That was my afternoon and I thought of the serenity prayer as a result.
I spent all of my working hours thinking about things that would be really nice to experience. Followed by, it’s okay though, I am alright regardless.
It felt good to just let dreams be dreams. To acknowledge that the likelihood of any of it was improbable, but that it would be amazing if it weren’t. I focused on all the good things I wanted to see and hear, things I’d love to have others do or say, places to go, things to do. Then acknowledged over and over again that regardless of any of it, I am okay and will be for a long time to come.
Sometimes dreams, especially daydreams, are just a tool to feel good.
I even acknowledged that maybe my childhood dreams of Atira were just that. It was me dreaming up things that made the world a better place, because my world didn’t feel that good. Atira was me wanting to feel loved, and feel supported. Atira was me wanting to feel like an important part of something, like I mattered, and like I could go and do fun things and help people. Atira was abundant and fun and friendly. Atira was safe strong homes compared to our trailer home. All of the things missing in my childhood were embodied in my dreams of Atira.
And so, I sat today and acknowledged the many elements that I have accomplished. I have a safe home. Thanks to the clinic, I do have more financial abundance, but I also help people daily. I work with friendly people both in staff and clients. I am more supported than ever. I could use a little more fun in my life, but it’s not exactly out of reach either, just some logistics and rearrangement needed. Many of the pieces I was reaching for in my dreaming of Atira are now a part of my life.
The pieces that aren’t might eventually come to fruition, but then again they might not, and that’s okay. My family and I are doing okay. Things could be better, but they could definitely be worse. I also spent a long time thinking of how things have been worse, and appreciating the good things I now get to experience.
I stopped at a store on the way home for a few items needed for dinner. I walked in, found them, paid and left. Quickly, easily, and without much thought (my brain was on these thoughts). It was a stark contrast to days spent buying meals with food-stamps trying to get the right item that would be covered and literally counting pennies, nickles and dimes for anything that wouldn’t be covered. Did you know that toilet paper isn’t covered by government assistance programs in Kansas City? I have to assume that applies to most or all of the U.S. Yet, now I don’t have to do that. I no longer have to count pocket change, and most of the time I buy what we need regardless of brand or cost, and there is no concern for rules regarding what is okay to purchase (a really good thing since I have all the food allergy concerns). I have purchase freedom, and most of the time enough abundance to get what is desired or needed. There’s no Tesela car yet, and clothes still mostly come from thrift stores, but at least I can keep everyone covered – did I mention I’m really good at finding the good stuff. I also live in the best home I’ve ever had, and though some might call it average, I think it’s beautiful. I have running water and we no longer need the 10 mile treck for a truckload of well water. We have central air and heat, and aren’t freezing around a wood stove because of poor insulation.
Anyway, what I’m trying to say is that I really do appreciate what I have, and how far I’ve come. Every aspect of our lives is better than some of our worst periods, and for that I am truly grateful. I do see improvement in many ways, and even if my dream community never happens, I am okay. I know each day I live is a blessing and an opportunity to keep working on myself and keep aiming for better.
When I got back in our van to finish the drive home, God validated my afternoon. The 4 songs that played were as shown below. I am living the best version of my dream that is possible from where I stand. One day maybe I’ll see my Atira over the rainbow.
May you know that you are okay, and that sometimes dreams are just meant to help you feel better. May you see your own progress and appreciate how far you’ve come. May you know that you are doing better and that each day you live is a blessing and another opportunity to reach for better. May you see the things you wished for in your current experience. May you know that God loves and supports you in all that you do.