Category Archives: Crazy in Action

Catching Up: 2

Anything can be comical.

It’s all in how you see it.

I felt I need to use my bought of suicidal depression this week as fodder to find humor and also some self-appreciation. It was an inspired ‘for instance’ moment:

You can view my suicidal depression from the standpoint of that really sucks. That I’ve lived with cronic severe depression since I was 12, and didn’t fully grasp how to climb out quickly for years. It ravaged my life on so many levels it’s hard to even put words to. I lost days, weeks and entire swaths of years to crippling depression; and knowing now that it had a medical cause based on layers of organ malfunction and chronic viral disease, it can be maddening to think about how my life might have gone if it had been properly diagnosed and fully treated starting when I was 12. It still is maddening, knowing that so much damage was done, that it takes extra special levels of self-care and uncovered alternative treatments to attempt to solve it now. Something that I struggle to accomplish being a responsible member of society.

BUT

Then I think about how many times I’ve seriously weighed pros and cons of tool options for suicidal execution, and thus how likely I might be successful…. Is there a Guinness record for that? I think I’ve won it! Perhaps if there’s not, I should petition them to make it a category. Except who actually keeps track of that shit?! Don’t you have to prove quantities? Well I guess that’s out of the question. … However, I’ve also oogled pretty flowers and funny cat videos probably just as many times. Somehow that scale keeps balancing! I wonder what the actual ratio of depression-thoughts to YouTube-distraction and nature is? Hmmm…. Visualizing scales of justice… Dark cloud on one side and fluffy things on the other. That’s a lot of fluff!

And oh it gets better:


Just think how many times I’ve actually gotten really close to said execution. On one hand, holy shit! It seriously takes a while to count/remember them all! On the other hand, I’ve now proven you can go back and forth across that line many times and still be standing. I have danced with death and walked away from it. I bent, kissed his hand and said adiu, maybe another day, there are other dances I still want to experience. I’ve proven it can be done, not just once, but several times. This last one was more like and old man’s shaky punch to the face, but I got my point across! Hoorah! KMA!

Or then consider: I’ve danced with death so much that I can just see the darkness coming a mile away now. I can half predict the collective’s trajectoiry because of it. It makes for really interesting rants in my effort to wake people up in time. I know I’m not catching very many in the grand scheme, but perhaps my drop will matter, will become the ripple. Especially with Med/Vax fails probably being signs of the industries’ impending doom. Wonder what all those doctors will do when no one trusts their profession anymore, least not enough to pay a living wage. That’s Dr. Fry Boy to you. One Covid-gone-worse is all it’ll take for western medicine to crumble completely, especially if it happens anytime soon while this burn is still stinging. I’m not putting my eggs in that basket any more than absolutely necessary, they hold keys to my tools, and if I can eliminate the need for those keys, I’d be doing even better. It’s like a string of lemmings heading for the cliff, you know what’s coming and don’t know whether to laugh hysterically or cry over the fail. (To clarify I’m specifically referencing the big institutions and 3 big pharma that have screwed the pooch repeatedly during Covid. Though all those small docs that just row the line when it doesn’t make sense might as well be included, especially when they fall to do their own jobs properly.) BTW, if you haven’t watched “Grizzly & the Lemmings” available on netflix, or played the CD-Rom “Lemmings” game from the 90’s, then you should you get this humor better.

My point is, I have done what many have failed, not just once, but many times. I have courted death and walked away capable of being a responsible citizen. When I was 12 I never found the positives, I just managed to not die. Now that I’m an adult, it’s almost like world’s craziest roller-coaster… “Hi death, you wanna ride with me? No, okay, see you in a bit. … AHHHHHHHHH! 🙃 Weeeee! 😆 Yea! ðŸĪŠ Awe, the ride is over 😕…. wait a minute, if I go again I can avoid Death longer. Ride-tender, can I just stay on indefinitely?! No okay, at least one more and I can dodge him later. ðŸĨī”

I’m actually getting quite good at it. I’m not out of the hole completely, but considering that Sunday evening I was contemplating taking Nathan’s heart meds to not wake up in the morning, I’m doing quite spectacular in comparison. The only thing slowing me down at this point is that my biological processes need recuperation time. I’m definitely up enough to consider it another win, and finding the humor side of all of it does help significantly.

May you find the humor as relief for the worst moments of life. May you see the benefit of all of it. May you know you are capable and strong. May you find ways to laugh at your failures, and acknowledge your strength is in getting back up and trying again. May you understand that those moments are the evidence that you are doing it. There is no try, only do. May you see that everything teaches us valuable lessons to share with others so that they might escape the extreme difficulties. May you know you are loved and supported in all that you do.

Om Shanti

Patience

I’m again squeezing this post in between more important things, so hopefully I’ll be clear and concise.

I haven’t been writing for multiple reasons. Nathan’s journey, tax season, other stressers, and my general overwhlement with all of it. But I need to, my brain needs some emptying.

We have had our cannabis cards for about a week now, and our hammocks almost the same, but weather has not been nice enough to enjoy both. Plus, it seems I am still my responsible self and working and behaving, instead of taking time off. Essentially, I’ve been taking high doses of CBD/CBG during the day (90+mg heavy on the CBD and light on CbG by virtue of what I have access to right now) and enjoying the full herbal potential in the evenings. It has created an interesting dichotomy.

On one hand, I’m generally feeling better and inflammation is down some. I’m managing to retain sanity enough to manage the stresses and function at work as employers would prefer.

On the other hand, I am experiencing an intense detox probably from virus laden cells dieing off, which ultimately is a really good sign. Mixed with that is a  mental, emotional and energetic mess. The mental and emotional I have partly chalked up to the detox, as they are common symptoms of detox.

Yet, there are moments that I just know it’s more than that. The stuff that I have experienced the past week has been akin to stories of peyote journies, and on some levels seems straight up bizarre. I wonder if I will ever get to the bottom of the negatives, bad karma, and heal myself.

Some of the moments in my recent experience have been clear to me, as not actually being mine, be it karmic dis-ease or otherwise. Part of me feels like, I and my whole family, are being directly impacted by my father’s experience.

At one point my 6 year old son asked us why didn’t we make apple fritters, and then told us he could show us how. It became a whole discussion of where did he hear that or learn about them, because with the health journey we are on, that simply wouldn’t make the cut for an appropriate food, so nether I nor my husband have even talked about or referenced them as a food item. Anya denied having talked about them, and Ian said he didn’t know and couldn’t remember. Yet I know my father would have said those words, and I wonder if in that moment he was telling someone that.

There have been several moments like that, but I honestly don’t know if it is my father in real time, or karmic dis-ease manifesting in our world. I am the center of my law of attraction universe, and I passed on a disease to my family which I caught as a child. That disease is clearly the result of generations of energetic dis-ease, not just in how it attacks the body and brain, but in the energy of it. It carries an air of massive detrimental “shoulda, coulda, woulda”, full of doubt and self-distrust. It has manifested in moments of negative impulsivity in my son, and familiar negative over-reactions from everyone. Moments of  “you’re stealing from us”, “you’re lieing to me”, “I don’t belong here”, etc, and over-reactions of a wide variety. You name it, it’s probably happened this week, and I have turned “if it feels bad, it’s not me” into a broken record and have even been telling my family to repeat it as well. Yet, that phrase and cannabis, and we’re still struggling to keep the vibration of our home, and our selves, up.

All those moments feel like 200 years of built up energetic junk and it left me wanting to scream at the universe to get it out of me. I want nothing to do with it anymore. I want permanently severed from this disease, I didn’t ask for it, my family didn’t ask for it, and we deserve for it to be healed fully and completely. I am doing everything in my power to aim at the desired healing, knowing that it is my responsibility to fix my familial karma. No other person in our family has even tried, I’m the only one willing to try, so it’s fallen me to fix it, or generation after generation will continue to be damaged by the ripple.

Last night after another such moment, I went to consume cannabis to correct the ripple in the force. I was so very over the negativity that I took an extra big dose to compensate.

After kids were in bed I proceeded to meditate. A phrase that had contributed to the poem in my previous post started repeating mentally. The phrase sounded like a woman speaking to a man saying “If you don’t let go now, ours is broken” full of anger. After hearing that phrase repeat mentally several times, my right wrist began to burn intensely. I simply couldn’t fully understand what to do with that in the moment.

This morning I had to pause. I know that as a child one of my wrists was fractured, tiny hairline and nothing was done. I was just left to heal on my own. Yet, I was always told it was a window falling on it when I was not quite 2. Now with that moment last night, I wonder if it was a repressed memory of abuse, but seeing as how I’ve made it 38 years thinking a window broke my wrist, I doubt I’ll ever know for sure. Also, it could be karmic junk. If that ripple was in reference to a generation or two before me, then I simply could have accidentally attracted a broken wrist for myself. This whole mess I’m slogging through seems to get more confusing and difficult every day, and I hope it’s just another example of the old adage “sometimes it gets worse before it gets better”. I’m crossing fingers that is the case and that I am close to making it over the difficult hump.

As for the mental moment with the burning wrist, today I apologized to myself:

  • For having gotten the broken wrist
  • For every thought and interaction, in both mine and other’s experiences, which led to that moment
  • For having experienced that difficult moment
  • For having been hurt emotionally
  • For now having any lingering effects of that trauma
  • For not knowing how to fully heal when I was a child
  • For not knowing how to heal fully to this day
  • For not being able to control any of it
  • For all the elements that I could think of, here and now, then, and even before then- the abuse that was perpetuated in that moment was started ages before
  • Etc, etc

Then I told myself things I know to help heal:

  • I’m a beautiful person
  • I never deserved any trauma, let alone a broken wrist and possibly repressed memories of even worse abuses
  • I never deserved the disease and neither do my children and husband
  • I am loving and caring and doing my best to squelch this dis-ease
  • I deserve help from God and so do my kids and husband
  • We all deserve to heal and be free of this karmic sludge
  • I deserve better, we all deserve better
  • Etc, etc

It is all in an effort to allow God to help heal, and to allow ease to replace disease. First acknowledge the problem, second reach for a solution, utilize tools to help, clean up the thoughts, and allow your body the space to complete the healing process.

So now today I am consuming all of my supplements and very little else wise. I’m taking as many moments as possible to sit with the quiet stillness of the healing process, which means that even though I needed to purge thoughts, I shorted myself downtime during the day. It may mean an early bedtime for me.

My father is in the hospital again, and I can’t bring myself to call. 1) I know he is in good hands. 2) I’m at my limit and cannot handle anything else, so my fear of fanning flames or causing more ripples for myself is strong. I know I have already said my piece to him, and have waited for his genuine apologies without expectation of ever getting the fullness of what I would like to hear. I have given up and given in, and begged and pleaded with the divine to permanently sever the energetic connection which I have with him. Ease and peace for me would be to permanently release him and all his family’s karma from my and my children’s/husband’s life now, and any lifetime hereafter. I have repeated many times over, you can’t call someone that is already dead. The disease must die and the easiest way I am aware of is to release everything related to it. I’m even willing to release myself if it means that my chosen family has a lifetime of healthy joyous living.

May you see your path to healing and navigate the side-effects easily. May you know you are getting there and actually doing it. May you have patience and love for yourself first. May you send love to the people and events that led to the current state of dis-ease. May you have all of the support that you need. Together may we all find ways to heal and eliminate karmic dis-ease for all of humanity. May you know that the divine loves and supports you fully and completely.

Om Shanti

Trying to be okay.

I put this song on leaving work today. It is my favorite rendition of the song because it is so epic and has the full orchestral backup. I forgot that I had Spotify on repeat for the playlist I was using for client sessions. Somehow several repeats in, my brain finally acknowledged I had heard it many times, but I didn’t bother to change it. It repeated the entire drive home. It did help me to let go some, and many many tears were shed.

I’m not really okay, but I am doing my best to be okay.

Sunday, my only day off, we went to the Zoo to forget about things for a little while. Katherine pulled the wagon while Ian, Anya and Nathan all rode the ski-lift “Skyfari”. She also tried to kiss and pet the wild kitties through the glass. When the other 3 rejoined us, there was a tussle over who would pull the wagon. Later, I squawked at a penguin after it honked at me, and confused it horribly. It craned it’s head around to look at me as if to say “How do you speak penguin?!” My kids rode the carousel, and we all walked a ton, I had almost 12,000 steps by the time we left the zoo. It was a beautiful day, albeit fairly windy. It was much needed reprieve. There are more pictures to be had, but I can’t get Nathan’s to pull up as usual, so I’ll share a few of the ones I took.

Nathan has a brief extension on dialysis to see if he can reverse kidney function enough to stave off dialysis completely. We have been warned of symptoms necessitating an ER trip. For now he is okay, but I notice all the things that are not as we would prefer. It is frustrating us both.

Our cannabis cards have not been approved yet, and we were warned it could take up to 3 weeks, but I am sincerely hoping that it is sooner. I feel like I am dancing the edge of a mental breakdown, and doing my damndest to stay afloat.

However, thanks to a client and the chiropractors at the clinic, there is a service called “WELLTHY” attempting to help us with things.

They have figured out that we fell through the cracks. Disability took so long to get it to go through, that he will not get a penny of SSDI, he’s too far out from a job that had consistent wages. SSI is also out of the question. I worked my ass off keeping our family afloat and just barely above poverty, so my wages invalidate his ability to draw SSI, a family of 5 has to be under $3,000.00 a month to get anything. The medical bills will not be paid by the government, at least in any way to take them off our plate and get them to quit affecting credit tracking.

“WELLTHY” is helping to make sure that his Medicaid will go through, and is also attempting to find some sort of assistance or grant to eliminate the past medical bills. They are also helping with the paperwork for his student loan. They have also promised to attempt to find medical insurance for me at a rate I can afford (not holding my breath on that one). Finally, they suggested they might be able to make a connection for childcare via charitable organizations. I am hoping it all works out.

As for now, my IV treatment is still out of reach. So even if it would help us all heal, it is not in the cards for the moment. There’s not really enough for one person to get treated with it, let alone our whole family.

I have used our stimulus check to pay bills, and we’re working on getting the mostly dead tree removed from our backyard to help reduce the insects trying to invade our home. Then we will treat for insects to ensure our home stays safe. It is vital at this point that my home stay safe, it’s all I’ve got to show for 11 years of working myself constantly. It’s also a sad reminder that I am still drastically further from my dreams than I would have hoped all my efforts would have amounted to. If I had accomplished even half of what I wanted to by now, we would be in my wonderful concrete dome home that would be nearly impervious to termites and carpenter ants.

BUT, I’m still alive. I’m still breathing. I’m still meditating every night before bed, and frequently in the middle of the day. I’m still doing my best to stay focused on positive thoughts (it’s really really difficult right now). I’m still exercising as much as I am able to fit in. The mountains of paperwork just seem to get higher and higher, more and more, so some of my gaps I would normally use for exercise have disappeared. Yet I am still managing enough exercise to keep some shred of sanity maintained. At night Nathan and I have taken to playing solfeggio frequencies and binaural tones to help with healing goals. I have even resumed doing EFT tapping to try and release the emotional buildup.

I am giving it my level best efforts. Prayers are always welcomed.

May you have your sanity when you need it. May you know you are supported and cared for. May you know it is going to be all right. May you see everything work out for the best and be just fine.

Om Shanti