Nathan’s doctor appointment today, the doctor noticed I was depressed. Maybe it was the swearing, the outburst about how ineffective and non-communicative the system is, maybe it was crying over how their description of dialysis fixing things was night and day from reality. Who knows. Then he told me I should find people to help. I can’t do it alone, he says. Where’s my people?
I don’t have people, I have coworkers. Very kind coworkers.
I don’t even have people that ask me to go shopping or have a cup of tea or go to a movie or concert. This is a shitty steaming pile of crap that wasn’t supposed to be my experience in the first place. If it’s too much to ask me to come over for tea then how the hell do I even hope to ask for help? No one wants this, I know because I’ve been reaching for better, for nearly 8 years, to get this. I don’t want this.
I haven’t been anywhere with anyone, where at least one other family member of mine was present. Always together. I don’t know if the default setting ran people off, or I’m just too much to be around. Maybe it’s both. Maybe they don’t think I will say yes because I am so strapped for everything and stressed because of it. The few times I got to stop at my coworkers home for a little pool before heading home; family was my heavy cloak that no one took off me and there wasn’t enough time and space for me to let it slip off. I’m like pig-pen, except instead of a cloud of dust, I’m kicking up mess and mayhem that seems to send everyone screaming for the hills. Yet I didn’t ask for it, I didn’t cause it, and I’ve done everything in my power to fix it.
The god of gods, the most holy, is supposed to fix it when all human measures fail. I did everything I was supposed to. I more than made the grade. For a long time. It was lots of things, every day, for years.
Even in the darkest sea, the light of God is still supposed to shine. Everyone says it, like they believe that. I did believe them because they were so convincing.
False fairy tales I fell for.
I have no people. I have no family. I have no friends. I have no one other than the 5 of us stuck with each other, and 3 of those are children. So yes doc, where’s my people? I don’t even have readers anymore. I literally could say or do anything and no one would even notice.
So why am I still here? Why am I still playing a game that lost it’s shred of fun ages ago? If this were a game on a Xbox I’d have shut it off and done something else ages ago. There’s no off switch for me in this mess, and no one to help either. It’s wrong. Where’s God’s light in that moment? Where’s God’s ability to make right of wrongs? Where’s God’s ability to end suffering when humanity is lost?
And in case you’re wondering, though I doubt it…. I have taken my meds. Full thyroid dose. All of my multiple vitamins and minerals. Skipped some of the herbs. And I’ve had at least 5 times as much cannabis derived product as a work day, if not more. I’m medicated, exercised, and eating damn clean compared to most Americans, and still fighting this off. I’m loosing the battle and just want it to end. I’m sorry.