All posts by tcailleach

About tcailleach

I'm a massage therapist working with the elderly; musician, artist, mom, LGBTQ, & polyamorous professional.

A WTF moment.

I’m still not sure the exact mechanics of it, but late this afternoon I had a WTF moment with myself.

In a nutshell I got stuck on my body image and people that dropped me like a bad habit.

I was doing mostly great. I’ve been battling fatigue for a few days now, but I suspect that is mostly to do with the giant energy-vampire vacuum that is my father. Otherwise, I have managed to maintain everything else and my mood has stayed up since my explosive argument with dad. I’ve even been managing to get power-yoga workouts in the 3 times a week that is supposed to be a good maintenance routine. Yet right in the middle of my last client today my mood tanked.

I couldn’t figure out what triggered it. I was mentally running through all of the things I have accomplished and strides I have made for improvement. I was honoring myself.

Then* smack* it hit me. I’m still not what society deems beautiful. I don’t fit the dominant paradigm and it isn’t for a lack of trying.

I do eat like a rabbit and have for the majority of 7 years. My food fails are currently even a fraction of what they were while pregnant and that produced weight loss and healthy babies simultaneously. So why is progress so damn slow now?

Then my brain took the side tangent of why it possibly matters. My brain decided to remind me of the few whom I wanted, that pushed me away. They did not want to choose me.

I couldn’t seem to help it, the two elements felt connected.

In the end. I’m frustrated over slow to non-existent progress. I’m down over body image and wanting the others. I know I shouldn’t care about them, but I still do. I’m feeling a huge “it’s not fair” moment. I work so diligently on improvement, every day doing something to better myself, and that’s in addition to the myriad of things I do for others.

I had a conversation with God last night after my half of a massage trade, asking why they don’t help as much as I need (beyond the obvious of not as good of a therapist as I’m used to). I got the message that I need at least 10% of what I do for others to be for me and God. That is what the intent behind tithing is. Care for that which keeps everything going.

Yet I countered God with I do way more than 10%. I trade 5% of my time. I do self care another 10%, Nathan works on me another 5-10%. I get chiropractic as much as needed, which varies depending on my schedule and everything else. I exercise which helps me increase my strength and decrease problems. I take supplements that cost almost 10% of my income. I eat my super healthy, allergen free, rabbit food so stringently that 6 out of 7 days a week look exactly the same. I meditate daily, and I do multiple other things for health benefits with my remaining spare time (IR treatments, acupuncture, mechanical manipulation, inversion, etc). If you account for every ounce of effort for my health it is way way more than 10% of my work-time/finances.

With all the effort I put in, I am still morbidly obese by all standard measures. I’m only 20 pounds lighter than my father carrying multiple gallons of water weight due to congestive heart failure- so much fluid he can’t reach to wipe his own ass.

Yet I can almost put my knees behind my head, and I can pick up people that weigh as much as I do, even dead weight elderly people. That’s in addition to hours of deep tissue massage. Last week I did over 25 hours of deep tissue, and one of those hours was so deep I had to climb on the table and use my knee for the person to get their desired results.

It is seeming very not fair, and it doesn’t help that I work with people that have it easy- eating all manner of bought prepared foods and smoothies, and still looking like Abercrombie models. I would love to have the acupuncturist’s body, or the chiropractor’s either one.

But my lesson here is to love what I have because it is obvious that I’m not getting out of it any time soon.

I don’t hate my body, it keeps me going, it is strong and flexible most days. I can handle way more than most people physically speaking. I have massive endurance and there are definitely elements of my body I do really like. I love my hair, though right now I could really use a haircut. I love when my skin is tanned, it is so soft and smoothe and the tan makes it seem to glow like when I was pregnant. I love the definition I have in my calves, when I stand on my tip toes you can see the outlines of the muscles. My bones are strong by evidence of only having broken a couple of really small bones in bad accidents (a window falling, a table getting dropped on my foot), like if a bone hadn’t broken I would be wonder woman. I like that my toes and fingers are all in good proportion and in good condition. I never have trouble with athletes foot or plantar fasciitis. I can pick up my kids and carry them for a long time. I can walk miles without trouble. I’m even finally beginning to regain my core strength.

The one thing I want to change CAN, at least technically speaking. I seem to be having a devil of a time allowing it to. Simply put I want my skin to skrink and take those extra pounds away. I watched a Dr Oz episode one time where a lady like me had 40 pounds of skin removed. That is what I need, but I know for certain it is possible without surgery. I just want to figure out how to allow my body to do it, and do it much faster. I’ve read and researched several times over, and I’m already doing everything that helps (exercise, saw palmetto, Hyaluronic Acid, collagen, Infrared treatments, ultrasound treatments). If it helps I’m currently trying to do it as much as possible. Yet months into my stepping up measures, and I have very little to show for it.

The cover photo is stock image from pexels, and as much as I would love to look like that, I’m currently having difficulty believing it is possible.

This is what I looked like after Ian’s birth. It’s the smallest I have been as an adult:

This is an advertisement picture for a swimsuit, but close to what I would love to look like:

I am certain that my body can heal, and I really, really, really want it to. Today’s emotional tank didn’t help, but I know what I want and how to mentally get there. Just more practice is needed. Apparently lots more practice, and letting momentum win this one.

For now I am going to let it go and try to find my happy again. Perhaps more herbs to counter cyclical hormones.

May you have an easier time loving your body. May you know that God loves and supports you. May you know that others find you beautiful in the best ways. May you know your goals are reachable. May you know you have made progress in all ways. May you know there is a reason why you still care about others, even when they don’t care about you. May you know how to make the best of things that hit hard or sneak up out of seemingly nowhere. May you know that the important people or things will eventually come back around and have lasting meaning. May you know you are on the right track. May you have plenty of energy and endurance to get through.

Siva Hir Su

Tao of Watts

One of the great American philosophers, Alan Watts will make you think deeply. He pulls from all major religions, but has a leaning towards eastern philosophy such as Taoism, Buddhism, and Hinduism. This latest video notification to gain my attention seems to fit so well with everything going on in my worldview at this moment. May you have deep feel good moments of clarity. Siva Hir Su

Watch “You Can’t Do Nothing – Alan Watts” on YouTube

My Inner Being View

I listened to some Abraham videos while at work today and it stirred a list of how my inner being sees things. I wanted to share in case it helps you. It might also help to read recent posts to have a bit better understanding of how these relate to reaching for better.

Dad:

  • My dad is a perfect example for me to reach for how I want to be.
  • My dad has been very helpful in finding my best me.
  • My dad is showing me how to really LIVE.
  • Dad is about to chatch up with his higher self in a big way and him and I will both have a much greater understanding. We will both understand more fully and completely when he reconnects with his higher self in totality.
  • He is helping me learn unconditional love, unconditional kindness, and unconditional compassion in a big way. I may have needed the release of yelling at him, but I’m learning that it was more for me than to make any difference in his state of being alive. I can not change him, and I respect myself enough to keep reaching for better.
  • My dad has helped me to be certain of who I am and what my connection to God is.
  • He has made certain that I reclaimed my power.
  • I now know how to stand up for myself completely.
  • I now know how to stand strong and refuse to budge. Not because of unwillingness to change, but because I know what I want and what is in my vortex. I now know how to only change for the better and make certain my choices are respected.
  • I am more certain than ever of my worthiness because I know how bad being ignored and disrespected makes me feel.

Me:

  • I have healed greatly.
  • My body is working better than ever because of God’s healing and guidance.
  • All of my organs are healing and beginning to function closer to optimum conditions.
  • My immune system is working just as God intended for me and it is keeping me very healthy when I act as God intended. It needs no external input.
  • My body is now beginning to produce hormones at optimum levels to encourage further healing and help everything in my body function at it’s best.
  • “I am pure positive energy that must move forward.” – Abraham
  • I am heard and understood by God and by Nathan and others.
  • I am respected and honored by many.
  • My Thyroid is healing and gives me abundant energy, it is helping me burn fat and heal my whole body.
  • I am a beautiful person.
  • I am more flexible than ever.
  • I am stronger than ever.
  • I am healthier than ever.
  • I slimer than ever.
  • My skin gets more beautiful and toned everyday.
  • I am healthy, whole, and complete.
  • I am mostly resistance free.
  • I am positive and I mostly feel good.
  • I am calm and my body is being soothed by God’s healing energy.
  • I am perfect just the way I am. Perfectly imperfect, but always reaching for better. Always reaching for true living.
  • I am most definitely connected to my inner being.
  • I’m feeling better and better and that is manifesting in my experience.

May you have wonderful moments of clarity. May you see things the way your inner being does and know it is helping you to manifest greater in your life. May you know you are doing better ever day you wake up. May you know it is not your time and that God loves you. May you feel that love open your heart in amazing ways. May you learn and practice unconditional.

Siva Hir Su