Today.

Breakfast shake & pills
Meltdown
Sleep
Depression
Wanting everything to end, needing the torture in my body and brain to stop. I can’t handle anymore.

Walking
Out the door and headed North.
Thinking about running away.

Walked past the bus station.

Just kept walking and walking.

Eventually I ran out of steam at the pond in Swope Park. 5 miles from home. Nathan had already called and texted several times. I only managed to send him my location.

Back home. Body aches, chills, aversion to drinks or food. I ate a small dinner anyways, having cilantro chutney on casava chips hoping it would help detox me. That and my soup came straight back up, completely undigested. The chills intensified as I was vomiting and I sat shivering for a long while afterwards.

My body is on fire. Joints hurt, muscles throb. My mid to low back and right shoulder are the worst- it feels like a knife is stabbing through my levator and posterior scalene. My brain feels swollen, like my skull is too tight. My throat feels constricted. I’m not truly nauseous, but between my throat and having thrown up I’m unable to do anything except sip water.

I don’t know why. I’m not sure I care anymore either. If I can’t get better then I just want a speedy exit.

I’m not sure it’s even mine. I’ve been back from my trip 3 days, if it was food reactions it would be beginning to clear by now. Yet it’s worse.

I’m also blatantly aware how much overlaps with my father and husband. Kidney disease isn’t contagious, supposedly. It can be if a contagious disease did the damages. I can’t see how the 3 of us have that though because my father supposedly escaped Covid, and there have been no other overlapping infections for him. If I’m having sympathetic symptoms like when I pick up on clients’, then this is an extreme I want desperately to cease. I can’t handle anymore, and wanted it to stop weeks ago.

I feel like I’m being drug through a torturous slow death, and I’ve done everything humanly possible to reach for health. I don’t deserve this. I don’t believe it is mine, and I don’t understand why the Gods and Angels won’t make it cease. My prayers are futility.

I know I have at least a couple readers that care, so I’m only posting this to ask for help. I’ve been doing my best to avoid repetitive discussion of things I don’t want, because I understand the proclivity of it causing more to manifest. But I’ve hit a wall where my efforts seem to mean nothing to the universe and I simply need this to stop. My meditations are failing and getting harder and harder to accomplish. The cannabis isn’t even touching it, but I’m afraid to consume too much of it at once and possibly cause greater problems. Grounding and protective measures of the energetic/magical kind are helping, but are wearing off far too quickly. I feel like I’m being tortured by an invisible connection and I can’t sever the attachment.

I just don’t know what else to do.

Please keep me and my family in your prayers.

About Treasa Cailleach

I'm a massage therapist working with chiropractic and the elderly; musician, artist, pagan, mom, B of LGBTQ, & polyamorous professional.

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