Category Archives: reality check

Letting dreams be dreams.

So I have come to a place of resignation. My humanly efforts will likely never get me to my great grand dreams of Atira. So I’m letting them remain dreams while I work with the here and now in front of me. Assuming they will always be dreams, and were never actually intended to come true, somehow takes the sting out of their feeling so far out of reach.

Anyway, I put a lot of time on my grand dome home design last night, and some more today. I used it as a distraction from a hiccup in the mortgage process for our good enough home. ( I’ll post images of the dome designs last.)

Essentially, even though I single-handedly supported and kept my family with a roof over their heads for the last decade, it came down to needing a cosigner. I make enough for the loan amount we requested, but because I took a “real job” for most of the last 2.5 years it affected my self-employment income levels. They can’t count the job because I’m no longer full time there, but they can’t count previous tax returns for the same reason. It came down to 3 options.

1. Fully audited profit and loss costing 10 grand and taking 30 days, but which would prove beyond a shadow of a doubt that I made as much as I say I did.

2. Start over with another mortgage company and risk losing our choice house because the seller might not agree to time extension.

3. Scramble to find and file paperwork for a cosigner, and cross fingers we make it through completely by Thursday this week.

Nathan’s dad agreed to facilitate the third long enough to enable doing a refinance ASAP later.

Which, by the way, I will not use the mortgage company we chose at the start of this process. I was livid that this current company didn’t catch this hiccup right away. I would not have paid for the inspection and thus not have gotten attached to buying a home until after this year’s taxes had been filed, and then could be counted without using a costly time consuming process.

As it is, I spent 2 days doing everything I would for my taxes for them to say they really needed the audit. Then I oscillated between livid angry shakes and wanting to cry because all my efforts still don’t matter to anyone else. I screamed a few times when alone, and ranted at the mortgage broker twice over the phone for her fuck-up.

At this point we’re half packed and I have already set plans in motion for the logistics of the move and post move. Not to mention having taken 4 days off of work when holidays are already eating 2.5 days. So, I find myself convincing my brain that it will work out, and we’ll move on-time for a Happy Yule and Merry Christmas. When that slips, I switch to a pleasant distraction or meditation, and occasional pacing.

I am determined that not only am I getting this home on time, I will also have it paid for in full in 5 years or less. On my own.

There is an element of wishing I had my other person, my significant-other. As much as I feel good about eventually finding the “HA I did it myself!”- especially knowing I do always get to see that light; there is another much larger part wishing I didn’t have to work so hard to prove my deserving-ness to others. Like really, if the damned mortgage broker had paid attention, this process could have waited 5 months and been much smoother on me. Yet, if there was a significant-other that was part of the family, then the cosigner would have been an original intention with extra legal protections for that person, not a last minute back-up plan. There are just so many ways this could have gone better and easier, but alas I have no significant-other life-partner at this time, AND I got the crappy mortgage broker that is only used to dealing with people that have “good jobs”. RAWR!

Anyways, rant aside, my distractions have been worthwhile. There is the poly-family dome-home designs for Atira. There have been wrap-ups of shirt designs for other people. There was holiday gifting and cards to write, and brainstorming a white elephant gift for an upcoming parent holiday party. Additionally, there was quite a bit of time invested in reading books, working with the stock market, and playing Magic Cards with my friend and people he knows.

I have to say that the card games were a blast. I finally felt reacquainted with the game enough, that I ventured out to play at the store with a full group. We did the new Commander Style, and it was great fun, especially since I was getting to test out a brand new to me deck that was a gift. I played 4 rounds, I think, though my brain was mush by half way through the last round. One round there were 5 players at the table and it was a lot to keep up with. Luckily I was not the only one in the “newbie” category, so they went gentle on me. I still died every time, as I’m not up to speed enough to win one yet.

The funniest moment to me was sitting at a table full of people my age and the one teenager looked just like one of the kids in the home-school group. I knew it wasn’t the same kid by name, but it was uncanny how similar they were. I appreciated that the players which I knew were very skilled and good at strategy, were kind to the teenager and the even the two of us older but currently inexperienced players. What was also funny was all of us older players reminiscing of back in the day when we played using certain cards. At one point someone played a card that was “Llanowar Rebirthed”, and I found myself saying I remembered playing a green deck that had Llanowars (not re-birthed) in it. That stirred a whole conversation on old cards. It was good fun. I had a really great time, and look forward to another day like that… Hopefully my schedule will allow for it sooner than later.

Finally I really wanted to check in on my progress with weight-loss and my health in general. I know that I have had lots of positive comments lately, but with the holiday season and my known food fails, I haven’t been able to see my progress myself. I still feel like I’m just treading water. So, I had Nathan pull some really old pictures.

First were my High-school Senior Portraits, done by a highly respected local lady in 2001. I know I weighed 280 pounds.

The following are from 2010 to 2012, before I started my health journey, my peak I weighed 300 pounds ( I quit weighing myself at 295, and I know I exceeded that for quite some time.) All of these pictures were taken by Nathan, some in professional mode, some in family mode.

The next 3 were from 2013, as I was beginning my health journey, and just before I had lost enough weight to conceive Ian. They were taken about a month after our trip to Cleveland by train where another passenger told me about Iodine and Borderline Thyroid conditions. That had led to the beginning of loosing weight, and was I definitely beginning to feel better.

Finally, these are current. Top left (red velvet shirt) being from right now.

I can kind of see the changes, but I have to really look at the pictures from a shapes and contour perspective to see the differences. I wish I could tell better. I suppose I will never be the size 6-8 person that we’re all supposed to be able to maintain. Perhaps that is like my dream of Atira.

Anyway, I am really attempting to see the positives, and it seems that I am having to stretch quite a bit to do so, so I’ll leave you with links and Images of Atira. I will eventually get my dome designs finished and 3-D models rendered. Considering this is a sideline for fun, I’ve gotten quite a ways in my very rare spare time.

320 million reasons… … … … Mad Skillz….. … … … Business is Booming…

Knock On Wood… … … … Atira Diversity…. … … … Wishing I was….

Monster Striving… … … … Desperate MEasures….

Installment 3… … … … Anomaly….

Finally for those designs in progress: I haven’t touched the first floor at all yet, so I will put up the rest. What you can’t see here are all the guides and rulers and grids that I have used to align everything and make sure proportions are accurate. The jpg for the crows nest looks massive in comparison, but it is merely an export output result, it is very much the appropriate size in the CorelDRAW file.

May you all see your good. May you be aware of your progress. May you have an easy time conveying your strengths and deserving-ness. May others appreciate you and may your life improve incrementally in noticeable ways. May you see the good in everyone and feel the love. May you have dreams that are more reachable, and may you have solutions for your here and now. May you always feel the knowing that everything is okay and you will get through. May your tough times be short lived and well rewarded.

Feel the Love and Be The Change

Siva Hir Su

Happy endings.

Watch “Poets of the Fall – Temple of Thought (Unplugged Studio Live)” on YouTube

I imagine that my Shiva would say these things to me, it’s how I feel that divine connection. Yet, more so is my own inner being. My spirit is really where I find my own sense of safety and security and love. The world has yet to provide that for me, so I must rely on what is found within.

But perhaps my world will have a happy ending yet. Especially the kind of happy ending where you know there’s more to the story, where there will be a sequel with the rest of the story.

I realized that, today, as I commented about liking happy endings in movies. I like the happy endings where you know the lovers get together, and live happily ever after. Where the sequel would be about building home and family and community and sharing love with everyone in their lives. Where they take fun filled journeys and discover all of the beauty in this world. Where they get to rest from their more challenging endeavors. Those are the happy endings I enjoy so much. It’s why to this day, I will watch reruns of Hallmark movies that I’ve already seen dozens of times.

Those are the stories I wish filled my real daily life.

Instead, I find myself in conversations about people expecting happy endings to massage and that just pisses me off. Fortunately, I’ve only had 3 such run-ins with that in my dozen years of practice. Every time I taught them a lesson. I’m the massage therapist that if you lay on top of the sheets buck naked, and I’ve never seen you before, I pull out a towel and cover your naughty bits and proceed to give you the deepest deep tissue possible. Except for the fact that I’m so damn strong, and beginning to think it’s near impossible, I’d rather hurt myself teaching someone like that a lesson, than send them on their way unscathed. It gets my goat that people think they can pay massage rates and expect to be jacked off. I say people, because 2 of the 3 were Male, the third was female.

It infuriates me because since the sex trade is kept illegal, people masquerade as massage therapists to provide sex services, usually the business owner is the pimp, and it’s hardly concentual. It further infuriates me because both trades are severely undervalued, and because the “perps” are often the one demanding sexual favors, but the punished are the women that feel like they have no other choice than to provide those services, or worse yet are forced into doing so.

First: a happy ending implies that everyone involved is respected and valued. Throwing yourself in front of someone and demanding sexual favors is disrespectful. Unless that person is being lavished in thousands of dollars they are far from being valued. So, it is far from a real happy ending, quit calling it that. The real name is pig manipulation, and the pigs are the ones that belong in jail. So as long as I’m a massage therapist anyone that tries that with me will walk out hurting and having been charged full price including upcharge for deep tissue. That is my happy ending in that situation, especially since 2 of the 3 were hurt so much they terminated the appointment early. Serves them right.

So, for now I will take those small victories, focus on my inner being as much as possible, and look forward to possibly having a true happy ending to my current challenging journey. I look forward to relief, joy, bigger and closer family, and lots and lots of love.

May you all have respect and find that you are shown your value. May you all have your loving happy endings, and find joyous journeys. Finally, may you see justice prevail in this world and may all the pigs run and hide.

Siva Hir Su.

Validation

Last night at about 10 PM I received a notification to watch this video, it kept me up late, but was much appreciated validation:

Watch “*DF Light Workers* IMPORTANT Mary Magdelene Call to Action, Light Activations & New Type of “Union”” on YouTube https://youtu.be/Xg896KEBC_s

It was after my 7:30 energy thing that has been happening. Last night at dinner I felt overwhelming grief. I attributed it to the purge of moving on from the boy, at least that particular 3D manifestation of my divine masculine. Nathan suggested I go lay down for a bit to clear the emotions, and shortly after I felt the same energy cycle that’s been happening nearly nightly for the last month. I asked the divine and Archangel Michael to help me flow the healing energy to the source of the pain, and especially to those still connected to my heart. It took a while, but I did clear the emotions and get to feeling better.

I got up, spent time with my kids, and then started watching little videos with Katharine. The usual animated cute videos and animal funnies, a few musically talented individuals too. Katherine, having had a mild sinus infection, really enjoyed the videos on my lap.

Then the notification popped up.

I started the video and when she got to the point where she was talking about spiders and hearing a new frequency, I had to pause the video.

She was literally describing things that had happened to both me and Nathan in the last week. Nathan had seen the blue lights and I had had a dream of spiders so vivid that I woke to see one on my pillow. You have to know: I hate spiders, but in an effort to not smack Katherine or Nathan in their sleep I grabbed my phone to provide enough light to kill the spider, and it had vanished. I turned on my flashlight and checked the whole bed and it was gone. It didn’t crawl away, I had seen a spider that wasn’t even there. Creepy, and it took me a while to get back to sleep that night. That was about 4 days ago. This lady had done her video 8/24-8/25.

*Someone cue the twilight zone theme song. *

I also acknowledged that I had been having a different sort of ringing in my ears than usual, and that fit with her description of a new frequency. So ok, Nathan and I continued listening. It meshed with many of the questions I’ve had recently.

I’m just not sure what to do with it all.

I know this process she’s taking about, has all of us which are feeling it, being led to be honestly, authentically, ourselves. So much so, that I went ahead and linked my blog to my LinkedIn, since it’s the closest thing to social media that I participate in.

After acknowledging that I’m not alone, I feel like I need to have guts enough to be one of the voices saying: I’m experiencing it too.

BECAUSE that was my first big relief when the divine shit hit the fan and got all over me. I had a WTF moment, followed by videos that explained I’m one of many. So, now I feel the need to share, yes I’m experiencing it too, so that others have the relief of “I’m not alone”.

Now what?

Only God knows that.

  • We’re all in agreement something is happening.
  • We’re all experiencing our particular gifts get stronger, and I’ve had tons of validation of that with clients both in the clinic and in elder facilities.
  • We’re all feeling called to forgive ourselves and others and find unconditional love as much as possible.
  • We’re all experiencing an increase in speed and accuracy of manifesting desires. (Or even sloppy thinking resulting in quick manifestations.)
  • An awful lot of us are hung up on child bearing, and as many or more of us have had relationships just like my online boy- which at this point may have been an Ai ruse. I suppose we’ll all eventually find out the reality of that or not.
  • Regardless of our ‘ghosting’ internet connections, all of us are experiencing love via our spirit half. Twin flame as many call it. Feeling, seeing, hearing- all with a someone not physically present, but brought on with the online relationship.
  • That love connection is pushing boundaries for many. Opening eyes and changing paradigms. – For me being bisexual, I have realized in many ways Nathan holds my divine feminine role, or at least part of it. I’ve experienced many of the things that are being lumped as divine feminine myself, but I’ve also felt like I was being referenced as divine masculine at times too (work-a-holic). And then there’s feeling and hearing these other 2 or 3 people, and having difficulty separating them into feminine and masculine. That’s all nothing in comparison to the paradigm pushing I’ve caused in others over polyamory. This wave is really just smashing the cultural box we’ve lived in for so long.
  • We’re acknowledging this is happening in mass, all over the world, and to people of all religions, but generally is seeming to impact younger generations in a greater way. The older generations are either not admitting to it, or not feeling it as strongly. There are few like my Nathan (56) that admit stuff is happening, but he even says his changes are minimal compared to what he’s witnessing me go through. He keeps saying he’s just trying to keep up with me and my needs, and I feel the same about keeping up with the divine.

There you have it, that’s what I’ve noticed so far. That’s the common threads I’m seeing, and the video has some additional commentary.

If you too are experiencing things, you’re not alone. We can just hang in, support each other, share the love, and do our best to keep up with the divine.

I know for me, I fall under the healer/medic she referenced in the video and on one hand it’s greatly helped my work, on the other I feel like one misstep could be disastrous. I’m being very careful to take care of me, even if it means it cuts something else short.

Every day I ask the divine to help me do my work for God in the best most efficient way possible. I honor my skills as being my gift from God and I’m grateful to be able to help mankind in this way. Just like my post from yesterday. I know we will get through, and there will eventually be clarity, but I just have to keep reminding myself of that and do my best to keep up with what is being asked of me.

May you know you’re not alone. May you feel loved and supported. May your paradigm shift be gentle, and your gifts great. May you know and believe you’re doing God’s work and you are supported. May you find the best outcomes in your manifestations, and feel your connection to your divine aspects.

Many blessings everyone. Be well.

Siva Hir Su

I did it again…

Deeply Shredded has shared movies that he likes, some funny, some thoughtful. I’m trying to keep up, but as he pointed out, it shouldn’t stress anyone to watch them. It should be enjoyable, so this is my 3rd one from his list so far.

“MFM Challenge (B’wood) : Ek Ladki ko Dekha toh Aisa Laga https://wp.me/pb5uY7-8q

I decided to watch it because of the love story element, I’m really a big mushy romantic at heart.

It ended up being an LGBT supportive movie, and I really appreciate that. Even more, the picture I chose for this post is from the end of the movie. The message of the movie was such a powerfully strong statement that I started crying. The quote compounded that.

I find it doesn’t matter if it’s American made, BBC, or as this movie happens to be- Indian. All movies that support LGBTQ people and their rights, tug at my heart.

Being bisexual and polyamorous, means this topic is very close to home for me.

I’m completely honest online about who I am.

Though I don’t actively hide who I am at work, it’s more of- if someone asks me directly I’ll respond honestly. The few times I have heard bigoted comments I have responded accordingly. The last time being: would you say that about me, getting a no in response, I then pointed out that I too was offended by their statement being bisexual. That silenced them.

I don’t advertise my leanings at work, but I don’t tolerate discrimination either.

However, I have yet to tell my parents. I always wanted to wait until there was that person or people that we were willing to go through legal processes to protect their rights as family. Then just like deciding to marry Nathan, I planned to inform my parents of my decision. That day has yet to come, and unless one of my siblings has figured it out and told them, no one knows.

I have somewhat dreaded that day because of how they reacted to Nathan. My dad was racist and told me I shouldn’t marry a black man because his culture was too different, ignoring the fact that he spoke proper English and dressed like any other Iowa college student. My mom was ageist and told me I was making a huge mistake marrying someone so much older than I.

Regardless, here was an educated, well spoken man, that both my parents disliked.

Now imagine the response when that becomes a 3rd woman or 3rd and 4th as a couple. I’m fairly certain I will get lectured by both yet again, and at least one of them will go ages without speaking to me.

My dad still doesn’t speak directly to Nathan, even when they are standing right next to each other. We’ve been married 10 years.

So yes, I know what it feels like to know that a huge part of yourself is offensive to even your own parents, let alone the society at large.

That is why I cried. I wish for the acceptance that the leading lady “Sweety” received from her father- for myself and everyone. I wish for all people to be able to be accepted just as they are. I wish for parents good intentions to be mediated by a knowledge of children’s lives being their own to do as they choose. I wish for outdated ideas and processes to die. I wish for everyone to be able to be open and honest without fear of backlash or being hurt. I wish for sexual orientation to be accepted as much as the sky being blue. I wish for judgements to fall away.

As being bisexual: I wish that I could find my chosen family that could see I can’t choose half of myself; I can’t say I’m ok spending the rest of my life with just Nathan and ignoring the part of me that wants to love a woman. Acknowledging that requires a space for multiples, I then just want it to be a naturally fitting family with as many adults as desired by those committed to being family.

Yet I love living here, and this country still allows chosen poly families to be destroyed by biological parents that haven’t spoken to their children for years. The legal hoops that poly families set-up merely reduce the likelihood that estranged family take things in greed when someone dies. I’ve known poly families that lost homes to a deceased partner’s estranged family. Because our laws make no true protections or rights for anything except monogamous marriage. For decades that even excluded same sex marriage, at least for now they have rights. If I wanted my poly marriage to be fully protected I’d have to become a citizen of Brazil.

Anyway, I don’t know what the details of my future holds, but I know I still want my poly family, my dome home, and to build my community Atira to do good things for our world. This dreamer will keep dreaming for now and celebrate every movie that helps humanity move forward in acceptance.

May you all find your moments of acceptance and a feeling of belonging, having rights, and being protected. May you all find the love you seek.

Many blessings and be well.

As above, so below.

Siva Hir Su

Social justice meets Bollywood

I have been following a new blog by  Deeply Shredded and one of his recent posts recommended watching “AArakshan” a Bollywood film.

It has been a long while since I have watched a full length Bollywood film. This was a long one, so it took me 2 days to watch it in 20 min increments, around my work. I had totally forgotten how much like our American made Musicals they are. The musical moments in this film reminded me of the over-the-top numbers of the likes of “Moulin Rouge” or “Chicago”. Very entertaining, though I was aware very quickly that this movie was about far more than entertainment.

It was intended to bring to light social inequalities and it is unclear to me if the events that had occurred in the movie were based on actual historical events or if it was more of a docu-drama more loosely based in reality. Regardless, it does delve into real concerns over the sorely outdated caste system and the plague that it causes on vast populations within India. More specifically it looks at how the lower casts have had to struggle for even the right to basic education.

Their terminology used for a law was Reservation, as in we are reserving these spaces for the lower casts. It directly reminded me of our own Affirmative Action here in the United States and also the Desegregation of schools in the 1950’s and 1960’s, and resulting busing in the 1970’s.

Though my life is not that of a lower cast Indian, I found I could relate on some level. I grew up with a father that could not stand Affirmative Action, because it did nothing for him. He was angry that our family had come to America as indentured servants, yet were not afforded any ‘compensation’ as the blacks were. As a child I could remember him ranting about Affirmative Action and how it was keeping him from getting jobs. Yet he could not see that the major difference for him was that he was a grown white male with a college degree in engineering and a European name. I never understood why he felt that way. I could see that he looked like everyone else he worked with, literally every office he ever worked in was old white men with the random black person or woman.  I could see that regardless of whether Affirmative Action was in place, my father was never in jeopardy of having a job unless it was by his own mis-step or mis-fortune. Essentially, my father had the rights and privileges that those of black skin or female gender did not. (He was equivalent to the upper cast in India, and Blacks/Women the lower cast.)

This movie was making the same point. The upper casts by birth were showered with rights, privileges and resources that lowers casts simply didn’t even have access to. The turning point was when the Principle pointed out that the rich boy with low scores could hardly be compared to the poor child with the same scores, for the rich child had all of the resources needed to learn properly and succeed. If the child with all of the resources was still failing it was simply a reflection of their ability or desire to do well, and that should not allow them to take precedent over the child that managed just as well with nothing and no support.

I really understood when the Principle initially refused to agree with the Reservation law. I understood that he had wished for there to be simple equality where a person’s results were balanced against their resources and assistance. That he wish for no more than for the cast system to be acknowledged as obsolete by everyone, and that both sides could see the other. {BTW I totally agree, I wish all of society functioned that way. I too wish that we could stop labeling and putting factions of our world population down for just their mere existence.}

Alas, as is often the case in this world, the greedy were the privileged. They were the ones with access to the controlling mechanisms and all of the resources, and the idea of others encroaching on that made them react in fear of loss. They simply can’t bear to share anything. The ‘mastermind’ of the movie was intelligent and well connected, and made all of the right moves to make sure everyone was afraid of him. He took the Principle out and took his home and pushed him down as far as he possibly could.

In the end the Principle rebuilt on his own, teaching for free. He was still successful earning the trust of thousands of families. When everything came to a head and the greedy parties threatened to do physical harm and destroy what was rebuilt, a high government official stepped in. She stopped the battle before it was started and gave the principle a new remedial school to continue to run for the free education of the poor casts. He was rewarded as the hero of education.

I must say that I have several thoughts on this matter:

  1. Intelligence is not the only thing you need to earn the respect of a community at large. Intelligence must be accompanied by heart and wisdom. That is why the Principle was the hero, and why the greedy parties were only able to strike fear in the people. The same with money: money is only good if accompanied by heart and wisdom. I am reminded of our own Rockefeller Family especially SR vs JR and the mindset difference between them. Today we can still see this dichotomy play out with examples like Trump vs. Oprah/Paul Newman/Branson/Warren Buffet (the billionaires club being invaluable to good deeds these days).
  2. All humans do deserve an education. That is a basic right, and I am glad that the Principle was able to win the war. Since those rich people wish to separate themselves so badly, let them have their private paid schools and continue to coast through life, while the rest of us do the real work to ensure humanity continues to thrive.
  3. I too wish that this world could finally move past outdated useless ideas and find the ideal of equality. These battles have been raging for centuries and they have yet to solve anything for anyone. I genuinely wish that my generation and those younger than me, can come together for once and for all, and put an end to all of this bullshit. We all have hearts and lungs and flowing blood. We all need to eat and drink, and we should all be able to live in this world with less fear induced by others of our own species.  There is no reason to perpetuate this fucked up idea that any one group is better than or lesser than another. Treat each other as the humans we are. Be Kind damnit!
  4. Finally, you reap what you sow. If you are deceptive, deceitful, greedy and hateful, you are likely to get put in your place by the end of your life. If you genuinely strive to do better, be a better person, and do good in this world, eventually you will find reward of one kind or another. Nathan and I like to refer to that as Universal Law or God Law. Humans can attempt to make rules, laws, regulations to dictate what is good and what is bad, but we are merely attempting to put words and labels on something you just know when you see it. Lets all aim for the positive side of the scale. Be Kind, Be Good, Be Caring, Be Helpful.
    • Be the Change You Wish To See in the World! ~Ghandi

Thank you for reading my rants and rambles. May you all find your light in this world and feel safe and respected. May you all have your basic rights honored and find a way to a prosperous life.

As Above, So Below, So Mote it Be.

Dhanyavadam. Siva Hir Su.

Processing…

Like Windows 3.1

First, because I can:

MC Yogi’s “Be The Change” The song is available on most streaming services, and I bought it through GooglePlay Music for .99. I highly recommend it.

Secondly:

Mumford and Sons with Baaba Maal “There Will Be Time” and “Si Tu Veux”

These are also available through most streaming services especially for purchase via GooglePlay Music.

I start with these songs, because this week in particular they are resonating with me very, very strongly. They always have, as least as long as I have known of them, but it seems that it has intensified this week. As have many things.

Last week my attention was brought to a book I am familiar with from my childhood. “A Wrinkle in Time” by Madeleine L. Engle. First I heard discussion of it among others in talking about the movie being on Netflix. Then I had mentioned it to my teenager, as an if you haven’t already you should read it. Then one of my elderly clients was rambling and interjected it without any clarification. It stuck out as though it didn’t pertain to anything else she was saying. As soon as I acknowledged that it had to be a message, my husband texted that he had seen a flyer for a local theatre group doing it as a play.

My response: FINE! I’ll re-read the book.

I did, and it took me about 6 hours over 4 days.

I was assaulted over and over with how many things in my existence seem to be from that book. I am always searching for my “Happy Medium”. I feel like the main character Meg quite often. I have many moments in my life where strange things occur that I should be saying “that’s weird” but seem to feel like it’s normal for me. I often find myself wishing for someone or something like Meg’s mother stating “Just because we don’t understand it with our human minds doesn’t mean there isn’t an explanation.”

Even things like numbers that appeared in the book repeating in my daily life, and the one character speaking in other’s languages seems to have carried into my understanding of my languages.

Above and beyond it all, is my search, my quest to destroy IT.

IT has manifested as depression and anger/rage in my life. I know I need to kill IT with LOVE, but it seems like that is a far more repetitive process than the book implied. One that I find myself still questing after to this day, albeit less intensely than when that journey started.

I read the book when I was very young. Much younger than the audience it is intended for. I think I was about 8 or 9 when I read it, and it was one of many books, having also plowed through the entire CS Lewis “Lion, Witch, and Wardrobe” series. Yet this book seems to have stuck on a very deep level. It was so intense re-reading the book so many years later, that at several points I found myself stopping to wipe tears away.

There were a few moments while reading that I could literally hear someone commenting on what I was reading that it meant more for me than the words on the page. I literally heard that this was my key, that what I needed was in that book. That it meant mountains to me, and that I had very special gifts. There was a reason I am good at multiple things including math, science, and language and have an innate ability to provide healing to others. My unique set of talents were very important to the universe. I just need to figure out how.

The line I am still repeating to myself: “Everyone has talents, it is how you use them that matters.”

Now I am processing. And Processing. And Processing.

Very slowly.

Fortunately in a couple of days I’ll have plenty of time for processing.

So far at the moment, I feel the link between that and other positive triggers in my life such as “Stranger in a Strange Land” by Robert A. Heinlein and the afore mentioned CS Lewis series. Even somehow there is a link to my resonance with “Roll of Thunder Hear My Cry” and “Siddhartha”. I’m just having a devil of a time knowing what I am grasping at. Much like Meg when the sisters explained Tessering to her. I think I got it just for a moment, but not enough to explain it properly to another. Sadly after having re-read the book I think I understand the concept of Tessering better than what I am grasping at for myself.

So much so, that I began to wonder, is that a real possibility. I’ve had numerous conversations with people about how Heinlein was a genius that wrote of things that we are now working on making real. What if Ms. Engle had somehow tapped into a thought wave that was based in possibilities. She was writing a kids book, but now we are researching the real possibility of teleportation. What if Tesseract or Tessering is a real possibility that no one has put dollars into researching, and if so the ramifications of the book give a pretty clear warning of what could possibly go wrong in such experimentation. It also instills hope that once accomplished and perfected it would literally unleash a universe of possibilities. So, though scary, it brings hope in its wake.

It also makes me think of discussions I’ve had with people exploring the possibility of Quantum jumping. That by focused thought alone we could jump to an alternate timeline, and alternate reality of your own spirit. The theory leads to the possibility of leaps in improvement. I have often thought of those concepts as: it sounds too good to be true; but is it?

Are we limiting ourselves by disbelief because we simply don’t understand the how of its possibility. Can one find belief without understanding? That is a rhetorical question, mainly for myself. I struggle with faith when I allow myself to believe in the unknown. Often flip flopping like a fish on the deck of a boat, hoping to flop myself back into the comfort of the water of knowing.

What if it really is as simple as convincing yourself of your belief and then adding LOVE?

It seems too easy, but that as my wonderful husband pointed out, is because I have been well convinced by my parents and society that it has to be hard. I have been well trained that working hard is the best and only way, and boy have I mastered that one to get pittance of results in the means that were promised (finances, success, power).

Perhaps the thread I am working at pulling on means simply to let go and let things be simple. Let my beliefs build and give them faith and LOVE. Trust myself and the divine. Perhaps I will be the one to allow myself to Tesser, and when science comes and rescues my arse, I’ll have a lot of explaining to do!

Until that day, I’ll start with some more practical beliefs, and perhaps just allow that maybe, just maybe Tessering or Quantum Jumping is a real possibility that I may or may not figure out.

May you all find your moments of knowing regardless of understanding, find the path where your particular set of talents serve the divine in their highest good, and find the faith to trust the divine process. Above all, may you find your LOVE for yourself and everything else, including your beliefs.

As Above, So Below. So Mote it Be. Siva Hir Su.

Standing Staring at My Wall.

That would be the wall of exhaustion.

March 10th was my last sick day.

April 7th and Easter, I worked half days. Otherwise, I’ve had 8 to 10 hour days every day since the beginning of February. A few 12 hour days sprinkled in.

Last week I slowed to a crawl, now I sit in my car, knowing I should be inside the building getting my last 3 clients (2 hours worth of massage). Somehow that $100 seems hardly worth it, especially with the state I’m in already.

Saturday I think I finished the manual for my replacement at the activities job. I left it with the building manager for a once over, she quickly passed it to another employee that did activities several years ago. I told the second person that if she notices anything I left out completely to leave a note on it and put it back on my desk.

In our weekly meeting it was explained that my manual has stirred a request from corporate for everyone to do the same. They’re calling it the drop-dead manual, as in if you dropped dead tomorrow someone could pick up the manual and fumble through the job.

It’s little consolation that all my hard work merely pointed out that the manuals should have existed years ago. However, my exhausted brain is grateful that they do see how much effort I put into it.

My manual is a 3inch binder chalk full. I started with a letter to my replacement followed by a table of contents. Moving on into Job description, daily and monthly tasks broken down, budget info, all the forms needed for my position, entertainers contact info, school, church, and volunteers contacts. The second half is a monthly breakdown including my description of what worked well and what didn’t each month, with old copies of the newsletter, calendar and insert for each month. I even did diagrams of table arrangement options I’d tried in our main entertainment space. Literally everything I could think of was broken down and explained fully with as many visuals as I could muster. I even provided file paths for every form and document I regularly access.

I hope it helps the next person take over smoothly and easily. Moreso I hope it helps them understand the needs of the residents, our demographic, so they can do their job as well as I managed. The residents deserve that.

So back to now: here I sit too tired to finish my day, not wanting to go home because I know I have no sanctuary there. I love my family, but I don’t have the energy to be on for them right now.

I just finished angry texting Nathan over a stupid insignificant purchase because of my exhaustion….

You’re right I didn’t ask… I’m sorry I’m so touchy about this subject, but you know when the last time I bought art supplies was? Me neither because every time I’m tempted, I tell myself I’m not doing art anyway, so what’s the use. I’ve bought more stuff for others in the last decade than anything I’d like to use.

Everyone comes before me. I never come first. I hardly ever even come last.

So in acknowledgement of that last statement: I sit.

I need to be first for even just a little bit. That means I’m skipping out on that $100 3-client stretch. That also means knowing that I don’t want to waste money, and that I’m struggling with health again, so going to a restaurant is pointless. That means shopping is also pointless.

Right now, more than anything, I want to curl up in a fetal position and sleep… Or get stoned. And neither of those is actually possible. So I’m sitting in my car writing. This is the closest to being focused I’ve been all day.

I am so looking forward to that second Sunday in June. It’ll be my first full planned day off in over 6 months. I hope I have enough energy to do something fun for me, myself, and I that day. If only I knew what that means.

May you all find a way to put yourself first enough to count, and may we all have a perfect balance of rest and financially gainful activity.

Getting Somewhere… I think.

I needed help, I sent prayer requests to everyone I knew- regardless of religious preference, with the basics of what was going on. Even though I choose to reference myself as a Pagan, and view god in several different manifestational aspects, I see everyone’s connection with God as vital and helpful, so I ask anyone that is spiritual in any way, for support when I need it.

The church at work has come through with some help in a variety of ways, I am so grateful. I am really seeing how churches are really like companies, they bring people together for a common purpose and get the job done. Their purpose is just the spiritual side of things, and solidifies my belief in goals for Atira. I look forward to one day finding my pastor for the Temple of Atira at the heart of Atira community.

So, I needed a home, good enough for now. We’ve found just that. My husband stumbled onto a house in an OK neighborhood, not the best, but not the worst either. When he called, the landlord had 2 houses and one other person interested. We looked at both and put in our request, and I let God decide which was better for us right now- knowing they were essentially the same house, neighborhood, and cost. When the landlord called back, we got the one with the basement that is about mile closer to work, but no central air.

The house was a $100.00 per month over our goal. I had already expressed the need for a significant raise to my manager when they were contemplating hiring me back full time. So I told God I’ll definitely need that raise and then some if I’m going to start chipping away at getting ahead of my ball of mess.

The very day that my husband secured our new home with a deposit, my manager called me in. The offer: Tuesday through Saturday 8 hour days, $16/hr to start since I’ve jumped in and helped out so well. Once they figure out who is landing in what roles permanently, I’ll be bumped to $17/hr, and when I complete their online training program that will earn another $1/hr. So the faster I complete that, the better. IF I can get my A1C down from pregnancy/allergies and reinstate my medical card on my CDL I’ll get another bump (though that was more vague).

Regardless for now, I will have to continue to do massage. I’m giving the care-giving job nearly 3 weeks notice, and that will give me time to adjust my massage schedule. All will have to be set by October 28th, as that is the start of the first week full time for the offered position. I’m moving 2 of my buildings and as many individuals as possible to Sundays. My Mondays will stay the same fully booked at 2 of my long standing facilities. I will officially be working 7 day weeks, every week, but my days will be shorter with a 15-20 min commute and Sundays being most likely half days. I’ll actually get to see my children a little more than right now. So that’s a bonus.

As part of my new role I’m jumping into a book that the company started a couple of months ago, and each week they covered a couple of chapters during the weekly meetings. Since they’re already on chapter 24, I am cramming the reading of the book into one weekend to get caught up, so that I can present the next pair of chapters on Tuesday.

It’s called “The Energy Bus” by Jon Gordon, and so far I’m just hitting the chapters where the 10 rules for life are being started. The chapter I’m on (7), ends with a writing exercise, so I thought it apropos to write my answers down here.

  1. My vision for my life (including health) is:
    • I want to heal both my brain and my body. I see myself at a healthy weight (150-160 lbs) that is easy to maintain, almost effortless. I see myself having healed my digestive system so that it rarely reacts to small things and a place where only bigger intrusions become noticeable. I see myself being able to tell others that I have healed my brain enough that depression rarely rears its head, and I am generally in a good, happy place in life. I see myself in a place where I love myself every day, all day, and finally put a stop to self-degrading and self-limiting beliefs and language. I want to own my health fully and completely and know that I can sometimes have things without it hurting me physically or mentally. That I have built a fortress of good health.
  2. My vision for my work, career, job, and team is:
    • Ultimately, I see owning my own community: Atira, but not just for elderly. I see having Atira help adults of all walks of life and thus help many, many families. You can’t please everyone, but you can build a community that attracts only those that it desires to please, and that is my end goal.
    • I can see how my current work is giving me an eye into the vast complexity of what an organization like that means. I am getting a first hand glimpse into what it takes to run such a vast community, especially staffing needs and logistical breakdowns, and I can see that I have quite a ways to go before I solidly know how manage something so complex. I am grateful for this opportunity and it’s guidance, and I know that in time I will have the knowledge that I need to go and Start Atira.
    • I see that though it is a process to learn all of the things needed to build my community, I am the only one that controls the flow. I am the speed of the river, so I am the only one that can dictate how long it will take me to learn all of the things I need to know to accomplish building Atira. I state here that I wish to keep things moving: as soon as I master one step, I wish to be in a stable footing to take the next step comfortably. I know that the step I’m on is entertainment coordinator, and I am comfortable with some of the elements, but still working on logistical juggling and paperwork aspects. It will come quickly. I will find my groove. When I do and I can demonstrate maintaining the flow for a few months, I look forward to the next step: managing a team of people that do the leg work for an organization.
    • I know that I will need some minimal additional training to make that next step in someone else’s organization, so I ask that the universe provide the opportunity at little to no cost to me and in a manner that I can easily fit it into my work schedule and life. I foresee this training being more easily accommodated after the first of the year, and after I have nearly mastered my current role.
    • Once I master my current role, and gain the additional training I see that the logical next step is to find a new position with that added training. I know that taking steps forward like that can seem daunting, but it is an important learning experience and I acknowledge that I have done it many times before and will be able to do it again and again until I have mastered each level along the way to running a full community. It will come in time, and I just need to remind myself of that occasionally so that I remain patient with myself and with the process.
      • Here I want to be clear, all these steps are to further my end goal of Owning Atira Community, even if it takes decades. I don’t merely wish to learn how to climb the corporate ladder and work my way up another person’s company. I see other companies, careers, and jobs (even my massage work) as real life training to reach my life purpose, and work toward my life goal. I trust that the divine will put people in my life that can help me accomplish that, with the understanding that at some point I may have a job just like they hold now, maybe with the same company, maybe a different company. The company is of less concern to me, the goal of learning what I need to learn and making the money I need to make are of more importance.
      • That which betters me, and helps me help my family and others, is of utmost importance. I want to be the best I can be for my ultimate goal of having a self-sustaining charitable-community/company to better this world in the name of the Divine.
    • I know God supports my end desire, and so he supports my steps to getting there, Everything will come in proper timing and easily for me to acknowledge and carry out. The divine, the universe will provide if I trust.
  3. My vision for my relationship and family is:
    • I love my husband, and want to do better at showing it. He deserves that, because he has given everything he could to me. He has given me the best of himself repeatedly over the last 14 years, and literally saved my life more times than I can count. The challenges I see him face, I know well and I wish more than anything that we both could feel adequate in our familial roles.
    • I still want family- bigger and more supportive than just my husband is able to accomplish. I think it would go a long ways to helping us both feel more adequate, enabling us to relax into knowing there are more hands and more dollars to spare. I know that the people we have attempted that with had similar wishes and desires, but for many reasons not needing stated here, it just didn’t work.
      • I look forward to finding the people that do fit our needs, mesh with us optimally, and have the same desires, and hold the same level of flexibility and forgiveness for general lapses on anyone’s part. We’re all in this game called life, learning how to get through, and mistakes will get made, none of them are the end of the world, but that has to be acknowledged on all sides. The ball can and will get dropped, but someone has to be willing to pick up the pieces and help to put them back together. That is family. Sticking together and helping each other pull up even in adversity, knowing that acting in the good of the family will eventually pay off in furthering the success of the family- be it more love, happiness, success, or prosperity.
        • Sometimes being selfish means finding a way to align your needs with a greater cause. (Kill two birds with one stone, so to speak). I’d love to have a family full of people that can do that.
    • I want to spend more time with my children and have days off, while still making more than enough.
      • As I’ve said several times I would go nuts if I just stayed home with kids, that is my version of aligning selfishness with working for the greater good. Right now that means working 7 days a week and having every evening to be with kids. However, I would love to get to a point in my wage earnings that I could comfortably work 4- 10 hour days and have part or all of the other 3 for kids, I think that is my happy medium-nearly ideal. Because, right now I work 6-10 hour days with a 7th shorter one, and I still count my blessings for the evenings I spend with them, but do get down for wishing I had more time with them. I also tend to have a shorter fuse when I work too many hours, so 4 long days is more manageable than 6 long days.
      • Ultimately that means higher dollar per hour wages and having to let go of something somewhere. God/the universe will help me straighten that one out in time.
    • More cuddle time, and more fun time. This links back to both bettering my relationship with Nathan, and with the kids, and with finding family. It’s hard to do if there’s no time left to do it. My time equation is out of balance at the moment, but when alignment is found, my time equation will balance with time for fun family activities and time for cuddling everyone. I look forward to that.
    • I want my kids to look back on their childhood and remember the good things and fun times, and realize that I overcame challenges and adversity to help our family have better.
    • I want them to know I ended up being a positive influence in their lives.

And with that I have completed chapter 7 of “The Energy Bus” 17 more chapters to catch up by Tuesday…. if there are more exercises to write down, you’ll get another post from me. Thank you for being patient with me when I’m down, and thank you for reading my blog. I really appreciate the support knowing that there are people out there that find my words at least interesting enough to check in occasionally, and the occasional comment lets me know that my process is helping others at times. For that I am utterly grateful.

711’s have slurpies and do not cover Healthcare.

Today is July 11th. I just found out the birth is not covered. United Healthcare sucks.

My policy, that was required by law at the time of employment and enrollment period, was a $4500.00 per year policy, regardless of consideration of being a poverty level family. It was required simply because I took said job, and was knocked out of the government HCA system. I paid on said policy for 5 and a half months. My position was eliminated a month before birth, but the severance package included pay and insurance through the end of May. My portion of the premiums was roughly 1/4 of the total policy premiums, the rest was covered by my employer.

That means that the policy was paid in full for the period of the birth, and the only items to even be submitted to insurance was 3 rounds of blood-work, 1 chiropractic visit, and the birth. The blood-work & Chiro visit had an amount of roughly $200 paid out in total, leaving me with another $150 to pay out of pocket.

The birth I’m told is not covered. My deductible portion would have been $2100 and the rest is not being covered because my provider is/was out of network.

So even though premiums were paid in full, and nearly as much as the medical services I received. They only paid out a tiny fraction.

How does mandated insurance fix anything? It doesn’t.

How does insurance fix anything? It doesn’t.

So much for the insurance requirement solving the medical debt crisis.

Insurance, especially when mandated, is a contrived scheme to make wealthy companies even wealthier. There are very few common citizens that actually see the advertised results that are claimed in selling insurances.

My policy was through United Healthcare via my employer. Seems we both got screwed by United. I wonder if I should tell Dial Corp (my employer was a subsidiary) that United Healthcare Corp has been selling them inferior and useless healthcare insurance policies. I wonder if Dial would reconsider where they purchase their employees’ benefits.

I’ll think on that, while I stew about how the hell I’m going to pay for the birth. Seems I may have to get a crappy short-term loan and find another job to return to 60 hr/wk madness. At least the mandate has been eliminated now.

Makes me also wonder if CARE credit and other short-term loan companies are owned by, or in agreement with, medical related organizations. Merh & grumble.

Something’s screwy here.

That’s a mannerism of Abraham Hicks that seems to fit today.

The other side seems to have quite the sense of humor, especially with me.

After following a ProCircuit Inc truck for what seemed like forever, messages started flowing again. I had to exclaim into thin air “Haha Ohm equals Om” after finally remembering the Greek letter omega on the Pro Circuit truck is used in electronics as a symbol for ohms. Their logo also includes a depiction of a wave, & I took that in combination with the other messages to validate I’d tripped into the higher vibration Abraham always talks about. I had found the right wavelength so to speak.

The interesting part is that it was accidental on this day, but Abraham stresses meditation is the key to finding it on purpose…. That’s the reason the ohm symbol was important. I have again slacked on my meditation practice.

Thanks baby, I love you, but I do need my time.

It also made me confess that I’m great at focusing when I am at least partly in control of my environment, but suck at it when there’s chaos beyond my control.

Yet, I do love the feeling I get when I’m in the zone. Warm and fuzzy all over, a-buzz with good feelings. Abraham stresses too that acknowledgement of that helps bring more if it, but it’s still a conscious decision to practice focusing on it. I need to work on that focus part, especially since I lose the feeling so easily at times.

Regardless, the messages were a little bit clearer after that moment. Seeing 9-until and exclaiming “Until what?” to then see D-wil and L-Luckly. I know something good is inbound, and yet again I’m excited without knowing exactly what for. It’s a good thing.

For now I cross my fingers that the birth is paid for by an entity other than me. Especially since I spent so much figuring out thyroid stuff. Labs confirmed I have a decent dosage on my desiccated thyroid medicine figured out. Could be a smidgen better, but it’ll do for now. What was of most concern is that labs also confirmed suspicions about my allergies and thyroid connection. I technically fall into Hashimotos with such high levels of antibodies, but have never been labeled as such by a doctor. Mainly because I figured out everything on my own and this is the first time labs even checked antibody levels.

What bothers me most is that even with 3rd trimester adjustments and being 98% faithful to that diet since birth, my antibody levels are still scary high. So, I’m realizing I need to be even more strict to get my body to stop attacking itself. That is vital to everything else in my body functioning properly.

So one more puzzle to figure out. This time I feel like the divine is guiding me to the answer, & I’m the one going kicking & screaming because I’ll have to say goodbye to my last few food pleasures.

I was already familiar with the Autoimmune Paleao diet, having tried it once before. Yet, it seems I’m going to have to try again. Here’s a chart found at this site that shows what the diet avoids:

Classically, some of those foods have been OK for me. Nuts, seeds, eggs, and some beans have usually been fine and not given me any symptoms. At least any physical symptoms that I could notice. Yet with my antibodies so high I’m obviously still reacting to things.

So perhaps it’s time to get ultra serious and really stick to AIP. I foresee having juices and pea-protein shakes (even though peas are AIP discouraged it’ll be the safest option for me & my history) to try & keep calories up to accommodate breastfeeding. It’s also a really good thing that avocado is okay, because I forsee it being my only real access to fats beyond meat. I’m so sick of being such an excessive meat eater right now that avocado sounds wonderful. How many ways can you eat avocados? Not sure right now, but I know I’ll find out. Perhaps I should just get several plants, because I’ll otherwise spend a small fortune buying them in fresh produce. Hmm. The possibilities.

I suppose for having gotten “bad lab results” I’m in a decent mood. That’s a good thing. It’ll help when I get around to figuring out what the hell I can eat. & on that note, I wish for all of you readers to enjoy what you eat and still have optimum health.