Shame

My body is struggling, my brain too. I have a certainty it’s stress induced, but here’s the funny thing. When stress begins to attack your body it just let’s disease take over. You are starving your insides of the vital energy and nutrition needed to fight off pathogens.

It is a part of the fight or flight mechanism. You need to fight or run, and either way your limbs need all the power, and now. So your stress hormones kick in to divert power. Just like Scotty in Star Trek: “Cap’n I need more power! Give us all you got!”

So your limbs can go hard, fast, and strong for hours, your brain can handle the “agility of it”, and your organs starve the whole damn time.

Most of America meets that paradigm form the arrangement of sitting at a desk staring at a computer screen for 8 hours a day. It means their limbs don’t use the enegy, and often it converts to fat or begins causing anxiety and other brain related issues. It can literally affect entire body chemistry, throwing the stress/relax chemistry off and causing a whole host of gender hormone issues. In turn it begins to cause chemical-trigger malfunctions throughout the entire body. It’s easy to find lots of data, just Google “stress + mood disorders” or “stress + health”. The top results after ads will give you gads of info, and often one or more of those results is from the national library of medicine.

I however, spend most of my days rubbing on people and running on an eliptical. When I’m not doing that, I have minimal computering, paperwork, and then family time in the evening. So I’m using the energy up adequately to keep my normal processes relatively on track and avoid any energy being re-converted to fat. But I’m not getting nearly enough rest.

My meditations have fallen short of the time needed to compensate for being in that fight state. My nightly rest hasn’t been so great. I feel like I’m dead to the world, but wake with the sense that I’m still tired. And my one day off has been consumed for all but one week of the last 2 months. I’m not giving myself enough time to heal in the at-rest calm-state.

Simply put, the number of hours my organs are starving is greater than the number of hours that my organs know the coast is clear and they can recuperate and consume nutirents. For healing my already-incurred-hurts and dis-ease damage, the opposite would need to be true. Yet I’m far from that, and while being a known carrier of at least one significant chronic virus (we still have no idea about covid). So, starving organs, with virus already in them, are doing their best to fight off the enemy. I’m literally causing my own body to struggle in bad ways.

I don’t want to, I’m not doing this by voluntary choice. It is a result of situations beyond my control. I’m experiencing the symptoms already, so it means I didn’t accomplish as much as I’d hoped when I was doing better and aiming for healing. I’m now faced with a moment that scares me, enough that I am doing my level best to navigate trying to ignore it and still reach for a solution. But I don’t know how.

I’m it. There is nothing else keeping us afloat. I don’t know how to work less and still make ends meet.

It causes me to feel great shame. I should have found a way around this. I should have tried harder or done more. I should have saved more money and invested more. I should have gotten the damned PhD. I should’ve gone into a field that payed more. Shame over should haves and could haves that seem like they would have solved the problem. Yet the shame is only contributing further.

The solutions would have only solved the dollars and hours/days of the week. They would not have solved the stress. All of those high dollar earners have very high stress careers. So even though they might be the cushy kind of salaried position, they are more significantly impacted by unmanaged stress itself.

So what is the solution? I don’t know. All I know is I have limited time to figure one out, and I’m not sure I am up to it. I already tried to fill Nathan in on my hurdles and it caused an argument. He doesn’t want me to die, and I don’t want to be in his shoes, so I must work quickly with time I already don’t have.

How does one work less, still make enough on one income, and convince their own body to spend much more time in healing mode? The latter I’m fairly confident I could solve, that is if the former was already solved.

I used to work less, but I had two less kids then. The kids caused the need for more. I never got a chance to save money.

And I know all the things that enable stress reduction. Most of them fall under the umbrella of things I need to know for my job. All of them I know how to accomplish. I am just running too short of time, and receiving massages has been costing me money for several months, so I’m already at my financial limit for that. I’m already doing everything I can.

So now what?

I’ll meditate as much as I can and hope an answer comes soon.

May you find ways to keep your relax time greater than your stress-fight time. May you have all the healing you seek. May you understand how you got where you are easily, so that you can aim for solutions more. May you manage all of it with time to spare.

Om Shanti

About Treasa Cailleach

I'm a massage therapist working with chiropractic and the elderly; musician, artist, pagan, mom, B of LGBTQ, & polyamorous professional.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s