After finishing my drawing and posting it, I attempted to catch up on my reading of other blogs I follow. I had quit reading last fall for several reasons.
I have mixed emotions on other blogs.
Sometimes I get jealous thinking my own work, be it writing, art, or pictures, is sub-par. I have seen many beautiful photographs by many people ranging from a young teenager to old seasoned photographers. I have seen artwork that makes mine look like child’s play. I have read well crafted words of poetry and prose that make my simple dictations of life seem worthless. Sometimes their words tell tales of travel and love like I dream of (sorry Nathan I love you, but could never paint a beautiful picture of love like some bloggers do), it makes me jealous and sad at the same time.
Sometimes I feel down because the other writer is in a struggle or experiencing difficulties in their life where they are, I wish I could fix it for them. I wish I could wave a magic wand and fix the world, but I’m so busy just trying to fix my life it seems hopeless.
Sometimes I get straight up confused, the writing style or message being conveyed seems to bounce off of me. I isn’t that I don’t understand the individual words, it’s that their orientation befuddles me, or I simply can not stand in the writers’ shoes long enough to understand their perspective.
But then there are moments where I think I might have had an impact. The inspirational blogger that has begun adding blessings at the end of her articles like I do. The story tellers that aim their stories towards uplifting humanity and creating a better world. The bookworm that chose to join me in InkTober by drawing images for her book reviews. I have no proof that I impacted them, no one has ever said anything to me. But I see the changes and I am grateful anyway. They are all beautiful people, and they all have an impact on our world beyond what I can accomplish. If my choices and words guided them even a tiny bit, I am grateful. I hope those moments continue.
I would love to know my words matter to others, but I am content just being here, living my life, and attempting to be a better person. My blog has been my voice since day one. It is my moment to be myself and let my voice be heard so to speak. It is my attempt to right the wrongs of my own microcosm, and I am simply grateful that I can let myself voice what needs let out, even if it is just a written segment.
I know in my core that I am a beautiful goddess that has been hurt, overly burdened, and kept down. I’m doing my level best to heal for my own health and the health of my children. This path has made me blatantly aware of how far I’ve come, but also how far away my goals still seem.
Another blogger recently referenced the matrix having been changed, much like my premonition from a couple of months ago. I know it is contributing to my ill health of late. I feel a strong awareness of my inner health and beauty, and I know it will manifest in time (and even faster than before with the new spiritual shift), but at the same time the already manifested tangibles of my experience are super uncomfortable and it’s affecting my body.
Today I would have called in sick to both jobs, but the old already manifested ‘reality’ dictates that is still impossible. I don’t want to shut the door on changing that, but I’m still having to function when I’d rather be in bed recuperating. My body needs the healing time that other’s get, but I still feel unable. The dichotomy only seems to make my symptoms worse.
I am not alone. I relieved the front desk person an hour early because she too was feeling unwell and had worked all week in that state. We compared notes, similar enough to be creepy, different enough to be our own individual version. That makes the 6th person this week to acknowledge being in a similar state of being.
The shift is tearing us apart because we had to carry everything for everyone, and no one is helping us bridge the gap. I’m genuinely afraid I will loose this one, because my discomfort and necessary functioning is preventing me from living in my imagination more. I’m in so much pain and discomfort while having to be functional for others that it takes every ounce of my energy to get throug my days. I escape into my imagination as much as I can, but the burden is becoming harder to bear. I hope I can clear the chasm in time.
So for now I am going to take a moment to honor myself. I need it even if no one else will give it.
I am strong and intelligent. I am compassionate and caring.
I love deeply and truly, enough that I allow others to still attach to me energetically even though I know it drains vital life force from me. I already knew to give love away, but what do you do when the love given becomes a parasitic vampire ever craving more and more? I turn and love myself. Those vampires may never learn to let go of me, and so I must love myself for having loved.
I see the person I have aimed myself towards and I know she is beautiful, and I look forward to being that person and receiving everything I have earned.
I am more patient than ever and more understanding than ever, but I know I can do better, and there are many things that I am working on improving daily.
My self-improvement can be never ending if I let it, and it has no bearing on knowing that I am enough, I am worthy, and I am deserving. I have kicked ass for a decade and now I need to allow the good to come in.
I am healing and I am changing. Total improvement is headed my way. Yet, above all of that I am HERE. I am sitting in my bed in the most beautiful home I have ever had. I am sipping tea to soothe my sore throat and I have lozenges as a backup. The world is still spinning, the stars are still in the sky. The cycles of both life and death continue every day. I eat much less than I used to and my body is fine with that. My organs are still doing what they do, while the healing process continues. If my organs can do it then so can I. May family is fed and clothed, and I still donate my small but consistent contribution to CharityWater monthly. I have a good vehicle and a questionable backup vehicle, which is more than many can say. Some only have one and many have none. “I can count those I love on my hands, again some only have one and many have none.” (Borrowing the sentiment from PearlJam’s “Just Breathe”)
I am unique. I am me. I am here doing my best to leave this world a better place. If I am helping then God knows it, and I don’t need anyome to tell me. It’d just be a nice bonus to hear it.
Because of all of this, my priorities have shifted. More than anything I need to care for myself and I am working on figuring out what that means. Nathan has promised financial help is on its way, so it may soon include a reduced schedule and more time to show myself much needed care. I just know beyond anything that I have well more than proven myself, I have endured as much as any one human should ever expect to endure, and I am deserving of relief and healing and seeing the good manifest externally. I know my scales are due for balancing and I’m waiting on the divine’s solution to manifest. May it be for mine and my family’s highest good, but also in the easiest and gentlest manner. I feel better with ease and flow.
May you know your value and your worth. May you see good things manifest for you. May your path be easy. May you respect your own journey and love yourself fully. May you show yourself love with ample self-care, and may the vampires move on to more willing victims. May the divine manifest all those solutions and more for you because you are fully loved and supported and experiencing the flow. May you know it’s all okay, no matter what.