All posts by tcailleach

About tcailleach

I'm a massage therapist working with the elderly; musician, artist, mom, LGBTQ, & polyamorous professional.

As I Am.

I sit soaking in my tub, with 3 pounds of Epsom Salts in the water. Enough to relax muscles and cleanse energetic junk. As I soak I’m singing along to Summer Osbourne’s song “As I Am”. It’s really helping a lot!

This isn’t the best recording ever, but gives you an idea why I love her music.

This link has the whole album with better audio….

It is cleansing a shit-tastic roller-coaster rocky-climb of a couple weeks out of my system. Today was an especially special day where I metaphorically ran all day long just trying to keep up. A large chunk of it was a three floor plumbing disaster with me and one other manager on duty.

Yet, I mostly managed to keep it together these two weeks. I had my moments of that being in question, but I didn’t ever crash until late at night, and when I did, I went straight to sleep.

I am so grateful for the song and the soak, so I reached out to Summer with the following. I really do appreciate her in many ways.

Even though I can’t duplicate that concert from years ago, I can still appreciate the memory. I know whether she reads my words tonight or later, that she probably needs the lift of a compliment as much as I do.

If we lived closer to one another, I’d do so much more, like I do for so many.

Right now I’m doing my best to release a strong desire for reciprocation. I have given compliments, gifts, flowers, and help to many people and many organizations, and it seems I still wait for any to return to me. I fight the energetic backlash of those that feel like I owe them more and more. I fight the energetic drain of those that simply need more than I’m able to give. But I still do my best to help as much as I’m able, knowing I may never see any return to me. I can hope right?

In the midst of today I took 3 seconds to snap a picture of a flyer at work (see below) that I know my presence contributed to. I noticed it a while ago, but it’s posted in an area with restricted travel due to covid, so I have been waiting patiently for the moment to claim proof. If you’re a regular reader you probably see my influence as readily as I do. The first time I noticed it it made me cry.

I know that superiors had been stalking me electronically after my one chain of command lapse a year and a half ago. I never had proof until this poster. I’m flattered and honored they took advice I never gave them directly. I just wish moments like that meant more for my individual daily experience of life.

I am grateful that I was able to have a positive impact on such a large organization.

As the chiropractor flippantly commented: ‘maybe that’ll earn me my angel wings’.

I’m not so concerned about angel wings, I just had hoped that God would help me improve life so my kids didn’t have to struggle so hard to stay healthy and to find themselves. I had hoped maybe if I could help others, God would help me find my healing. So far, I keep giving and hoping, and struggle to overcome my angry-at-the-world moments.

So. I sing. I am safe, I am loved, I am grateful, I am free. I’m as perfect as can be. I am here, I am whole, as I am.

Thank you Summer Osborne.

God, it really would be nice for a little more reciprocation some times, or at least for my immune system to chill the eff out.

May you know you are safe, loved, perfect and whole. May you find gratitude in whatever ways possible, even if you have to squint to see it, or search long and hard for the tiny tidbits to reach for. May you know God supports you and that someday it’ll be worth it somehow. May you know everything works out for the best.

Siva Hir Su

Hello Sun

Thank you God for an East facing window next to a desk just for me.

Last night I used mechanical means to help elevate my mood- mostly herbal/plant based. **(See Below)** Something my father would not have done, no he would have wallowed for days and slept it off not talking to anyone for ages- that or he would have started yelling/screaming over everything.

I am not my father, because I have chosen better. I chose to reach for better and do better no matter what. I choose to make better decisions no matter where I am at, what might have caused it, or why. So, I didn’t withdrawal or yell at anyone, I took my herbal aids and rejoined life.

So, I apologized to God for taking the easy route and used the elevation in mood to reach for the combination of solution for myself. I chose to ignore the cause behind it, because I was certain enough that I already knew the cause. Besides, just because you think you know the cause doesn’t mean you can’t still reach for solution. On the flip side, even if you have no clue what the cause is, you can still reach for the solution. I chose to reach for better, because I know that no matter what the topic is there is always a solution after the fact. It doesn’t matter if it’s disease of any kind, depression, or external stressers and world woes, EVERYTHING has a solution if we choose to reach for it.

So today, I salut the Sun from my office window while I wait for my first client to arrive, knowing that sunshine, a little art therapy, a supplement refill, and some much needed exercise will be large factors in my solution.

This is my new office, I’m still not quite used to it, but I’m getting there.

I have fully moved into it and rearranged a few things several times, including my artwork being reframed. I still stub toes on my rolling stool, and have to stop and think where I put things when I need them, but generally I am starting to settle in.

I do appreciate having more space and an actual desk. It’s already been helpful. I do appreciate having easy access to the ceiling-bar so I don’t hurt myself anymore. I do love the East facing window on sunny mornings. The few cons will dissipate over time, especially once I figure out solutions for them. First is, I really need to find some kind of no-slip stoppers for the table feet, it migrates across the room as I’m working on people. Mildly obnoxious, but relatively easy to fix.

I’m the meantime, I have spent the last 12 to 14 hours reaching for better. At this point my extra herbal boost has worn off, but I’m still reaching. I’m still aiming for good and improvement. I have thought about my beautiful children and my adorable pets. I have appreciated the home which I worked so hard to get.

I have appreciated myself, all the things that I have done and accomplished, despite my angry and bitter father trying to convince me not to. He may have been right about poverty plaguing me for years, but pretty much everything else he got wrong, and it makes me wonder if I gave him too much power on the poverty topic anyway. He was determined that the only way to get through life was follow status quo and do all the things you’re supposed to do. I realized that every single thing he told me not to do, are the things that actually help me feel better and enjoy life. And things he was adamant were ideal, are the things that bring me the most discomfort.

Working hard and having a job in the system are miserable. My art degree and doing artwork are uplifting. The idea of crunching numbers all the time as an engineer would, is horribly boring, mind numbing. Being able to help people every day is uplifting.

Doing the safe, tried and true that society deems as functional may keep you safe and relatively stable; but it’s exhilarating to acknowledge that I have supported an entire family, on my own, when it was risky, when I was supposed to just go get a job, when what I was doing could have failed miserably. I kept a family afloat when everyone around me wanted to convince me it was foolhardy and unsustainable.

I have worked as a massage therapist for 13 years, when my class was instructed the career-life of the average massage therapist is 5 years. I help people everyday with things when their doctor told them they’d just have to live with it. I help people even when they refuse to let go and make my work difficult for me.

Beyond that I help outside of massage. I’ve made and donated signs and artwork of a variety. I’ve supported food banks and homeless shelters. I’ve donated belongings to charitable organizations. I helped my father escape a hospital when he doesn’t want to be in the system anymore. I am currently helping Autumn regain her footing in life, including transportation, setting up appointments and doing my level best to help her with emotional support and pain management. And though my reader base is small, I know I’ve helped at least a few people know they aren’t alone and that anything can be fixed if you allow God to help you see the solutions. I know my words have helped being some understanding and some relief too this crazy world of ours. I know my words generally help people see how to reach for better and know they aren’t alone.

My failures and missteps have given me lessons to learn and grow, and my words help others learn those lessons more gently. My father may have created an environnement of abuse and damage that caused many long-term problems for me, but I turned those problems into lessons for myself and everyone. I learned from them and grew and have shown everyone they can do it too.

I have chosen to learn things just because I find value in them, and I know I can learn anything that I want to. The bonus is God has my back and guides me to knowing which things are best for me. When I feel good, I know I’m doing what God wants me to do, even when it doesn’t make sense at the time.

We all are in this boat together. If you are having these same/similar realizations, then please know God wants us to succeed. The fate of humanity lies in us being able to maintain our connection and work together for solutions for all. No matter where you are, what you are doing, where you think you are headed, always reach for better and reach for solutions. Humanity needs us to do that more than ever.

I know that we can do it. We have already broken down so many of the old dysfunctional beliefs and paradigms. Just because they said this or that, doesn’t mean it is true for us. When they realize that their ways no longer apply, they will probably all exit, and that’s okay. There no reason to keep pummeling new generations with outdated, useless beliefs and paradigms. Humanity needs to learn and grow and reach for better and many of those old ways prevent that. We all must focus on the solutions that allow for goodness and growth for all of human kind. Only if something supports humanity as a whole should it continue. It is time that the light wins and we get our lives back. It is time for the solutions that enable living wholly and completely.


May you see your solutions easily. May you know what to reach for and how to put solutions into place. May you see how to come together with others to create lasting relief for everyone. May you see that even after something seemingly negative there is always a solution to be found. May you see that you can do anything and there is no need to hide from anything, there is no need play it safe. If you stay connected anything you do is safe. May you understand God supports you. May you know you are loved and that all learning lessons are good lessons, and that you can learn anything you want to.

Siva Hir Su


**=… … This is purely my own suggestion based on what I do for myself, and though I’d love to be compensated for it, I currently am not. … … I highly recommend several supplements as solutions for managing systemic depression, as often (but not always) depression is a symptom of mechanical failure within the brain and/or body. Those would be: A good methylated B-complex at high doses, magnesium- dose may vary, fish oil – also at large doses, Adrenal Caps by Solaray especially if stress is a factor or cause, CBD oil and/or cannabis products. These are all good for general causes of depression. Oftentimes hormones or thyroid play a role and you’d want to address those as well. … … My current favorite general booster is “Free and Easy Wanderer” tea pills available from MayWay, I have to take a lot when I really dip, but if I take enough it’s way better than any prescription antidepressant that I’ve ever tried, and the bonus is that I don’t have to take it every day- only when I drop, it also doesn’t have any side effects that I’ve noticed.