Category Archives: Me Myself and I

I figured it out

My daughter was talking about one of her best friends who goes by the name Lenny and prefers the pronoun “they”. I discovered that it made me feel uncomfortable. I have nothing against people choosing their descriptors but in the moment of the conversation it felt awkward, and I was trying to figure out why.

Finally, this morning I realized it is because of the ‘is/are‘ English rules which I learned in school. When I was taught English if you were talking about someone using he, she, their name, or saying “that person” you always used IS. Likewise, if you said they you had to use are, and most of the time ‘they are’ was a plural statement but last night my daughter was using it in the singular and it just felt off.

She had pointed out prior that they did get used in singular such as “they lost their wallet, I hope they come back to get it”. And I agreed, but my epiphany fits with this. The wallet statement is devoid of the is/are connundrum.

So, I’m going to give some examples of where I realized I was feeling the”wrongness” in the moment.

Like her wallet example, I’m used to: “They dropped their item, I hope they realize they lost it and come back for it.” And “Are they going to the show?”

But last night it was more: “They get scared easily; they are easily frightened by…; they came around the corner and screamed from being startled; they don’t really like scary things but we convinced them to do two haunted houses”

The phrases being said sounded plural, like she was talking about multiple people, but it was just the one friend. It really did feel off and somewhat confusing. I personally would have rather heard “Lenny” repeated throughout.

So after a good night’s sleep, I finally figured out the-how of my glitch with using “they” as a singular pronoun…. Now I just have to figure out how to make my brain okay with language rules learned in early elementary.

I’m certain it doesn’t help that being dyslexic. I struggled with learning language rules in a repeatable sort of way. It also doesn’t help that I learned to hate being wrong at an early age, getting things wrong meant bad grades and the wrath of my father screaming at me that I can do better. So I worked 3 times as hard to avoid that. It means once I understood something I really locked it away in a don’t-fuck-up sort-of-way. It’s extra hard to change something learned young in that manner.

Not impossible, just really really difficult.

I’ve fixed lots of things, this will eventually be another. Or maybe I’m not alone and someone is already working on an English-speaking-rules adjustment.

May you understand your hiccups with verbal speed bumps. May you see how to make things okay for yourself so they can be okay for others. May you find a way around every broken element of your psyche. May you fix your brain to fix your life. Above all may you know that the divine loves and supports you in all that you do.

Om Shanti

And today’s Abraham quote:

Every religion on the planet, and there are so many more than you are even aware of, has the potential of absolute thriving. But when you think that you must prove that you have the only one that is right—and you use your condemnation to push against the others—your condemnation separates you from your own Connection that, before your condemnation, you were finding in your own religion.

Excerpted from Boston, MA on 10/2/04

Our Love,
Esther
(and Abraham and Jerry)

J

Okay, so first disclaimer. I took cannabis meds tonight to help my state of being. I may be struggling enough that I took a little more than usual, and thus I’m feeling it tonight. Not bad, actually quite good, I just felt I should note that I’m writing from a slightly-altered state of mind.

I had a thought
I'm not sure how it was brought
I wondered if she'd rather be called
J
I grew up with a brother that went by
JJ
He had a feminine side
Father tried to beat out of him
Dad given nickname
He came to hate
I wondered if that was why
He preferred
JJ
JJ is androgynous
It doesn't pick a side
It doesn't let you decide
So would be J
She grew up a girl
With behavior more befitting
A boy
I relate
Mud pies, skinned knees,
Playing war as long as
My brother didn't win too much
She had sisters and parents
Of similar age as mine
She was born a girl after all
Who would think different
I heard my father's words
Echo bitterly:
"If it looks like a duck, quacks like a duck...."
Bullshit of generations past
Too weak to allow for more
Turning them to cowards of
Either/or
I want to allow more
I want to honor differences
I want to respect those that deserve
Respect
Just for being them
So I reach for
How
How do I ask
From genuine concern
And not sound like
An Ass
I'm not good at this
Because our generation was
Those that admitted
We were
Different
But labels
Weren't firm
Weren't decided and settled
There wasn't discussion or education
And didn't get used accurately
Often
Parents were oblivious
They thought they were
Doing great
But never noticed
The poor example set
For learning to
Respectfully acknowledge
Individual vessel
For a much greater self
So even this unique
SELF
Doesn't always know
How to be addressed
I've been called
T
And it's just fine
Ambiguous
Allows for
Flexibility
I still like
My feminine
Celtic Wise Woman
Name
Near my heart
For being
My choice
But I have
And always will
Keep up with
The boys
Whenever it matters
To ME
So Ambiguous
Sounds good to me
Because I can be
Girly girl
Manly Woman
One of the boys
Whatever
I need
In any moment
It allows for
More me
To just
BE
~ Treasa Cailleach

May you always know how to ask respectfully. May you see more possibilities for yourself and others. May you find a way to honor the whole of someone you care about. May you be patient with those that are doing their best to improve. May you be equally patient with yourself for aiming for those same and even more improvements. May you have love in your heart for every uniqueness. Above all, may you know that the divine loves and supports you in all that you do.

Om Shanti

2 was too much.

I should not have had children. I can’t handle the ones I have. I can’t be a responsible parent because it’s killing me. The stress, the worries, but most of all the knowing that I have passed on the traits I tried so hard to stop. I have perpetuated the damage that my parents wrought on me, especially that of my father. I was not able to stop it and I’m watching my children repeat those bad behaviors. Plus I even passed on the resulting disease. Everything I do only seems to make it worse instead of better. I can’t fix this and I wish I’d never caused it to begin with. I should never have had children. I’m sorry, please forgive me. The universe only made it very difficult to bear children, it didn’t eliminate the possibility. I should have given up before I even started. If I had let myself completely go I’d already be dead and there would have never been a child to begin with. I think that was my biggest mistake, trying to fix something that wasn’t worth the effort. I’m sorry, please forgive me, thank you, I love you. Can I go home now? No more battles, no more striving, no more trying, just peace.


These are the deep dark thoughts of my brain that I do my best to ignore. They eat at me anyway. Bonus I know my father thinks them. You see when I get on the wavelength of these thoughts I even start to take him on. Right now my left foot is swollen and I just had a moment where I felt like I was stuck in his failing body. I lost it on my whiney children because of the 3D reality in front of me, but I felt like I was standing looking at my adult sister. I feel exhausted and just want to sleep and never wake up. My brain is trying to calculate the easiest way to ensure that. I had the realization I should have never lived to begin with, and I can’t take back the love I have for my children, but I felt distinctly like they didn’t give a shit about my existence.

See I don’t have to call my father, because every single negative trigger in my universe takes me front and center to his psyche and his current existence. It literally kills me a little every time it happens, and I use every bit of my being to stay away from it as much as possible.

My real, sane, prayer is that it ends very soon. I can and will heal if it ends. I also pray that the divine fixes what I can’t. My beautiful children deserve the same healing and the same disease to stop. I do love them, I don’t wish any of this negative toxicity on them, but they have already been poisoned. I beg the divine to fix what I can’t. For their sake, for their children’s sake, for the world’s sake.

May you never know the agony of living like this. May you never fight tooth and nail to fix generations old damage. May you never be faced with an invisible force that you are powerless to stop. May you never wish death upon yourself. May you find a way to gain control of what is normally under your will. May you find a way to safely manage those horribly damaging things that aren’t. May we all get through these times and clear the other side safely. Above all may you know that the divine loves and supports you in all that you do.

Om Shanti