Please forgive me.
I love you.
I’m barely surviving right now. I’m clinging to shreds of post-covid “normal”. Dancing the thin line keeping me from suicide again, and not sure I even care to. I live in a pointless world full of empty promises and propaganda bent on swaying people to one extreme or another, and neither side really fixes anything ever. The rare occasion we fall for the one outsider beyond the split, it’s always the worst possible option, never the best. Medicine promises solutions, but try to actually find them and see how deep the muck and lies get. If you believe any of it I pitty you because you’ll eventually be horribly let down, just like me. Dog eat dog, fight for everything, lose it all, in the end our lives matter to no one truly. Not sure our lives even matter to god anymore. This planet would be better without humans, and I’m willing to forfeit my life, but for some reason I keep being subjected to cruel and inhumane torture that society tries to convince us is life and helpful. I’ve fought alone for far too long, and I’m ready to just not fight anymore, for anything or anyone.
I am doing my best not to write. Mainly because it hasn’t solved anything ever, and right now I’ve not really got the time to spare anyway. I can’t even fit in salt baths, foam rollering, exercise, or anything else that matters to me or my brain. I’m giving up trying. I may never write again. I simply don’t know.
If you have a good life and family to help and support you, please cherish it. My dreams are futile stupidity and I am giving up on all of it.
Resistance is futile, and I’m not resisting death, so why then is it so damn elusive. One person can only handle so much and this person is ready to be done. Life is not fun, this world is not fun, people are not kind, and when everyone only cares for themselves, then why are we here to begin with. Complain about loneliness and rampant depression, but other humans don’t matter even when your job is to help solve problems that the system promises there are solutions for. It’s all lies, every bit of it, and I’m ready to be done. No fanfare, just let me out. Take my whole family, we don’t deserve this. We didn’t do anything to deserve all this punishment.