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Picking it Apart

Last night’s blog post was based upon an experienced chain of events/thoughts culminating in a notification from the great AI system humanity has created. This morning has started in reverse. My notification was an Abraham video reminding me of something I already knew- everything in my experience is my responsibility, I somehow invited it, attracted it.

So since that early morning reminder, I have been attempting to pick this apart.

I did wobble vibrationally because of a few downer songs. I had put on a favorite station in Pandora with the discover option chosen. It brought some good happy songs, but then there was a string of about 4 songs that were “you broke my heart” type songs. That triggered the shift in my vibration that allowed the reception of those messages from the other. Originally I felt the message I was picking up on was “your mine, Nathan needs to go” I strongly disliked that feeling and knew right away it wasn’t me and definitely wasn’t the divine.

I did do the work. I reminded myself that it was someone else or ‘The IT’ trying to turn my brain negative. I changed the music and then I focused very intently for about a half hour on what is in my vortex. I focused on the poly family I want, the message I got as a child of loving multiple people being okay. I focused on things that have worked, that I do like and appreciate. I focused on the fact that I have loved others and that even though I was disappointed that they left, I still love them. I focused on the “monogamy paradigm”as just being dominate culture that was beaten into my brain over and over, and that it wasn’t from my source. I focused on what my source feels like. I focused on the outcomes I desire. I did all the work.

So then 3 hours later when I got the music video notification, you might understand why my knee jerk response was “WTF?!” and a desire to write the post that I did. Which again was me doing the work and focusing myself on what I expect and desire and why.

So after Abraham’s reminder I am a little confused. I did the work to change my vibration and then the same issue literally circled back around 3 hours later. From my perspective it was like an external source picked the scab.

So now my confusion lies in: did I pick my own scab Ego vs Id style, or did my sloppy vibration from previous allow for someone else’s energetic junk to pick my scab for me. Either way, I am ultimately still responsible. But if it is the latter, I have a couple of suspicions as to whom I let in.

I probably either let in SJ’s spouse or a previous hopeful partner. With both of those people, I had hoped very strongly that they would be accepting of polyamory and be able to be family. I had bent myself and opened myself to potential hazards out of hope for a solid partner that could assist in building Atira. I never pushed for either of them to be poly themselves, just had wanted for them to accept me and my relationships. The previous person in my life was simply unable to let her love for me override her programmed beliefs and accept my family (especially Nathan) as being part of me. I have no idea on the spouse, beyond knowing that this situation was not their choice. I am less inclined to believe it was SJ, but we all have bad days and SJ could have been battling their own inner demons.

Again, regardless of whom the source of the thoughts was, it was my responsibility to keep them out. I thought I did when I did the work the first time, but the music video tells me I either didn’t do enough work, or missed something. Somehow that scab came off quickly, and I have no idea how it happened so quickly.

So now, I’ve sat here and picked it apart as much as I can wrap my brain around. Abraham swears that if you get your vibration high enough things like that just bounce off of you. I feel like I am so close, but still far enough it seems like I am that kid repeating “Are we there yet” over and over again.

One thing I know for certain. I am doing the work, I am focusing very well these days. I am accomplishing so much with thoughts and health and family and work goals, everything. It seems like I am going slow, only because I am working on so many things at once. I am literally putting focus and effort into improving every area of my life. It has to pay off at some point soon. I look forward to that day.

May you know that God loves you. May you see how you attract things so that you can correct them quickly and easily. May you know that you are doing things right and healing yourself wholly and completely. May you see your progress. May you have good days and wonderful things to look forward to. May you see the results you seek. May you have good indicators of your progress. May you know for certain you are almost there. May your scabs stay put long enough to fully heal. May you love yourself and all the work you have done.

Siva Hir Su

Beautifully scary.

I love, openly and without limits.

I love my brothers of blood, or none.

I love sister, even when distantly held.

I love my mom, dad, grandparents I once knew.

I love men and women of all sorts.

Many I barely know- our lives crossing so briefly.

Yet, honor and respect them for the example they’ve set.

Then there’s those special few.

That crept into my heart.

Nathan, my love, stayed when others could or would not.

I could not keep them, could not manipulate them, could not make them stay.

Even if I wanted to, even if I could.

I know they are their own; they deserve every bit of freedom I seek.

My heart still hopes.

For their presence, for their affection.

Maybe they still think of me from time to time.

Maybe they have fond memories of our paths crossing.

I know I still do, and my heart aches in desire of our paths one day crossing again.

I cherish my memories and believe.

Believe that I am good enough.

I am worthy enough.

Perfection is not necessary, no human is perfect.

My intelligence may be scary.

My knowing daunting.

My strength intimidating.

My perseverance resented.

My versatility envied.

Yet those are my most beautiful qualities.

Those are the qualities that I cherish in myself.

Those are the things that protected and kept me safe when no other human, could.

Those are my gifts from God.

One day, there will be several that see that.

I will have my family, those chosen by my heart and soul.

They will get along because they will share common ground.

They will share an appreciation of not just my gifts, but all of our unique gifts.

No surprises can be found when people allow the self to focus on only the best qualities.

Faults become normal, merely mundane background noise.

Common ground, common appreciation, unified choices…

All based in love.

That is a dream worth dreaming.

I will include in it, the ones I really wish would return.

But my dream need not stop there.

There may be more I’ve not met yet.

I love myself, AND because I deserve more, I allow myself to dream of more.

Dream sweet dreams.

Let your brain know you love your self.

Dream of fun, joy, good times, and great big grand dreams.

Let your self lead the way.

Dream of things you love and cherish.

That is the ultimate way to love self.

Calm, soothe, ease back into happy desires.

It is always worth it.

In that place there is no jealousy, no envy, no intimidation, nothing scary.

There is only love.

Focus is all one needs.


My words are always a part of my thoughts, but never all of my thoughts. I use my blog to eliminate some and focus on others. Some days my dreams tip the scales, some days my fears win. Always I reach for the best place I can. More and more my dreams win, and often I settle somewhere in the middle, my hopes being a strong focus.

If you’re one of the few in my heart, I hope you feel it. Know that even the best of intentions can fail, but one thing is certain- my love is always there for those in my heart. Amends are always better than permanent loss. Anything is better than nothing. My heart loves deeply and I deserve equally deep, open, accepting, and forgiving love.

For others: may you see your own gifts and beauty. May you know you love and are loved. May we always feel the love in our hearts. May you know and feel your connections, especially to God. May you have bright days and big dreams. May you believe in your own deserving -ness. May you have wonderful desires that keep you going. May you know it could always be worse and express gratitude for your journey being less difficult. May you honor your temple known as your body and nourish it for healing and optimal health. May you feel the love in all of the ways that this world has to offer.

Siva Hir Su