I told Nathan that’s what I want to do. I wouldn’t really, it’s just words to express my frustrations.
I’m not some monk sitting in robes in some mountain monastery all day for the rest of my life. In fact that sounds like a really great permanent vacation at this point.
No phone, no internet, people all busy taking care of their inner world, being served minimal extra healthy meals, getting perfect amounts of sleep regulated for the group as a whole. There’s absolutely nothing wrong with that picture and the human experience.
In fact it’s the ideal.
And that’s why I want to punch them.
I’m supposed to try and fit monk ideals into:
Being the provider for a single income household, mom of 3 obstinate kids, wife to a kind but struggling husband, working 6 days a week, and trying to play catch-up for everything that failed when Nathan landed in the hospital again.
I pretty much told god, it may not actually be impossible, but it’s so damn close that the level of expectations is rediculous.
I want to punch Sadhguru, and every monk that ever made it sound easy. I want to punch them and scream at them to go and do it in my life. Go ahead, let’s switch roles for a couple of months, I’ll play monk in robes in quiet solitude and you can carry out all of my roles for a month. I dare you.
I’m supposed to be able to fix it all, manage it all. There’s supposed to be resources for all of it. But despite all of my well meaning efforts, all of my mantras and meditations, the resources simply aren’t there. Most of it is my direct responsibility, and my magic wand has run out of batteries long ago.
I had to stop the service that was taking some of the load off my shoulders. We’d hit a waiting for paperwork to process wall, and were told it could be 2 to 3 months before we got any answers. Bonus, everything else that they could have helped resolve would have taken dollars I didn’t have, at least right now. The chiropractors didn’t really have it in the budget to begin with, so I acknowledged the immense help it was, and willingly cut the cord.
I really need a real live personal assistant and about 20 grand in the bank to attempt to bring a monestary feel to my doorstep. Seeing as how that’s not happening today, or likely even this week, I keep reaching for the best I can in any given moment.
So, with all of that in mind, I am going to poke fun at Sadhguru’s quotes from this week. Who knows maybe he’ll read it and get a chuckle.
Seriously though, I have fit in some hammock time even with overcast weather. I have done meditations at night, and I’m savouring my beach time by looking at the pics and videos and letting my mind be back there. The To-Do-list is moving slowly to try and keep my shit together and keep myself from stressing so much. There is less stress, but it is not gone. I’m doing my level best with the situations and elements I have to work with and around. Perhaps one day I will find my path starting to get easier, but it’s been so long I’m really clinging hard to my hope of that.
May you find the humor when life fails. May you know that ideals are lofty goals and the rest of us are just responsible for reaching as high as we possibly can. May you see the good in your life and have enough time and resources to manage everything. May you know that you are supported and that the trickle can grow. May you know that the divine loves and supports you in all that you do, even when it is poking fun at monks and the negatives of your life.