All posts by tcailleach

About tcailleach

I'm a massage therapist working with the elderly; musician, artist, mom, LGBTQ, & polyamorous professional.


I feel the song, and I’m not struggling as badly as I was, but TG day was a valiant effort to stay afloat, but which ultimately didn’t quite make it. I am now certain something or someone is energetically trying to kill me. I did all my things, in triplicate or more, and it got me through until about 7pm and I finally lost the battle with the negativity and had a meltdown leading to early bedtime. Despite having behaved stellarly compared to my youth, I am still riding out what I can only compare to as being a hangover. My liver and pancreas are both pissed, so I’m on 19 hours of true fasting (simple liquids only), and don’t plan to resume my normal routine until my abdomen stops hurting.

Also, I may quit writing, or at least quit writing on here. Nathan has asked me to not shut it off so he can post. So I will leave you with an Irish Thumper moment (if you can’t say nuttin’ nice don’t say nuttin’at all). I’ll start with the Irish blessing of my childhood, maybe add a few lines of my own.

May the road rise up to meet you.

May the wind always be at your back.

May the sun shine warm upon your face.

May the rain fall softly on the fields.

May your troubles be less and your blessings be more.

May nothing but happiness come through your door.

May love and laughter light your days and warm your heart and home.

May good and faithful friends be yours wherever you roam.

May peace and plenty bless your world.

May you have joy that long endures.

May you have all the love you desire.

May you feel a strongly peaceful connection to the divine.

May you have an abundance of all you desire, especially time, money, and loved ones.

May you keep your light shining bright and banish the darkness.

May you know “tis better to have loved and lost than never loved at all”.

May you never feel the need to duck and run.

May you know things work out for you eventually.

May your memories keep you warm and never collect dust on the shelf in your heart.

May you always find the silver lining of all your life experiences.

And until we meet again may the divine hold you in the palm of it’s hands.

Thanksgiving day pull-up

I’m not my father, so I’m determined to not let my disposition ruin the holiday for my children.

I can’t fix the things I’m dealing with because of others, as right now the collective is very heavy. I can’t fix the impending bills and related concerns, because I’ve been trying to solve that preemptively for a long while now. I can’t solve my brain problems and body aches for good, I’m still waiting on God to help with that, but I can do something temporarily.

I’ve taken my herbal medicines for a temporary mood boost. I’m taking extra allergy medicines for food, so I can enjoy eating on this day, and not worry. I’m even taking a gummie to help ensure my mood stays up for my kids.

Beyond that I intend today be full of rest and lots of refocusing on the things I do have to be grateful for (even if they are the results of working longer and harder for years).

My arm is numb again, and my right hip & leg has shooting pain, so there will have to be a fair amount of self care muscle manipulation too.

May your Thanksgiving be pain free and happy without anything extra. If you’re like me, may you have access to the tools to fix it so you can enjoy the holiday anyway. May you have good days more than not. May the things you can’t control work out well and feel better for you. May you know God supports you and feel the divine love on this day.

Om Shanti

Pick your poison

Eat shitty food, drink as much as you’d like, try drugs. Hell just go with any addiction, follow the rabbit hole as much as you’d like. Between that or Covid or any one of many other diseases you’ll likely die younger.

Or eat clean, get exercise, take meticulous care of yourself. You’ll be a little sore from exercise, but generally feel better and get sick less. But you’ll live till you’re 90 or more and have to put up with the myriad of people wanting to play negative-ninny and chicken-little sky-is-falling for the entirety of your life, and if you’re like me that means you’ll feel an aweful lot of it emotionally or in your body. It also means that by the time you’re 40 you’ll be jaded and cynical too.

But there’s always the contingent that Billy Joel sung of: only the good die young. We still have innocent toddlers keeling over from cancers and lukemias, food poisoning, environmental toxin exposure, and we still have people of every age that die in accidents sometimes caused purely by mechanical failure.

But hey if we scare each other to death over Covid then we can look back and say, it worked it wasn’t as bad as it could have been. You’re right, it wasn’t from the start. It still isn’t.

If we argue over everything and take “responsibility” where it was never intended then we can convince ourselves we did the right thing, even though shit still sucks in other ways even worse than before.

But hey, I’m just one drowning woman who woke up with a numb arm, and when I got to work discovered it wasn’t really even my ailment.

I do everything for everyone, want to fix things so much that I feel everyone’s problems. I thought God was supporting me, but really I have just been getting enough support to keep working hard, keep trudging, keep trying. Waiting for Godot. My problems always take the back seat and never truly resolve, none of them, and no one else gives a damn about that. But I’m still there for everyone that pretends to care. I’m still there for my chosen family and kids that really do care. I manage to tread enough water that I’m no longer threatening to crash my car into a pylon at 100mph. No, now I stay afloat enough that I know for certain I am maintaining things as best as I humanly can, and most days it’s far better than most other people, but not enough to solve my problems completely.

So I’m left with, why keep trying? Why not go with plan A? It’ll guarantee a shorter life. Or why not Plan D: calculatedly take myself out with a minimum of mess and impact to others? If nothing in my universe can completely resolve while I’m alive, and I am bound to tread water for as many years as I live, then I could make that short and sweet. I can make that choice.

And there’s very little stopping me.

I find it funny how suicide is ALWAYS dissuaded by “think of your family” “think of others”. Why is it never about: “how can we help you solve this situation in another way?” And depression medication never solves the life-long components outside of your brain or body. Never. That’s why my puzzle is failing me now when it has worked for so long, it still just deals with body chemistry and does nothing for external factors.

I also love how gun owners think they are the schnizz, right up until a mass shooting or someone using them to take their own life. That’s what guns are for, killing, why does it suddenly become not okay because one used it on a crowd or another used it on themselves. For me it’s a tool to reach an end. I’m not God, so I’d never use it on any other human being, and thus don’t own one. But being that this situation is between me and God, I’m okay with the last word being my life ending. It’s not like I have anything to believe otherwise. I have waited for Godot for 35 years. I have no evidence, none, to support anything actually changing for me solidly, for good, for permanent. God has known for a while now that I’m over the cat-and-mouse game, I’m over being used for others gain and never seeing my rewards. I have run out of fucks to give, and now have an awareness of a shotgun that is easily accessible. It’s very tempting.

Nathan says I have muscle memory from this time previous years. It’s because every fall/winter since early childhood has felt this way. When I was small it was my parents battling poverty when everything was due and presents were expected. Now it’s so ingrained in me, it just repeats all on it’s own, despite my best efforts otherwise. The broken record of my brain involuntary recreating things that I’ve been trying like mad to escape via meditation and my puzzle.

Where’s the answer to my prayers now? I’ve been the answer for other people’s prayers, but mine is sorely missing. Where’s my brain and body healing that I’ve been striving for these last 7 years.

I’m over it.

Not even writing a blessing this time, doesn’t seem to matter anyway.