I ate all the things. Save for one bell pepper: my brain remembered they make me wheeze and I told it “I’m sorry, I really like you, but I would like to breathe for now.”
I enjoyed every bite of comfort.
I gorged until my belly was midly sore. I felt fat, but I already gave into that. I am, despite efforts for years to the contrary, I might as well enjoy it for the moment. I might change my mind later if God let’s me live longer, and that’s okay.
I hugged my husband tight, who knows how many more of those I’ll have with the deal I just made (see last post).
I won’t go to doctors again unless they drag me in an ambulance, and even then I doubt they’ll truly fix anything, just buy some time. That’s all Allopathic medicine ever does, even though they scare you into thinking otherwise.
I smelled the roses, they were from my last tiff with Nathan. It was induced by an allergic reaction to tasty food combined with a mental trigger ingrained by childhood experiences. Hopefully, it will be my last tiff with him, but hopefully there will be more flowers regardless.
They’re beautiful, but don’t smell much. They adorn my massage office until they breathe their last breath. I will trim them and water them to help prolong that, but ultimately have no control over how long that is.
I really looked for what I want right now.
I couldn’t find an answer beyond wanting comfort and high vibrational stuff, and thought that somehow those were not the same thing.
I sat in my car for my lunch break, planning to take my usual walk around the pond. I decided to play with my camera on my phone and got distracted with selective focus. Now I write this. There’s 30 min left, I’ll wrap up and get a short walk in.
Even with the haze of forrest fire smoke, it’s really a beautiful day.
May you just give up and enjoy what you have right now. May we all quit fighting and trying to be right or make others wrong. May we reach for living the best we can not knowing how long we have. May you appreciate all the things. May you understand all the things you aren’t supposed to do, eat, be, say; they’re all because someone else decided they were bad. Sometimes there isn’t a solution, and we all die eventually, was it worth it if you never enjoyed what you ate or did? What if you hurt others along the way, too many times to count? There is a happy medium you can reach for on pretty much any topic. Do what you want as long as it reaches for good and for better, and sometimes that is enjoying food, and sometimes that is reaching for a healthy alternative. May God help us live enjoyable lives even when we do something wrong, and may God help us right our wrongs. May you find peace and know you are loved and supported.
“Hello Darkness My Old Friend” ~ Simon & Garfunkle
My Vampire is back.
You know who you are pretending you don’t know I write, but regularly stalk me online. Your software isn’t as good as you think it is, but your darkness is the real evidence for me.
I write today to tell you that you win.
Your darkness is invasive no matter what I do, and you are right. You always were. The biggest problem is that you are not only one, you are one of many with the same darkness and none of us will win against it, so I willingly give up and give in. You win.
You told me I was worthless, fat, ugly, stupid, not good enough, I couldn’t handle anything, and no one cared.
You were right, despite my best efforts to prove otherwise. I am fat. I am ugly. I am stupid enough that I haven’t figured out how to fix this. I can’t handle anything, it all gets too overwhelming for me. I am never good enough to fix this for real, for good. And you were right about no one cares, no one that is except Nathan and my one friend.
You were right about everything.
Your desire for guns for protection, just in case. You and everyone like you has created a world where people kill each other and governments take control and wage wars on people just to prove their power. The need for fire power has created a world hell bend on self-destruction. I can’t fix that.
Your fear mongering over illness has a created a world full of sick people, myself included, and no real resources for fixing it- even the best medicine only treats the symptoms and rarely cares to reach for cure. The latest version created a battle for “I can’t breathe” and now the world gives us more and more reasons to not be able to breathe. Forrest fire smoke spreading around the world, volcanoes erupting. You made us afraid we wouldn’t be able to breathe and the earth answered that request.
Your greed for money has caused a world where greed wins. Medical institutions only want to do that which will make them money, and they have no care to help heal, especially if you are poor. Governments are just the same, and corporations are even worse most of the time. As long as it makes a profit that is what matters.
Your hatred of black people has continued 200 years of suffering and death for them, but you still hate them so much you don’t care to fix it. You even created a world where my own husband was treated improperly and I fear for the future of my own children. You still don’t care, you still don’t see the problem, because it is not your problem. You don’t face the consequences of your hatred, so much so that you think I am unjust in the way I treat you.
You want to be right so badly that you cling to wrongness and disdain. You want to be right so badly that you keep feeding the battles between people. You want to be right so badly that you continue to hurt others with your hatred and words and inflammatory actions.
I’m here to write that I don’t need to be right. I don’t need to win. I don’t need anything.
I wanted lots of things, but what I wanted never mattered anyway, because you refused to see the value in any of it.
There’s a story in Indian mythology where Shiva and Kali are two halves of a whole and neither can exist in the presence of the other for very long. Kali inevitably kills Shiva as she is waging war on her (the world’s) demons. I have felt for a long time now, that you were a part of that story for me. The problem is I can see value in refusing to perpetuate the old hashed and rehashed paradigms. So I give up and give in. I don’t need to win, and I don’t want to kill you. I just want peace.
I can’t handle life, living like this, constantly battling the darkness. I am simply too tired to care anymore. So, I give in. I relinquish my power. I allow the darkness to win and finish me off. I don’t need to fight anymore. I don’t need to pass on old unhelpful paradigms. I don’t need to damage my children any more because your darkness wins too frequently. I don’t need or want any of it anymore.
I have done my level best to fix this and heal myself, mind, body, and spirit, and my best is still not good enough as evidence by this morning’s energetic attack. You win.
I want God to end the suffering and let me be in peace. I give up. I don’t know what that will mean, but I accept the answer in whatever form it takes. I am willing to play a dyeing Kali, so that one unhelpful paradigm can be released.
I am not afraid of disease as I carry more than one, at least two of which I got from you as a small child. It ALL could be healed if I could let God in long enough, but you ensure that I can’t.
I’m not feeling a need for protection via firepower, I see both the futility and the insanity of that. Beyond that I know that God protects me, even if it means I leave life on Earth.
I love my fellow humans, all of them, even the ones like you that hurt me. Even when those hurts happen over and over again, I still love them. I wish for nothing more than for people to stop hating on each other and fighting.
But beyond all of it, I just want peace. I can not fight the battle inside myself anymore. I have spent 25 years fighting this battle, because I was supposed to live for those people that didn’t care, and I just want out. I hope that God hears my prayer and honors my request.
I give up and you win.
May you see and realize your rightness. May you find relief in that knowing. May you get the results you always wanted. May you be happy with your creation. Above all may you know that I love you even though you hurt me our whole life together.
Abraham Hicks has often said to not give a lick what others think. One should live a life that feels good, not try to fit others’ moulds. Happiness lies in being the self regardless of others’ opinions.
My only question in response to that is:
What does one do when they have done their best to do that, for many years, and have very little to show for it? Specifically in relation to relationships.
My early days of school I had two really good friends that I did everything with. Yet, moving because of dad’s jobs crushed that, I was too young to keep up with them without parental assistance, and I am certain they think I just fell off the earth.
I spent all of middle school, at two different schools, being bullied as the new fat kid, and my parents told me to just ignore them and move on. And as a family we did, moving twice more by the middle of freshman year of highschool.
In highschool, it was rough to try and make friends. I figured out I was too smart and fat to be the popular kid, not geeky enough to hang with the science kids, not sporty enough to spend time with athletes, and not dramatic enough to chum with the theatre kids. So since my solace was already music, I spent a disproportionate amount of time in the band or practice rooms. When not there, mostly for lunch hour, I hung with the misfits. Being a small school, there was the pot-head, the 2 pregnant girls, the confederate-flag-flier, the pick-pocket, and about 4 of us that just didn’t fit with anyone else. They were my friends for all of the rest of highschool. I was never invited to parties, picnics, or any other gatherings. If I wasn’t playing in a band function or in class, I wasn’t around other kids. I didn’t even get to date, and when I was old enough to go to prom, I went as a 3rd wheel with the 2 friends from the misfit group that were dating. I was always the odd one out.
College wasn’t any better, transferring schools twice due to financial dilemmas. My roommates freshman year were mostly good people, but one of the 3 had a horrible personality clash with the rest of us. We battled it all year and after I transferred home to community college, I never heard from any of them again. I didn’t go to parties, and only dated one other person before meeting Nathan. Having been set up with that person I gave it a fair chance, 3 dates, and I was horribly unimpressed by our mismatch and gave up.
Nathan was the first person to invite me to anything. He was the first person to genuinely care how my days had gone and what I was up to. He invited me to social functions and gatherings, introduced me to his wife and girlfriend and all of his friends. He met my friends from high school, which at that point were renting space in my mobile home. He even knew some of the people from my highschool from having had met them in other venues. It was nice. We meshed well and he was genuinely interested in me, who I was and what I was about and who I hung out with (even if it was infrequent).
Fast forward to KC. When we got here we landed with people we thought were decent friends. The helped us get here but very quickly got frustrated when our job search didn’t pan out as well as hoped. Finally, one of them got us in with less than spectacular jobs at the school bus, and we were given a short deadline to get our own place.
7 months later Nathan had his hospital journey and I did my best to reach out for help to everyone we knew. Nothing.
By that point my highschool, and our few college friends, were scattered to the winds (and still are). So I really wasn’t surprised they couldn’t help; but I had hoped even some of the newer KC friends would at least give some helpful tips/resources, send some get well cards, or pay a visit. None of them did anything. It was very very frustrating.
On one hand, the sink or swim situation made me stronger and even more capable. On the other hand fumbling through medical and welfare systems and trying to avoid homelessness alone was really shitty. I would have given anything to just have someone to talk it over with.
Later we we met a couple that moved in next door. We got along really well, and we are still friends, but their friendship has mostly manifested in facebook posts and the occasional online invite to a party or gathering. It’s just not the deep friendship I crave.
I also have noted that I seem to screw up the few good friendships I did manage to create.
This very blog started 5 years ago when one friend in our homeschool group gave us an extra trailer on her property to live in. It needed a lot of work and she said that when she gave it to us. I thought I could handle it and started the rehab. 2 years into the struggle I gave up and we moved back to the city, unfortunately never getting that trailer to real usability. It seems to have ended the friendship as she doesn’t really talk to us anymore. It makes me sad, because I really did try. I wanted to make it work in a very significant way, I just couldn’t handle everything that the trailer needed to be a safe home, on top of life itself, and it exhausted me in many ways just trying.
Then the friendship that helped us get back into the city ended in chaotic blame. There was a problem, we may or may not have actually caused. It was something that could have started any number of ways, but we took all of the blame. Every last bit, and there was a torturous splitting of ways that still leaves me hurt. There are so many elements of that relationship that I had hope for, but there were people involved of poor character and I couldn’t tolerate the abusive nature of the one person. It was too much like my father and having overcome that, I was not kind in responses to their behavior. I feel like the blame that was placed on us was unfairly extreme, especially knowing that it could have been caused by other factors, and I had gone out of my way in so many other ways. I had literally spent thousands on supplies, groceries, utilities, and work I had done to make it functional for us all. Yet, not a single ounce of my efforts was acknowledged, only the assumption that I or my family was to blame for the problem. AND Abraham does say often that everything in your experience is your own fault, so whether I directly caused it or not, it was at least energetically attracted, thus my fault I suppose.
There have been other friendships that ended when I quit putting forth the effort, feeling like they were one-sided, and I guess I was right because the moment I quit trying they ceased.
So for the last 2 years we have had no significant interactions. Only the pair that used to be neighbors, and we’ve attended a half dozen of their gatherings.
I told the current office friend:
“BTW: funny, not funny, you have to live. You’re my only actual friend right now. You’re the only person beyond Nathan that has conversations with me outside of my table. … Thank you for caring.”
She replied with friendships aren’t easy and it takes work. I told her I do my best, but it never seems to be good enough. We talked about several other things and she told me it will get better. I hope she is right.
I’m not saying this to be Debbie-Downer or sound whiney. I’m genuinely curious.
On one hand I wonder if I should have let the depression win when I was younger and there wasn’t anyone beyond parents and siblings to care I died. If I had killed myself before Nathan, then it would have been the least impact. As is it, if I ended my futility game, it seems like it would now be a burden to my loving husband and children. That keeps me trying to reach for better.
However, I have reached a place where I’m just tired. Maybe its a little of everything all trying to burry me. Maybe I’m just rehashing old negative patterns. Maybe it’s letting too many other people’s energy or thoughts into my awareness. Regardless, I’m tired of trying to do all the work, tired of always having to improve myself, tired of fighting for better when it doesn’t really seem to matter. I am ready to just give into the loner mentality. Accept that aloof independence like a cat, as after all I have always tended to identify with cats. One doesn’t have to have anyone in their life, existence can be done alone or together, and maybe I am supposed to experience this life from the loner perspective. If that is the case “Resistance is Futile”.
Then again maybe life really doesn’t matter, any way you look at it. Maybe it is a construct created by others to persuade you to keep torturing yourself. If that is the case, there aren’t even very many others in my life to matter. The handful that would care hardly seem worth the struggle, only Nathan carries the pang of regret in that statement.
My life matters to less than a dozen people, and 4 of those would be merely inconvenienced by my not showing up to work. The rest are all family, either biological or via Nathan.
Abraham says that life shouldn’t be effort. That we can find ourselves and our inner being, and thus find happiness without effort. If we do that we will have all of the good things, and supposedly in a fairly consistent flow.
Yet, I find those moments of release and still mind, through effort. The ways that work best for me are mantras, guided meditation, yoga, or doing artwork. All of those require some effort on my part. The extra kicker is that it doesn’t last. The moment I stop doing one of those activities, my brain seems hell-bent on either just hamster-wheeling or heading back to negative. So my meditation feeling wears off fairly quickly.
Very few days, do I manage to stay buoyant, and those days are the ones I manage to keep the hamster on the positive thoughts. It’s not as rare as it used to be, but for as much effort as I have put into it, it doesn’t manifest as frequently as I would like either.
So then pile on top of this, the knowing that I don’t really have any friends, and especially none that can help me pull up, I wonder why I’m here.
Sometimes, I would just like someone to talk to and work through things. Because I struggle to do it on my own, I keep hoping that there would be someone to help. Someone that cared as much as Nathan and maybe was a bit better at helping. Nathan tries, but he either plays whipping boy or tries to over compensate and becomes obnoxiously bubbly happy. Neither really works for me, and I always feel horrible about having hurt him when he turns into whipping boy, even if it is all just verbal. I need the middle road to work out of a hole and reach for better, and in my adult life, that middle road has been found through herbs and mirror work all by my lonesome.
I give my heart to people and genuinely care about them. Will it ever matter?
So yes, my quandary from above:
What does one do when they have done their best to do that, for many years, and have very little to show for it? Specifically in relation to relationships.
I’m doing the work to improve myself, have been for years. I care about others, maybe too much. However, it is not in their opinion of me so much, as I do mostly what I want- I don’t shave, I wear what I want and don’t wear makeup, I work when and how I want, I do jobs that I want, and when I have a chance for recreation or hobbies I do mostly what I want. No, I care as in they are human beings I would like to know, I care that they are getting by okay, I offer assistance when I can, and I am always willing to make time for people I would like to know.
When do I find my reciprocation that makes it all worth it. When do the relationships I desire manifest? When do I align with others that are also doing their best to improve themselves and can honor and respect me for my efforts. I do want those significant others, but I would also love to have genuine solid strong friendships. When will there be people that care about me as a human, as much as I do them?
It’s not whine fest, just an acknowledgement of my law of attraction process and another topic that isn’t manifesting as noticeably as I thought it would have by now. Clarification from Abraham or Shiva is welcome.
May you have your clarifying moments to provide greater understanding. May you find that you have ample friendships and/or significant others. May you feel loved and supported by both humans and God. May you find your inner being in easy least effort ways, and manage to maintain that feeling mostly. May your hamster-wheeling cooperate with you. May you find that you have just the right people in your life when you need a certain kind of pick-me-up. May you have all of the support and guidance you need. May your loneliness always be replaced with a sense of feeling the divine. May you understand all of your challenges. May you know the angels are watching over you, and it is okay to live life upside down, that you will still have everything you want and desire eventually.
Siva Hir Su
Lyrics
Angels watching over me
With smiles upon their face
'Cause I have made it through this far
In an unforgiving place
It feels sometimes this hill's too steep
For a girl like me to climb
But I must knock those thoughts right down
I'll do it in my own time
I don't care (care, care)
I'm halfway there (go there)
On a road that leads me straight to who knows where
I'll tell you what (I'll tell you what)
What I have found (what I have found)
That I'm no fool (that I'm no fool)
I'm just upside down (just upside down)
Ain't got no cares (ain't got no cares)
I ain't got no rules (ain't got no rules)
I think I like (I think I like)
Living upside down (living upside down)
Watching people scurry by
Rushing to and fro
Oh, this world is such a crazy place
It's all about the go, go, go
Sometimes life can taste so sweet
When you slow it down
You start to see the world a little differently
When you turn it upside down
I don't care (care, care)
I'm halfway there (no way)
And I'm just soaking up magic in the air
I'll tell you what (I'll tell you what)
What I have found (what I have found)
That I'm no fool (that I'm no fool)
I'm just upside down (just upside down)
Ain't got no cares (ain't got no cares)
I ain't got no rules (ain't got no rules)
I think I like (I think I like)
Living upside down (living upside down)
You got to slow it down (yeah, yeah, yeah)
And then you pick it up (woa, yey, yo)
Come on and try a little topsy-turvy back
To front the right way round
Take it slow, slow, slow (you gotta pick it up)
Yeah, yeah, yeah (let me see you slow it down)
Hey, yo, yo (tell me something, something)
I'll tell you what (I'll tell you what)
What I have found (what I have found)
That I'm no fool (that I'm no fool)
I'm just upside down (just upside down)
Ain't got no cares (ain't got no cares)
I ain't got no rules (ain't got no rules)
I think I like (I think I like)
Living upside down (living upside down)
I'll tell you what (I'll tell you what)
What I have found (what I have found)
That I'm no fool (that I'm no fool)
I'm just upside down (just upside down)
Ain't got no cares (ain't got no cares)
I ain't got no rules (ain't got no rules)
I think I like (I think I like)
Living upside down (living upside down)
Source: LyricFind
