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So I lied… The truth.

There’s always an upswing for me now, and the refractory period has shortened significantly, in fact this one kinda surprised me. When that happens, I find my desire to write again. I move from writing to clear thoughts, to brief decompression, to loving to write for progress and forward momentum.

The truth is:

  • I want to desire only that which is good for me.
  • I want to love myself first.
  • I will always cycle around to putting my self first, even if it takes some time.
  • I am seeing where other’s stupidity slows me down. I may give of myself easily and love others completely, but I’m seeing how I keep letting myself get hurt because of that. Enough is enough, if they don’t reciprocate I’ll love them from afar and they can come grovel when they find their senses.
  • I am seeing where no one will ever value me as much as I value myself, especially in business.
  • I am learning that if I really value myself, I must put my goals, hopes and dreams first, and focus enough that I remind myself that some of my desires are not good for me.
  • I care about doing things I love and rewarding myself appropriately… Mmm maybe that is in the form of a good distraction, maybe one of the people I met at Sunday’s coffee hour can help with that.
  • I care about examining the myriad of ways something could fall on the spectrum of good or bad for me and taking action only after determining that it’s mostly good.

The message of today was VB. I saw it everywhere, and autocorrect even started putting it in my written text. I had Nathan look it up since I was working 2 different buildings. He came up with a stock option and visual basic.

I already am working with stocks as much as my budget allows which isn’t much, so the stock purchase will have to wait.

I’m not a computer programmer, and work far outside of IT, so I’m not certain I’ll jump into learning visual basic, but I did extrapolate that message into needing to take the next steps in developing the visual imagery of my program: Atira.

For me that translates into a few things.

  • Finish the floor plans for the dome.
  • Redo/update the map I made of Atira 12 years ago.
  • Start creating the images for my CEU courses, and obviously write the courses.
  • Start revamping my ages old marketing materials for Atira CEUs and other workshops, especially now that we’re close to having a functional space large enough for Reiki courses and workshops. (Being a graphic designer in addition to massage therapist definitely has its perks, I know how to design my own marketing materials and get them printed at the lowest costs!)
  • Begin handing out cards again and let my buildings know I’m almost ready to accept more contact work again. (Need to finish getting settled first.)

I am fortunate enough to be in a place where my integrity and reliability proceed me. My word of mouth reputation is invaluable in this city. I’m also very fortunate to be in a current contract set-up that is flexible enough to enable me to adjust schedules as needed. As each new contract appears I’ll slide them in where convient, and it’ll just reduce availability at the clinic I contract with, a minor inconvenience. Right now that’s no problem as I have plenty of days with ample downtime, so there’s plenty of time to spare. Depending on my alignment to the flow that could change slowly or quickly. If slowly they’ll have ample time to adjust with me. If quickly, I’ll just find a replacement for myself, though I guarantee a replacement won’t be as good. All the good therapists in this city are like me and happily self-employed, most working from home.

It’s not my intention, as like the activities job, I tend to give far more notice and assistance than they earn. So, I fully expect they’ll have plenty of time to adjust and make their own choices.

It seems God has me on a fast track. I’m okay with that and doing my level best to keep up.

“I’m ready, to be ready, to be ready.” – Abraham Hicks

May you find your realignment quickly. May you find yourself ready, to be ready, to be ready. May you see opportunities where once were hurts. May you see your fast track and keep up with it. May you find the way to your goals and dreams. May you have all the energy, knowing, and confidence to allow yourself your own success.

Many blessings, and be well. We’re all in this thing called life together, and even in moments of doubt I know God is rooting for us to ‘fight the good fight’ and pull through.

Siva Hir Su

Minimal. …. Plausible deniability.

I just had 2 thoughts that I missed in the cogs yesterday and needed to get out of my head.

First, Nathan filled me in that LGBT forces in Scotland kicked out Chick-fil-A, and they have a Bisexual minister of state. I’m so grateful to hear news of progress in our world and acceptance, but especially that organizations that encourage non-acceptance are falling. I look forward to those days here in the US.

2nd: Plausible deniability. I’m so over men getting to pull that card, is part of the reason we have battles like Chick-fil-A. Trump and the conveniently deceased Epstein are just part of the latest round of infamous ass-hats to have used that terminology. Yes, I do say men use it, because for every famous/infamous woman that has said it, there’s been at least 20 men. It usually follows true in regular life as well. It’s because in every situation that a woman could pull that card, they usually choose silence or admit their reasoning for whatever action was taken. And I get it – why women don’t sue men more often over their plausible deniability. Even when the woman has grounds to sue, they have feelings. Those feelings tell them, I wanted X/Y/Z, or I was hopeful of such things in return. They acknowledge that even if the scales are unbalanced and in favor of the man, manipulation by the man still occurred, but that on some level there is some responsibility they as women have to own. Even if it’s merely having had the low vibration which attracts predatory behavior.

Yet the protections favor the person that maintained their plausible deniability- mostly men, those unfeeling bastards. Women have to fight so much harder for acknowledgment when men use their positions to take advantage of women’s feelings. Most of us women just don’t have that fight in us by the time it gets to that point. I have been having trouble just getting through life in general I wouldn’t have any fight left if I was put in a position like that, if it ever happened to me the man would just quietly win and I’d be the woman that went into hiding for no one knows why. Fortunately, I’m just the supportive role for others in that boat.

I hope it never does happen to me, but it’s my responsibility to keep working on myself and raise my vibration and master interpretation of ESP input to help avoid such situations. That’s why I rarely comment on politics and such, I do my best to keep these negatives out of my bubble. But after hearing of those two things, combined with my week, they got caught in the cogs. This is my means of elimination, so now I’ll be able to move on from those thoughts.

May you have easy elimination of negatives in your experience. May you always feel safe and properly reciprocated. May you know for certain your interpretations are accurate. May you feel open acceptance and see non-acceptance crumble. May you see a world where everyone owns their own actions and acts appropriately, expressing emotions honestly and freely. May you only ever have to be support for others in crisis, always maintaining an easy go for yourself.

Siva Hir Su

As for me I thought I was… Several times over in fact.:

Humans are not a game

There are hearts

Emotions and desires

Hopes and dreams

All lead to hurts when things go wrong

Is God just toying with humans

Like cards on a table

Stories can be told by simply putting them in a certain order

That’s how tarot works

A unicorn lost its shield

The Queen of Hearts is exiled

Her King never retrieves her

Nor any Queen or King for that matter

Cards are no fun when played alone

Solitaire is just a quiet process

It either works out or doesn’t

But always being the loser is no fun either

Playing the game with others is only fun if you win sometimes

God would know that, right?

The Creator would want everyone to win sometimes right?

Is that sense of God just faulty wiring in our brains?

Not what it seemed

She thought it was intuition

She thought she was feeling another person again

Maybe it was the first somehow interfering

Different faces

Different situations

Similar sensations- not identical

Now there’s hurt that can’t be undone

Confusion and sorrow

If it wasn’t another new situation

How did it happen?

Can the dead mess with the living

Or is it craziness

It’s unknown

Causing yet another withdrawal

There is no truth

Only people wanting love

An alignment gone wrong

Horribly wrong

Yet again someone half open

Not hers to have

Despite feeling otherwise

How does one become a monk when there’s a whole family to be responsible for

How does one shut off desire so it never happens again

Uncertain certainty.

She knew he was dead

She couldn’t explain it any other way

Someone had to know for certain

Why didn’t anyone tell her

Why wouldn’t he leave her alone

He started it

She wanted the love, that’s all

They’re convinced she’s crazy

She’s convinced he’s trying to get her to join him

She doesn’t know how to get away from what can’t be seen

She doesn’t know how to shut it off

Love keeps it going, even in treacherous waters

She can’t turn away from anyone she’s loved

Love is literally driving her mad

Where are the Angels? she weeps

The Angels hear, but can they respond

Her fate yet uncertain

She said…

She said she loved

She said he cared

She said he’d be there

That she’d be there too

She said there was a future to look forward to

She said keep believing

Dreams are worth reaching, fighting for

He said the same, similar meaning, different words

Time passes

Deaths toll always comes

Did it mean anything

Or is it just a game to god

They were both certain there is a God

They both felt the touch of God

Or did they

Challenges of Finding Balance

Mere Observations from different settings and perspectives:

Where this blog began in my thought processes was based on two people and their interactions. I could see both sides of the situation, the logic that was being employed by both, but where their dissonance was causing a “butting of heads” so to speak. They were failing to see each other’s perspective to find common ground and work together to a common goal. So I decided to write it out from multiple standpoints which I have seen the same moment play out repeatedly over the years.

Case Study 1: Corporate Structure

Corporations are merely businesses of a particular structure, usually we think of corporations as being larger businesses. This is not always true, but for this case study I am referencing larger businesses.

Each large business entity is still a business with an original intent. Businesses have goals to meet specific needs of their target consumers. They want to solve Problem X for Population A and in turn do so in a way to, sooner than later, make a profit. Their goal is to do a good job solving Problem X, for the lowest cost, to make both the consumer and their board and stock holders happy. Every business, large or small, functions on this very basic oversimplified concept.

With that in mind, businesses usually then want very skilled employees that are very dependable and efficient at fulfilling each particular role in the company. The more efficient and skilled the employees are, the better able they are to complete tasks properly and in a timely manner, saving money on both production labor and customer satisfaction. The more skilled and efficient, the more can be completed, so then companies often either seek better and better employees, or push their employees to continually reach for improving themselves.

Yet, at the same time, nearly all employees have similar goals. Their goals being self-improvement, higher efficiency, better skills sets. This is not only for a current position, but in case they need to seek a new position for any reason. They often are continually thinking about their lives, where they are headed, what they need or want to accomplish. Often family is a factor and a knowing that bigger family requires more resources and thus a step up in income. Always looking up to the next best thing. It is human nature to want improvement and most seek that improvement through incremental action steps.

Does the corporation ever notice when the employees accomplish a step of self-improvement on their own? Does the company ever reward the employees that do continually strive to better themselves? Does the company back off on the pushing of that goal when all of the employees are working together as best as could be expected? Is there ever acknowledgement of stasis- for the technology that currently exists and the employees available to the company, the company has reached the most optimum efficiency possible? Does the company ever step back and examine their fees structure and wage structure to examine if they are paying a living wage? For example, if one company hired a married couple with 2 children, would that family be able to survive on the wages that the company was paying those 2 individuals, or would the family have to create additional income? The same could apply to a singular individual. Does the company ever evaluate their choices in benefits to see if their choice is actually helpful to their employees, wages are even more vital if benefits do not cover what they are supposed to cover? For example, my worthless insurance through the activities position that paid for 2 labs, 1 chiropractic visit, and $4 of my pregnancy/birth; the policy cost me $700, my employer $3,000 and still left me with another $3,500 out of pocket. Big dollars for negligible worth.

At the same time, there is responsibility for the employee as well. Two sides must work together to accomplish a unified goal. Do employees ever contemplate the cost of their accidental lapses in the grander scheme? For instance, I missed the trash can and didn’t pick it up, if every employee did that once a day, how much extra housekeeping costs does that incur? Do employees ever contemplate the amount of overhead that companies incur, insurance and utilities, and do employees ever make strides to help reduce those costs? Accident free workplaces have lower company insurance costs. Turning off back-room and store-closet lights,etc. save on utility overhead. Using washable towels or hand-dryers help reduce waste and overhead. Working together with co-workers instead of arguing can not only solve problems more quickly, but lead to greater efficiency in general.

Every action of every work day has the potential to cost both the employee and the company in different ways, and both sides are equally responsible for coming together and thinking of the other to help improve the greater outcome for both sides. We’re all in this boat together, its up to us all whether we sink and swim, or row to shore.

Case Study 2: Small Business and their Dealings

Small business go through the same problems as large businesses, but the effects are often seen much faster. Where I currently work it can be seen in as simple as paper-towel usage when employees forget to utilize washable towels, costing the company extra cases of paper-towels. Even moments like efficiency being affected by laundry screeching to a halt when one practitioner gets behind or forgets their load has even been run (I’m most guilty of that one). However, there can often be other behind the scenes moments that take their toll.

One such moment I witnessed in another company was about a business deal going sideways. One person was the buyer, and as buyer they wanted to save as much as possible knowing that there would be long-term costs to look forward to. They wanted to make very certain they could handle the end result. Additionally, as any buyer would, they wanted to save money if possible. So they were looking for every possible option to require the seller to cover costs, and thus reduce potential long term concerns. (I might have benefited from a little of this perspective on my home purchase, but still consider myself very fortunate to have found a home in such good shape, so I’ll cross fingers that it pans out to my benefit long-term anyway.)

The seller however, was looking for someone that they trusted and felt was committed to the deal. Someone that would be able to follow through and assume the full responsibility of what the deal would entail long term. They were searching for a capable buyer that could handle all of the aspects of the result of the deal. The repeat requests for seller to pay began to come off as the appearance that the buyer might not be able to handle the results of the sale and everything might collapse anyway- that the buyer might not be responsible enough or financially stable enough (the same concern most mortgage companies deal with and thus require so much in financial documentation). Being that customers would be affected regardless of the longer term results, the seller might have been questioning if the decision to sell was a good idea, as perhaps another buyer might be a better fit.

As conflict ensued it was clear that neither was contemplating the other side’s view and neither was reaching for the common middle ground. The buyer could call it good with what was already requested, and the seller could state that certain things be a good faith equivalent to ernest money in a home buying situation. Some form of common ground like that could set the deal back on it’s original trajectory. (Of course that is where I lost track of things having moved on with my own journey, so I’m not sure if they were actually able to find that common ground or not. I sincerely hope they did, and that everything ultimately went smoothly.)

So even in small bushiness and small business deals, there is still a responsibility for both sides to find common ground and work toward common goals. There is still a responsibility for everyone to contemplate their actions and how they affect others involved. There is still a responsibility for us to attempt to reach for our better functioning, more efficient, more skilled selves as often as possible. Yet, is it just in our working lives?

Case Study 3: Relationships

Relationships also require the same thought processes and reaching for common ground.

Even if a relationship has a strong connection, that bond of love that is felt not seen, it can fall prey to many of the same challenges that businesses and employees see. That is when you start finding yourself in moments where someone feels hurt or disrespected. That is when you find moments of arguments and bickering. We are all human and do have lapses, and it is very important to find forgiveness for lapses, especially when they are unintended. However, if one partner in a close relationship has begun to disregard the importance of self-improvement and consideration of others, and how their daily actions affect the whole, that is then where relationships tend to fall apart. It is one thing to have a lapse and another to completely turn away from all of those considerations.

So I leave you with a final set of considerations that can apply to any relationship.

  • How are my actions affecting those I care about?
  • Am I improperly prioritizing things in my life: am I putting things before people, or am I putting recreation before necessary functions?
  • Am I creating extra work by being careless, forgetful, or disorganized?
  • Am I relying on others to catch my back too often?
  • Can I be more proactive, or another way to put that is am I being too lazy or blase?
  • Do I consider other’s feelings or their needs when I choose to do things, or choose to do them in a certain way or at a certain time?
  • Am I considerate of how my actions might affect overhead (bills, utilities, fuel, etc.) or scheduling concerns?
  • Am I supportive of others in a similar manner, kindly reminding them of things that are affecting my needs and asking politely for adjustments when needed?
  • Can I be doing more, or can I be more helpful?
  • Am I being a good listener and conveying that I do feel concern for their state of being and their needs?
  • Am I offering help with proper timing and with their needs considered?

If you find yourself reading these considerations, and gagging at the thought of putting them into action in a particular relationship, you might not be in a good relationship already. It might be time to move on from that relationship, but only you can answer that. If they seem challenging, but worth it, then you are on track for improving your stance in a solid relationship. Again, this can be any relationship, family, friend, or co-worker.

Again, this post was written merely because I noticed an overlapping trend, triggered by one particular pair of people in my life experience. I only hope for our society, our country, our world to reach more often for common ground and work toward common goals. Politics has definitely triggered that desire in me strongly, but my daily life reinforced it.

May we all find common ground and reach for common goals. May we all work together to solve problems and meet needs. May we find ways to better ourselves, and in that better our lives and the whole world. May we all have successful ventures and find a way to make ‘both’ happy. May we easily consider our actions on others and reach for ways to do better. May we all think of how our actions impact our daily existence in as many ways as possible. Finally, may we all reach for better.

Siva Hir Su

Is the bar is too high for you?

I’m sorry, but the bar has already been set by two people in my life, not to mention all of my life experience. You, half heartedly trying, just don’t seem to be able to reach it, it is obvious you think you can if you wanted to.

The bar is set by all these moments in my memory that showed genuine caring. You have not demonstrated any of them yet, if you are hesitating, it’s about to be too long. If you are holding back in fear of hurts, it will only lead to that. If you want love with me it has to be shown. My life taught me love by the way it feels, that’s what I’m looking for, and I am seeking only more of that.

Those moments, here’s a few to contemplate:

  • Fixing my drinks and food taking time to acknowledge all of the things I’ve learned about my body, so the nutrition comes without any nasty side effects.
  • The kind of caring that I could feel the energetic ripple of hurt and anguish when we both watched the semi-truck attack in France via Reddit.
  • Caring where we can sit for hours and talk not just about the weather and current events; but goals, hopes, dreams, and deeply held beliefs, and make plans, action steps, to accomplish some of them.
  • Acknowledgement that we do share an energetic connection both in good and bad, and of course the good arousal that comes with that. The deeper experience, not relying on mere good looks and physical attraction, and willingness to ride through the downs to enjoy spectacular ups.
  • The feel of comforting gestures of true concern, the caresses and embraces.
  • Taking time to find not just one, but many shared goals and dreams, a multiplicity of common ground, and the ensuing conversations of the many ways those could play out together in a shared experience.
  • A desire to love and be loved, shown through a myriad of small things that ultimately amounts to a desire to please me often just because you care.
  • Words of encouragement offered when I am down, but more a helping hand when you could otherwise easily opt out, and especially when you have a really good reason not to (Nathan helping at his pace, as he is able, instead of playing the ‘weak-heart card’ to get out of everything.)
  • A strong desire to have family with me and contribute to the growth of another human being with potential to help this world. A shared goal of being good parents and role models regardless of the massive amount of work and responsibility that entails. Even further, helping me when I have moments of failure in regards to that goal.
  • Moments where I am the lucky recipient of expressions of love, a desire to be with me, a desire to know everything about me, desires to have, hold, and support me and our connection. I rarely have to ask for those, and usually when I do, I’m the one having a weak moment where I can’t reach even recent memories of them.
  • The excitement of just getting to spend time with one, just the thought of getting to talk to one. Looking forward to togetherness.
  • The comfort of knowing I’m not alone.
  • The warmth of deep long hugs.
  • The smell of bouquets of flowers, healthy yummy foods, warm chocolate, and clean body next to mine.
  • The knowing that my support is received at some level of consequence, some sacrifice, that I’m honored in a moment over something else you wanted, I was the winner of your choice. My response will be eventually figuring out a way to reward you with both me and the thing you could have done. And knowing that my acknowledgement of that is reciprocated in like.
  • Holding my hand or other moments of affection, not afraid of demonstrating your love for me, because acceptance doesn’t deter your love.
  • Sharing moments of expressions of what we find beautiful in each other. Words do often matter because they are expressions of our feelings. Knowing we feel each other’s emotions, is given vivid highlights when those feelings find words on lips and in ears. The focus of the same vibration in two bodies, on 2 mouths, in 4 ears is wonderful. It becomes an amplification that welcomes more. [Side note: I bet that same amplification worked in group setting. Why do people pick sides and argue instead of finding common ground and expressions of caring?]
  • Helping me, or encouraging me, to keep my puzzle together or fix things when I lapse. That shows that you care about my well being. Sometimes being human means messing up and its effects are reduced when another shows that care. Life happens, no one is perfect, but being there for another makes it better.
  • Understanding when words fail. Words on ears can amplify good vibrations, but sometimes lips can’t find the right words. Being able to understand and respond to, what’s failing to be expressed, is immensely important. When joy is so great that silence calls and tears fall in everyone’s eyes the experience is still shared and amplified. When grief chokes a throat and tears fall, but are met with a gentle shoulder and hug, the grief is lessened. Those moments are our divinity gracing our lives. Those are our connection.
  • To feel another and know another on a level which others find disbelief, is a gift that everyone in this world deserves, but few rarely find, and even fewer can express to the hopeful.

I love deeply and soulfully, and I seek the same. All are still welcome in my life, as we associate with many people in many ways in our lifetimes. However, if love with me is desired, one has to allow that soulful connection to blossom. I prefer to look at blossoms. I prefer to hold blossoms. I may be occasionally easily distracted and frequently too busy to stop and smell the roses, but when I do they get my undivided attention for as long as I can spare (and sometimes I just want to be buried in all the roses).

Oh my, now what?!

This weekend brought a few hours to spare, and much unpacking and situating, even quite a bit of construction.

Saturday late-afternoon and evening I tackled our living room and I was able to get about half of it unpacked. I of course started with the prettiest and most meaningful parts to our experience. It meant that when I ran out of steam our living room was a beautiful spread of 2 altar spaces lit with glowing candles. One is the fireplace mantle and the other the top of the big bookcase. Before (in the rental) I had everything tightly organized onto just the bookcase, it worked, but I’m appreciative that I now have the extra mantle space. I feel it better serves the delineation between the different divine archetypes we work with. It felt very good to get the energy flowing in a very positive way again.

I also managed to get many (not all) of our pictures and family keepsakes hung. I sat with Nathan and Kids and had a long moment of tired but very satisfied appreciation. I was very grateful for this new home.

I was only slightly concerned that my inability to keep moving meant none of our books or important paperwork was dealt with. That will be dealt with in due time.

After my moment with family, I crashed for a good night’s sleep. I even ended up sleeping in a bit the next morning. I tried to get up at my usual time, and decided to do a meditation. My meditation ended with a cat curling up on my lap and then I dozed off again. I was reawakened by the same cat knocking the bouquet Nathan had gotten me, off the mantle. The adrenaline rush of jumping into action to clean up the puddle launched me into my second “day off” of action.

The rest of Sunday was a comical trip to Home Depot to purchase the carpet that Anya finally picked for the flooring of her room, and the following construction labors.

Home Depot is NOT my favorite hardware store, but it’s the closest one to our new home, which was vitally important for the purpose of the trip. It took me forever to find someone to cut the length of carpet I needed, but once complete and checked out they were nice enough to help load it into our car.

That was the comedic moment. See we drive a little red 4 door Mazda Prot├Ęge, And the carpet was a 12 foot long roll. I had to make the trip alone because the roll was slid in from the trunk all the way up to the front dashboard. Slid is an over simplification, more like shove, adjust, shove, adjust, repeat until it was in as far as possible. They sent the youngest teen boy to help and he was strong but not great at understanding what I needed of him. When all was said and done we got all but 4 feet of the roll in the car. I hung the appropriate red flag from the end and drove home with the trunk open to 28 degree weather.

Once home it was almost as comical to get the carpet out of the car and downstairs to Anya’s bedroom. The staircase is just inside the front door, but faces the bathroom and thus required bending the carpet roll to turn the corner into the bathroom.

Regardless, we succeeded and carpet was eventually installed.

Before putting the carpet down I did the drywall patch on the superfluous doorway and laid the carpet pad. I also installed two doors with appropriate framing. After the carpet was down and trimmed properly, I trimmed out her baseboards and doorway. The following pictures take you through that journey, from where the room started to when I finally ran out of steam.

Literally the only 4 things left for her room are: door kick-plate, door threshold strip, re-painting, and unpacking.

She was hesitant about the room initially, but as I figured it was because it was incomplete. Now she’s super excited since it looks and feels like a bedroom suite.

I do still have trim left to complete in her little half bath, and a few other odds and ends, but the most intense of the desired construction stuff is complete. It feels good to acknowledge that 2 weeks from close, the biggest chores have been tackled and completed. At this point we just have lots of boxes to sort and put away, some of which were in long-term storage so Nathan has already started a big box for donation items.

And today is Tuesday, the first chance I’ve had to write since then. It’s also the first chance I’ve had for serious self-care in about a week. SO, I’ve done cupping on my arms to get functionality back. I was seriously tight and sore from all the heavy work both in office and at home. My skin has soaked up 8 ounces of Mag-ahol, and post cupping I’m doing lots of arnica to take out the “attacked by octopus” look.

May you all have time to spare, speedy progress, and successful ventures in all respects. May you feel satisfied and appreciate your home. May you feel the gratitude of things going well, and see positive changes in your experience. May your tired be well earned and followed by ample rest and rejuvenation. May you have many blessings and much love.

Siva Hir Su