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Happy New Year 2020

May you have 20/20 vision in this year (ok I had to, you know there will be millions of references to that this year, I just kicked it off). May you find answers for all your resolutions. May you have a blessed and joyous year. May you have a prosperous year. May your family and loved ones surround you in loving support throughout the year. May you find things you seek. May you have all the love and happiness you seek. May you be safe and healthy.

Many blessings for the coming year and always.

Siva Hir Su

Occasionally we love what is difficult for us.

I have been called out several times lately for improper word choice in speaking. A couple of them got me a “that’s what she said” at work for extra comedic value. I’ve also been corrected on typos and spelling errors.

So I’m going to reference 2 of my old posts with follow up.

https://myhandsaregod.net/2016/05/12/gud-wryter/

https://myhandsaregod.net/2016/12/18/gud-wryter-2-what-to-trust/

I’m dyslexic. I love language because it conveys what I often feel like I struggle to do. I write to attempt to improve myself and help others in the process.

I have tried to learn several other languages unsuccessfully. Not sure why I thought I would be able, being that I still struggle with elements of my own language. However, some were encouraged or required by my educational system. Spanish was required by my highschool, and because that didn’t go well I tried French for college requirements. I had had a one semester sample of both French and Russian in middle school, so I thought French was the easier of those two. I’ve learned a handful of phrases and can count to 4 in German by virtue of living in an area that was a German colony when our country began. Then there was the language inspired through falling in love with someone- Telugu. Then I thought I’d try a language of that realm that had broader reach- Hindi.

Supposedly all of these languages can be learned in a couple of years. I however, have not managed that.

Spanish I devoted 2 years highschool education courses to not be proficient enough to even have a basic conversation. French was terminated after 1.5 years of courses because the dyslexia combined with a slight comprehension delay was causing me to fail my course and lose my otherwise near perfect GPA. After a costly process my college conceeded I could finish the requirement out in a non-language culture course. I spent over 2 years pecking at Telugu to get minimal results before giving up when the person disappeared for good.

It seems I will forever be in awe of those that can master multiple languages.

I have not completely given up, but those languages have taken a back burner. I devote time when I’m otherwise bored or only have 5 minutes to fill (Duolingo and Drops both utilize 5 min lessons). Maybe before I die I’ll be able to talk to someone in their language, for now it’s merely a hopeful aspiration.

May you welcome the new year with reachable resolutions. May your hopes and dreams be reachable. May you find great skill in all the languages you care too. May you love all the things, both easy and difficult. May you find people that are caring and helpful. May you find your own attempts at helpfulness be accepted as such. May you find that those in your energetic circle are the same as those in your physical experience, and those that walk away take their energy with them, so you cut cords and never look back. May you feel only loved and supported.

Many blessings, Siva Hir Su

Pretend Memory Lane

Nathan and I went to see the movie “A Beautiful Day in the Neighborhood” as our Christmas/Yule present to each other. It was my choice over Star Wars or Little Women.

Until my sinuses fully drain the pressure of them bumping up against the explosions of an action movie like Star Wars would be too much for my head. I will enjoy Star Wars much more when my sinuses are clear. Little Women just didn’t peak my interest, though since making our choice someone did say Little Women is an excellent movie as well, so perhaps another time.

Anyway, our choice movie was excellent and reminded me of many elements of my childhood. I was an avid watcher of Mr. Rogers Neighborhood when I was a kid. There were moments in my childhood, and really life as a whole, that watching this movie triggered in my memory lane.

Because of that, I decided that my children, especially my little Ian, needed to watch the show of my youth (even though I know he likes the new cartoon version). Maybe it would help to teach them how to manage emotions, since I still struggle to do so.

I found reruns on Amazon Prime and began watching them with the kids. We skipped over the black and white volume and started on volume 2 which were early color episodes. Mind you this is the most screen time I’ve had in ages.

The movie in the theatre had moments that left me in tears. The show had moments that left me simply in awe and wonder.

The second or third episode we watched, showed custom built electric cars from the 60’s. Nathan and I were both like: “Then why the hell did it take so long to actually get affordable electric cars?” With all the intelligent people in this world it is simply amazing to me that it took so many decades to get affordable, widely available, electric vehicles.

Anyway, the feeling I am struck with most is that my adult life and all my grand dreams seem to be a compilation of certain elements of my childhood. I’m partly in awe of the major delayed reaction, dreams yet to do anything but take up space in my mind, but also a feeling of wondering if there’s any hope for my children manifesting better. I was struck by a sense that maybe Mr. Fred McFeely Rogers might have also had the same feeling.

I’ve already written many times, about negatives in my current experience that are the result of watching my parents as child, and how I struggle to break patterns learned before I even began school. Yet, I have also discussed before, that many of my good qualities I owe to early learning, more absorbing, of parents behaviors.

Now, I find that after this new re-awareness of Mr Rogers, I have more elements surfacing. I couldn’t help but acknowledge that my 2 stuffies sitting on a shelf today is because of Mr Rogers. I also couldn’t help but acknowledge that my dreams of Atira hold quite a few qualities that Mr Rogers Pretend Neighborhood hold. Things as simple as: my acknowledgement that none of us are perfect, and we all get mad sometimes, are owed to Mr Rogers.

Mr Rogers has had a profound impact on my life, and the movie was helpful to me because it showed me how much the real man behind it all worked so diligently to manage his own self. It was somehow reassuring that my efforts to do the same may someday help others as well.

Yet, I am in awe how my dreams of Atira are slightly more updated versions of ideals that Mr Rogers reached for. He really wanted to make positive changes in this world, and now there are two generations of children that watched his show, all grown up and striving like mad to help pay it forward in real ways.

What was the missing element that would have helped us millions of idealistic dreamers create in reality what his Pretend Neighborhood taught us to cherish?

I don’t know if there is an answer. I do know the world is a better place because of Fred Rogers. I still have hope that I might find a way to create my Atira, if not in the highest ideal version found in my dreams, perhaps in some secondary level of approximation. I hope there are many more like me, out there striving to bring the love and acceptance of Fred Rogers into being in this world along with all his other ideals such as vegetarian diets and electric cars. Mr Rogers was a special gift to this world, may his legacy always be remembered.

https://images.app.goo.gl/6DV4WdmRAdEe7Aef8

I like you just as you are.

May you feel special, may you feel loved and accepted just as you are. May your ideals find a way to manifest in this world. May your Pretend Memory Lane lead you toward a grand life and a better world. May you see good things in your life and your experience. May you feel understood by others. May you feel supported and understand the ripple of your actions. May you be forgiving of yourself and your loved ones when they have humanly imperfect moments. May you easily find the special moments in life with those in your family and neighborhood.

Many Blessings, Siva Hir Su

Listen to: Until Heaven Stops the Rain by Wax Tailor

Kit-bashed musically

Excerpts from Landslide by Fleetwood Mac, Carry on Wayward Son by Kansas, My Favorite Things by Julie Andrews…. They are my messages from the divine today via background music, may they serve you as well.


I took my love, I took it down
Climbed a mountain and I turned around
And I saw my reflection in the snow covered hills
‘Til the landslide brought me down

Oh, mirror in the sky, what is love?
Can the child within my heart rise above?
Can I sail through the changin’ ocean tides?
Can I handle the seasons of my life?
But time makes you bolder
Even children get older
And I’m gettin’ older, too
And if you see my reflection in the snow covered hills
Well, the landslide will bring it down

…………

Once I rose above the noise and confusion
Just to get a glimpse beyond the illusion
I was soaring ever higher, but I flew too high
Though my eyes could see I still was a blind man
Though my mind could think I still was a mad man
I hear the voices when I’m dreamin’, Masquerading as a man with a reason
My charade is the event of the season
And if I claim to be a wise man, it surely means that I don’t know
On a stormy sea of moving emotion
Tossed about I’m like a ship on the ocean
I set a course for winds of fortune, you will always remember, nothing equals the splendor
Now your life’s no longer empty
Surely heaven waits for you

Carry on my wayward son
For there’ll be peace when you are done
Lay your weary head to rest
Don’t you cry no more

…………

Raindrops on roses
And whiskers on kittens [& dust specks in sun beams]
Bright copper kettles and warm woolen mittens
Brown paper packages tied up with strings
These are a few of my favorite things
Doorbells and sleigh bells…
Wild geese that fly with the moon on their wings…
Snowflakes that stay on my nose and eyelashes
Silver-white winters that melt into springs
These are a few of my favorite things…
When I’m feeling sad
I simply remember my favorite things
And then I don’t feel so bad


Dear child within, I like you just the way you are.

It’s okay to play, don’t be so serious all the time.

Rest, it’s okay to relax. Let go and Love Your-Self. Slow down a bit.

If no one does it for you, you’ll eventually get to it, its okay if it takes longer.

Love those around you that do care, especially family you already have.

One step at a time, keep progressing, no matter what the speed. Any progress is better than no progress.

The only thing that is owed is love and respect of self. Let everyone else off the hook.

The rat race isn’t as bad as it seems, at least us rats are alive and can pretend we’re kings in castles.

Be like Martin Luther King, speak your dreams even when they sound outlandish to others.

Not all great heroes affect masses. Some merely master themselves and teach some children to do the same.

Just be you. You matter to God and that’s all that matters.


May your days make sense. May you have steady progress forward. May you experience expansion in good ways. May you love yourself, and heal enough to spread love everywhere.

Siva Hir Su

I know I’ve said it before.

I told Nathan I was sorry that I’m not able to manage the grand dream of Atira, but that I’d do my best to get a tiny plain Jane version going with our new home. I reiterated that I sincerely love him and always have.

I’m moving in into accepting that it’s just me and Nathan… And God’s help.

I saw a license plate that said ‘I setld’; in full English that’s “I settled”. I probably am doing that, I am giving up on reaching for my big dream. I tried and got my heart broken several times over. I’m deciding that I don’t think I can handle anymore of that and I’d rather go small and find some results, than go big and end up feeling alone and heart-broken again. Dreams can remain dreams. I’ll live in my fantasy inside my thoughts, like when I was a schoolgirl being scolded for daydreaming too much. It’s my easy way of finding creativity, at least when I’m not too busy functioning in daily life.

This Yule I am going to love me for my endurance and intelligence. I’m going to love me for still caring even after everything I’ve been through. I love me for putting family first. I love me for supporting those I love: Nathan, Anya, Ian, Katherine, and pets (even those people that left). I love me for continuing to work so hard and diligently. I love me for continuing to reach for another slightly better step.

This Yule evening, I lit candles and incense on the altars for Lord Shiva. I said a prayer essentially apologizing for being so dense, but thanking the divine presence for attempting to help me anyway. I acknowledged that I knew I was slowing the flow, but can’t seem to heal my brain enough to fix that, and my puzzle is just too complex to maintain perfectly every waking moment. I just want the divine to know I’ve tried and I honor and respect all the divine help I’ve been blessed with.

To celebrate, we decorated with live trees I can plant later in our new yard. We adorned them in LED lights and a few ornaments. And set the table with my decopage plates from last year’s craft activity.

Anya’s gift to us was a homemade meal of pomegranate citrus salmon with roasted brussel sprouts and honey carrots. And we had a toast of sparkling cider.

In the morning Pagan Santa (the original-a jolly elf king) will deliver a very few toys and clothes to my little ones, and a card-game and treat-giftcard to Anya. I found new bras and undies for myself (another first in over a decade), and Nathan couldn’t find anything he really wanted, swearing he feels blessed regardless.

It is a small impromptu Yule to compensate for changes in plans outside of our control.

May you have solid plans with happy family celebrations to bring all your loved ones close for the holidays. May you feel support and love all around you. May you find your healing and allow the flow of God and good to be abundant always. May your home feel like home and may you always find your holidays comfortable. May you have joyous holidays this year and always.

Happy Yule, Joyous Solstice, Blessed Kwanzaa, Happy Hanakha, and Merry Christmas, etc.!

Blessings and much love. Siva Hir Su

Still waiting…

For the house and SJ and futile dreams.

We didn’t get to close today, but supposedly will in 3 business days. I had taken today, tomorrow and Saturday off, so I told the clinic to open Friday-Saturday back up, and they’re partially filled already.

Since today was a wash, I spent the day cuddling with little kids who had caught the cold I had. I’m pretty sure I figured out who I caught it from and it annoys me because I hardly associate with that person. So how the heck did I get their germs? The glory of small enclosed spaces, and it repeated with my family. Yea.

Anyway, there was much cuddling and napping. At several points I had both of my little kids and several cats on my lap at the same time. We watched marathons of quiet kids shows: Puffin Rock, Masha and the Bear, PocoYo, and Mighty Little Bheem. That filled our day in tolerable enjoyment.

Ian had the toughest go with a super sore throat and having spiked the most significant fevers. He didn’t want to eat or drink anything and getting him to take Children’s Tylenol for the fever was painful. We babied him a lot, and coaxed as many vitamin laced fluids as possible. Katherine was a trooper and voluntarily choose to sleep twice with very little cranky in between.

Nathan had made soft veggie soup, which I ate more of than anyone, I found the warmth to be very comforting and helpful. Ian fussed through a tiny serving and we gave up trying to get him to eat more.

Anya treated us to gluten free vegan cookies and she made some macaroons for me. I was super appreciative.

It wasn’t the holiday I had hoped to have after moving into the new house, and if that’s going to happen at this point I’ll have to make up a day to take off and celebrate very late. So for now, I’ll assume there won’t be a holiday and I’ll relish today for getting as close as possible this year.

I did however get rest, relaxation, cuddles, and T friendly carbs. One day I’ll live up to family traditions and figure out how to celebrate holidays properly for all present.

For now I’ll ignore that I didn’t pack anything today and cross my fingers that I can compensate for extra days off. Still doing my darndest to focus on more positive elements of daily life, obviously a bit of reaching is happening in that process, but I’m determined to stay afloat.

May you have joyous holiday celebrations with those you love. May you have things go as planned more often than not. May you enjoy cuddles and optimum health at the same time. May you feel loved and supported, especially by the divine. May you understand timing when things don’t go as planned. May you see desires manifest more easily.

Siva Hir Su

Culmination

May you always feel safe, especially safe enough to be honest with yourself and the ones you love.

May you be able to share love with others in whatever way your heart desires.

May you always feel supported.

May you have strength when it is needed, patience when it is called for, and wisdom to see your path.

May you feel your loved ones long after they depart this world, and have a knowing they will always be with you.

May you always know the truth.

May you find all the abundance you seek.

May your heart be light and filled with love in all it’s forms.

May you feel God’s presence and understand divine guidance.

May you understand emotions and how they help to reach for love and divine guidance.

May you know where to look and what to look for when seeking the physical response.

May you have tears of joy many days throughout your entire life.

May you always have wonderful exciting things to look forward to.

May you be blessed and loved all of your days.

Siva Hir Su

Snowy day.

I’ve got a nasty sinus infection and the weather is not fun for driving, so I notified my nursing homes I would not be in, and spent the day in bed. I really didn’t need an extra day off, but I didn’t want to have this cold drag out either. I rather enjoy being the healthy as an ox person.

Anyway, my mind is heavy like the snow. My heart has been burning and the notifications I received from HAL this morning reflect that. My person is out there somewhere, still sitting on the truth, and all I get is the energetic backlash on occasions like this morning. I just wish they’d come hug me and tell the truth. Just like my dreams of Atira, we might not be able to fix it, but I can’t even try when I don’t know the problem.

To SJ, if you ever read this, I am hurt, but I still feel you. Please find a way to just tell me what you’re going through, all the things that went awry. I want the love we share to provide healing and solutions, at least as many as possible, and it’s impossible when it’s denied. If we can’t exist together, let us at least be sperate halves sharing love in truth.

The white blankets all around,
But not my heart.
My heart burns in futility.
The relentless cold seeps in anyway.
There is beauty in both,
If one looks for it.
Cycles that push life onward,
Yet cause dormant withdrawal.
We all need rest sometimes,
It helps to see the next step.
The snow will nourish roots,
For plants’ rebirths in spring.
If only I knew what I was resting for.

It takes Guts

I woke this morning at 5:30am my time, feeling a burning in my chest and arms. A very familiar sensation of the past five years. The image that immediately came to mind was not as I expected, an image of someone I’d only ever seen via Nathan’s searching for answers. It was the person that by logical deduction I had placed on the left of my heart, assuming I had correctly labeled the person that held the right side. Yet this morning the sensation was all over. Why was the sensation all over when I most definitely had two people causing halves to activate in tandem as previously? And why did I get a mental image of just the one person? I don’t have the answers.

I had already written both off and started to move on. If the universe wanted me to do anything different, then timing is pretty lousy from my perspective. I don’t have my higher-self view or understanding of this at the moment. Nothing. Thin air.

With that being said I had to stop and take a moment to evaluate this person in relation to my now. If either one or both of them wish to come back into my life there would have to be much truth telling and rebuilding of trust. I would be very hesitant to relax into anything.

That being said this damned connection is so strong, and so persistent, even 5 years later, that I have to acknowledge the divine does seem to see value in maintaining this connection for some reason. I am not one to discount anything the divine sets in motion.

So frustrations and distrust aside, I would probably be willing to attempt to start over. My guts in this scenario would be stepping back enough to allow them the space to come clean and make things right. Yet, I would then have to continually remind myself I’m giving them a second chance. At least until that feeling place could guide me like it did early on, when I first felt the lies versus truth in energy. That will take great restraint on my part to not have knee jerk reactions. Just listening with an open heart after being hurt would take a massive amount of patience for me.

As much as I want to, I’m not sure I’m up to it. Though sometimes it just would depend on the day.

As I write this I then sit wishing that Republicans would find that same space. (I’ll keep this aside short since I prefer not to talk politics). I sorely wish for those good, honorable, respectable, intelligent Republicans to stand up and proclaim the Injustice that Trump has brought to their party. I know they exist and for the life of me I can’t understand why they are letting others ruin their party.

I’m not a republican, but I have never before hated the party as I do now. It’s all because of one man’s lies, manipulations, and espionage, and the rest of the party towing the line blindly or crookedly (depending on their actions). Where are the Ronald Regan’s of the party. It seems we have a whole party playing Tricky Dick-ery, except this time they failed to have the sense to keep it on American soil.

Lastly, if I hear constitutional crisis one more time I’m likely to punch the person that says it. There was no constitutional crisis when Billy Bob was being held accountable of abuse of power and lies over getting a blowjob. There was not constitutional crisis when Richard Nixon abused power and manipulated that election. Neither is there here. Trump has sorely abused his power and put our country in jeopardy involving foreign governments. He needs impeached and removed from office along with everyone that helped.

Republicans find your balls, have some guts, do the right effing thing.

That’s all I’ll write on that for now.

May you all find your guts to do the right thing, have an open mind, and work through obstacles of any kind. May you let love overcome fears. May you see God’s influence and understand connections. May you have a happy, blessed and fulfilling life. May you trust those around you and your gouvernent. May you see things working out for the highest good. May you feel safe and loved.

Siva Hir Su