Huh.

I’m picking up on emotions again. I have a few guesses as to whom, but honestly the thread that has pulled could belong to several. Regardless, I feel like it is bringing up a lot for me that I thought I had dealt with. The poem from this morning (last post) was just the beginning.

Fears of failure (failing again), fears of letting others down. Fears that being myself isn’t okay. I’m tired of being the black sheep, the weirdo, the one with out there beliefs and able to feel people. Feeling like I can’t do anything right and that I have done things that aren’t fixable, even though I wish they were. I’m also petrified that the way I want or need a relationship to manifest is drastically different than their expectations. I’m afraid of letting them down because their expectations are more than I can handle right now.

I do feel like I have a wonderful family now, and like I’ve never had before. They have been so supportive through recent challenges that I get really emotional thinking about it,  and I’m petrified of screwing that up. It would be like getting the perfect gift to have someone tell you it wasn’t intended to be yours in the first place. It’s easier to live with not perfect if you never got teased with better to begin with.

Yet I know no one is ever perfect for me, and I’m never perfect for them. We are only ever perfect for ourselves. We are on our own perfectly imperfect journey and any person will never align exactly with you constantly. Those most important people are the ones that align most frequently in all the important ways, and the only way to discover that is to get to know them really well.

But that involves making the commitment to find out, and right now I’m not certain I can commit to anything.

I am literally living day by day, moment to moment, and most of the time it is exactly perfect that way. I feel better when I don’t think about past mistakes, regrets, or lost and left behind. I feel better when I don’t worry about future possibilities.

Focusing on this moment, each moment, is literally enabling me to keep functioning. Every time I loose that focus, I inevitably end up on one of these energetic threads that leads me further astray.

So I refocus and restate where I am and what I’m doing and remind myself that I am supporting myself. I am doing what I need as I go, and I’m doing my best in each moment to be there for myself and anyone I’m interacting with. I am here and now to be ME.

May you have full understanding of what you feel and sense. May you know how to manage the here and now. May you release fears and just be yourself. May you enjoy your days mostly and always enjoy the path of life. May you know that above all the divine loves and supports you in all that you do.

Om Shanti

I leave you with Sadhguru’s quotes from yesterday and today as they definitely apply here.

About Treasa Cailleach

I'm a massage therapist working with chiropractic and the elderly; musician, artist, pagan, mom, B of LGBTQ, & polyamorous professional.

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