Choice

No one ever has to do anything. There is always a choice.

Last night I had gluten and dairy. It was partly to be polite, and partly because it looks so damn good after having had a week of fruit, salads, and chocolate. It was my choice. I could have walked over to my cooler and pulled out a perfectly bland but absolutely clean salad.

I also drank alcohol last night for the first time in months. My last drink being a seltzer by the pool.

Both put together caused me to need my inhaler in the night, and this morning I’m fairly aware of the inflammation in my body.

It’s enough I would not make that a regular choice, but in the circumstances- where I was, and who I was with, I accept my consequences for the choice. I can use OTC medicines to fix the symptoms for now, but I’d rather be mostly clean, most of the time, and not need the extra meds.

It’s my choice. It’s my “I’d rather”.

Between that and dinner conversation about parents, I began to think about other things going on. Everyone always has a choice, anytime. No matter how far they walk towards a particular goal, they can stop and turn around or take a detour.

For me that translates into freedom of choice in a lot of ways. My “I’d rather ” lists were a good start.

Then there’s dreams I once had and things that I had premonitions on. Maybe, just maybe those premonitions were one choice of many. That maybe, I was seeing details of how one option might play out.

Maybe they were not mine to begin with. I do have a habit of picking up on others’ thoughts, and hearing their inner dialogue, and post COVID it got worse instead of better (or just different). I never knew fully how to control that, and just did my best to clear things once I realised I’d let too much in. But in years past I thought it was sporadic. At least it seemed so. After the last few months and having had COVID at least a couple times, I’m not so sure.

Is it more frequent and more intense… Or am I just able to tell easier now that something isn’t mine?

I’m not sure I have the full answer, but what I do know is I am now noticing that thoughts I’m having are intrusive in nature, and from external sources. I have trouble telling who, or why, and I still have a very difficult time clearing everything out. But at least I can tell they aren’t mine.

All this has given me an awareness that maybe a larger portion of those old thoughts weren’t mine either.

Atira was intended to be a community based on some of those. Now I am not certain some of those elements even matter. I’m also in a feeling place of needing to support myself more than anything else.

I did what I was supposed to. I did what parents and society encouraged. I kept up with my older siblings. I fulfilled every role expected of me.

At the end of that road I’m exhausted and feeling a desire to throw in the towel. My well is dry.

That is a far larger problem than any dream I ever had that might have included others’desires.

So now, I am evaluating. I’ve stopped, but haven’t decided which way to turn. When I look at my dreams, now knowing certain elements were not mine, knowing I can’t do it alone, and I’m already exhausted; I’m not sure I even want to.

At this moment, more than anything in the world, I desire the resources needed to fall from the sky. Enough to pay off all of my current responsibilities, to travel the USA by car for a good long time, and to build two domes. My estimate, a million or just slightly more. I do feel I deserve that after all I’ve been through in my life.

I know I was a good girl and did everything I could, and everything that was expected of me. Now I deserve to be free and enjoy my life for me.

I deserve to be able to kick all those stray thoughts out of my head. I deserve to have control on what I pickup on, and what I do with it.

But I also deserve to replenish my well. I deserve to just be me. Like a little girl playing in a sandbox, or laying in a sunbeam listening to my cat purr. I deserve to be able to have fun and explore, especially now that I did accomplish all the “supposed to’s”.

And I don’t need anyone additional in my life to do that. I don’t need any more work to do that. I don’t need any more any thing to do that.

All I need are the financial resources that I should have had all along when I was begging, and borrowing, and working really really hard. All the stuff that fairy tales promised came with the princes. I’ve had my prince all along, but we were kicked out of the castle for no real reason. I deserve to have my castle and all the things that go with it.

I’ve told God several times the last couple of days: I fell in love hard when I met Nathan. Like those fairy tale first kisses. It was intense and I just knew he was the one to be with. So either God lied to me, or is time to pony up. My fairy tale prince deserves to have his resources and his castle too. Neither of us did anything wrong, and we did everything. We were able to fulfill everyone’s rules, roles, and expectations. So it’s time to be in OUR castle and traveling the world enjoying life. I deserve that. I’ve more than earned it.

If my castle is just 2 domes and not all of the idea of Atira, then I’m totally fine with that. I know I deserve the money to do that at least. I know I deserve to just be me and enjoy for a good long while. I deserve my happily ever after to begin and it needs to be way more than the last 30 seconds of the story. I’m almost 40, I deserve to have at least a couple good decades of fun and enjoyment, 3 or 4 would be even better.

It’s time for the shitty story of my family habits and constructs to end. It’s time for my vortex to be evident right in front of me. It time for the money to just be there, and the hard work to end. I way more than deserve that, I am a goddess incarnate.

May you have your resources. May your prince have come with all of his resources, and the fun tale started at the beginning without any heartache or woes. May you see you are more than deserving to actively live a fun life and all that means to you. May you know that your well can be replenished and your life healed. May you have everything you desire always, even if you change your mind on what that means. Above all may you know that the divine loves and supports you in all that you do.

Om Shanti

About Treasa Cailleach

I'm a massage therapist working with chiropractic and the elderly; musician, artist, pagan, mom, B of LGBTQ, & polyamorous professional.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s