I’m sorry.

I want to die right now because everything is failing.

Last night I took an Epsom salt bath, foam rolled my PECS and shoulders, and layed on my shiatsu roller mat to get the rest of my back.

Today I used the “Bemer” belts and ran 2 cycles to effectively treat 4 areas (Thank you B). I received a full acupuncture treatment (Thank you J). I vibrated muscles, and fasted, only eating 1 plum and 9 dark-chocolate-cashews and 2 Brazil nuts. I drank 3 litres of water during my work day, and had one low calorie homemade nutritional drink (thanks Nathan).

I took extra thyroid meds (a normal morning dose and slightly larger pm), a doubled dose of CBD’s, and a dose of Advil clear, but nothing else, no other supplements, attempting to let my system clear out.

Yet after all that I crashed. Hard. Bawling as quietly as possible in the back room, finding over into a seated fetal position because it felt safer. Nathan had to come in to the office to help me wrap up for the day, I can’t even get my voice to work, this is the best communication I’ve managed.

After all of that my body is on fire, trigger points are all inflamed, hell inflammation is rampant everywhere. Joints hurt, J noticed inflammation spots in my hairline, and my feet are swollen again. Despite space and assistance to clear out, which seemingly did happen, my digestive system still feels bloated and in trouble. My low back and hips are on fire. I have burning spots all over my hands, arms, shoulders, legs, and back, all symptoms of the inflamed trigger points. Is all because I wanted to be normal and eat a full range of food again. I’ve had 4 days of afternoon crashes.

I feel like I’m dieing, so I just want it to be over with.

I can’t handle Western medicine’s “solutions” for any of it, I’m already overwhelmed with Nathan’s bundle. If I can’t fix it another way, then I’d rather just die. Everyone wants me to keep fighting and teaching for better, and I just want to let go. Nothing I’m doing is working all the way, and things that used to help are barely touching it right now.

I suspect I know some of the source (nonphysical), and it was confirmed by a phrase that J told me to repeat, but even that phrase didn’t stop the crash.

I’m now to begging God to please let it end. If it doesn’t with divine intervention then I will likely end it myself. One way or another, I deserve better than spending another 20, 30, 40 years fighting things I’m already 25 years into fighting.

May you have better. May you feel healthy always. May you be free of nonphysical torment. May you be free of torment in general.

Om Shanti

About Treasa Cailleach

I'm a massage therapist working with chiropractic and the elderly; musician, artist, pagan, mom, B of LGBTQ, & polyamorous professional.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s