My brother told me yesterday that he found one of my art pieces at a shop in Galena, IL. I have no idea how it got there unless my parents put in in the stuff they auctioned when they separated.
It was a white oil pastel drawing on a black canvas. The only artwork I’ve ever made money off of is my graphic design work. Yet my big drawing is for sale for $175, and it might be the second time it’s being sold. Irony.
Anyway, this news came after having had the most amazing massage in ages, and one I really, really needed. The therapist I chose was one that I had traded with years ago, before scheduling mishaps ended our trades. He has a very unique style, very different from mine and Becky’s (retired partner of 8 years). His style utilizes lots of energetics and similar tension-pattern tracing to my deep work. He doesn’t really truly go deep consistently, but his work always releases everything. When I left I felt like a new woman. I was more relaxed than I had been in probably 2 years.
Then between family normalities and the conversation over my big drawing, a few key spots crept back.
My pelvic floor is super cranky and my right arm is trying to reflare. I know it’s energetic.
I have a sense of being let down by the universe; I couldn’t make money off of my art, but others can. Life has been so imbalanced for me, and there’s no end in sight. Bullshit my parents trained me to believe, keeps me from everything I want. Being responsible has provided some things, but the burden is never ending. And I’m painfully aware that I have been giving as much love as I’m able, as frequently as I’m able, to as many people as I’m able, and I’m feeling like I’m starved of it.
What happened to”Give love away, it’ll come back one day”.?
Right now, in this moment, my pelvic floor is begging me to find a way to be held in safety and to have someone make love to me. Both seem improbable at best, and hazardous at worse.
My right arm is telling me “what’s the point, the never ending work never benefits me in significant lasting ways, so why keep doing it”.
I don’t have a solution for either yet, but I’m working on it. I’ve already revisited what Louise Hay says about them in “You Can Heal Your Life”. I’m repeating the things I know and already do believe, and doing my best to convince myself that I’m enough and I am loved.
Safety and balance are really the 2 major triggers, and in some ways I am able to reach for them, I’m just having difficulty maintaining. Right now in this moment, I know I’m safe, and I don’t have to do anything. It’s just I know if I don’t go to work tomorrow it jeapordizes our finances which would in turn impair a sense of safety. Everything is on me, has been for years.
It’s really hard to believe anything else is possible when it hasn’t been for so long. I would gladly let the universe shift the burden long-term. My genius is being able to see patterns, but I have yet to master being able to change them permanently to something better.
So far, I spend as much time as I can in my happy place with the good thoughts I do believe, and I simply do my best to not talk so much about the things I don’t want anymore of. Some days are easier than others.
May you easily release triggers of any kind. May you know that you are enough and you are respected and valued. May you get all the love you do your best to give. May your body have the rest it needs, and may your massages always last longer than hoped.
I just want to be my Self and no one else. … By saying that I must acknowledge I let someone in again. Time for the billionth reset.