I don’t have to stay.

This morning I woke remembering a premonition dream my son had had when we lived in our last rental. It was about a mommy having 2 babies, and the plastic broke on the cave and the mommy and one baby died and the other ended up with no arms or legs. At the time we thought it was about someone else we knew. Now I know for certain that it is me. I wrote about it at the time, but can’t seem to find it this morning. It would have been during the end of 2018 or sometime in 2019, I know because I remember dropping cards on a folding table in the rental house bedroom.

I realized I could apply that as a metaphor for several situations in my life right now, but it definitely applies for work.

My attempt to piece Atira together with pre-existing things has failed. The community side died when I couldn’t handle life when Nathan began dialysis. Now the business side of my dreams might as well be that handicap baby. It’s just me, doing everything for everyone to the best of my ability and failing. I’m doing art, massage, administrative, graphic design, and then going home to pretend to play mom like I have any effing clue anymore what that means, or the energy to actually accomplish anything. My body paid the price and there isn’t enough of anything to make up for it, especially money out time. There are no moving parts and pieces, just me, and there is no hope for more, my hopes were stupid naive notions and nothing more.

Then this morning I picked a Spotify playlist that was piano and guitar. There were several songs I recognized, but one struck a chord. It was a piano rendition of Chim Chimney from Mary Poppins, like from the sad scene of the movie.

Lyrics:


Chim chiminey
Chim chiminey
Chim chim cher-ee!
A sweep is as lucky
As lucky can be
Chim chiminey
Chim chiminey
Chim chim cher-oo!
Good luck will rub off when
I shakes 'ands with you
Or blow me a kiss
And that's lucky too
Now as the ladder of life
'As been strung
You may think a sweep's
On the bottommost rung
Though I spends me time
In the ashes and smoke
In this 'ole wide world
There's no 'appier bloke
Chim chiminey
Chim chiminey
Chim chim cher-ee!
A sweep is as lucky
As lucky can be
Chim chiminey
Chim chiminey
Chim chim cher-oo!
Good luck will rub off when
I shakes 'ands with you
Chim chiminey
Chim chiminey
Chim chim cher-ee!
A sweep is as lucky
As lucky can be
Chim chiminey
Chim chiminey
Chim chim cher-oo!
Good luck will rub off when
I shakes 'ands with you
I choose me bristles with pride
Yes, I do
A broom for the shaft
And a broom for the flume
Up where the smoke is
All billered and curled
'Tween pavement and stars
Is the chimney sweep world
When the's 'ardly no day
Nor 'ardly no night
There's things 'alf in shadow
And 'alf way in light
On the roof tops of London
Coo, what a sight!
Though I'm covered with soot
From me 'ead to me toes
A sweep knows 'e's welcome
Wherever 'e goes
Chim chiminey
Chim chiminey
Chim chim cher-ee!
When you're with a sweep
You're in glad company
No where is there
A more 'appier crew
Than them wot sings
"Chim chim cher-ee
Chim cher-oo!"
On the chim chiminey
Chim chim cher-ee
Chim cher-oo!
Source: LyricFind
Songwriters: Richard M. Sherman / Robert B. Sherman
Chim Chim Cher-ee lyrics © Walt Disney Music Company

Anyway, I have been fighting the desire to run away for a while now, and the desire is so strong this morning I'm having difficulty starting put or interacting with anyone. It doesn't help that these pieces reminded me that I've done everything for everyone and I'm holding a bag of nothing for me.

If I run I won't have to deal with dirty floors, gross bathrooms, whiney kids, laundry piled up. I won't have to deal with clients when my arm hurts, remembering everything- even things that don't have to do with me, picking up slack or helping out. I wouldn't have to answer any questions or answer any phones. I wouldn't have to be anywhere at a certain time or make sure others do the same. I wouldn't have to juggle transportation because I can't afford more. The credit cards would quit getting used so heavily because I'd take them with me. I wouldn't have to invent money or time, or pull anything else out of my ass again. I'd be off the hook.

For everything except child support. I'd have to disappear or die to be off the hook for that. So then running away would really just be running to more of the same. Couldn't just ride my bike into the sunset and camp somewhere warm. I mean I know I could survive on my own with nothing, I am very confident of that. But if child support follows me like it did Nathan then camping under the stars would eventually land me in jail, and possibly fairly quickly. Dammed if I do, dammed if I don't.

And then I remembered Ian's premonition again. The mommy died. Maybe I'm already dead and don't even know it, like Robin Williams in "What Dreams May Come". My life is just effed up enough that I'm not putting it out of the realm of possibility. Maybe I am already dead. Maybe dead is just a sneeze away.

It could be metaphor like the rest of the dream. I'm definitely not myself. I'm definitely not giving one shit about anyone anymore. It's obvious that I'm merely a placeholder for everyone else. I fill whatever role they needed, and I'm nothing more. I'm loved for my work ethic. I'm loved for my intelligence and capabilities. As long as I'm doing something for someone I am loved. Where's the love for me when I can't be that?

So yeah, I'm not sure that running away is worth fighting, but I'm not sure it's the answer either. I can't make bathrooms be clean, or make people care about home or work. I can't make anyone see how they affect others, or how our environment affects us all. I can't make people care about me and my needs, or see that I even have needs. I can't make anyone do anything, but I don't have to stay either.

I have no plan, but I'm not going to fight anything off anymore. I've done everything for everyone. I deserve to do what I want and need. Now that I'm certain I can't make Atira happen on my own, I'm left with two sentiments: "Shiva- you won again, now leave me alone, be gone for eternity." and "Now what, what do I want to do for me, and where do I fit?"

I have no answer yet. I don't want to hurt anyone, but in that sentiment is a knowing that having taken everything on is hurting me. I deserve better than that, and someone is likely going to get hurt by me saying no, it is almost inevitable.

May you never hurt. May you always see every ounce of your efforts returned. May you never desire to run. May you never welcome death. May you never seek escape in any form. May you be comforted and helped when you need it. May you have everything you need always. Above all may you know that the divine loves and supports you in all that you do, even running away.

Om Shanti

About Treasa Cailleach

I'm a massage therapist working with chiropractic and the elderly; musician, artist, pagan, mom, B of LGBTQ, & polyamorous professional.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s