First, the door to the bathroom was locked this morning. I’m sure my husband thinks I did it on purpose, but honestly I didn’t even touch the handle when I closed the door. Pookas at it again I’m sure, or small children.
Then there is my quandry. They have all motioned towards me and I have not answered them.
Only two used words along the lines of what we all want to hear. The rest used gestures.
I can not choose and so I have not answered any of them.
The one was a client; I told him that first I have no idea how his wife feels, second if I said yes he couldn’t be a client anymore, and if I say no he probably won’t want to be a client. And because I was evasive I suggested he not schedule for now. He was polite and appropriate in the appointment, but now it feels awkward.
The others don’t get along with each other. Some don’t get along with Nathan. One still carries the energy of needing marriage, that trophy wife mentality. Others have spouses and I don’t know how that fits because they’ve never spoken of poly except in reference to me.
Beyond all that I simply can’t handle any more. I’m too overwhelmed with life as it is.
It’s all really effed up. What I’ve wanted for so long finally comes in so many ways that I can’t choose based on what I already know about them. I don’t want to say no to anyone, but can’t bring myself to say yes to anyone either.
And then there is feeling small and weak and worthless and not enough. Maybe Covid is eating at my brain again. Maybe the matrix is crumbling and perhaps this is all an illusion precipitating my death. I don’t honestly know, and I’m not sure I care anymore. Nothing is as I wanted, and I’ve spent all of my internal resources attempting to make it so.
If I could willingly tap out I would, but I have failed every time I’ve ever tried.
Meditation promised to be the fix, but it’s only ever been temporary for me. Where’s the long term results that were promised? So I make no decisions for now (again?!) and wait. Maybe clarity will follow. Maybe I won’t need it. Maybe none of us live much longer.
How’s that line go? There’s a moment of truth in every lie? Maybe it’s all a lie, but maybe it’s all truth just effed up.
May you never have this moment. May you always see a way out and find your healing. May you never be dogged by the unseen and may you know you are supported. May you have balance and a clear path forward.
MY prayer for today: if miracles are not possible for me, then just let this end so I can stop suffering. Let my family be free of the suffering.