My Rampage failed.

The following is a rampage I started today. It didn’t work.

I think I need help and I don’t even know what that means.

This isn’t purely psychological is affecting my body. All over. I’m so tired and in so much pain. I’m having trouble stopping or slowing down because I completely crash when I do. I’m bawling as I write this, but it feels uncontrollable and because of low energy. My chest feels funny, like tingly but thick. I’m perfectly cognitively functional, but have thoughts I am certain aren’t mine or at best influenced by my surrounding environment, they are really negative always. I’m having trouble with digestion: constipation intermittently, with the opposite otherwise, and gassiness like I’ve not seen in years (since childhood bad diet). Yet I eat mostly veggies with some fruits, and my only offense in a month was a singular pastry and chocolate in moderation. Grains are minimal- ie: rice for our entire family is 2 package servings for a meal. I eat a fraction of that. I’m doing exactly everything right. Nathan got a diagnosis of SiBo after nearly three months of testing, and their treatment hasn’t solved it yet-going on 4 months of antibiotics I think. Yet our symptoms overlap and I’m doing no better than him with stricter diet controls. I also have intermittent swelling in my feet, mild, worse in the evenings, like low blood pressure, but I drink nearly a gallon a day and none of it is caffeinated, and does include basic electrolytes. I am still unirating as normal, but seem to get UTIs at the drop of a hat and that has NEVER even been a thing for me. I’ve also had more yeast infections in the last year than my entire adult life, and there has been no intercourse, and my sugar intake is low to moderate at worst. I have been afraid to take vitals because I can’t handle me being sick, like life alteringly. It’s simply not within my ability to function or keep my family functional, and because I know I’m doing everything I possibly can to take care of myself it is both extra infuriating and extra scary.

Then there’s the mental on top. I feel like my brain and body are being lied to somehow, like a virus taking control. I feel like all the negatives I’ve ever thought or experienced are being triggered constantly, is overwhelming. I just want to let it all go or be gone. Yet I’m still having to function, work, keep track of a teens work schedule, pick her up, help Nathan remember things, do chores on occasion, take care of and/or entertain kids, try to fit in any me time at all, and if I want anything I have to do it myself, because by the time I break down he’s tethered.

I soaked in an Epsom salt bath for nearly 2 hours and it helped but did not eliminate. I ended up with two small blisters on the back of my left leg that I accidentally poped not knowing they were there. But the swelling was reduced and I generally felt better after the bath.

I don’t know what to ask for. I don’t know how to fix this, fix me. Please help if you know.

I've learned
No one can understand me
No one can truly love me fully unconditionally
It's just impossible
I've been mixed up
I've been confused
I've been reaching for several somethings impossible
Only I can love me unconditionally
Only I can understand me fully

I've done so much for others
I've supported so many
I've worked hard to take care of everything and everyone
When all along I should have just done it all for myself
I should have only ever done what I wanted or needed and I should have taken care of myself completely

Can my inner being tell me
Heal me, love me
Can I find myself and ignore everything else completely
I want to
I do love me and thought I was doing it right
Immediate permanent relief
Myself taken care of always with ease
Having beautiful life and environment and being able to rest my hands and body as much as needed
Being able to enjoy, travel, explore

I am a good girl who has let toxic masculine in for far too long.
I didn't know any better because it was all around me.
I learned to just deal with it and keep moving but never truly broke free.
Can I be free of toxic.
Can I just be me.
Always.

I'm very strong and should never have needed to be.
I'm very intelligent.
I'm kind considering all that I attracted into my life.
I'm forgiving considering all I experienced.
Now my best qualities deserve to be for only me.
I was a beautiful girl. I am a beautiful woman. Does it show in pictures of me? I have trouble seeing it. Can I see it please?

We are all
Daamaged goods
We are all
The result of
Traumas
Before
Being passed
Down
One by
One
Sometimes
Two by two
The worse
The trauma
The worse
The result
I know
Because
I learned
First hand
I deserve
Healing
And God
Knows how to
Provide it
And I've
More than
Earned it
I'm overcoming it

~Treasa Cailleach

About Treasa Cailleach

I'm a massage therapist working with chiropractic and the elderly; musician, artist, pagan, mom, B of LGBTQ, & polyamorous professional.

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