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Wowsers.

Two humorous but kinda astonishing tidbits from the last 24 hours.

1) Yesterday after work Nathan and I went to the grocery store and ordered Chinese while there. I went to pick up the order and meet him at the car after we both checked out. On the way back to the car, carrying a very large bag of takeout and still wearing scrubs, I was hit on. A 30 something black man dressed like Tupac said “Hey there doctor lady, how you doin’?”. I replied “Doing ok, but I’m not a doctor.” He said “Where’s your wedding band?” I replied “My tattoo is my wedding ring.” He said “That’s respectable.” I kept walking, never having broken stride.

I later laughed with Nathan in the car. I was flabbergasted, and said “Did he really think that was going to work?!” Nathan reminded me of the many people that treat passes like a game of darts or the lottery- at some point one should surely stick. I was sad for the woman that would fall for his line. Despite having complete freedom to act on such an offer, I was so annoyed and appalled at his attempted pick-up lines that I couldn’t have even remotely wanted to. I reminded the universe that I have always wanted quality over quantity. He was most definitely not quality, I’m much happier with the black man I do have, and would rather like some quality partners like Nathan, especially at least one woman. Despite enjoying the moment of being hit on, it was of more value as an amusing clarifying experience.

2) Amazement! My little Katherine is a bonified cat girl.

Nathan tried to put her in the crib 3 times this evening. She wouldn’t go down without a fight.

The struggle started with holding his shirt and reaching a foot to the crib rail.

Finally her got her in and I went to hug him and Ian before bedtime rituals began. As we were in our group hug she climbed out and we turned around just in time to see her like this on the rails.

We put her back in the crib, got the camera cued up and waited. She wouldn’t do it again until we turned around. So she again was perched atop rails before I got pictures.

We reset, we wanted to catch her in the act. Again she wouldn’t do it for us. I stowed the phone but didn’t turn around. She finally started climbing. She was wedging her feet and calves between the verticle rails and inching up enough to get one foot up on the top of the rail. She was so fast I didn’t get a shot of that moment and ended up with a third round of her standing on the side of the crib!

Jimminey Freaking Christmas! What are we going to do with a cat baby that refuses to talk! There isn’t anything she can’t do physically now. I really would like for her to start talking.

May you have amusing moments of clarification. May you be happy for your children’s milestones, even when they scare the crap out of you. May you know how to handle your super smart, born tech ready, children. May you always have quality over quantity. May you enjoy and appreciate the qualities in you that lead to the myriad of moments like these two. May you know you are loved and supported. May you appreciate the good aspects of all moments.

Siva Hir Su

List of positive aspects.

Abraham has been reminding me to get off of those things that bother me and focus on what I do want and enjoy.

Yet it seems that I may have been reeled back in. When I was considering resignation I’d had a conversation with my manager about how the residents were dieing from inactivity and the virus didn’t matter. They were not being saved from anything, and I did not desire to participate in the fallacy anymore. After I submitted my resignation they countered with adjustments that the building was making to help avoid the decline and asked if I would stay. I countered again with a statement that I could not in good conscience keep reprimanding adults like clueless children, that they are able to make decisions regarding risk and I respect and honor that. We will see if they still want me knowing I will not separate residents that are not doing exactly as dictated by external rules.

For now I will focus on positive aspects of all the things I love and appreciate:

  • I enjoy helping a community that feels like extended family.
  • I am very appreciative that my opinions, observations, and ethics are respected and honored.
  • I enjoy seeing the residents happy and feeling good.
  • I enjoy knowing that the residents are generally enjoying life and their retirement.
  • I enjoy knowing that they are finally finding ways to allow others to be of assistance and allowing God to meet their needs.
  • I enjoy quality conversations with the residents, especially when there is genuine concern and/or connection.
  • I love knowing that the residents do still want to really LIVE and have and make choices. They want free will and a reason to keep co-creating.
  • I really appreciate that most of the residents want to stay healthy and they are beginning to understand that is more than just avoiding disease.
  • I understand that like me they sometimes have mixed desires that seem to cause conflict, but I know it is possible for us all to allow God to find the solution for our “both” moments.
  • I love seeing their smiles and really appreciate that they come out in larger numbers to see me when I’m there.
  • I love the residents and I am very glad that they love me too.
  • I know they want to find the balance where they still enjoy the end of their life with a better knowing they are safe. I know they would rather be joyful than afraid.
  • I know we all know how to reach for better and that they want to. They will find a way to soothe themselves and return to enjoying life. They will find their quality of life again.
  • I appreciate they are wanting to find a way back to joy and enjoyment.
    • “H” will bake for others again.
    • Happy hours will return soon.
    • Bingo and church will find a way to resume safely.
    • “P” will garden and kibitz like always.
    • “B” will stir discussions as usual.
    • “J” will lead Bible study and help everyone soothe their frayed nerves.
    • “M” will light up the lobby with her smiles and chat with everyone that is willing.
  • I love knowing I am wanted and respected.
  • New residents will finally be able to meet their neighbors and make friends.
  • I extremely appreciate that we all now have a new understanding and appreciation for the freedoms we had 3 months ago.
  • I love that people are coming together to protect our freedoms.
  • I love that there are many voices of reason that are finally being acknowledged.
  • I love that people are now grasping a better understanding of what really helps maintain health and knowing that we need reasons to live to stay healthy, virus or not.
  • I am grateful that even within my residents there were those that were not afraid and wanted to stay as active as possible.
    • “N” went for drives every day.
    • Some kept appointments even though it meant staying in their rooms otherwise.
    • “G” went for walks and drives depending on the day.
    • “S” went for runs, and an 86 year old running is to be congratulated every day!!!
    • Many enjoyed patio time, even when the building was instructed to remove patio furniture.
    • Several elected to stay with family during this time.
  • I am grateful that those with more overall health concerns had family or paid caregivers to look after them and help them maintain their buoyancy and keep them from declining too fast. There was someone for them that cared about their overall well being and made sure the whole picture was accounted for. I wished everyone had had that.
  • I am grateful that everyone was safe, staff did become extra cautious with sanitization efforts, and those that needed healthcare did have access to what was needed.
  • I am grateful that the only lives lost were those that were already headed to their final days.
  • I am grateful that there will be more efforts at reversing or slowing the decline of those that suffered from the inactivity.

Also, positive aspect of other points in my life:

  • I enjoy working with those focused on living and enjoying life.
  • I enjoy knowing that there are many people focused on true health and that my efforts are on the right track.
  • I like sharing information on things that promote genuine health.
  • I like finding common ground with those around me.
  • I am super appreciative that there are enough people focused on better that the world is beginning to turn around, especially enough that we may have avoided a collective co-creation of something worse.
  • I am grateful that acute traumas and diseases are treatable and that even when dis-ease causes a problem there are medical tools to help people regain health.
  • I look forward to a day when medicine finds better solutions for non-acute disease in the same way.
  • I am grateful that I made it through all of this mess with minimal inconveniences.
  • I realized today, after being reminded my contract check was available, that I have managed to find a stable vibration of feeling fairly financially secure. I’m no longer so worried about finances that I find myself impatient for payday. I look forward to even more financial improvement.
  • I’m grateful that this disease was not as bad as projected. It was a very powerful learning tool for the future. Perhaps we will learn how to sustainably control disease easier so that future new diseases are no more bothersome than our yearly flu season. I hope we also learn from this and figure out testing and preemeptive actions much more quickly, to act before half the population already had it and got well.
  • I enjoy taking about cool new things that are being discovered and developed, conversations about leading edge thought and adventures.
  • I enjoy seeing my kids having fun and smiling.
  • I love spending time loving on my family, even/especially my furry four legged ones.
  • I have greatly enjoyed working on my wiggly becoming beautiful garden.
  • I love sunshine and sunny weather.
  • I love feeling safe and secure.
  • I love feeling supported.
  • I love being appreciated.
  • I love me and acknowledge more and more often decisions are made because I love myself enough to honor myself and I deserve the easier less painful route.
  • I am grateful that I love myself enough to take care of myself and improve my body because I know it is God’s temple.
  • I love feeling better and better.
  • I love feeling ease and feeling healthy.
  • I am grateful I have the intelligence, strength, perseverance, and divine connection to inspired thought to fix my own health.
  • I love knowing that I have a unique perspective that is grounded. As one of my favorite residents put it: “you are a sensitive soul, but grounded enough to see how things fit, we’ll miss you if you leave”.
  • I love that I love, even when it didn’t work out the way I wanted.
  • I love music, singing, playing piano, even just listening to it.
  • I love art, it lets me easily create beauty to add to this wonderful world.
  • I love mother nature, without our planet we would all die. I enjoy camping and hiking, and just even sitting listening to birds chirp ans thé wind blow.
  • I love flowers and all the pretty things that this world produces. I look forward to my garden blooming and wish I had enough money and space for some of every flower. That would be so beautiful.
  • Even though the squirrels and rabbits keep eating my plants I still think they are cute and I’m glad they exist. I like watching them when they aren’t eating my garden.
  • I love sitting on my porch swing watching kids and birds and pets play and frolic in beautiful weather.
  • I love experiencing all the wonderful parts of our world and look forward to many more wonderful adventures in my life.
  • I love knowing I am having a positive impact on the world and that my thoughts, words and deeds have a ripple effect that helps people I don’t even know.
  • I appreciate that my human-ness is perfectly wonderful to God, flaws and all.
  • I am glad that my good moments now outweigh my past no so good moments.
  • I am grateful that I am able to honor myself more and more, that I see more strengths than weaknesses, that I am seeing improvement in many ways, that I am becoming a better person.

May you have rampages of appreciation. May you see your own value enough to honor yourself. May you find enjoyment in life, more often than not. May you love yourself and the universe. May you love mother nature and find ways to appreciate and support our connection with the Earth. May you find your moments of joy and your love of others. May you see all the positives and ignore all of the negatives. May you feel and foster your connection to the divine. “May the force be with you.”

Siva Hir Su

I’ll leave you with some pictures of my beautiful gardens and family.

Catch 22

Having a moment of indecisive.

Between my inner knowing and an Abraham quote from earlier today, I’m feeling like I need to quit filling in at the independent living center I used to work full-time for.

Yet, I love many of the residents and know I will miss them dearly.

I simply can not keep subjecting myself to so many people living in fear. It is heart breaking watching them deteriorate at light speed because the lack of social interaction is literally causing brain atrophy. I’ve had several residents go from mild forgetfulness to full dementia in the 2 months that Covid lockdowns have been in play. They don’t see their extremely fast decline, all the see is they might get sick. They only know the fear and the “blah blah blah” that they’ve been fed over and over again. They don’t see their inability to walk any distance when 3 months ago they went on shopping excursions with no problem. They don’t see how fast they’ve lost their eyesight, their hearing, their general mobility, because they are doing nothing needing those qualities. They have no reason for their body to live, to do anything, so they’re dieing each and every day they continue to be locked up.

Yet when you ask if they are willing to live like this for the rest of their lives, no matter how many years that is, they respond with “well no”. Yet they believe that if they stay sequestered they will magically never get sick. One resident doesn’t want to live even another year or two, but it’s still terrifying for her to think about getting sick. Another has knees that hurt so bad she has trouble walking downstairs to the lobby, but is terrified she might get sick.

It is so sad.

Even more I can’t handle being told to enforce rules and regulations that I know are illogical. For example: requiring a mask and social distancing- both at the same time is unnecessary, so I feel no reason to treat intelligent adults as toddlers and scold them for only doing one. If I see a cluster of people sitting outside talking, they’re all residents of the building, and all wearing masks, then there is no reason to go break them up like naughty children doing something wrong. Yet that is what I’m expected to do. I have done my best to ignore situations like that to have other staff go and do it like they’re making a point.

Why are we degrading humans in this way? Why are we hating each other in such horrible ways and convincing everyone it’s for safety. Why have us humans turned each other into prisoners? And why is everyone seemingly so okay with this?

This disease has a statistical risk lower than that of vaccines (except where people have extreme poverty and no healthcare), but we continue to treat humans as prisoners in the name of safety.

And I’m labeled a “Hero” for punishing able bodied adults that have enough of a mind to make their own decisions. I’m labeled a “Hero” because I sit at a front desk doing arbitrary tasks that don’t really solve anything. I’m labeled a “Hero” for delivering a meal from family, when I know the resident would rather just be with the family, still living life, if not for the fear that has been drilled into their now failing brain because of big media and illogical regulations.

I’m not a hero. Heros fix things, heros save the world. I can’t save anyone in my role with this company, and I keep watching them die right in front of my eyes from lack of real living.

What’s worse is all of the spouses that have been sperated because of non-viral emergencies. One might be dieing because of sepsis and aspiration pneumonia from advanced stages of MS, but his able bodied wife isn’t allowed to go see him in the hospital. I’m no hero, and everyone involved in keeping that family apart should be appalled at their role. None of them are heros. Yet it’s the 8th such situation with just this one building’s residents during Covid rules. It’s appalling.

I simply can’t tolerate this behavior. I can’t seem to bring myself to continue playing any role in this. I will not allow myself to be called a hero when I am most definitely not. A hero really saves lives, a hero really helps people. Keeping families apart in death beds is wrong and entirely the opposite. Western medicine is not fixing anything. They are causing fear and hatred, and ripping families apart when the bonds of love are needed the most.

If someone is dieing of cancer their family has every right to be there. All of them. But no, only 2 at a time and you must be masked even though you’re all family and Grammy is already dieing. It’s wrong.

I just don’t understand why I’m the only one to see it. Why am I the only one who sees the damage and wants to change it?

I don’t know what to do. I love them, but simply can’t participate in this world. My conscious will eat me alive if I continue to keep doing this.

May you have better days. May you know your strengths and be able to use them. May you feel like you are helping. May you be able to make change when it is needed. May you be of greater assistance when it is needed. May you know how to improve horrible situations. May all our light shine bright and lift this world up. May families be reunited and loved ones able to hold each other when it is needed most. May we all be able to live to our fullest at any age. May we have our freedoms restored. May you know God loves and supports you in any decision you make.

Siva Hir Su

Update: A spider got in my pants leg and bit the crap out of my leg. I’ve got a dozen welts on my lower right leg that I’ve treated to avoid infection. I took the hint from spider. It couldn’t just sit down beside me again, no it had to make sure I got the message loud and clear. This job is hurting me emotionally and I can’t stand seeing people I love so misguided by fear that they are choosing not to live. I can’t watch people slowly kill themselves through inactivity because they have nothing to do and nothing to live for. I will be turning in my resignation. My ethics and my emotional stability are worth far more than a few hundred a month in extra shifts.