Trying to be okay.

I put this song on leaving work today. It is my favorite rendition of the song because it is so epic and has the full orchestral backup. I forgot that I had Spotify on repeat for the playlist I was using for client sessions. Somehow several repeats in, my brain finally acknowledged I had heard it many times, but I didn’t bother to change it. It repeated the entire drive home. It did help me to let go some, and many many tears were shed.

I’m not really okay, but I am doing my best to be okay.

Sunday, my only day off, we went to the Zoo to forget about things for a little while. Katherine pulled the wagon while Ian, Anya and Nathan all rode the ski-lift “Skyfari”. She also tried to kiss and pet the wild kitties through the glass. When the other 3 rejoined us, there was a tussle over who would pull the wagon. Later, I squawked at a penguin after it honked at me, and confused it horribly. It craned it’s head around to look at me as if to say “How do you speak penguin?!” My kids rode the carousel, and we all walked a ton, I had almost 12,000 steps by the time we left the zoo. It was a beautiful day, albeit fairly windy. It was much needed reprieve. There are more pictures to be had, but I can’t get Nathan’s to pull up as usual, so I’ll share a few of the ones I took.

Nathan has a brief extension on dialysis to see if he can reverse kidney function enough to stave off dialysis completely. We have been warned of symptoms necessitating an ER trip. For now he is okay, but I notice all the things that are not as we would prefer. It is frustrating us both.

Our cannabis cards have not been approved yet, and we were warned it could take up to 3 weeks, but I am sincerely hoping that it is sooner. I feel like I am dancing the edge of a mental breakdown, and doing my damndest to stay afloat.

However, thanks to a client and the chiropractors at the clinic, there is a service called “WELLTHY” attempting to help us with things.

They have figured out that we fell through the cracks. Disability took so long to get it to go through, that he will not get a penny of SSDI, he’s too far out from a job that had consistent wages. SSI is also out of the question. I worked my ass off keeping our family afloat and just barely above poverty, so my wages invalidate his ability to draw SSI, a family of 5 has to be under $3,000.00 a month to get anything. The medical bills will not be paid by the government, at least in any way to take them off our plate and get them to quit affecting credit tracking.

“WELLTHY” is helping to make sure that his Medicaid will go through, and is also attempting to find some sort of assistance or grant to eliminate the past medical bills. They are also helping with the paperwork for his student loan. They have also promised to attempt to find medical insurance for me at a rate I can afford (not holding my breath on that one). Finally, they suggested they might be able to make a connection for childcare via charitable organizations. I am hoping it all works out.

As for now, my IV treatment is still out of reach. So even if it would help us all heal, it is not in the cards for the moment. There’s not really enough for one person to get treated with it, let alone our whole family.

I have used our stimulus check to pay bills, and we’re working on getting the mostly dead tree removed from our backyard to help reduce the insects trying to invade our home. Then we will treat for insects to ensure our home stays safe. It is vital at this point that my home stay safe, it’s all I’ve got to show for 11 years of working myself constantly. It’s also a sad reminder that I am still drastically further from my dreams than I would have hoped all my efforts would have amounted to. If I had accomplished even half of what I wanted to by now, we would be in my wonderful concrete dome home that would be nearly impervious to termites and carpenter ants.

BUT, I’m still alive. I’m still breathing. I’m still meditating every night before bed, and frequently in the middle of the day. I’m still doing my best to stay focused on positive thoughts (it’s really really difficult right now). I’m still exercising as much as I am able to fit in. The mountains of paperwork just seem to get higher and higher, more and more, so some of my gaps I would normally use for exercise have disappeared. Yet I am still managing enough exercise to keep some shred of sanity maintained. At night Nathan and I have taken to playing solfeggio frequencies and binaural tones to help with healing goals. I have even resumed doing EFT tapping to try and release the emotional buildup.

I am giving it my level best efforts. Prayers are always welcomed.

May you have your sanity when you need it. May you know you are supported and cared for. May you know it is going to be all right. May you see everything work out for the best and be just fine.

Om Shanti

About Treasa Cailleach

I'm a massage therapist working with chiropractic and the elderly; musician, artist, pagan, mom, B of LGBTQ, & polyamorous professional.

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