Category Archives: Me Myself and I

Glimpses of step 5

Watch “How to Receive Benefit from Contrast with your Partner” on YouTube

I have found that I occasionally feel step 5, but still spend an awful lot of time in step 1 and 3. This video is specific to relationships, but I know the notification was Abraham attempting to soothe my stance on current events and resulting manifestations in my physical experience. Really everything is relationship based. Doing my best to reach for and stay in my Vortex of sanity and things making sense again.

May you find your path to step 5 mostly. May you find your Vortex more than finding yourself out of it. May you align with yourself and in doing so find alignment with those you love. May we all be more understanding and less resistant and defensive. May we all find ways to cooperate more and go with the flow of life more easily.

Siva Hir Su

Dream Déjà Vu

Watch “Anson Seabra – Can You Hear Me (Official Animated Video)” on YouTube:


I woke this morning from a really strange dream. I was back at the job I had just after college where I was an administrative assistant. It was a firm that was growing by bringing Indians with multiple degrees over to the US to fulfill high tech engineering and IT jobs. The owner was kinda shiesty, but he did help people get their green-cards for a sizeable fee. His company was worth 5 million when I worked for him and it was continuing to grow. Mostly because he took 40-60% of each salary that he placed someone in (I was responsible for prepping payroll). That was almost 15 years ago and to my knowledge they are still functioning and growing.

Anyway in the dream I found myself and Nathan sitting at a desk in their new bigger shiny office. The room I was in was just for the big heads. The owner’s and VP’s desk were in opposite corners and there was a conference table with 3 right-hand-man types at it. The big wall between the owner’s and VP’s desks had logos of all their prized contracts. The companies that they placed people with the most. I recognized the ones that I was familiar with from when I worked with them. What caught me off guard was the logo for my first actual credit card was on the wall.

In the dream I looked at Nathan and said “what the hell are we doing here”. He replied with “I’m not sure, I guess we’ll find out eventually.” I looked at the owner: Raj, and he looked just as I remembered, portly, balding, and stern. Then I looked at the VP: Praveen, his body looked the same, especially with his super shiny suit as usual, but he had this rediculous sandy-brown wig on that was covering most of his face. The conference table of the three guys was very similar to my memory, but they were different guys. When I worked for them it was Rajesh, Suraj, and the other guy went by Rocky.

At that point in the dream I was so perplexed I started flipping through stock listings. Nathan asked what I was doing. I replied “I have no idea what I’m supposed to do, so I might as well try to figure out what the best option is for purchasing stock to try and capitalize on this recession. You know buy something that when the economy bounces back they will really increase in value.” I went back to looking at stocks and reading about each company.

That was when Nathan woke me up because I had overslept my alarms again.

……

Praveen looking extra rediculous was probably my imagination having fun with his already rediculous nature, where he always seemed to try and outdo himself. Beyond that, my dream was likely something to do with my sentiment the other day about any decision I make would just be more of the same in guise of something different.

But it was so vivid I know it means something. Those dreams always do.

Upon waking, I had a knee jerk reaction about the credit card logo. I would not put it past one of those really smart people to be “helpful” in getting me on a path to better credit, to later call in the favor. That credit card was literally the first offer for a credit card that I had received. The interest rate sucked but I chalked it up to my poor credit and knew if I was careful it wouldn’t be an issue and eventually I could get them to lower it. I took the offer because I knew it would help rebuild. Then to see it in this dream, I now wonder if there was a helping IT hand in that process.

Unfortunately, the reason I quit working for that company was because my honesty scruples butted up against my intelligent knowing of how they were skirting rules and manipulating money to their benefit. There were many little things they did that we’re slap on the wrist offenses, but that netted them big benefits in untaxed dollars. I didn’t like their way of doing business, even if it did make them successful faster.

Beyond that, the people that I would suspect of helping me no longer work for that company, at least that I’m aware.

What confused me more was Nathan’s presence in the dream. He never worked for the company and at the time he was working for someone else, so he never even dropped in for lunch or any of the other things he does now. The only thing I can think of is Nathan made the dream have 7 people in it. When I worked for the company it was the 5 and me in the office every day- 6 total, but I’m now aware that 7 is significant for me because of my birth family.

So WTF, what does it mean? I have no real idea. If one of them did help me rebuild my credit then I am ever grateful, but have no idea how I could ever repay their kindness. I also thought about my mystery person and that it might be a message about them, it’s a stretch but plausible. I simply don’t know.

I often wish that divine messages were more easily understood before things happened. I find myself too frequently exclaiming, well after the fact: “Oh, that’s what that dream meant!”

Oh well, time will tell. I am grateful that I get these messages, even if I’m too dense to understand.

May you have good, vivid dreams. May you always understand the message the divine is trying to convey to you. May you know you are supported. May you feel your connection to God. May you know everything is going to be okay.

Siva Hir Su

All that is, ever has been, and ever will be.

That’s one of many descriptions, definitions if you will, of God. The weight of that statement carries with it the finite nature of the infinite creator. If God is all of that then he’s literally seen everything, experienced everything. He’s bored.

So today I wished I could change that for God. Today I wished I could do something so radically different it would surprise even the divine.

I did not want that just for me, but truly for God because I had a moment where everything was not just feeling the same, but that I felt any choice I made would bring more of the same in guise of something different. I realized that God is probably saying the same thing: I could do that, but it’ll just bring more ___.

One thing is for certain, if I die this year, it won’t be because of covid19. There are far larger fish to fry in my sea. No it’ll be because of a sense of completeness.

I thought about how many diseases God has experienced. I thought about humanity itself. There is a finite number, albeit extremely massive, of the ways genes can combine to create a body. That means that over millennia my body has existed probably several times over. Hell there’s probably been two or three of me that even had similar energetic junk to deal with. So God has literally seen it all. There are no more surprises. Thanks Battlestar Galactica for that bit of knowing.

I felt a sense of resignation with all of that. I don’t know what that’ll translate into. I have not experienced even an infintesimal fraction of what God has, but yet I am seeing how most any decision I make will bring more of the same in guise of different. There is no right answer.

All I do know is that I wish for more for God, for good for God, for something for God to look forward to. I don’t have an answer for myself, so I have no idea how to accomplish that, but it’s in my vortex now.

What I do know is I don’t like this world we’re in right now. My quality of life has plummeted, mostly from a sense that my profession though massively helpful in many ways is now seen as risky simply because I touch people. Even though massage has repeatedly been shown to lower stress levels and boost the immune system, I am seen as non-essential. The relaxation and stress reduction I provide is only acknowledged when people hit max density, instead of much sooner when it is best at preventing problems and illness. I could sanitize every surface every hour, even walls, and people would still avoid my service out of fear. The resulting ripple in my ability to support my family doesn’t help any.

I’ve heard of several people committing suicide this week and I’ve already been fighting off the desire myself. The solution has already begun to be far worse than the disease itself. What good is it to save lives from a virus to have them lost to suicide and crime resulting from the solution. I will do my best to stay buoyant and to keep reaching for better regardless, and will do my best to maintain the shreds of my quality of life through my art and music and meditations.

What I do know is I have hit my limits for wanting to solve anything myself. I have lost earthly desire. I do know that thanks to the chiropractor and kinesiology, I have a few things to eliminate from my diet (again). But God knew that would happen too.

I had a sense that God is sitting there listing off dismisally: ants go do ant things, birds do bird things,…,…, Humans go do human things….

It might catch him off guard if humans started acting like birds. Just sayin’.

What if we just started with “love thy neighbor” instead of stay 6 feet from anyone. How about instead of don’t touch, we demonstrated confident kindness and compassion. How about instead of taking for granted the portion of society that has the luxury to be able to work from home, we rallied for those that can’t. How about recognizing that everything in this world exists because it was essential to someone at some point- it wouldn’t have continued if it weren’t essential for many. How about instead of shunning others for everything perceived as negative we take a moment to reach for compassionate understanding of how they might have gotten there.

May we all love our fellow humans, may we act more like wildlife and go with the flow of life. May we all find brighter more loving linings. May we find a way to surprise and delight God. May we put God first in all of our decisions and stop trying to be God. May we all see the repetitions with fresh eyes and better perspective. May we all find better solutions.

Siva Hir Su

Collaboration

Today was all over the place. My meditation didn’t go so well because Katherine was the first to wake up today and noisy was quick to follow.

I worked in the garden and was able to get my squash and zucchini seeds planted. I did notice a few of my previous seeds are just barely beginning to show. Yea!

I unpacked another small box of trinkets and found 2 of my miniature drawings from a while ago:

This is a watercolor like the other little ones I’ve done recently. I was thinking of a circular garden gate with lightening bugs or some such thing. Approx 2″ x 3″
This was a fun garden drawing I had done. It’s gel pens on watercolor paper. Approximately 5″ x 7″

At dinner Ian started arguing with his older sister again, and I chose to walk away instead of engage. I have been frustrated with him over destructive behaviors, so I decided I was going to channel my frustration into something helpful for him.

A while ago he had done a simple pencil line drawing on one of my canvasses. I decided to take that and finish it, but with an addition. I had included a visual reminder of the 3 basic rules that every thing he is scolded over link back to. My thought process was, maybe the attention span of a 5 year old really does forget quickly and a visual reminder would help. Putting it on an image that he started was my way of showing I do care and love him. I respected his pencil drawing and brought it to more vivid brightly colored life.

This was the end result:

18″ x 24″ sharpie marker on canvas.

This was me showing it to him after he cleaned up his room. (He enjoyed using the lighted magnifying glass.)

We talked about the 3 rules again. I made him verbalize them in his words before reminding him of the actual 3 rules.

1.(emoji busts) No severe upsets. Don’t do things that cause anger, frustration, sadness, crying, screaming, etc. In himself or anyone else- especially on purpose.

2. (broken dump truck) Don’t break things, his own toys or anyone else’s stuff. It leads to #1. Respect belongings, especially other people’s stuff.

3. (band-aid on knee with pain marks) Don’t cause hurts for himself or anyone else. That means think before doing and be careful when he does go do things. Again hurts lead back to #1.

He got the rules enough to repeat them a couple of times with lots of sighs. I reminded him that it may seem like a lot, but really everything he gets yelled at over links back to one of those 3. I also reminded him that when he remembers and follows those 3 rules, that the loves and smiles automatically happen. He always gets lots of loves when he has been good.

I know he appreciated it because he spent a long time (for him) looking at it. Then he wanted to take it with him to get ready for bed. I told him it could stay put for now and we would get it hung on his wall as soon as possible. I’m glad that he does appreciate it, now if I can just get the arguing to cease.

I’ll end with my blessing and cute kitties: Buddy and Missy were laying in a heart shape today, and I did my best to meet that vibration.

May you have positive outcomes even when having a challenging day. May you have wonderful creative collaborations. May you find ways to show your children you love and respect them. May you connect with your kids in meaningful ways. May your kids appreciate what you do for them. May you find a way through misbehavior. May you feel loved and supported. May you glimpse inspiration even through frustration. May calmer, brighter, vividly joyful days fill your life.

Siva Hir Su

Ta Da

I need more ideas for titles. When most of your blog is just writing about your world: your own experience, it sometimes seems to have very repetitive topics. Geesh.

Anyways, The Good:

First I did a lot of meditating, it was very helpful and put me in a really good mood. I felt my connection to the divine really strongly and knew everything was going better. Things were going to be okay. Then I worked on a new to me client.

Then, I did another small art piece today, again about 2″ x 3″, watercolor only this time:

Not so good:

After that, I went home and proceeded to get bogged down in taxes. The first draft of my return is not a return, it’s a really big bill, when already in a crap storm affecting my finances. Damn. Even if my accountant can adjust it a little, I’m still going to have a lot owed. That took all my good juju and threw it out the window. I know I connected with God earlier today, but that sucked ass so bad, that I’ve had a really tough evening. I keep trying to remind myself that it is going to be okay, but ultimately I had to distract myself quite a bit to find a moderate even keel. This too shall pass.

My distraction was updating both of my business websites, and my listing on the board website. I remembered one thing I forgot just now (Reiki info), so I’ll get that later, but you can see them here:

Atira Group and Atira Arts

May you have mostly good days with creativity and a good connection to the divine. May you maintain your connection even in adversity. May your tax return be good and may you make it through this mess with stable finances. May you know everything will be okay.

Siva Hir Su

Alone in my Gardens

YouTube notified me of this song after I had spent all day digging in dirt alone:

It fit very well. And I did need that time. It was overcast and cool, but I really needed the nature and peacefulness. I know I’m an empath, and sometimes my junk is literally having collected everyone else’s stuff. Sometimes it’s my own. Sometimes it’s a blend of both. Regardless, digging in the dirt or being in nature is soothing to my soul, as much as art or music are.

So I spent literally all day doing Gardens. My body hurts as much as ever, but my mind is calmer. I sat to eat dinner having gotten all but a few seeds in the ground. The simple act of consuming a meal brought my motion to a halt. I no longer desired anything but sleep. Except that I recognized how sore I was and deemed a bath as necessary before sleep could be accomplished.

I dumped 4 pounds of Epsom salts into the tub and now I soak. 30 min, maybe a bit longer in as hot as I can tolerate. It will soothe my sore muscles enough to function this week.

It was worth it though. My gardens will be beautiful when they grow. I got 9,000 steps just moving back and forth through our yard. Hoisting bricks and cinder blocks. Moving sticks and rocks. Not to mention all the dirt that I carefully filled every bed and planter with. The seeds was the easy part at the end of the day.

I planted fern bulbs gifted to me by my retired massage therapist. They had sprouted quite a few runners, so I stretched them out to cover a long section along the back of our house. It’s off the side of the porch in a narrow trench of dirt between the sidewalk and the house. They’ll be perfect there.

On the other side of that same sidewalk I constructed my favorite-easy-cheap cinder-block planter. It’s the second time I’ve done this large scale, and both times I used found cinder blocks. The universe loves me, because not only were there enough cinder blocks to do that, but there were enough bricks to pave the dirt between the planters. No more muddy mess.

We also put lots of grass seed down to try and fix the rest of the muddy areas in the yard.

So far I have several different mystery flower bulbs left by the previous owner. I have Rose bushes planted by the previous owner. There is lots of the dark ivy ground cover (not English Ivy). There are a few shrubs I can’t identify yet, and some kind of perennial plant that is sprinkled about- I think some of them are volunteers, but I’m okay with that.

Then I’ve planted gladiolus bulbs, fresia bulbs, Iris bulbs, anemone bulbs, tigridia bulbs, renunculous bulbs, zennia seeds, bachelor button seeds, marigold seeds, Daisy seeds, cosmos seeds, lettuce seeds, spinach seeds, kale seeds, broccoli seeds, cauliflower seeds, cucumber seeds, chard seeds, okra seeds, several varieties of bean and pea seeds, chive seeds, white onion seeds, red onion starts, and cabbage starts.

I have one big circular planter left, which has some of those mystery plants in it, but around the mystery plants I’m going to put our zucchini and squash seeds. There’s also the oval planter which has volunteer violets in it right now, but will get herb seeds ASAP. We will have quite the gardens when they sprout and grow. I very much look forward to that.

With all of that I’ll leave you with pictures of my handy work. May you all have calming, grounding time to soothe your soul. May you have beautiful gardens or the ability to enjoy other’s gardens. May you feel safe and supported by the universe. May you stay healthy and have joyous days. May peace be with you.

Siva Hir Su

Done, done, not done.

Graphic designs done. Taxes done (at least as much as possible.). Dome design done. My massage received. Rest- check. Cuddles with kids- yes.

Didn’t get to prepping gardens, it was too cold and wet. Didn’t get any artwork done. Not much “fun” to be had either, cuddles with kids was enjoyable, but not what I would classify as good fun. Okay, could be worse, that’s not a complaint, more an observation.

My son misbehaved a lot, no big surprise there, but it’s getting really old. Today I had a long discussion about how he was acting vendictive like the one person we were around alot about 2 years ago. I explained that his actions speak to intentionally wanting to hurt me and daddy. Nathan and I have decided that cutting cords and burning sage frequently isn’t enough, it’s time for counseling…. That or a voodoo doll for the original offender. The former is more expensive, the later might carry bad karma, but both would solve the problem. Hmmm. Decisions. Probably the counseling, but I’m not afraid to do the voodoo if necessary. HA!

Anyways, I really had set out to update on my thyroid labs.

First a really quick review of my thyroid history… 2 years ago after Katherine’s birth (June 2018), I had pulled out of my second crash and my labs were as follows.

Not great, but they could have been worse. These were the labs that finally acknowledged the immune attack on my thyroid. I was on medication at that point, so my numbers were mostly okay other than the immune response denoted by the antibodies.

The next previous labs were 2 years further, after the meds had pulled me out of the horrible post Ian-birth crash. Those labs were pretty basic (next picture), but did show I had started to run consistently high, so that was when I began tapering back on meds a little over a year from when I began taking the meds.

So 2 births and resulting thyroid crashes have taught me how to read labs, what to look for and what symptoms link to what on the lab results. There were a couple of other lab profiles done, but they were so basic it seemed pointless to show them here. The original one from after Ian was born which showed a TSH of 80, that one I never even got a copy of- bad doctor.

Anyways, all the labs I’ve ever had were cash pay. Even the short time when I was covered by insurance, labs were not drawn because I had rediculous high deductibles. So I did the best with the resources available.

I’m still doing that.

I managed to get over the hump of renting for $800/mo to owning for $900/mo. But insurance is still nonexistent and doctors waste both my time and my money.

So, I ordered my labs myself again. This time I ordered a slightly more comprehensive package developed by the Stop The Thyroid Madness doctors. Results came back last night.

Now as a reminder: I knew I had had a thyroid storm about a week prior – based on symptoms and awareness of allergy reactions, but I have not been taking any meds for over a year. These were my results.

Mostly everything was okay. My cholesterol numbers were good; though I could bring the good cholesterol up a bit to even out with the bad (which is still well under their desired preference). Iron and liver related tests were good. My sugars were high, but again I’ve known I’m reacting to things which is causing those spikes, plus considering that I know a bad reaction will spike me well into the 300’s I’ll take the 157 I had. This morning my fasting glucose was 92, perfectly normal. I was high side of normal on table salt (sodium and chloride levels), but being that I have vegetable soup fairly frequently, I’ll take that number as a ‘could be much worse’ too. Especially since I’ve managed to get my body alkaline (pH of 8 on UA), that’s a hard feat to accomplish without any salt at all.

That brings me to thyroid numbers.

  • RT3 was at 12. Ideal is 8 to 10. So close, and running a bit high is a conversion problem due to Hashimotos’, I’m still well within what doctors consider normal, just not ideal.
  • Free T4 at 1.1, and ideal is 1.3. Also very close to ideal and well within normal.
  • FreeT3 at 2.8, and ideal is 3.5-4.2. I’m a little low there, but still in normal range. Also, that is very common with Hashimotos’ immune problems. So common that most Hashi people only take T3.

Unfortunately, that’s where the normals end.

  • TSH. That’s the number that denotes how hard your pituitary gland is trying to convince your thyroid to work- thyroid stimulating hormone. It was 80 after Ian, and 20 something after Katherine. Both times I struggled with depression severely. Currently I’m at 11.47 after the thyroid storm that did have anxiety, depression, and heart palpitations. Definitely not great. Well outside normal. My pituitary gland knows my thyroid wasn’t keeping up very well and trying like crazy to convince it to work harder.
  • TgAb or thyroglobulin antibodies. It doubled since the previous test, and that one wasn’t good. 2 to 4 sucks.
  • TPO or thyroid peroxidase antibodies. That also nearly doubled from 342 to 546. It is supposed to be under 9.

Those last two are antibodies that attack the thyroid when they detect certain triggers (allergens of similar molecular structure). They are way too plentiful, even with my known reaction and thyroid storm. I expected numbers like after Katherine knowing that prior to December I’d been doing great, not something twice as high.

It means I’m definitely missing things. I’m likely consuming allergens I have yet to label. I don’t want to think about any other possibility, because I know a doctor would likely start to check for cancer.

So, next step is to come up with the extra $400 to pay for the blood serum allergy testing. I have managed to figure out most of my allergies without it, but at this point I admit I’m at a stalemate without the bloodwork. I just can’t fathom what else I might be reacting to.

After that and another round of diet adjustments, I’ll need to give my body 30 to 60 days of perfection to see if the antibodies drop. That’s another round of labs to pay for to be able to see the result, but can stick to the basic thyroid panel and antibodies, that’s more like $100+.

If they do plummet then I’m golden. If they don’t then I may have much larger problems to consider. I certainly hope for the former.

Now I just have to figure out how to juggle the extra labs while already juggling reduced income from Covid19 nonsense. This is about to get really interesting.

May you have full health. May your labs always come back ideal. May you never have to know what thyroid problems are like. May you always have the resources you need in quick response timeframes. May you know you’re on there right track, and find your missing pieces easily. May you feel good mostly and have minimal easily solveable problems. May you have many blessings in all areas of your life.

Siva Hir Su

As I Am

The title is shared with Summer Osborne’s song:

This has been my song on repeat today. My own mantra if you will.

The thyroid storm has cleared but my heart still aches from the others. It still hurts because I listened to it and I was hurt by others actions and words. Now I want to listen, but only if I can avoid more hurts for a while.

Abraham reminded me of how it happened through these 2 emails:

You have more harmony points with every person on the planet than you have disharmony points, because there is much more of you that is in harmony with your Core than you realize or than most of you allow. The closer you come to being in harmony with your Source Energy, the more in harmony you are with each other. When you think about other people and what they think of you, do you understand that what they think of you has very little to do with what you are? It has mostly to do with the habits of thought that they have developed. It has more to do with them as thinkers than it does with you as the subject of their thought. If nothing is more important to you than that you feel good, you can form a fantasy about someone who is in your life and they will begin to modify to meet your fantasy, because Law of Attraction is a very powerful thing.

Excerpted from Asheville, NC, on 9/5/98

Our Love,
Esther
(and Abraham and Jerry)

A belief that the behavior of others must be controlled—so that your observation of that good behavior will make you feel good—leaves you feeling vulnerable to their behavior.

We would like to help you to understand that neither the good feeling you find when you observe wanted behavior, nor the bad feeling you find when you observe unwanted behavior, is actually the reason that you feel good or bad. The way you feel is only ever about your alignment, or misalignment, with the Source within you. It is only your relationship with the Source within you (with your own Inner Being) that is the reason for the emotions that you feel.

While it is nice to find things in your physical environment that enhance your good-feeling alignment with your Inner Being, your understanding of why you feel good will make it possible for you to feel good regardless of the behavior of others.

Understanding that the way you feel is really about your Vibrational relationship with your Inner Beingwith the Source within you, with the expanded version of you who resides inside your Vortex—gives you complete empowerment and absolute freedom.

Excerpted from Getting into the Vortex Guided Meditation CD and User Guide on 11/1/10

Our Love,
Esther
(and Abraham and Jerry)

It stinks, but all of that boils down to my heart felt their inner being and resonated, but I allowed their habits, their thinking, their behaviors to hurt me. I allowed more hurt.

I don’t hate them, my heart remembers the inner being connection. But I obviously haven’t gotten this shit down enough to avoid more hurt. So I’m stepping back for a bit. It’s me and Nathan and kids, and probably not much else for a while. I have to work, but I’m okay with a bit less of that too, as long as I can pay my bills, feed us, and have a smidgen left over to save.

I love my husband and kids, and they don’t deserve the darkness that I allowed to overshadow things for a while. I will find myself again, and this time perhaps with no-one in mind except myself. I don’t know, it’s so hard to play in my imagination without thinking of anyone else. Everything I enjoy about life involves other things and people. I’m sure going to try though.

I plan on spending every ounce of free time gardening the next couple of weeks because the weather people have said it’s going to stay nice, and the plants already in our yard are in agreement. So all of my seeds and bulbs are going to get planted this week. Because that doesn’t require a ton of thought to accomplish, I will spend the same time daydreaming of things I enjoy, doing my best to leave other people out of that equation. I am more than a good massage therapist or vagina/uterus, and if no-one else sees that then it’s because I haven’t spent enough time acknowledging it for myself.

So daydreams and gardens and allowing myself connection with my inner self. Generally feeling better, that’s my goal.

May you all have moments of feeling better. May you find a way to daydream where you know things can’t go wrong. May you allow yourself enjoyment and love and lack hurts. May you be well.

Siva Hir Su

Relief again.

I’m 95% of the way through my thyroid storm. I only feel the painful heart skips or speeding occasionally. My mood has stabilized. My thinking is more clear again. My headache comes and goes, but is gone more then present.

On top of that we had our housewarming gathering today. I bought enough food for 2 armies, and half of one showed up, so we’ll have tons of leftovers. Plus, I was pleased to see some faces considering a few days ago my thyroid storm had me believing no one cared.

It was a good first gathering in our home. I look forward to many more.

I didn’t take any of my supplements today, wanting to make sure I stayed down in normal range. Now to just find the balance where I maintain the thyroid sweet spot again. I went a year and a half doing pretty well with no medication, so now I have a reminder to keep doing what I was doing. I know the best path and I just need to stick to it. I get better at that every day, and considering I fell into the hole of my brain hurting enough to think about suicide, I climbed back up very quickly.

May last bout of that was right after Katherine’s birth and it took 2 weeks to wade through the crash to even come close to normal. The same period after Ian was born took 14 weeks after acknowledgement that I needed help. So more like 16-18 weeks from when I fell in the hole. This time it was right at a week from knowing something was off, to falling in the hole, to successful climb back out, and that’s even with stupid people taking me for granted as get laid quick schemes, rejecting actual relationship possibilities.

I’m giving myself huge kudos on that shift, that improvement; especially since I had only Nathan’s encouraging words to help me. No one stopped me, no one told me what to do, not one person figured it out for me. AND I did it all when my hurting brain was telling me it was easier to throw in the towel and just kill myself.

I literally just kept flip flopping between those scary thoughts and convincing myself that it was solvable and I just needed to regain control for the sake of my husband and kids. Once the storm calmed just enough, I was able to start attempting to analyze my previous actions to try and figure out what led up to the storm. Now I am fairly certain I know what led up to it and what to do to get into my sweet spot and maintain it again.

5 years ago that was impossible. I couldn’t even regain balance without help and was at the mercy of band-aid pills controlled by uninvested doctors. Now I have knowing, I have data, I know cause and effect, and I’ve won the battle enough times I’m now getting more efficient at winning. I may not have healed my body, but I know how to manipulate the dysfunction enough to maintain my stability.

Stability itself will eventually allow for healing.

The one moment I am clinging to is what I said to Nathan standing in the shower bawling my eyes out. I still believe it even if I’m not certain of my ability to allow it: “Love is supposed to fix the things I can’t fix by myself.” In the moment of tears I thought I was crying because I believed wrong. However, now I see that I was crying because I was doubting a true internal belief. I hold that belief so deeply that even a little doubt feels absolutely horrible. So it must come to pass. God is just waiting for me to do my part and the rest will fall into place.

Thank you God for helping me find my solutions. Thank you for helping me see the rediculous for what it is. Thank you for talking me out of my hurt and desire to give up. Thank you for giving me Nathan and his supportive kind words. Thank you for helping me fix what is wrong, and I do know you’ll help me find healing if I get out of my own way.

May you all have moments of clarity and healing. May you all find your solutions. May you all sense God’s guidance. May you have easy roads. May you respect yourself and others, especially when fighting battles like mine. May you feel better faster and more efficiently.

Siva Hir Su

One step further.

After my last post I did 2 more massages and felt very draggy. It was an additional puzzle piece, noticed by a text conversation with my husband.

It seems I keep noting, through fatigue, a desire to not be the strong one for a bit. I just want someone else to be strong for me for a while. That whole someone rescue me for once.

This desire though seems to be the trigger tripping all of my weaknesses. They are now running rampant in my brain and I need to clear them out again.

The acupuncturist asked me what was wrong and I simply glazed over things with “struggling with my self-image”. She replied “ah to be a woman”.

So between the damn hormones of my gender and my own personal mix of hell, I have quite the mess.

I know my thyroid is skirting the uncomfortable side of high. I was trying to compensate for gluten and dairy, and managed to swing to the other extreme- without medication. It manifested yesterday in feeling a little high, like slight marijuana exposure, but without that herb. Today it has been anxiety and heart palpitations, especially during the workout.

What I don’t get is how I’m running high and still feeling exhausted. Except that I’m horribly overdue for a day of downtime. Tomorrow is mostly that. Restful sleep would also do wonders as my fitness band has not tracked any significant deep-sleep in days.

So for now, I pray that God help me be strong and get some rest, and balance my thyroid again. And I will continue to battle the weaknesses with Abraham techniques.

The one resonating right now is the flip. It’s where you acknowledge that if it feels bad then it is the opposite of what is in your vortex. So by acknowledgement of that you can then reach for something in proximity of the divine version. I’ll start by apologizing for a few of my hindrances.

So:

I’m sorry for needing anyone’s validation. I’m sorry that I lost sight of my inner being for a bit. I’m sorry I desired the condition of others showing their attraction to me, or their love for me. I’m sorry I needed to hear someone say I am beautiful. I’m sorry I forgot what it is like to feel beautiful. I’m sorry I was needy and blinded by negatives. Please forgive me, thank you, I love you.

Now:

Being down about my beauty means that God sees me as beautiful in every way.

Feeling ugly means that I really am beautiful.

Feeling like no one, or only Nathan finds me beautiful, really means that many people find me beautiful. (It’d be nice if they showed it or told me, just sayin’, not a requirement, just appreciated).

Feeling like society standards are unreachable means that somehow they are.

Feeling like I’m pressured to slice myself to meet those standards means that it’s not the only choice.

Feeling like I need to meet those standards really means that God doesn’t expect that and appreciates me exactly the way I already am.

That does feel better. I have a long ways to climb. So, I will acknowledge you get the idea and I will do the rest in my brain, followed with a couple/few rounds of mantra meditation.

It seems my days cycle like this in a much faster loop. I’m not sure if that is a good or bad thing. It just is different than my past.

Fall on something pointy, acknowledge the problem, reach for solution, work towards solution, feel better, repeat. I’m certain that people around probably think I’m crazy, but based on Abraham teachings technically I’m on the right track. It just seems to be a bit of a harsh cycle for me. Abraham swears it gets better the more you do it. I look forward to that.

May you know you’re not alone. May your thought journeys go easier on you. May you feel beautiful and loved. May you know your worth in God’s eyes. May you see your own beauty and worth. May you have a gentle ride and the easy river. May solutions flow easily into your experience. May you have the support of others in your experience. May you climb all of your beliefs up the emotional scale. May you feel your connection and know it is guiding you toward better. May you easily regain that viewpoint when you falter.

Siva Hir Su