All posts by tcailleach

About tcailleach

I'm a massage therapist working with the elderly; musician, artist, mom, LGBTQ, & polyamorous professional.

Challenges of Finding Balance

Mere Observations from different settings and perspectives:

Where this blog began in my thought processes was based on two people and their interactions. I could see both sides of the situation, the logic that was being employed by both, but where their dissonance was causing a “butting of heads” so to speak. They were failing to see each other’s perspective to find common ground and work together to a common goal. So I decided to write it out from multiple standpoints which I have seen the same moment play out repeatedly over the years.

Case Study 1: Corporate Structure

Corporations are merely businesses of a particular structure, usually we think of corporations as being larger businesses. This is not always true, but for this case study I am referencing larger businesses.

Each large business entity is still a business with an original intent. Businesses have goals to meet specific needs of their target consumers. They want to solve Problem X for Population A and in turn do so in a way to, sooner than later, make a profit. Their goal is to do a good job solving Problem X, for the lowest cost, to make both the consumer and their board and stock holders happy. Every business, large or small, functions on this very basic oversimplified concept.

With that in mind, businesses usually then want very skilled employees that are very dependable and efficient at fulfilling each particular role in the company. The more efficient and skilled the employees are, the better able they are to complete tasks properly and in a timely manner, saving money on both production labor and customer satisfaction. The more skilled and efficient, the more can be completed, so then companies often either seek better and better employees, or push their employees to continually reach for improving themselves.

Yet, at the same time, nearly all employees have similar goals. Their goals being self-improvement, higher efficiency, better skills sets. This is not only for a current position, but in case they need to seek a new position for any reason. They often are continually thinking about their lives, where they are headed, what they need or want to accomplish. Often family is a factor and a knowing that bigger family requires more resources and thus a step up in income. Always looking up to the next best thing. It is human nature to want improvement and most seek that improvement through incremental action steps.

Does the corporation ever notice when the employees accomplish a step of self-improvement on their own? Does the company ever reward the employees that do continually strive to better themselves? Does the company back off on the pushing of that goal when all of the employees are working together as best as could be expected? Is there ever acknowledgement of stasis- for the technology that currently exists and the employees available to the company, the company has reached the most optimum efficiency possible? Does the company ever step back and examine their fees structure and wage structure to examine if they are paying a living wage? For example, if one company hired a married couple with 2 children, would that family be able to survive on the wages that the company was paying those 2 individuals, or would the family have to create additional income? The same could apply to a singular individual. Does the company ever evaluate their choices in benefits to see if their choice is actually helpful to their employees, wages are even more vital if benefits do not cover what they are supposed to cover? For example, my worthless insurance through the activities position that paid for 2 labs, 1 chiropractic visit, and $4 of my pregnancy/birth; the policy cost me $700, my employer $3,000 and still left me with another $3,500 out of pocket. Big dollars for negligible worth.

At the same time, there is responsibility for the employee as well. Two sides must work together to accomplish a unified goal. Do employees ever contemplate the cost of their accidental lapses in the grander scheme? For instance, I missed the trash can and didn’t pick it up, if every employee did that once a day, how much extra housekeeping costs does that incur? Do employees ever contemplate the amount of overhead that companies incur, insurance and utilities, and do employees ever make strides to help reduce those costs? Accident free workplaces have lower company insurance costs. Turning off back-room and store-closet lights,etc. save on utility overhead. Using washable towels or hand-dryers help reduce waste and overhead. Working together with co-workers instead of arguing can not only solve problems more quickly, but lead to greater efficiency in general.

Every action of every work day has the potential to cost both the employee and the company in different ways, and both sides are equally responsible for coming together and thinking of the other to help improve the greater outcome for both sides. We’re all in this boat together, its up to us all whether we sink and swim, or row to shore.

Case Study 2: Small Business and their Dealings

Small business go through the same problems as large businesses, but the effects are often seen much faster. Where I currently work it can be seen in as simple as paper-towel usage when employees forget to utilize washable towels, costing the company extra cases of paper-towels. Even moments like efficiency being affected by laundry screeching to a halt when one practitioner gets behind or forgets their load has even been run (I’m most guilty of that one). However, there can often be other behind the scenes moments that take their toll.

One such moment I witnessed in another company was about a business deal going sideways. One person was the buyer, and as buyer they wanted to save as much as possible knowing that there would be long-term costs to look forward to. They wanted to make very certain they could handle the end result. Additionally, as any buyer would, they wanted to save money if possible. So they were looking for every possible option to require the seller to cover costs, and thus reduce potential long term concerns. (I might have benefited from a little of this perspective on my home purchase, but still consider myself very fortunate to have found a home in such good shape, so I’ll cross fingers that it pans out to my benefit long-term anyway.)

The seller however, was looking for someone that they trusted and felt was committed to the deal. Someone that would be able to follow through and assume the full responsibility of what the deal would entail long term. They were searching for a capable buyer that could handle all of the aspects of the result of the deal. The repeat requests for seller to pay began to come off as the appearance that the buyer might not be able to handle the results of the sale and everything might collapse anyway- that the buyer might not be responsible enough or financially stable enough (the same concern most mortgage companies deal with and thus require so much in financial documentation). Being that customers would be affected regardless of the longer term results, the seller might have been questioning if the decision to sell was a good idea, as perhaps another buyer might be a better fit.

As conflict ensued it was clear that neither was contemplating the other side’s view and neither was reaching for the common middle ground. The buyer could call it good with what was already requested, and the seller could state that certain things be a good faith equivalent to ernest money in a home buying situation. Some form of common ground like that could set the deal back on it’s original trajectory. (Of course that is where I lost track of things having moved on with my own journey, so I’m not sure if they were actually able to find that common ground or not. I sincerely hope they did, and that everything ultimately went smoothly.)

So even in small bushiness and small business deals, there is still a responsibility for both sides to find common ground and work toward common goals. There is still a responsibility for everyone to contemplate their actions and how they affect others involved. There is still a responsibility for us to attempt to reach for our better functioning, more efficient, more skilled selves as often as possible. Yet, is it just in our working lives?

Case Study 3: Relationships

Relationships also require the same thought processes and reaching for common ground.

Even if a relationship has a strong connection, that bond of love that is felt not seen, it can fall prey to many of the same challenges that businesses and employees see. That is when you start finding yourself in moments where someone feels hurt or disrespected. That is when you find moments of arguments and bickering. We are all human and do have lapses, and it is very important to find forgiveness for lapses, especially when they are unintended. However, if one partner in a close relationship has begun to disregard the importance of self-improvement and consideration of others, and how their daily actions affect the whole, that is then where relationships tend to fall apart. It is one thing to have a lapse and another to completely turn away from all of those considerations.

So I leave you with a final set of considerations that can apply to any relationship.

  • How are my actions affecting those I care about?
  • Am I improperly prioritizing things in my life: am I putting things before people, or am I putting recreation before necessary functions?
  • Am I creating extra work by being careless, forgetful, or disorganized?
  • Am I relying on others to catch my back too often?
  • Can I be more proactive, or another way to put that is am I being too lazy or blase?
  • Do I consider other’s feelings or their needs when I choose to do things, or choose to do them in a certain way or at a certain time?
  • Am I considerate of how my actions might affect overhead (bills, utilities, fuel, etc.) or scheduling concerns?
  • Am I supportive of others in a similar manner, kindly reminding them of things that are affecting my needs and asking politely for adjustments when needed?
  • Can I be doing more, or can I be more helpful?
  • Am I being a good listener and conveying that I do feel concern for their state of being and their needs?
  • Am I offering help with proper timing and with their needs considered?

If you find yourself reading these considerations, and gagging at the thought of putting them into action in a particular relationship, you might not be in a good relationship already. It might be time to move on from that relationship, but only you can answer that. If they seem challenging, but worth it, then you are on track for improving your stance in a solid relationship. Again, this can be any relationship, family, friend, or co-worker.

Again, this post was written merely because I noticed an overlapping trend, triggered by one particular pair of people in my life experience. I only hope for our society, our country, our world to reach more often for common ground and work toward common goals. Politics has definitely triggered that desire in me strongly, but my daily life reinforced it.

May we all find common ground and reach for common goals. May we all work together to solve problems and meet needs. May we find ways to better ourselves, and in that better our lives and the whole world. May we all have successful ventures and find a way to make ‘both’ happy. May we easily consider our actions on others and reach for ways to do better. May we all think of how our actions impact our daily existence in as many ways as possible. Finally, may we all reach for better.

Siva Hir Su

Is the bar is too high for you?

I’m sorry, but the bar has already been set by two people in my life, not to mention all of my life experience. You, half heartedly trying, just don’t seem to be able to reach it, it is obvious you think you can if you wanted to.

The bar is set by all these moments in my memory that showed genuine caring. You have not demonstrated any of them yet, if you are hesitating, it’s about to be too long. If you are holding back in fear of hurts, it will only lead to that. If you want love with me it has to be shown. My life taught me love by the way it feels, that’s what I’m looking for, and I am seeking only more of that.

Those moments, here’s a few to contemplate:

  • Fixing my drinks and food taking time to acknowledge all of the things I’ve learned about my body, so the nutrition comes without any nasty side effects.
  • The kind of caring that I could feel the energetic ripple of hurt and anguish when we both watched the semi-truck attack in France via Reddit.
  • Caring where we can sit for hours and talk not just about the weather and current events; but goals, hopes, dreams, and deeply held beliefs, and make plans, action steps, to accomplish some of them.
  • Acknowledgement that we do share an energetic connection both in good and bad, and of course the good arousal that comes with that. The deeper experience, not relying on mere good looks and physical attraction, and willingness to ride through the downs to enjoy spectacular ups.
  • The feel of comforting gestures of true concern, the caresses and embraces.
  • Taking time to find not just one, but many shared goals and dreams, a multiplicity of common ground, and the ensuing conversations of the many ways those could play out together in a shared experience.
  • A desire to love and be loved, shown through a myriad of small things that ultimately amounts to a desire to please me often just because you care.
  • Words of encouragement offered when I am down, but more a helping hand when you could otherwise easily opt out, and especially when you have a really good reason not to (Nathan helping at his pace, as he is able, instead of playing the ‘weak-heart card’ to get out of everything.)
  • A strong desire to have family with me and contribute to the growth of another human being with potential to help this world. A shared goal of being good parents and role models regardless of the massive amount of work and responsibility that entails. Even further, helping me when I have moments of failure in regards to that goal.
  • Moments where I am the lucky recipient of expressions of love, a desire to be with me, a desire to know everything about me, desires to have, hold, and support me and our connection. I rarely have to ask for those, and usually when I do, I’m the one having a weak moment where I can’t reach even recent memories of them.
  • The excitement of just getting to spend time with one, just the thought of getting to talk to one. Looking forward to togetherness.
  • The comfort of knowing I’m not alone.
  • The warmth of deep long hugs.
  • The smell of bouquets of flowers, healthy yummy foods, warm chocolate, and clean body next to mine.
  • The knowing that my support is received at some level of consequence, some sacrifice, that I’m honored in a moment over something else you wanted, I was the winner of your choice. My response will be eventually figuring out a way to reward you with both me and the thing you could have done. And knowing that my acknowledgement of that is reciprocated in like.
  • Holding my hand or other moments of affection, not afraid of demonstrating your love for me, because acceptance doesn’t deter your love.
  • Sharing moments of expressions of what we find beautiful in each other. Words do often matter because they are expressions of our feelings. Knowing we feel each other’s emotions, is given vivid highlights when those feelings find words on lips and in ears. The focus of the same vibration in two bodies, on 2 mouths, in 4 ears is wonderful. It becomes an amplification that welcomes more. [Side note: I bet that same amplification worked in group setting. Why do people pick sides and argue instead of finding common ground and expressions of caring?]
  • Helping me, or encouraging me, to keep my puzzle together or fix things when I lapse. That shows that you care about my well being. Sometimes being human means messing up and its effects are reduced when another shows that care. Life happens, no one is perfect, but being there for another makes it better.
  • Understanding when words fail. Words on ears can amplify good vibrations, but sometimes lips can’t find the right words. Being able to understand and respond to, what’s failing to be expressed, is immensely important. When joy is so great that silence calls and tears fall in everyone’s eyes the experience is still shared and amplified. When grief chokes a throat and tears fall, but are met with a gentle shoulder and hug, the grief is lessened. Those moments are our divinity gracing our lives. Those are our connection.
  • To feel another and know another on a level which others find disbelief, is a gift that everyone in this world deserves, but few rarely find, and even fewer can express to the hopeful.

I love deeply and soulfully, and I seek the same. All are still welcome in my life, as we associate with many people in many ways in our lifetimes. However, if love with me is desired, one has to allow that soulful connection to blossom. I prefer to look at blossoms. I prefer to hold blossoms. I may be occasionally easily distracted and frequently too busy to stop and smell the roses, but when I do they get my undivided attention for as long as I can spare (and sometimes I just want to be buried in all the roses).

Oh my, now what?!

This weekend brought a few hours to spare, and much unpacking and situating, even quite a bit of construction.

Saturday late-afternoon and evening I tackled our living room and I was able to get about half of it unpacked. I of course started with the prettiest and most meaningful parts to our experience. It meant that when I ran out of steam our living room was a beautiful spread of 2 altar spaces lit with glowing candles. One is the fireplace mantle and the other the top of the big bookcase. Before (in the rental) I had everything tightly organized onto just the bookcase, it worked, but I’m appreciative that I now have the extra mantle space. I feel it better serves the delineation between the different divine archetypes we work with. It felt very good to get the energy flowing in a very positive way again.

I also managed to get many (not all) of our pictures and family keepsakes hung. I sat with Nathan and Kids and had a long moment of tired but very satisfied appreciation. I was very grateful for this new home.

I was only slightly concerned that my inability to keep moving meant none of our books or important paperwork was dealt with. That will be dealt with in due time.

After my moment with family, I crashed for a good night’s sleep. I even ended up sleeping in a bit the next morning. I tried to get up at my usual time, and decided to do a meditation. My meditation ended with a cat curling up on my lap and then I dozed off again. I was reawakened by the same cat knocking the bouquet Nathan had gotten me, off the mantle. The adrenaline rush of jumping into action to clean up the puddle launched me into my second “day off” of action.

The rest of Sunday was a comical trip to Home Depot to purchase the carpet that Anya finally picked for the flooring of her room, and the following construction labors.

Home Depot is NOT my favorite hardware store, but it’s the closest one to our new home, which was vitally important for the purpose of the trip. It took me forever to find someone to cut the length of carpet I needed, but once complete and checked out they were nice enough to help load it into our car.

That was the comedic moment. See we drive a little red 4 door Mazda Protège, And the carpet was a 12 foot long roll. I had to make the trip alone because the roll was slid in from the trunk all the way up to the front dashboard. Slid is an over simplification, more like shove, adjust, shove, adjust, repeat until it was in as far as possible. They sent the youngest teen boy to help and he was strong but not great at understanding what I needed of him. When all was said and done we got all but 4 feet of the roll in the car. I hung the appropriate red flag from the end and drove home with the trunk open to 28 degree weather.

Once home it was almost as comical to get the carpet out of the car and downstairs to Anya’s bedroom. The staircase is just inside the front door, but faces the bathroom and thus required bending the carpet roll to turn the corner into the bathroom.

Regardless, we succeeded and carpet was eventually installed.

Before putting the carpet down I did the drywall patch on the superfluous doorway and laid the carpet pad. I also installed two doors with appropriate framing. After the carpet was down and trimmed properly, I trimmed out her baseboards and doorway. The following pictures take you through that journey, from where the room started to when I finally ran out of steam.

Literally the only 4 things left for her room are: door kick-plate, door threshold strip, re-painting, and unpacking.

She was hesitant about the room initially, but as I figured it was because it was incomplete. Now she’s super excited since it looks and feels like a bedroom suite.

I do still have trim left to complete in her little half bath, and a few other odds and ends, but the most intense of the desired construction stuff is complete. It feels good to acknowledge that 2 weeks from close, the biggest chores have been tackled and completed. At this point we just have lots of boxes to sort and put away, some of which were in long-term storage so Nathan has already started a big box for donation items.

And today is Tuesday, the first chance I’ve had to write since then. It’s also the first chance I’ve had for serious self-care in about a week. SO, I’ve done cupping on my arms to get functionality back. I was seriously tight and sore from all the heavy work both in office and at home. My skin has soaked up 8 ounces of Mag-ahol, and post cupping I’m doing lots of arnica to take out the “attacked by octopus” look.

May you all have time to spare, speedy progress, and successful ventures in all respects. May you feel satisfied and appreciate your home. May you feel the gratitude of things going well, and see positive changes in your experience. May your tired be well earned and followed by ample rest and rejuvenation. May you have many blessings and much love.

Siva Hir Su

Early morning snuggles to prep for careful commutes.

So with the weather this time of year, things often change last minute. This morning appointments are bumped back because of slick roads, so I get a few extra cuddles before needing to head out the door for an extra cautious commute.

I’m enjoying the extra time with not quite awake Katherine.

I’m not usually very supportive of police because in big cities here in the US they tend to be very discriminatory and over bearing, especially to low income populations and minorites. However, Lawrence PD posted a funny but very appropriate disclaimer for the weather of the season, so I wanted to share that, especially since Nathan is going to be doing extra chauffeuring today.

Our unpacking yesterday got us off to a great start. I was able to nearly finish construction on my new closet custom fit desk. I have yet to finish assembly on the drawers (IKEA $60) but I did get the main desk surface and extra shelves cut and installed (boards from home Depot $35, plus hardware I already had).

I’m very excited to get the computer back up and my desk stuff unpacked. I’m so looking forward to my office being completed and functional. Happy dance!

We also made great headway on our living-room. Boxes are not unpacked yet, but furniture is setup again and it’s starting to feel like home with a few pictures being hung.

Still in chaos, Anya assembling side tables. She generally dislikes her picture being taken- ever; regardless of where it ends up, even if that’s nowhere.
This shot shows the recliner before I recovered the torn sections (a hazard of small children and older furniture).
Here you can see the recliner post reupholster. Also, the futon in this picture is ultimately going to end up downstairs in the large basement room, but I wanted to see how it would fit to accommodate a large gathering or meeting.

All in all, I’m happy with the progress we made yesterday. Nathan even got the washer dryer hooked up and running, so we’ll have clean laundry to put away next!

May you all feel comfortable in your home. May you find just the right combination of things to fit your needs and give your experience good character. May you find the colorful bits of your experience enjoyable, and make things colorful when they’re not already. May you have safe travels and appropriate time off. May you have quality time with kids and family. May you enjoy your days more often than not.

Siva Hir Su

And it has begun.

This is just a quick update. I took most of the day off to begin unpacking and making our new house our home. We’re completely out of the rental and the key was returned Monday. Tuesday we took a short shopping trip to one of my less preferred home improvement stores to get supplies for today. Knowing there were a few items needed to accommodate my office and finishing Anya’s bedroom. Anyways, Nathan snapped a few pictures of me in different aspects because he thought they illustrate how complex I am, especially as a grouping. He confessed he has a whole bunch of Treasa shots.

The first was me pulling the cart as I tracked down the items I needed. That particular isle, I was in search of cheap 2×4’s for studs to close up a superfluous doorway the previous owner started to put in.

The 2 pictures after that was Katherine trying to follow me downstairs and then my having to luer her back upstairs with a shake and a book.

Finally, was a shot he took of my decompression at dinner Wednesday. I had a less than stellar final appointment with an elderly lady that left me with a headache, so I took the few moments waiting on our gluten/dairy-free pizza to massage my temples and scalp. It was good relief.

I look forward to having lots of great pictures to share after today’s work. I’ll get them up ASAP.

May you all have goodly complex days and plenty to do. May you enjoy your days more than not. May you feel your progress. May you feel loved, supported, and appreciated.

Siva Hir Su

Red, Black and White

More than just colors, they are frequent reminders in my experience. Good reminders of my childhood and connections. They have become more frequently present than they used to.

In my childhood black and white were the colors of my stuffies that served as the 3D prop for my connection to my ET. My divine protectors. I called the 2 stuffed pandas Mr and Mrs Checkers. I spoke to, and felt, Mr Checkers far more often than the Mrs. I would rarely feel her and don’t remember ever hearing her voice, I just knew she was there, and would talk to her to make sure she didn’t feel left out. They helped me in so many ways and guided me through many challenges. I am so very grateful.

When I was about 3 or 4, a summer or two before starting school, I remember playing outside in my sandbox, and despite having Mr and Mrs Checkers inside on my bed as usual, I was still talking to him as I played. I felt him and heard him. The only thing I remember from that conversation was that he told me he was going away for a while, but would be back. I asked why and was answered with he just had to. I felt very sad and he repeated that he’d be back, not to worry. Yet I felt him leave and knew he was no longer around me.

I always still talked to him and Mrs. Checkers, frequently in fact, it became my way of essentially talking myself through challenges. By the time I was in middle school fighting depression due to bullying, they and my cat were my cuddling reprieve. To this day I still have those two black and white stuffies sitting on a shelf, but now I blog to fill that need. That sandbox conversation was the last time he responded to me though, that is until about 5 years ago.

When I made the one connection with that stranger, my Checkers came back to me. I could feel, and hear him again. That’s when I had the messages through movies and other situational elements where I started referring to Mr Checkers as my ET, or My Shiva. It was clear to me that the names were more for me than that spirit. The connection to the divine was more important than anything else.

Now, after having him come and go again, I just wonder why. That divine connection means so much to me, I want it all the time. I want him, and that seems so black and white to me.

The colors being a symbol of things being so cut and dry. Positive and negative, this or that, good or bad. Yet, it’s not that simple. My black and white keeps leaving, and for years at a time, when I want so much for him to stay. At the same time, I have this black and white symbology in my experience when I myself am anything but that.

Bisexual, believing in God, defaulting to the pagan label because nothing else fits. No one’s rules fit me and my life. I’m supposed to pick gender for a life mate, yet my biology and psyche make that nearly impossible, I want to love them, and be loved by them all. Pregnancies broke rules, my diet, exercise regimen and body appearance all break rules of what is accepted as normal. I am literally a walking contradiction. Fat but otherwise healthy. Immune system more concerned about fighting foods than actual diseases (those are easy to kill). Stronger than most people, but looking like the Venus of Willendorf with a sprinkling of men’s chest and facial hair. It’s like my black and white got all mixed up. I’m more of a 50/50 grey.

Red now that’s a totally different color. Maybe I’m the red.

Red was the color of love growing up. I have a Valentine’s season birthday, and my favorite card as a child was one I pulled at the grocery store when my mom was trying to find a birthday card for me. Sitting in the shopping cart I saw a card with big red hearts on it, the center one was covered in glitter. I reached over, grabbed it, and opened it up. The song Für Elise started playing. Even though I didn’t know the song I thought it was beautiful. I begged my mom for that card. It was a $5 in the 80’s, which was the most expensive card you could buy. She was hesitant, but I kept opening it back up for the song to play, and she conceeded, saying it was expensive enough she wasn’t going to buy a second card for my birthday it could be both. I played with that card for months until there was no glitter left and the card literally fell apart at the seam. Years later when I learned to play piano I found out what the song was and learned to play it. To this day it is the only piano song I can play nearly all of from memory.

So red was love, red was birthdays, red was pretty cars in the posters on my brother’s wall. Red was roses, lilies, tulips, and begonias. Red was my favorite jelly shoes and Sunday best dress. Red was the patent leather belt I had for years, until I grew too plump for it to fit.

Red was also the color of my parents faces when they were super angry and the color of my skin after being spanked with my dad’s leather belt. Red was the wound on my leg for a solid month after falling on the merry-go-round. It was the color of my mom’s lipstick that I used on myself at 3yo, and then the mirror when I couldn’t aim right on myself. Red was the Ruby in the heart pendant my dad gave my mom. Red Ruby also adorned the angel pin I cherished because it was my first piece of jewelry. Red were the beautiful Christmas poinsettias that made the cats sick when they tried to eat the petals.

Today red is all of the above. All things come in red, and some are beautiful, some are necessity, some the red was not the reason for the choice. I love the color, and especially when it is an object of beauty. It’s passionate and strong like me, but loving and warm also.

Yet, I’m not sure it is me. Similar traits does not mean they are analogous.

However, every time I see those 3 colors: Red, Black, and White; especially together, I am reminded of my connection. It has literally become a trigger for me. Most days I acknowledge the sentiment, but find myself saying ” Where did you go?” Or “Why did you go?”. I ponder: will I ever understand, does it belong to another person just like me (that person I met) or is it only my divine half. Translation will I ever have the luxury of a hug, or will I only feel that embrace when I leave this body?

I wish I knew, but the fear my brain seems to enjoy so much, leaves me hesitant, you can’t close Pandora’s box once it is open.

So I find, yet again – regardless of the years which have passed, a strong desire to talk to my ET, my Shiva, my Mr Checkers.

I love your love and support. I love feeling you. It makes my heart hurt when you are gone. Please stay with me. I wish I understood better, I wish there was something I could do to help you be here with me. I loving knowing you care and love me.

I am so grateful for Nathan. He is so honest and supportive. He’s a terrible liar and knows that, so he rarely even tries to. He only hides things when he’s trying to fix something for me, like a surprise. He does so much for me that it remimds me of how I felt with you as a child. You both keep me safe and I feel so very loved when either one of you gives me attention. I wish I could hug and hold you.

It seems my puzzle fell apart over the holidays again, especially with the moving inconvenience. I know you helped me figure out that puzzle, so I’m hoping you’ll help me get it back together. I wish my body wasn’t so difficult to please, I wish I could heal my body enough that my puzzle got easier. Please come back and help me with that. I miss you.

I wish I knew what you were doing when you’re gone. I wish I could help you or others that you are with. Sometimes I feel so insignificant in this world, I want to help so much, but I struggle just to keep myself and my family afloat. I wish my puzzle and my life could get easier so that I could do good things for others and for God. I wish you were a part of that.

Do you remember when I used to pretend in my sandbox. I made communities, whole towns that did good things. Why are there so many bad people in the world, and why did one of the nastiest have to become our president. Why don’t people see what they’re doing is hurting the world? Why is it so hard for good people to stay buoyant and actually accomplish positive changes in the world. Why is it so hard for people to cooperate with each other?

I know you tried to tell me something when I met SJ. Please send that person my love and blessings. They are so far out of reach, and I’m doing my best to move on. I miss them too, but don’t have any way to reach out to them. I know you know how much I loved them, I just wish they knew, and if they do know I wish they could tell me that. I get that expansion happens because of problems like this situation, but I wish I had the solution for this one.

I wish I had more solutions for everyone and everything. I apologise for my oddities, my tangents, and for having experiences that can’t be quantified by science. Thank you for reading one such example.

May you have all the solutions you need. May you feel less odd and more normal. May you have easy health, happiness, and good fortune. May your experience be gentle on your constitution. May you feel loved and supported through a consistent connection to your divine half. May you have a happy life and blessed family. May you have a full understanding of your experience.

Many blessings,

Siva Hir Su

Snowy day of wrapping up.

The weather is cold, after sleet last night, it has snowed about 3 inches today. I worked this morning with intentions of having a regular Saturday schedule, albeit extra slow driving.

This was the weather from my first client’s driveway.

My first elderly client fell 20 minutes before I got to her home, and the non-emergency lift service thought she should go to the hospital to get checked for concussion, so that was a wasted drive. Before I left her home one of my afternoon people called and said she would rather I not drive, I didn’t have the heart to tell her I’d been out all morning and took it as a sign that I should call the day a wash.

So I am currently waiting on lunch for Nathan and I to be made and after we consume our meal I will help him finish cleaning the rental. He swears he’s on the last load of stuff, but considering how significantly things slowed with just him doing the box moving, I’m happy if it’s 2 or 3 car loads.

Once the rental is cleaned and emptied, we’ll return to our new home to rest and play with kids. Their room is the only one mostly unpacked and they quite enjoyed that last night. I’m so happy to see my kids settling in and enjoying the slightly more spacious house we now have.

May you all have good weather, safe travels, happy cleaning, and restful evenings with your family.

Siva Hir Su

Funny sh*t Nathan found.

I rarely do this, but with this week’s current events and my general demeanor I needed to make light of things whilst still letting my views be known.

I stand by the fact that I never wish a stroke on anyone, but welcome our president having a major brain event. If Iran were paying attention: it is possible to eliminate just the one person that caused this and leave the rest of the country out of it. Please and thank you.

I love.

I’m super tired and we’re still not completely done with clearing out the rental. I’ve had to go back to work, so the pace slowed in a major way with Nathan doing his best to wrap up the rest. To top it off I definitely strained/sprained my shoulder and have had to do everything available to attempt to get it back to functionality as quickly as possible. That process has left me feeling better physically, but open to energetic junk and I have spent all day feeling someone’s extreme sadness. I fought tears all afternoon promising myself I would not cry on clients again.

To that end I have done everything I could to attempt to stay buoyant. I created a list of “I love” mentally to repeat to get through my afternoon.

  • I love kitties, small and big.
  • I love sunshine.
  • I love soft fuzzy warm blankets.
  • I love feeling good.
  • I love my hair (even though I need a haircut desperately, it still looks decent and is soft).
  • I love flowers.
  • I love beautiful things.
  • I love being able to feel others (most of the time) because it helps me to help them. (Occasional exceptions apply).
  • I love Tesla cars.
  • I love alternate energy sources.
  • I love cute babies.
  • I love seeing my children have fun and smiling.
  • I love my strength.
  • I love real wood floors… And tile.
  • I love fire and fireplaces.
  • I love colorful things.
  • I love the first snow of the year (especially if I get to stay home).
  • I love massages.
  • I love candles,crystals, and gemstones… All pretty things.
  • I love having fun.
  • I love cuddling and snuggling with Nathan, kids and pets.
  • I love lemon water.
  • I love spring and Autumn- flowers blooming and colorful leaves.
  • I love celebrating anything.
  • I love seeing others be supported by friends and family… I told the office manager I’m just a little jealous and want to be like her when I grow up because she has so many good friends that show up for her.

There was more, but tired and achy just won.

May you have speedy recoveries, healthy days, and feel good mostly. May your tears stay at bay when needed and may you always have good friends that show up for you. May your list of loves be plentiful and present, and easily remembered when absent. May you have all the rest you need and energy for all your activities, chosen and otherwise.

Good night y’all.

Siva Hir Su

8,745; 20,928; 17,416

That’s the number of steps I’ve incurred over the last 3 days. Almost all of them accomplished while also doing heavy lifting. … That’s 47,089 steps in 3 days along with hours and hours of hoisting belongings for our entire family.

We’re moving into our new home. Nathan and I doing it all alone as usual. Our Facebook friends were no help, no surprise there (have I mentioned there’s a reason I don’t do social media). The handful I direct texted or talked to in person were all predisposed. (Just once I’d love for one of the people we’ve helped to return the favor, and there’s quite a few of those.)

I could have hired movers, but that would have eaten money I could put towards finishing Anya’s bedroom, as that’s the room that was started in the previous owners’ house remodel, but not finished.

We all make choices, some are totally worth it, but still painful to get through. This would be one.

I love my family enough to ensure my dollars go toward more long-term oriented goals in making my choices. I’ll suffer the move to make sure my daughter’s bedroom is beautiful, and to her desiring, in the near future. It’ll also ensure windows get replaced sooner than later (as discussed before the offer was made). It also ensured I was able to get area rugs and a few pieces of furniture replaced that sorely needed it ages ago.

I am appreciating that I have the ability to even make these choices. I’m also appreciating that I find myself less worried about the dollars I’m spending. There is a knowing I’m making the best choices for my goals, and I have the finances to accommodate, even if it gets slightly tight at certain points in my monthly and yearly cycles. I’m still no millionaire, a long ways from that in fact, but I’m super appreciative that I’m no longer a few hours of work from food stamps. I’m ever so grateful that I’m much less worried about making my bills each month, and haven’t had to seek financial assistance from charities in several years. There could be more in my experience, but my gratitude for God’s help is immense because I have experienced far less for more years than I care to count.

Last night a church group was going door to door, passing pamphlets and preaching on repentance. She asked me if I was having fun moving and I just said no.

As she left I muttered to God that she has no idea how many years of penance I’ve experienced and if she really cared for others in her neighborhood she’d offer to help instead of preaching when I’m working my ass off. On their second pass through she had the kids that were with her help us for a few minutes. I thanked her and then proceeded to thank God with every box I lifted. I knew he had heard my grumbles, and that’s what matters.

I know that I’m part of the reason that others never return the favor, but I’m just not certain how. I know I’ve come to expect it, as this situation has been a repeat experience, so law of attraction is probably as major factor. However, I’m not certain that’s the only reason. I wonder if I am just not warm or friendly enough, or if my long hours of work that has been so beneficial to unburying financially, caused others to give up on me. I just don’t know for sure why, even though I’ve done heavy lifting for others, I never see reciprocation. It just is what it is.

The one friend that I know, who has already done wonderful things for me -my massage therapist of 7 years- lives over an hour away now. So, I didn’t have the heart to beg her for help knowing she’d have to drive so far to be of assistance. One day I’ll have more valuable friends that reciprocate my actions.

Probably long before that day, I’ll have a beautifully landscaped yard, Anya’s room will be finished, windows will be replaced, and we’ll have painted our home in beautiful bright hues of the whole rainbow. I even want to do at least one mural, though I’m not sure where yet.

For now my focus continues to be work and home. Things I already have, which I’m very appreciative of and grateful for, that can be improved upon. Once we are fully moved and settled, I’ll refocus on those things I started a while ago, books I’m reading, CEU instructor certification, artwork, etc. There is plenty for me to do to fill a whole lifetime, and perhaps at some point in all that God will surprise and delight me further.

May you all be satisfied with your choices, even when the consequences are less than desired. May you see and acknowledge your improvement. May you see God’s guidance and support in your life. May you have an endless list of things to be grateful for and appreciative of. May you see plenty to focus on in the here and now. May you have things that you can improve upon without too much difficultly or resource consumption. May you know that God is listening and offering replies. May you know you are loved and supported.

Siva Hir Su