Hi, Nathan here.

I’m currently at hospital waiting for a surgery to put in a catheter for peritoneal dialysis as my kidneys are failing… I’m not in pain, I don’t have many of the usual symptoms that people with this condition, (CKD) Chronic Kidney Disease have… I’m still mostly physically functional.. I can walk without falling, use the bathroom on my own, I’m able to eat and keep it down, I haven’t had a heart attack or a stroke… I’m very fortunate in that regard…

However, the mental health aspect of this is brutal. I’m having panic attacks and paint blistering anxiety… I’m feeling lonely and depressed… none of these are usual emotional states for me. I feel a sense of both guilt and failure… how could I “let” this happen?! And look what this situation is putting your family through… how could I do this to people that I claim to love…?

Treasa is taking this really hard, and I feel like the worst husband ever… e v e r. because of me, right now, she’s alone and carrying our whole family while I’m here shivering in my hospital room. I’m sorry Treasa. I’m scared too. I’m angry too. In reality, I know that Treasa’s Love is the most powerful thing in my universe… I know that I am loved and will be cared for by her and our children upon my return home.

Dialysis will be a difficult adjustment for me . I’m not looking forward to it at all. This is still something I’m unpacking even with a scheduled procedure looming over me in just a few hours. It’s taking everything I have just to hold it together and get through this to back home to the people I Love most in the world.

Send prayers, send Love, send well wishing messages… all are welcome. Let Treasa know that you’re there… this is probably the most difficult challenge or family has faced. I’m not going to lie, I’m a little scared, I’m worried about us with this one. What faith we have between us all is being tried and tested. But at the end of the day what we have, is each other, (and whomever else wants to join us)… love will get us through, faith will get us through… our community will help out…

Parting thought. The food here sucks. I’m vegan. If you don’t eat the “usual” fare… meaning mostly meat, then the above happens…. Spanish rice and a side of seasoned potato wedges… Ok, time for sleep. No food or water until after the surgery… I’ll update when I’m able… my hope is to be home tomorrow night. Thanks for reading my ramble post and letting me vent. I Love You Treasa.