What do a tank top and a man have in common?
They’re both wifebeaters.
This post has been triggered by a combination of current social events in the USA, my current personal environment, and my past coming together in very uncomfortable ways for me and those around me. I am sorry for my part.
I should never have been born. Abused from conception via mothers womb, it got worse after my birth. So much that my memories are blurred. I mostly only remember moments outside of the home with other people, with very few moments of playing inside (usually alone or with just the brother closest in age), and nothing from my third year of life, which is when I suspect my few extremely vague memories of familial sexual abuse happened. I still to this day don’t know if it was my father or one of my older brothers. Only having one vocal memory of someone yelling “now go fuck your sister, it’ll shut her up”. I have no idea if that memory of words yelled, is actually connected to the sensation memories I have which leave me trembling in tears when they surface.
That combined with a broken wrist as a toddler, blamed on a window which was plausible, but how probable? Then add the known remembered physical abuses, and the one known and vividly remembered molestation by a ‘friend’ of my brother closest in age. Many of those things I have already written about in much older posts, but Nathan is the only one I’ve ever been able to talk to about it. There was also someone in the family that had a penchant for taking pictures of me sleeping, but only when my back was to the door. I told my mom I didn’t want any of those pictures, but somehow I still have an uncomfortable number of them, which when I see them trigger some of the burried memories.
My parents couldn’t fathom abortion, because they were indoctrinated that it was wrong. But I should have been. Abortion would have been kinder to me.
Yet God brought me into this world being abused from the start, and I am supposed to believe it will ever get better, that God even loves me. I should never have been born and I should be gone now. I deserved better every day of my awareness, and God has allowed it to keep going, abusing me in every way possible, even when I make conscious choices to avoid it. Such as, marrying a kinder gentler man, who then magically ends up with major health problems causing me to have to carry a massive burden alone.
I’m simply done with the abuses from a supposed divine force people call God’s will, which has no desire to make it end. Start a ball of abuse rolling before I even have eyes open and words on my tongue, and never bother to intervene and stop it.
So yes, then when society decides that women shouldn’t have any say, that they don’t deserve a choice. I am livid with everyone not actively doing something to fix it. This is wrong in every way imaginable. If a man carries or owns a gun, then he has no right to call himself pro-life. You can not cry about freedoms of keeping weapons of abuse and murder, and turn around and be angry that a woman sought a doctor’s assistance to end an unwanted pregnancy. There area many reasons that a pregnancy should end, and I know this deeply from the core of my being, because mine should have been one of them.
At this point I just want God to get it over with. You brought me here to abuse and misuse me, and you should have just killed me from the start, so get it over with and kill me now.
And to anyone else that reads this, especially if you are in my close awareness, if I die or commit suicide at any point for any reason, please make sure Nathan gets my kidneys. He deserves better too.
I thought I could stop the abuses and find normal, but the longer I’m alive and working, the less I believe it is possible. Hundreds of women in my career, maybe even thousands if I really counted, and nearly every one of them I’ve seen and felt the aftermath of a variety of abuses they carry for decades. In fact in my 15 year career I can only count one that did not show any signs or symptoms of any abuse, and she was under 30. I’m 39 and I have seen abuse being carried in the bodies of women over twice my age. I may never escape the damages that were done, and God’s will is in no hurry to fix anything for anyone, so why do any of us listen to it?