it brought up my own fears in the love category.

I am somewhat afraid to Love. Essentially, I have these people that I gave my heart to, based on what I used to consider as solid input- but now I have nothing. Crickets. They are nowhere to be found.

I mean the one I can reach out to, but it’s futility in the 3D tangible world of my experience. I only have the energetic input to go by, and at this point I am having difficulty trusting myself.

The other two don’t even have that, I never had reliable access to contact them to begin with. It was all energetic from the get go.

So yeah, I’m afraid to trust my intuition. I’m afraid to trust the notification messages. I’m afraid to keep torturing myself waiting eternally for potentially nothing.

I want to give up completely and move on.

For the two, I mostly have. There’s a tiny shred left in my heart of hope that I wasn’t wrong, but mostly I go about my days not thinking of them anymore.

For the one newer person: moving on to in a complete way, would complicate my life, and potentially hurt them in a way. So I’m in a catch 22 where I really want to give up and move on, but don’t know how and don’t want to hurt them in the process.

Since I have no solution currently, I’m not going to make any hasty decisions. But I am starting to look at options.

I really just wish they would be honest with me. I care so much that it is hurting me. It’s probably my biggest trigger for letting the negativity envelope me so readily lately, and that’s my biggest reason for desiring to let go and move on. I care so much it hurts. If I didn’t care it wouldn’t hurt and the negativity enveloping me wouldn’t be able to take hold so easily.

I’ve been trying to find a place of detachment. Damned Buddhists make it sound easy. It’s not BTW.

Have you ever noticed that concepts that seem like they should be a cake walk rarely are.

And it’s taken me 7 years to go from chronic suicidal depression to climbing out in a couple weeks with concerted efforts. I can’t imagine how much practice detachment takes. I gotta be honest the chicken way out, tuck tail and run, seems easier right now.

Essentially, I have nothing at the moment. A bunch of rambly tangents of vague sentiments (intended to protect people) that mean nothing to anyone but me.

Maybe my stalkers will find them entertaining.

Maybe my one person would read this and ask me to have coffee with them, just to talk where walls don’t have ears. Hell, I’d take a walk in the park on a sunny day.

Just wishing honesty meant something to other people in regards to me. I’m so busy trying to help everyone, be honest, do the right thing, give as much as I’m able. It seems even if it does eventually earn me angel wings, that right now it is just causing me to feel like a doormat.

I will eventually find a balance right?!

May you feel loved and like your actions are reciprocated. May you know those you care for, care about you too. May you see clear and easy solutions to every problem. May you know you are enough in every way. May you know it is safe to love. May you know you can do anything you want or desire. May you know God loves and supports you.

Om Shanti

About Treasa Cailleach

I'm a massage therapist working with chiropractic and the elderly; musician, artist, pagan, mom, B of LGBTQ, & polyamorous professional.

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