Category Archives: Me Myself and I

KMA to no one in particular.

These are all the real things that no one wants to hear, but feel spectacular when I acknowledge them.

Go ahead and kill me. We’re all going to end up dead anyway. Every last one of us at some point, it’s inevitable. And I’m not like 99% of the world afraid to die. Hell it’d solve a lot of my problems. I’d never have to work to pay bills again. I’d never have to take responsibility for shit I didn’t cause again. I’d never have to tell people their real problem preventing their own progress, or better yet problems with the systems they buy into. I’d never have to rub on people in futility doing my damnedest to convince them to just fucking relax and let go for once. I’d never have to work and do all the other things too. I’d be free and easy, and I know that is in my vortex. Besides, who fucking wants to stay here anyway? Does anyone actually enjoy life for real? Ever? Everyone and every government wants to spend all day everyday fighting each other and everyone else too, all in a stupid war to see who can convince the most that they are right and powerful. There aren’t fun pleasant things to even talk about anymore, let alone go do without significant discomfort or hassle. It’s covid this, politics that, doctors this, and on and on and on. Everyone missed Thumper’s lesson 40 years ago, a whole lotta not nice going on all the fucking time. So yeah, just fucking kill me and get it over with. I asked for easy, I asked for fun, I asked for better, I reached for all of them, and I’ve got this bullshit that is nothing like what I asked for. Can’t eat anything hardly at all, let alone anything I want. Still fat and ugly, still an assload of problems I can’t fix. Still praying for better daily, still working myself to better vibrations, like this is doing wonders for the way I feel- it feels spectacular. How about I just go to sleep tonight and not wake up tomorrow. That’s the death scenario I know is in my vortex. I’m totally fine with that. I’m over fighting. I’m over hearing complaining about everything in the world. I’m over listening to everyone else’s negative ninies, and having no way to release it without repetition. I’m just over it, every bit of it. This world sucks and I’m totally willing to go. Heaping steaming pile of toxic waste sludge from mankind’s careless stupidity. So much toxicity there is nowhere to turn or run to. My organs are trashed from repeat viral infections and medicine has no fix only costly lifetime treatments for symptoms, which I really don’t even care to try and navigate anymore. I’m over it. I’m over lazy doctors and useless treatments. I’m over trying to come up with money I don’t have. I’m good. You’ve trashed my whole family with repeat diseases. Just let us all go. How about tonight in our sleep we all die. End of story. Sleep. No living again. I’m good with that. Hell it’d end at least our 5 portions of Epstein-Barr/Mono and Covid viruses. Hell the whole world should just let go. You want to end Covid, just let it win. Everyone that hasn’t had it will be the only survivors, and *poof*: no Covid ever again. I’m good with that. I’m a willing sacrifice. Go ahead, make my day, end the suffering for once and for all. I’d have no pain, no stiffness, no headaches, no digestive trouble, no diarrhea or constipation, no loss of energy, no fatigue or exhaustion, no brain failures, no discomfort of any kind. I’d feel better than I’ve ever felt before, because there is no health or lack of it, if you no longer have a body. And no disease or resistance is possible once you’re dead, I’d be my full genius self again. There would be nothing to worry about, no place to be at a certain time, no things I’d have to do. Just done. Financially off the hook for all eternity, if everyone died we’d all be debt free instantly, and there would be no credit agencies or big banks anymore. That actually sounds quite wonderful. I like the sound of that, even knowing that you can’t flow money at all once you’re dead, if that were true Nathan’s ex would have used the afterlife to repay the debts and ripples she caused. And go ahead and give the divine mother back her planet. If we’re all gone then she’d have a much easier time fixing all the shit that we have done. We’ve raped and pillaged and plundered and poisoned everything and everyone until disease has touched everything and everyone. There is no one safe, even our land, our waters and our air, have been poisoned beyond human repair. We will all die eventually because man is too stupid to know when he’s done too much. Man is too stupid to know when to stop. Just fucking stop. The divine mother would have a much welcomed relief if we all just died- now. Do you have any idea how many problems would be solved in one fell swoop by all humans being destroyed. Maybe just maybe it’s the best thing that has ever happened. I simply just ask that for my family, we all go at once, easy peasy, no mess to clean up or financial problems, just 5 burials that the state can manage (maybe- I’m not sure any government can manage anything useful or good anymore). And if everyone was gone all the toxins from all the manufacturing would end because there would be no products to make to sell, because there would be no people to sell to. There would be no fossil fuels to consume because the few people left could survive on the turbines already up and running. And housing, there wouldn’t be enough people to sustain mortgage companies, and there would be billions of empty houses. The few people left could just pick where they want to live, end of story. All of the pollution would suddenly cease. It seems like a great plan to me. Solve everything at once, mass genocide. It’s all good. And it’s not like we’d be missing anything anyway. Once your buffet of choices is all just piles of toxic shit, it leaves humans saying “no, I’m good, I don’t need any more suffering”. Once there’s toxic choices to the left, to the right, front and back and center, one decides none of it is worth it. I had a client tell me “Live in Christ, die in Christ.” They were trying to express peace with death. Well there’s not anyone really living in Christ anymore, so we might as well all die in Christ. This is really seeming like a win+win the more I look at it. We’d all be free, we’d all find relief, even the planet would be able to recover eventually. Sign me up, under one condition, the willing (myself included) get the easiest, quickest, most seamless transition.

I really am good with that.

Besides, no one really wants to hear me either God. I know how you feel. Let’s commiserate on the other side: we’d be demiGod and demiGoddess smushing humans together, and letting the Earth heal.

May you find your least resistant thought. May you see the easiest solution as valid, regardless as to what that is. May you know that you deserve more than pain and suffering for a lifetime. May you know that the divine always knows what is best; it is totally okay to release, let go and let God. May you see that your life made an impact even if it was brief. May you know you did your best in this world. May you forgive yourself and all of humanity for our stupidity. Above all may you know that the divine loves and supports you in all that you do.

Om Shanti


Right now I’m taking a short break to wash sheets at the clinic. My brain hurts.

I decided that even though I can’t afford med-school, especially knowing I would argue with teachers frequently, it doesn’t mean I can’t learn what I need to learn, to help Nathan.

He’s struggling again, and needs answers, and I’m determined to make it happen one way or another. So I started with texting his nurse and reading textbooks at my easy access.

At work I have a whole library of medical compendiums at my access thanks to 3 chiropractors, 2 current and one retired.  I started there with “Grey’s Anatomy”, not the stupid show. I’m now on to reading all applicable areas of “Medical Physiology”.

I’m certain I stirred up a rats’-nest with the DaVatia clinic, but the first doctor to get a clue and do their job right is spared if evidence does point to any applicable malpractice moments. Hopefully the DaVita doctor will be that saving grace, she seems nice enough.

I have plenty of books to read (see below) and if all else fails I can go down to UMKC and browse their medical library. I will find out what I need to know, one way or another. It’s too bad that I’m having to play Susan Saradon’s part in ‘Lorenzo’s Oil’. That movie was made in 1992 based on a true story from prior, yet here in 2021 there are still moments where the family cares more than the doctors.

So this is the library at work:

If I don’t find my answers there I will navigate UMKC. Somehow I will find answers. I just hope it it on time to prevent worse trouble for Nathan.

May you never have to battle for proper care. May doctors always do their best to help you. May you know that you are being cared for properly. May you have all the resources you need and find a way to make things right. May you fully understand every challenge in front of you and find solutions easily. May you always be heard and understood. Above all may you know that the divine loves and supports you in all that you do.

Om Shanti

Cloud surfing.

I have been feeling the need for some positive focus in a major way. In lieu of my grand dreams of Atira Community, I’d take some more practical Tessering. So I’m going to focus on the paradigm I’d like to be in right now, and aim at it based on my current reality. Essentially, I’m going to focus on what my ideal next step would be. As in from right where I sit right now: what is the best improvement in all areas that is reachable?

My ideal health situation would be: My own personal health, and that of my family, finds balance and is more easily maintainable. The tools to accomplish that would be easily afforded and/or covered by insurance, and would be toxin-free and side-effect-free. I could do the IV nutrient treatments in an affordable or covered way. I could heal organs for myself and my family. We could eat normal foods in normal quantities again. We would all be healthy weight, strong, flexible, and have healthy nutrient levels in our bodies. All of our bodily systems would function easily and seamlessly to provide a sense of overall consistent health. My family would make friends with focusing on meditation and yoga to help maintain their balance. They would find other enjoyable ways to help maintain that balance as well. We would all feel good consistently.

My ideal financial situation would be: The income I have been able to produce consistently these last few years, would come with fewer hours and still be minimal stress levels to help maintain health. A wonderful bonus would be if the wages increased a bit, and was still fewer hours and minimal stress. That would be wonderful because it would help to pay things off sooner, and I might be able to save time for tree sculptures and other activities I’ve been unable to accomplish. It would also help me to provide things that the teen has requested (car insurance for her to drive). It would be an increase of enjoyment along side financial relief and less hands on work. That would be amazing.

My ideal home would be: Enough time to keep regular chores caught up and finish projects started. I still have trim to finish installing in Anya’s room, and the drywall patch needs sanded and re-painted, I’d love to finish those things. There are still a few little silly things that have just never made the priority cut, like one door needs the kick plate installed. A wonderful bonus would be having enough income and/or time to tackle the big projects that have been indefinitely postponed: exterior paint job and addressing window replacements. Our home is beautiful and I love the idea of making it even better, by addressing the few not ideal items. I look forward to being able to do that easily and in a way that fits with schedule needs. It would also enable more contemplation and possibly even action towards things that have been considered to make our yard and kitchen beautiful as well. That would be most excellent. I look forward to moments like that.

My ideal community would be: Open, fully functional, healthy, lighter, and at peace. People would be secure in their beingness and open to others doing the same, regardless of how that manifests. We would all be free to choose and we would all reach for better. People would begin to walk away from arguments on differences, and embrace each other based on common ground. People would reach for things that feel good and look for ways to appreciate each other regardless of uniqueness. There would be even more beautiful plants and trees, and caring for the environment would be evident everywhere I go. Recycling would become even easier to accomplish, and everyone would make efforts to maintain cleanliness in our community and in our world. We would embrace the changing weather patterns and work together to adjust to the changes. We would all work together to find compromises and solutions to all of our challenges in every arena. Bipartisan would become a collective of positive forward motions and change for the better. Acknowledgment of failures would be propulsion towards a collective reaching for alternative solutions. We would all work together for the betterment of mankind and the world. We would all aim for balance with nature and help improve the world in every way for lasting progress, and hopefully increase humanity’s chance of survival for many generations to come (only in balance will humans continue to flourish). Institutions would recognize when they are failing the collective and adjust their actions and motivations to meet the needs of the collective. Governments would do likewise. Both institutions and governments would serve us best by acknowledging that though no action will be perfect for everyone, there are actions that would be a better solution for most, and those would be the actions that bring everyone together again. Institutions and governments would also acknowledge that because no one decision is perfect for everyone, they would enable choice in participation, we would be allowed to maintain our freedoms and our human rights. They would acknowledge that they are charged with making decisions for the majority and finding ways to enable those decisions for all whom wish to participate, but that human freedom is pertinent regardless. (Example: Education is supported and structured, but any one family can choose public vs private vs homeschool at their own judgement and risk.) That concept is embraced and applied in all areas of life. Institutions would embrace the energetic world knowing that more and more people are aware and open to it, and medicine would be served to learn more about it and find ways to help people with it.

My world would change slowly enough to enable most people to keep up and survive, to heal enough to lead healthy lives. Only those that are unable to keep up would perish, and that could easily be a slim margin with more available options.

These ramblings are my broad view of things on my mind and where I wish to see them head. Hopefully you see the overarching theme and how it applies to your experience.

May we all get through these changing times in one piece. May we all have the healing we seek. May you see that you are doing your level best to provide yourself with everything you need. May you give yourself the best possible options you can. May you find forgiveness for yourself when you are unable to give yourself the best available. May you love and respect yourself and everyone around you. May you see the light that our world needs and find every way possible to bring it into your days. May we all work together for better and brighter days. Above all may you know that the divine loves and supports you in all that you do.

Om Shanti