Tap out

Truman med center 2am. Hospital selfies feel stupid, but Nathan started it with my first ER trip 15 years ago, this time it’s his turn.

I just let the office know that I won’t be able to make it in today and to please reschedule everyone.

I’m waiting for them to finish admitting him and I will return home to care for kids and wait.

So far they’re not really sure why he had such an intense experience last night. It could be the kidneys, but labwork doesn’t indicate any changes. They have also suggested heart attack or a small stroke, because there was some evidence to suggest that, but they need further testing. Hence being admitted.

For now they gave him a benzo for the anxiety that was triggered, a pill for the dizziness, and a pill for the nausea. The combination knocked him out, that is probably a good thing, because he hadn’t slept since the previous night and it was 4am when they gave him meds. At this point he’s had about 3 hours of very interrupted sleep. I’ve had 4.5 solid and a little upright napping in the ER.

This is going to be a hard day: husband in hospital, kids to take care of, and tree service due to be in. Just breathing right now, and trying to figure out tomorrow (whole weekend) without knowing how long he will be in for testing, or what will come of it.

I’m outta blessings at the moment, just be well.


Update:

Despite the anger that I have with my divine masculine, I can’t help but be perplexed that my father and my husband are in the hospital at the same time for the same medical conditions. CHF and kidney failure. And they are almost 30 years different in age.

They are not the same person and lived very different lives. I loved my father when I was a child, but his abuses over the years made me become indifferent and just wish for the Energetics to end. My husband I still do love deeply and this situation has caused me to experience the grief cycle several times in a short period of time.

My divine masculine is the one that should be ashamed of himself for this situation. I’ve noted before that my divine masculine meddles and manifests in multiple people’s lives and right now there is at least one that doesn’t deserve it, my husband.

I have spent every thought possible fighting the grief and attempting to separate myself from the divine masculine. I have put efforts into seeing my husband miraculously healed. I have done as much as I could, while still trying to manage children, home, hospital visits, and the tree and bees in our backyard.

Today I will be trying to do cleanup with tree limbs and bee hive. I’ll have Anya (teen) catch up laundry and watch littles. Later after my arms are exhausted I’ll visit Nathan and try to get an update. Tomorrow I work.

The weekend doctors said they are attempting to get the port for dialysis installed on Monday early. If that is accomplished then Nathan will be discharged Monday evening or Tuesday morning. I’m sincerely hoping for Monday evening because I have my own doctor appointment and work on Tuesday.

I may have to rely on another homeschool parent to get Nathan home from the hospital. I feel bad about that because they have done a food train, helped with kids, and tomorrow they’re taking the kids to the zoo while I work. I’m just leaving our zoo membership and car seats and they’re doing the rest. It’s amazingly helpful and I’m super appreciative, but it wasn’t supposed to be like this.

Bonus, I’m about to run out of Free and Easy Wanderer because, cannabis while using pruning shears or chainsaws either one, is no good. F.E.W. is easier on the system, but it takes a lot to keep my mood stable. My bottle has dwindled quickly of late, and even though it was the giant economy size I’m pretty sure I’ll polish it off today.

As for my health, I’m still trying to kick out my father and divine masculine, and using that same phrase “if it feels bad it’s not me”. I also had an inspired moment because of She-Ra (my kids are rewatching it).  “Destroy the chip to get the robots to stop” somehow resonated as significant for my health so I’ve been repeating that quite a bit as well. I think it resonated because of how viral infections work. Anyway I’m working with it, hopefully it will help.

It is what it is. Prayers welcomed. I’m doing my best to breathe and center and keep moving.

Be well and kill the toxic.


Someone tell my husband I love him when he gets out of the hospital. I can’t handle anymore, and there’s only one way I can guarantee to make it stop. I’m sorry. I am broken because of my father and I have spent 15 years trying to fix it and I’m no better off than before. I’m truly sorry, I really tried.


I’m still alive. I just wanted to go to sleep and not wake up. I was afraid of my kids finding me and then Nathan called. I didn’t go through with it, but I can’t handle this. I don’t know what to do. My body hurts so much and there are too many things. I’m sorry.


Doing all the things. Still just want to sleep and even with advil, seaweed+NDT, free and easy, and half a gummie, I’m still struggling. I’m doing my best. I’m sorry that I’m struggling, it’s just a lot and I’m only a human. Will keep restarting. I need normal.

About Treasa Cailleach

I'm a massage therapist working with chiropractic and the elderly; musician, artist, pagan, mom, B of LGBTQ, & polyamorous professional.

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