All posts by tcailleach

About tcailleach

I'm a massage therapist working with the elderly; musician, artist, mom, LGBTQ, & polyamorous professional.

Getting there

I still haven’t finished the good post I wanted to. It’s on my to do list for tomorrow. I want it just right before I publish it because it’s a meditation I do, and I want to make sure it’s easy to follow but conveys all the elements I run through.

Anyway, as far as getting there, it applies to my re-evaluation of my life.

I just wanted to note I’m in a really good work situation, and super appreciative of all the accolades I receive from clients and co-workers. It definitely helps me keep going when my emotions get the better of me, and reinforces something that Nathan tells me regularly “I’m a spectacular massage therapist”. I’m also very appreciative that it always seems to align with my physical needs. Katherine hasn’t been sleeping well for a couple of weeks, so I’ve been droopy and I have been getting enough down time to compensate. Very grateful.

I’m loving my new home, even if has kept me in constant motion for over a month. It’s beautiful and just spacious enough I feel the improvement every time we get another element unpacked and situated. Plus the good weather day I spent most of outside with kids and doglett doing things in the back yard. It was good and very spirit lifting.

There are only 2 things I would change.

1) I really miss having a van and a second vehicle. That is on the short list to fix.

2) My relationships need work- obviously, I think it has made me a little crazy of late. And I mean all of them. With myself. With my husband. With letting go of my birth family and other past hopefuls. With genuinely opening the door to truthful newcomers. I have started with myself and put Nathan a close second. That has been eating all my extra time this week. I am very focused on letting go of connections, cutting cords, and clearing attachments and their emotions. I haven’t cleared the process and it’s very heavy and taxing, but I’m going to keep chipping away at it

So if you’re reading this, send me some love. I’m working on slowly getting to a more unconditional place and releasing hopes and expectations of others. It’s hard and that is more compounded when I only have my husband to turn to for emotional support. It just is, not impossible, just difficult.

May you all have release and improvement. May you understand relationships fully and be able to release any that no longer serve you. May you find forgiveness and an ability to function even when processing heavy emotions. May you find patience with other when they are doing the same. May we all find more unconditional love and acceptance for others in our experience.

Siva Hir Su


I’m a little behind on things I want to write, as I started a good positive post 2 days ago that I’ve yet to finish. I just wanted to take a short moment to write a little reminder.

So my reminder is mostly for myself and anyone that might be new to reading my blog.

I do my level best to write about my life in all it’s myriad aspects from a genuine place. I write to understand, to process, to help clear out unhelpful thoughts and create helpful thoughts. I write about things on my mind, but also about things in my experience. Sometimes I write to attempt to connect dots between my experience and things I perceive in the unseen world. I try to figure out what God might be telling me about my experience.

I am human, I’m not always positive, I’m not always correct, but I’m always doing my best. I have written lately of my perspective of things where I don’t have answers, some things where I’m completely in the dark, knowing lies, but not what the truth really is. I write of hopes and dreams, desires and feeling lack of all of them.

My goal for the near future is to completely let go of the confusion, the misunderstood elements, and focus on the here and now which is more easily experienced and understood. I don’t know how successful I’ll be, but everything is practice that inches you forward toward better.

Regardless of my topic of choice, I always end with 2 elements. I try to end on the positive outcome of the lesson, and give a blessing that my reader find similar positive endings to their challenges in life. I do this because it feels right and also because I grew up being told Irish blessings quite often. It’s my well wishing for everyone.

May you find a way to communicate yourself in an as genuine and honest way as possible. May you be able to reach for the positive outcome of any lesson. May you feel God and understand divine messages. May you feel supported and loved. May we all focus on the now and let go of things we can’t fix. Reach for satisfied contentment and happiness will eventually come.

Siva Hir Su

I’m satisfied, I didn’t need to win.

Sometimes in life, by all measurable standards it can seem like you might have lost, that another might have won.

Yet sometimes what really counts in the winning or losing isn’t always something that can be seen. And likely there was never supposed to be one winner.

Women do this all the time when they think they’ve won a man because he had an affair, or elicit interactions, but came home. It’s not really a win because his heart is not in the home. It is also a loss because the dominant paradigm often leaves men feeling trapped, which is really the trigger for escapism in the first place. If anyone feels trapped their instinct is to keep running, keep trying to get away. This is amplified even more when those women put their men on a leash or manipulate them to attempt to secure their false win. Nearly always when a man is that level of trapped, they will find a way out as a permanent solution. So the woman’s belief in her false win and manipulating, ultimately is the nail in the coffin of her wedding vows.

I’m using gender in a specific way here because it is the most common example of this scenario. However, regardless of gender, if they feel trapped in a relationship, they will never be happy. People getting trapped in any way never feel happy. Whole wars have been fought over freedom versus bondage.

I personally feel that part of our paradigm shift that is already happening is to trigger humanity to learn how to allow each other true freedom without sacrificing anything for the self.

I know I’m learning that lesson well, having given my heart to so many people that have left my life. I suspect at least 2 or 3 of them will eventually find their way back to me, and that’s where I know I won. I gave my heart and truly let them go, and I know that they love me more for it. I also relish in the solace of deep knowing that they love me.

Polyamory is merely one label, one option, for exploring this new paradigm. There are many that people are using to find answers to meeting their own needs. Regardless of their option that is tried, it is the freedom to try that counts.

I know from first hand experience that when someone gets it in their mind that they have no options, no freedom, or their purpose has played out, that they allow their body to succumb to disease. I watched my husband’s ex slowly die from cancer and she ate perfectly, had family doting over her, all the marijuana necessary, along with all of Western medicine’s finest options. Yet her anger over things not going as she thought they should, combined with feeling like she’d done her job and now had no purpose, was enough to literally eat her alive. There is a very real mind body connection she never even tried to master.

I suspect that at least 2 of my 6 I wrote about in my last post might meet this fate. They have chosen a path of most resistance and most restrictions. They have chosen victimhood, manipulation, anger, hate and self-deprecation. They have taken their own freedom away trying to force themselves into paradigms that just don’t work for very many people ever, but especially don’t work for them. I hope I’m wrong, but having seen it happen several times over I have an idea of probability. They are more likely to find a disease outcome than heal their mental patterns and reach for an alternate solution.

I honestly hope that we all find solutions for this paradigm shift to meet our need for freedom and allow ourselves to continue to live happy lives, especially since our children are watching us and learning from what we do.

Respect other’s needs, wants, and desires, and live your life for yourself, let’s all allow each other and ourselves freedom and work on healing ourselves to keep up with the paradigm shift.

May you have the solutions you seek. May you find your own personal freedom and leave others out of it. May you take responsibility for your own self, and heal your mind. May you respect other’s needs and desires and allow them their own freedoms, their own path. May you know you won because you found genuine love and allowed other humans to live their own lives in peace. May you consider others needs before making demands of them, or better yet ask others their needs before asking them politely for anything you would like. May we all have the freedom we seek and allow God to help us find our own fulfillment. May we all be winners in love.

Siva Hir Su

Loved, loving, lovable

Nathan helped me after work yesterday. We pulled cards and he helped me figure out the meaning, the story the cards told, what the hell I was feeling and experiencing.

There were 7 people, I was the center one, the other 6 were the people I had been feeling in my body all day, and as we talked over the cards I could feel which person was what spot in my body. At the end of the reading I realized that it was my birth family recreated, that each role I could relate to parents or siblings in childhood, but also to the current and recent past. It seems to this day, I love them all and just wish they got along because I love them.

My intuitive flash was that I just need to focus on the positive elements of each of the 6 roles. That they keep re-manifesting because I need to focus and put all the positives together. Yet at the same time understanding their roles in the first place to let them off the hook. They are not responsible for my happiness. I can love them without needing them to keep reappearing in my life. They only need be in my life if they want to be.

1) There’s the mature man with finances to spare, but emotions are upside down because his world was turned upside down. I still love him and hope he sees that. He was kind and soft spoken. He was commanding not because of force or volume, but because everyone knew when he spoke he had something important to contribute. He was strong and lean and healthy and easy going. He was gentle but passionate. He gave excellent back rubs and was one of the best computer programmers I knew. He had adorable wavy hair I always wanted to play with, and cute glasses. He was focused and driven with regards to his work. He was generous and loving and a good friend to everyone around him. He was super smart but also down to earth and could talk to anyone. He will always have my heart, no matter what.

2) There’s the shooting for the stars man. More mature than anyone gives credit, but because he’s shooting for the stars might be a bit overconfident in his own abilities, it makes for good learning lessons. He has stable finances, but grand ideas on how to manage them, which occasionally comes off as a bit ungrounded, but to me that’s endearing/cute. He’s also strong and passionate, and can be gentle when he wants. He’s a gentlemen when he focuses and is mindful of his touch and affect on people. He senses energy like me and wants to do the right thing, but doesn’t know how to respond when the energy is more intense than expected (I also think he’s figuring it out as he goes- just like me). He knows how to have fun and is kind to everyone. He is far more open and accepting than anyone will ever give him credit and I suspect he feels pigeonholed. He wants to be accepted for who he is as much as I do, and also has big dreams of helping people in grand ways. He’s handsome to me, especially in moments of kindness, and I appreciate that he wants to have his act together, not just look like it. I also appreciate that he has goals of fighting the good fight and being faithful in every sense of the word. He is very capable and optimistic and carefully contemplates consequences before taking action. He trusts his gut and follows his instincts well. He’s often intense, but a very deep thinker that no one notices. He’s good at whatever he desires to put his efforts into. I will love him whether he ever loves me or not. He is a good person at heart.

3) There’s the woman I’ll call my angel with broken wings. She parallels my mom, and I’ve already had this role refilled a couple of times. Overlooking victim mentality, she’s beautiful and kind. She is flexible and able to go with the flow. She’s often more solution oriented because of the problems she has faced. She is usually strong and always wants to be loved, just has a hard time seeing/receiving it. She’s a wonderful mom and intent on helping others avoid traumas she faced. She brings out the helper and healer in me. She wants everyone to feel good and feel loved. She’s a great cook and very organized. She wants to put people at ease and save them from hurts. She wants to help make the world a more beautiful place. She is sincere and good at making you feel like the center of the universe when she focuses. She’ll literally pick you up when you fall, even if it hurts herself in the process. She deserves someone that can get through her defences and give her the same in return. She’ll have my heart forever even though she never noticed she got it in the first place.

4) Mr honesty (Nathan and one of my brothers). So honest that he can’t even slant the story to make it sound better. Yet very loving and strong. He wants to be there for you as much as possible but knows his own limitations and downfalls. He is easily distracted by all that glitters as gold, but has a keen sense of what is genuine and worth keeping. His heart is true and faithful. He is more likely to let his health suffer than to avoid work or being there for his chosen family. Once he’s committed he’s all in, and for the duration of his life. He is very creative and able to solve many problems, and confident in those few things that he has taken great care to master. He is a kind and patient father and good husband. A little patience goes a long ways for seeing things through with him. He has my heart and knows it, but because he knows it, he is confident in allowing me to be me in whatever way that means, and is ready to give me a hug if I fall and hurt myself.

5) Intensely connected. He is real, and I’ve heard his voice, he’s not dead. We share the same energy stream so intensely that emotions ping pong off each other. Every emotion flows so easily through the ethers that I feel like I know him a thousand ways, and a thousand lifetimes over. He’s curious and passionate, a hard worker and with highly admirable lofty dreams of helping whole families. He’s intelligent and multilingual. He’s an engineer like my dad and one brother. He’s a dreamer like me but a bit more practical in application. Adorable, charming, open and accepting. He wants everyone to be happy and get along, and like me wants everyone to feel the loving connection. He’s willing to work on himself and keep improving. He won my heart years ago, and knows it, but doesn’t know why. I would love to explore why, but know I will find my happiness even if that doesn’t happen.

6) Known unknown, this slot is representative of my younger sibling and also the person whom is connected to Mr Intensely Connected (as felt during the reading-left side of my heart), the cards that came out could also apply to a couple of other people I’ve known. I feel them and care deeply, but there is a lot I don’t know about them.  I know by virtue of being in my bubble (my little brother being family) they are innately a good person. You don’t get years of association with good people, being raised by good people, and turn out to be that nasty. Yet, I’ve not had the luxury to fully see the way life has moulded their being into strengths and weaknesses. I get a sense that they lean toward scientific minded and chalk many things up to chance. I know my brother is honest and genuine and doing his best to leave a positive mark on this world also, so I like to think the others are similar. Honorable and relatively easy going, but compassionate even when not necessarily on the path of least resistance. The kind of person in search of their truths and able to examine things more objectively than most.

Those were the 6 people of the reading, the types that I keep re-attracting, and feeling in my body. It made sense to me. Why I was feeling them for nearly 2 days straight I’m not sure. All I know is I was being told to only focus on their good traits and let them off the hook.

So if you know you’re one of those people and you read my blog to keep up with me, I release you. I let you go. You’re not responsible for my well-being or my happiness. I only want you in my life if you want to be, but especially enough wanting to ease into finding a way to coexist with anyone else in my experience. I know I can’t make people get along, and I know that others are not responsible for my happiness. I’m willing to allow others to come and go as they need and I’m willing for others to display their affection or lack thereof in whatever ways they see fit. I am willing to let God take over the connections and help me to have my best life. I am willing to give love unconditionally because that is what God wants of me. I am willing to let go and let God.

I have experienced a knowing this week, through the help of changing energies and my finger tips. A knowing so deep that words fail, but which will last in my memory until my dieing day. A knowing simply of letting go of control can actually help things work better. It started with feeling the others, with feeling clients, continued with telling cells they can take the day off and relax, with visualizing warm sun on skin to enable relaxation, and ended with a long awaited phone call. I like this new knowing and I’m very grateful for the understanding.

May you all find a way to let go and let God. May you give your cells, your whole body, a break- let them release each other and feel sensations of things they miss. May you feel unconditional love and a knowing of your connection to God. May you understand why you keep repeating elements of your life. May you find a way to give control back to the divine. May you see all of the benefits of that in your life. May you feel blessed and divinely guided.

Siva Hir Su

ESP confusion

I’m feeling anxiety. I’m feeling extreme heaviness. I’m feeling ALL of the energetic connections that I have ever felt the last few years: left and right of heart center, solar plexius, back of my right shoulder, stomach, even lesser transient spots. They are all active at once, in a comes and goes sort of way.

Every time I meditate I experience some relief, but it’s followed by extreme fatigue. At one point meditation actually felt like it made matters worse, and my heart started racing and I felt panicky.

I’ve oscillated between feeling like I’m having thyroid rushes and knowing I’m getting psychic input.

If it were thyroid spikes they would be more consistent and less swingy. My thyroid has spiked in the past and it has always been a gradual peak from over-medication and then gradually leveling out when dose was reduced. Plus, the anxiety was always accompanied by heat rash and hot flashes. This is not, and I’m not taking any meds for my thyroid right now, and I’ve been good to stay away from food allergies for over a week now.

The other thing that tells me it’s input from others is that my body keeps going into self-protection. The last wave being so intense that my traps seized up and gave me an instant headache. I told Nathan I felt like my head was going to explode. He was driving me from the clinic to one of my elderly home visits and asked what to do. I just told him to help me get my day over with.

Yet there have been moments where I felt the touches and sensations of caresses and kisses like I used to get with SJ. Some of those moments feel wonderful. One of the meditations I did actually helped every muscle in my body relax and bones popped back into place. But that came with visualizations of one of the someones that has rejected me, so that confused matters even more for me. Especially when I very clearly heard “I’m coming for you.” Not in a sinister way, but as like the Knight coming to rescue me.

I want to understand, but feel like I’m more confused than ever. When I am not in the midst of one of these moments I’m cold almost to shivers like an extreme thyroid fall-off. It’s like whatever is happening is literally draining all of my energy for normal functioning. I’ve literally fallen asleep every time I sit still for more than 10 min.

Trying to be patient and wait for clarity. Still hiding and not talking to anyone unless necessary or benign.

May you understand your gifts and interpret input easily. May you feel loved, accepted, and supported. May you know the messages you feel. May God help you through confusion and trying times.

Siva Hir Su

So I lied… The truth.

There’s always an upswing for me now, and the refractory period has shortened significantly, in fact this one kinda surprised me. When that happens, I find my desire to write again. I move from writing to clear thoughts, to brief decompression, to loving to write for progress and forward momentum.

The truth is:

  • I want to desire only that which is good for me.
  • I want to love myself first.
  • I will always cycle around to putting my self first, even if it takes some time.
  • I am seeing where other’s stupidity slows me down. I may give of myself easily and love others completely, but I’m seeing how I keep letting myself get hurt because of that. Enough is enough, if they don’t reciprocate I’ll love them from afar and they can come grovel when they find their senses.
  • I am seeing where no one will ever value me as much as I value myself, especially in business.
  • I am learning that if I really value myself, I must put my goals, hopes and dreams first, and focus enough that I remind myself that some of my desires are not good for me.
  • I care about doing things I love and rewarding myself appropriately… Mmm maybe that is in the form of a good distraction, maybe one of the people I met at Sunday’s coffee hour can help with that.
  • I care about examining the myriad of ways something could fall on the spectrum of good or bad for me and taking action only after determining that it’s mostly good.

The message of today was VB. I saw it everywhere, and autocorrect even started putting it in my written text. I had Nathan look it up since I was working 2 different buildings. He came up with a stock option and visual basic.

I already am working with stocks as much as my budget allows which isn’t much, so the stock purchase will have to wait.

I’m not a computer programmer, and work far outside of IT, so I’m not certain I’ll jump into learning visual basic, but I did extrapolate that message into needing to take the next steps in developing the visual imagery of my program: Atira.

For me that translates into a few things.

  • Finish the floor plans for the dome.
  • Redo/update the map I made of Atira 12 years ago.
  • Start creating the images for my CEU courses, and obviously write the courses.
  • Start revamping my ages old marketing materials for Atira CEUs and other workshops, especially now that we’re close to having a functional space large enough for Reiki courses and workshops. (Being a graphic designer in addition to massage therapist definitely has its perks, I know how to design my own marketing materials and get them printed at the lowest costs!)
  • Begin handing out cards again and let my buildings know I’m almost ready to accept more contact work again. (Need to finish getting settled first.)

I am fortunate enough to be in a place where my integrity and reliability proceed me. My word of mouth reputation is invaluable in this city. I’m also very fortunate to be in a current contract set-up that is flexible enough to enable me to adjust schedules as needed. As each new contract appears I’ll slide them in where convient, and it’ll just reduce availability at the clinic I contract with, a minor inconvenience. Right now that’s no problem as I have plenty of days with ample downtime, so there’s plenty of time to spare. Depending on my alignment to the flow that could change slowly or quickly. If slowly they’ll have ample time to adjust with me. If quickly, I’ll just find a replacement for myself, though I guarantee a replacement won’t be as good. All the good therapists in this city are like me and happily self-employed, most working from home.

It’s not my intention, as like the activities job, I tend to give far more notice and assistance than they earn. So, I fully expect they’ll have plenty of time to adjust and make their own choices.

It seems God has me on a fast track. I’m okay with that and doing my level best to keep up.

“I’m ready, to be ready, to be ready.” – Abraham Hicks

May you find your realignment quickly. May you find yourself ready, to be ready, to be ready. May you see opportunities where once were hurts. May you see your fast track and keep up with it. May you find the way to your goals and dreams. May you have all the energy, knowing, and confidence to allow yourself your own success.

Many blessings, and be well. We’re all in this thing called life together, and even in moments of doubt I know God is rooting for us to ‘fight the good fight’ and pull through.

Siva Hir Su

Minimal. …. Plausible deniability.

I just had 2 thoughts that I missed in the cogs yesterday and needed to get out of my head.

First, Nathan filled me in that LGBT forces in Scotland kicked out Chick-fil-A, and they have a Bisexual minister of state. I’m so grateful to hear news of progress in our world and acceptance, but especially that organizations that encourage non-acceptance are falling. I look forward to those days here in the US.

2nd: Plausible deniability. I’m so over men getting to pull that card, is part of the reason we have battles like Chick-fil-A. Trump and the conveniently deceased Epstein are just part of the latest round of infamous ass-hats to have used that terminology. Yes, I do say men use it, because for every famous/infamous woman that has said it, there’s been at least 20 men. It usually follows true in regular life as well. It’s because in every situation that a woman could pull that card, they usually choose silence or admit their reasoning for whatever action was taken. And I get it – why women don’t sue men more often over their plausible deniability. Even when the woman has grounds to sue, they have feelings. Those feelings tell them, I wanted X/Y/Z, or I was hopeful of such things in return. They acknowledge that even if the scales are unbalanced and in favor of the man, manipulation by the man still occurred, but that on some level there is some responsibility they as women have to own. Even if it’s merely having had the low vibration which attracts predatory behavior.

Yet the protections favor the person that maintained their plausible deniability- mostly men, those unfeeling bastards. Women have to fight so much harder for acknowledgment when men use their positions to take advantage of women’s feelings. Most of us women just don’t have that fight in us by the time it gets to that point. I have been having trouble just getting through life in general I wouldn’t have any fight left if I was put in a position like that, if it ever happened to me the man would just quietly win and I’d be the woman that went into hiding for no one knows why. Fortunately, I’m just the supportive role for others in that boat.

I hope it never does happen to me, but it’s my responsibility to keep working on myself and raise my vibration and master interpretation of ESP input to help avoid such situations. That’s why I rarely comment on politics and such, I do my best to keep these negatives out of my bubble. But after hearing of those two things, combined with my week, they got caught in the cogs. This is my means of elimination, so now I’ll be able to move on from those thoughts.

May you have easy elimination of negatives in your experience. May you always feel safe and properly reciprocated. May you know for certain your interpretations are accurate. May you feel open acceptance and see non-acceptance crumble. May you see a world where everyone owns their own actions and acts appropriately, expressing emotions honestly and freely. May you only ever have to be support for others in crisis, always maintaining an easy go for yourself.

Siva Hir Su

As for me I thought I was… Several times over in fact.:

Apologies on the poetic tangents.

It’s been a weird week. I’m chalking it up to moving exhaustion (I’ve been working or moving belongings every day for 24 days straight), combined with injury healing process, combined with winter weather blues. My intuition is definitely off and causing problems for me, or at least the chain of events the last few days is implying.

I’m hoping others will find forgiveness if I go into hiding long enough. I mean no harm and when this stuff happens I definitely feel like I’m crazy which makes fighting the blues that much harder. I don’t actually believe I’m crazy. I’m very sensitive to things which can affect my brain function, and I’m sensitive to the unseen world but my ESP didn’t come with an owners manual and I can get things wrong, sometimes very wrong. I also tend to allow things in when they feel good and then can’t kick them out when that changes. I don’t know how to fix that.

This may be the entirety of my blogging for a while, I’m going to keep my words and thoughts to myself for a bit. I usually don’t talk much anyways, only conversing when necessitated and usually on benign topics. I use far more words when writing.

Eventually I’ll come out of hiding when it’s safe again. I’ll work myself back up and reach for better.

Humans are not a game

There are hearts

Emotions and desires

Hopes and dreams

All lead to hurts when things go wrong

Is God just toying with humans

Like cards on a table

Stories can be told by simply putting them in a certain order

That’s how tarot works

A unicorn lost its shield

The Queen of Hearts is exiled

Her King never retrieves her

Nor any Queen or King for that matter

Cards are no fun when played alone

Solitaire is just a quiet process

It either works out or doesn’t

But always being the loser is no fun either

Playing the game with others is only fun if you win sometimes

God would know that, right?

The Creator would want everyone to win sometimes right?

Is that sense of God just faulty wiring in our brains?