After work I came home and crashed sleeping until dinner was ready. When Nathan woke me for dinner I was shivering so intently that we took my temperature: 98.4°. I took a lonely sad selfie before dragging myself to dinner. Dinner helped some, but did not solve my state of being.
I am worried and frustrated over my anamolous symptoms: fluctuating recurring severe fatigue, dizziness, pressure in my throat, sometimes pressure in my chest or other weird sensations, feeling like I’m running a fever without it registering on thermometers, and those damned negative thoughts I chase away like fighting off the Banshee.
Yet I am not alone.
One of my clients today shared almost the same exact list, and both of us had a significant upswing in them starting yesterday. Enough that we had both reached out to doctors seeing if we could get in, but not enough that either of us desired to do the urgent care or ER thing. We both had expensive ER fails in the past, costly visits that led to no actual help.
She reminded me that the full moon started yesterday. If that is the cause of the uptake in symptoms then I have another 24 hours to ride out until improvement. But the last 24 hours has only been worse than previous, they were present before that to a lesser degree and more infrequent.
My conversation with her covered all the possibilities and we talked about Divine Masculine/Feminine and things we had been aware of. I told her of some of my psychic pings during the bouts of exhaustion. We talked about things we shared in our own histories: of not being enough and carrying the load for many. We acknowledged that we are not alone, many women of our generation have faced huge obstacles, one after another in rapid repitition, and yet we’re all still standing, albeit fighting Dis-ease and doing our best to heal under less than ideal circumstances. Yet it’s not just women, much of America is in the same boat, but some get to ride it out easy and others of us trudge on working just as hard as ever, all because of a fucked up system. It’s all just too much and many of us deserve better and we especially deserve the elusive healing we seek.
Somehow it is all connected, and though the conversation was very revealing, I’m in such a state that I’m having difficulty recalling details enough to convey the overlieing message. There is a message and one that leaves me angry and feeling a sense of futility, but I know there must be a solution. We deserve better.
I have contemplated running away to a monestary to find my healing, but I had to acknowledge they are all run by the same types of individuals that caused all the damages. Every last religion has an old male as their leader, and none of them, to this day, fully understand women, the challenges we have faced and continue to face, and the resulting damages. The best of them come close, but none get it fully. It leaves me shaking my head in dismay, all these men think they have the answers for us when they don’t even fully understand us. They ALWAYS tell us were doing something wrong, or we need to do it more, better, longer, this way or that way, on this day or not on that day. They test us and see how strong or capable we are, but never acknowledge we’ve passed their tests, and never reward us for the many jobs well done.
Where is the acknowledgement of all we have accomplished, even and especially when all efforts were to keep us down in our place? Where was the divine in righting wrongs? Where was god when we began acknowledging that our efforts were falling short of the healing we desperately need? Where was anyone when we cried for help, to dust ourselves off and keep moving, still reaching for better?
Maybe just maybe we were never doing it wrong to begin with and that is the biggest problem and the root of dis-ease. Maybe we were doing what we needed to do from the start, and masculine was too afraid that they were wrong, to just let us BE. When will the scales balance again? When will masculine own their shit and feminine find the healing we have been seeking for decades?
As for myself, I simply hope that I don’t pass out at work tomorrow, knowing I came awfully close twice today. I will keep reaching and doing everything in my power to kick the negative out and allow the healing in. It’s all I’ve got to make it through each day right now, and I do want to see my children grow up and find their own healing.
May you know the message that is being conveyed. May you find your healing and be acknowledged for all that you have survived. May you find ways to see the things that are working and cling to them with every fibre of your being. May you know that you are loved and supported by the divine. May the divine cheer us all on to greater healing and understanding.