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Short update.

Job is going great. I’m 3 days into working solo, having gone solo 2 days earlier than expected. The biggest hiccup so far was that the movie I was supposed to show for the matinee was no longer available, and knowing I wasn’t allowed to purchase movie viewings (corporate restriction due to group viewing fees), I had to call in supervisor judgement. They ended up telling me to pick from a few similar choices.

Easy enough fix.

The hardest part has been the daily driving, and a friend of mine kindly offered a night in their guest bed. I wasn’t sure if it would actually help, being just one night, but it really did. I literally got an hour of decompression before bed, and 90min extra of sleep. It was quite wonderful. I’m grateful.

My son is mad at me. He’s not seen me in 3 days, really almost 4. So he just told me “go away mom” when all I wanted was a hug & kiss. So I did.

I watched him walk over to dad at the campfire, and I found a picnic table. Tonight is the group hay-rides at Aldredge Orchards, a great place off 152hwy, north of Kansas City. Anyway, by the time I drove up from work I missed the hayrides. Then to be rebuffed by my child, I am just ready to go. I do have another work day tomorrow. Yet, I know my son will eventually get over being mad at me, and I also know that he really just wants my attention. So in a weird way I appreciated that moment.

Nathan just acknowledged all of that exchanged, so we’re heading out. Have a good evening everyone.

A short love letter to myself.

I love you because you still want to love others. Despite all of the trials, all of the tribulations, the pains, the sorrows, and especially the traumas, you still want to love others.

Not only do you want to love others, you take care of them. You put them first and do your best to help others in whatever way you can. That is compassion.

I love you even more because you want to fulfill grand dreams in god’s name, but too for the tiny miracles that you carry out: your children, your health, and many others.

You are an amazing woman, know that my dear, with your big heart full of love. Things will get better. They must.

SRG owning a heart;  AKA a love letter

J. I love you.

From the bottom of my heart.

To the moon and back.

I have for months now and always will.

Have I bottled hopes and dreams up with that love, you bet.

It seems inevitable. Love stirs fires of passions within and fuels life force, wanting more. It’s always been that way, but add a dash of passion and watch out, the freight train a cometh.

Yet love is the vessel, the conduit, and sometimes you enjoy the cup more than the contents. Maybe those hopes and dreams will be the wonders I thought up, but maybe they’ll fall short. Either way, I still have the vessel, the love, to hold a whole new batch, a new mix to try.

That’s the beauty of love, it keeps going, keeps fueling more, even when you’ve tried what you thought was everything. It’s unconditional.

The only thing I don’t understand is how to convey all of this to you where you’ll hear it. I wish so much to gain your complete trust, for just a hint of reciprocation, so that I can enjoy you as you: more fully, more completely, more frequently.

 My words are failing me now…. Attempting to find the positive words for the desires behind my fears, the unconditional. My fears are merely tools to help me redefine my desires more fully, yet I struggle to accomplish that, and focus too!

My love Nathan has assured me to just be patient. He thinks he understands. He supports me in everything, and does his best to help me find clarity. I’m utterly grateful. I know his love will carry me even into life beyond this planet. We mutually share that understanding of the unconditional nature of our love, and the permanence of it’s energy.

I wish for that shared understanding between us as well. 

Really, I wish that for everyone. Our world survives because of love, it banishes all the unwanted parts of the illusion. We could all use more love.

For now, I’ll work on refocusing on the unconditional nature of my love to banish those fears attempting to rain on my illusion. I chose clear blue skies and joyful days of enjoyment, and clarity in my desires to accomplish that.

No matter what happens with you, I will do my best to hold you in that love and wish the best for you. It’s the only right thing to do. It’s the only way to remain unconditional. My fears will eventually work themselves out.

(To quote an old friend “If you confront your fears by playing the What-If game, then you’ve already seen the worst and it can only be better.” I choose the better.)

Who’s Katie, or Kate? 

So today was about celebrating little Ian’s 3rd birthday,  all-be-it a bit late.  I worked this week,  so today was my 1st day off after his birthday.

It’s been weird,  hot cranky tired has somehow made us all a bit off, and tried to sap the fun,  but I think Ian has made the best of it anyway. That’s him & Anya on a bounce house slide at a place called fun run,  really a giant indoor playground. 

I went to find drinks,  & when I pulled out change from a previous purchase I noticed this: 

Normally I’d be like “oh cute, someone wrote their name on their money”. It does happen very, very occasionally. 

However,  this time it’s the name that got me. I’d already been seeing hundreds of references to Kate or Katie including K8’s & KT’s.

Somehow it’s like someone (or God?) really, really wants me to see that name.

So, why? Who’s Kate or Katie? Why is it important for me? What place does this name have in my experience? Is it reference to a thing instead maybe, like how cars and boats get named after people? 

I’ve tried to wrack my brain trying to come up with someone I might have worked with,  a deceased resident perhaps,  but the only Katie resident I can think of is still alive as far as I’m aware. I’m drawing a blank on anyone with that name that might be deceased,  and the only living Katies I can think of are not very close to me,  mere acquaintances.

So, I’m stuck. Maybe some clarity will come eventually, or maybe it’s a new person to expect to meet. I’m not sure,  but for now I just keep saying “thank you,  but I still don’t understand”. Now to decide whether I hold onto this bill as validation material,  or go ahead & spend it since I took a picture! 
& Just because I’ve been letting my brain have so much fun,  I thought you’d like this… it’s a building down the street from fun run…. & my 13-year-old self thinks it’s hilarious! Hahahahaha!

The cat is out of the bag.

Today we treated Anya to her favorite restaurant. A surprise, and one that we enjoyed because it bothers her so much to be surprised. We knew this was to try and make telling her the news a good feeling event.

We teased and poked a little fun. Then we invented a story. We told her I was pregnant. Right as she was about to cry- tears, not of happiness, we confessed that it was another tease. No baby on the way for her to have to help with, at least yet!

Then we told her the real news.

Essentially, I was giving her a heads up on the man that I feel is important in my/our lives. I told her what I knew about him- the facts. That he’s kind and compassionate. That he’s getting married soon, but that I know very little about his betrothed. I told her that he knows all about her, and Nathan interjected that he really knows more about all of us than we really know about him. I told her we’d been talking off and on for a year and a half. I told her that if things progress that it could be really good for our little family. I told her his work, his goals, some of his ideas.

Then I told her about how I’d told him of some of our goals and ideas and how they aligned. I told her how I felt really really good about him and hoped it would eventually progress to more. I told her that I hoped I would get to know more about his fiancee/ soon to be wife.

I explained how all of these feelings were really based on things I had seen in meditation and flashes of insight in my head. How it is all intuition, that I can’t prove any of it right now. I described all of the things I’d seen and felt and reminded her of past events like that (her mom dying, Ian’s birth, etc.) that ended up coming true. [I’m going to write on what that is like later in the week.]

Out of all of that, she seemed to care little about a potential other significant other, she was concerned most when I mentioned that we might potentially move again. She went straight to fear, worried that we would move too far from her friends. I was quick to point out what she had just done. Chiding her for not watching any of the law of attraction videos I’d sent to her. Also chiding her over the fear itself, pointing out that she regularly visits Nebraska for extended periods, and mostly to visit her friends. That despite her mom being dead 4 years now, she still has those friends in Nebraska. I also had to point out that it won’t be long until both she and her friends are of driving age and possibilities become even more vast at that point.

I essentially pointed out that she should work more on seeing the good possibilities, because that is what I’ve been working on, and it is slowly taking hold and opening doors for me. I can see the benefit and I hope she does too.

So now, the cat is out of the bag, she knows that I’m very, very interested in someone and hoping that they’ll be a significant other soon. My hope of all of this is that she’ll take the encouragement and start exploring all of the good possibilities that could come of that and really many other things in our life. I look forward to my family growing together, that we all find upliftment and change our lives as a whole family for the better. That’s true progress regardless of what happens externally.

Honesty. 

I’m still working on teetering. Leaning a bit more to the positive side, but not enough to hit that tipping point yet.

Today I’ve fantasized, mmm that’s good.  I’ve thought about things I want, from simple things like air conditioning, to more complex conversations and a particular phone call, and even more complex things like large sums of money and dome homes. Ultimately I’m still struggling to maintain.  This illusion,  especially the  hot sweaty part of it, is kicking my butt.

Ultimately,  I’m trying to find another temporary solution,  assuming that my messages of this fall are accurate in that a more permanent solution is inbound.  I’m thinking a trip to the truck  stop for long cool showers and a meal is in order.  However,  that oscillating of emotions & vibrations is making even that temporary decision difficult.

Though I find that every time I really focus and really visualize (fantasize)  I end up going very deep and losing track of time. 

The last round of visualizing where I lost 20 minutes,  was merely a conversation about honesty.  How much I just want honesty. Why things happened,  why decisions were made,  why my perceptions are what they are. … I understand the need for white lies,  I’ve used them myself at times.  Sometimes life’s lesson is that they can get out of hand,  or cause feelings of losing control.  Sometimes the easiest way to escape the damage of white lies is to come  clean. Sometimes a bit of honesty goes a long way. 

My visualizing was solely me telling someone that and then my guess as to their reaction and response.  Though  keep in mind the goal is to feel good,  so I stuck  to the guess that felt the best.

 Since last post I’ve also had epiphanies about some of the people in my life.  A revelation I suppose as to how people that seem to love and respect me,  still move on without a trace. It’s all my doing, and apparently from birth really. So now I’m doing my best to give thanks that they did as much as they could  before moving on. I know I can’t rewrite my past,  so now the goal is to rewrite the next round.  Improve the future. 

I had a dream about being an artist, having done an image of Kuan Yin, and seeing the impact that my image had years after the fact. It was so vivid I might be able to reproduce the image from memory.

 In the dream the image stemmed from an experience I’d describe as Kuan Yin appearing to me. It was very intense and awe inspiring. On one hand it helped clear the air of the pattern I’m holding in regards to those people loving and leaving. I did feel an intense energetic release. 

  On the other hand what good does such an experience do if I’m still hot sweaty itchy cranky, not able to fully let go,  and not able to continue to remain buoyant. So more teetering,  more up in my head,  more sweaty,  & no good solutions at the moment. Everything is overwhelming and nothing lasts long enough to help me find the positive tipping point. I’ll continue to hang in and get by and keep chopping away at the blockages in my head. & maybe, just maybe, one day I’ll find that tipping  point & my llife, this illusion,  will start to improve. 

——-

UPDATE:

The luke warm shower in an air conditioned building,  followed by salad dinner (also in air conditioning), helped drastically.

I got super cranky earlier because I desperately wanted air conditioning,  and didn’t allow myself to make a decision quickly to accommodate my own desires.  I’ve really got to work on that.  By the time I got us headed to showers I was overheated and dehydrated.  Not a good combination and one that could have been avoided.  Meh.

Ian fed my own crap back  to me several times over the day & evening,  and now he’s fighting sleep.  Yet, I watched him count to 6 on  his own,  and he figured out how to get napkins out of a cantankerous dispenser without shredding them. It made me realize that some of his feeding things back to me is really because he’s so smart he’s figured out quite well how to push my buttons.  Like the moment where the waitress tried to talk to him,  and he opened his mouth with a huge grin to show her what he was chewing.  Let’s just say it ended the waitress trying to talk to him, & embarrassed me, all in one fell swoop.  He accomplished two desires with one very efficient action. Yikes. That was just one of many moments like that today. 

I told Nathan we’re  in trouble if we don’t figure out how to keep his brain busy,  starting now! Nathan agreed pointing out that when he can’t produce motion to stay awake, he starts engaging his brain to stay awake. He turns into a proverbial little engine that could figuring out whatever thing is closest.  Both a blessing and a curse, I just hope I can keep up.  

Having that family of multiple adults would sure help with keeping up and keeping him challenged.  Mmmm. That would sure be nice. AND a home with modern conveniences again, would be nice too. I can say our family lived 16 months without plumbing or AC, and though we could continue to do so,  I’m so ready to have a gentle easy solution to move into a nice home with both. That’s what I’m going to focus  on as I go to sleep tonight. 
Hocus pocus focus (Drew). 

– Abraham Hicks (& me: we used to tell our dog Drew to focus)