As always, doing my best.

I don’t have anyone else to do it for me, so I do it myself.

I’m still fighting nausea, fatigue, tremors, chest sensations, and the whole list previously discussed. Last night my brain was so swollen I thought my head and shoulders would explode, so I took more Advil and slept a long time. Today I am doing my best and listening for my inner voice to help with ignoring the disease effects.

See Sadhguru’s quote today was: “Essentially every experience- pain and pleasure, joy and misery, agony and ecstasy- happens within us.”

It’s true, the emotions are experienced within our own individual awareness, and ultimately it is your choice which ones you focus on.

What then do you do, when a disease creates a chemical storm in your brain and in your body that triggers negative effects on organs and tissues, which in turn causes horrible sensations leading to negative emotions?

I already had that experience and battle from Epstein-Barr before I even knew it’s name, before I even had finished middle school, before I had a choice. I was 12 an innocent child and no one could diagnose it properly, let alone fix it. As an adult I found the diagnosis, but still no reachable permanent solution.

COVID has caused it to reflare and become worse, when I had worked so hard to fix damages already done. It has literally set me back to my worst crashes of my past. Again, as an adult I understand the mechanics and the how and why of it, but there is no reachable solution and Western medicine doesn’t care, too busy looking for money makers and enjoying the results of delaying care to utilize improper treatments, then earning them bigger dollars than would have been claimed with proper early treatments using real solutions.

Again, it is my sheer willpower to keep getting up and adjusting my choices and behaviors to attempt to find an internal solution. My body hurts, my brain hurts, there is chemistry out of my control, it all stirs negative emotions I am fighting tooth-and-nail to stop. All because of a virus I did nothing to create and caught simply by living life as I was taught to do, before anyone even wanted to admit it was here.

Yet, Epstein-Barr for me, was also a direct result of another family member somehow sharing saliva with non-family. The result was 4 family members living a life of ill effects, and the resulting cancers and diseases and failing organs. I had no say in any of it, and much of what I live as life, was beaten and scolded into me. I would argue the repetitive negative conditioning caused me, just like a dog, to live patterns beyond my control. How is that any kind of fair? I had no say in any of it, and I have done my level best to fix it in every way I can control. Yet I still experience the ill effects daily and have to do my best to live patterns of a life I am unable to escape.

Despite Jesus’ supposed saving of all of humanity, the sins of the father are still being perpetrated on the sons. This current disease is a result of generations of bad karma, all disease is the result of prior negative actions, deeds and thoughts. All disease stems from what was before, and often impacts those that had no say in what was before. And this, is a special beast created by humans in a lab, our own kind has ruined us on purpose, choosing to play god with diseases and letting it escape, but without a cure. Or at least any cure that will see the light of day for anyone except the 1%-ers.

All of those pieces make it damn hard to function, let alone find happiness.

And medicine is doing nothing to fix any of them, they like making money off of our misery when we’re walking up to deaths door, hoping to be able to knock and run.

I have an idea, injection A1 failed, injection A2 failed, injection A3 failed. So for plan B let’s mix them. Yeah, that will totally work. That’ll fix it. That’s a good plan B.

NOT EVEN CLOSE.

Mother-effers. Use your effing brains and even attempt to find another solution.

Can you tell I’m angry? I sure hope so, because that is how I am aiming for better when I would rather crawl back into bed and die. This isn’t my fault, but it is my life, so I still have to do my best to fix it. God could help, but doesn’t seem to want to. Maybe he’s seen the mistakes made in humans and has decided we’re better off dead. Maybe god wants a clean slate too.

May you never have this fight. May you never have to fight for yourself so hard because 4 others completely rely on you for everything. May you never know the agony of diseased brain and organs. May you never have psychic influences compound matters even worse. May you always find a way to reach for better even when you are at the bottom of the ravine of life. May you know that the divine loves and supports you in all that you do, and that peace can and will be found one way or another.

Om Shanti

About Treasa Cailleach

I'm a massage therapist working with chiropractic and the elderly; musician, artist, pagan, mom, B of LGBTQ, & polyamorous professional.

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