That’s my son demonstrating his ability to scale the hallway. I was only slightly mortified as a well informed mom of a 6 year old boy. I was kinda proud, my son was doing what my brother and I did as kids. The difference was there was never anyone willing to catch my fall, so I always stuck to what was mostly safe, that way if I fell I wouldn’t have far to go.
My son knows he has me to catch him, he knows I’m strong enough and that I am willing to do what it takes to keep him from harm, he knows I love him. Yet, I still step back and watch and take pictures. I give him the space to do things himself and make obvious that I am happy he can. I do love him.
Anyway, thinking about things from that perspective made me acknowledge that I still don’t have anyone to catch my fall, and I’m 30 years older than my son. Yet the game just keeps getting harder. I want the game to be easier. As neat as it is to say I won, there is a limit to what one person can withstand, and some days I feel like I’m reaching my limit. So, I’m doing everything I can to focus on things getting easier. It means I’m having to ignore a lot of people around me, and do all the things I know and trust to help my mood stay buoyant. I am trying to make mental note of every single moment that feels easier. I am focusing on every single feel good moment I have as intently as possible to try and drown out everything else. I feel like I’m treading water, but hours into it and questioning how much longer I’ll make it. Prayers were helping and now they feel empty and one sided.
So mostly I just try to zone out for a while or take enough herbs to compensate. Nothing lasts forever, and this too shall pass. Silence, or a wall of sound, is currently golden because one helps me focus and the others drowns everything out so I don’t have to.
There will be a light at the end of the tunnel, I just need a bit more patience.
I close my eyes and focus on happy thoughts. I let music become my dominant focus, even when I’m in session with a client. I’m talking less and hiding more. Most sessions the last couple of weeks have been only the sound of peaceful music playing. It helps me think about good things and things I like and love. It helps me feel relief. It helps me find some calm.
I finishedy tax prep finally and they’re off to the accountant for her half, so I’m finally able to fit more workouts in again. I’m catching up quickly only having missed a few workouts, but I know that my current state is not just because of a few missed exercise routines. Patience.
May you do your best. May you find relief. May you find a way to chill when everything seems to be going against you. May you feel better and have more than enough focus. May you have enough energy to accommodate everything and everyone. May you know there will be someone there to catch your fall. May you know God loves and supports you.