Many blessings. May everything go well, better than expected. May you find desires fulfilled. May you be surrounded by people that care about you. May you have a big loving family, chosen or by birth, either is a great thing. May you know your value and see others honor it. May you have great things to look forward to. May the new year bring you a fresh perspective and fresh attainable goals.
So I have come to a place of resignation. My humanly efforts will likely never get me to my great grand dreams of Atira. So I’m letting them remain dreams while I work with the here and now in front of me. Assuming they will always be dreams, and were never actually intended to come true, somehow takes the sting out of their feeling so far out of reach.
Anyway, I put a lot of time on my grand dome home design last night, and some more today. I used it as a distraction from a hiccup in the mortgage process for our good enough home. ( I’ll post images of the dome designs last.)
Essentially, even though I single-handedly supported and kept my family with a roof over their heads for the last decade, it came down to needing a cosigner. I make enough for the loan amount we requested, but because I took a “real job” for most of the last 2.5 years it affected my self-employment income levels. They can’t count the job because I’m no longer full time there, but they can’t count previous tax returns for the same reason. It came down to 3 options.
1. Fully audited profit and loss costing 10 grand and taking 30 days, but which would prove beyond a shadow of a doubt that I made as much as I say I did.
2. Start over with another mortgage company and risk losing our choice house because the seller might not agree to time extension.
3. Scramble to find and file paperwork for a cosigner, and cross fingers we make it through completely by Thursday this week.
Nathan’s dad agreed to facilitate the third long enough to enable doing a refinance ASAP later.
Which, by the way, I will not use the mortgage company we chose at the start of this process. I was livid that this current company didn’t catch this hiccup right away. I would not have paid for the inspection and thus not have gotten attached to buying a home until after this year’s taxes had been filed, and then could be counted without using a costly time consuming process.
As it is, I spent 2 days doing everything I would for my taxes for them to say they really needed the audit. Then I oscillated between livid angry shakes and wanting to cry because all my efforts still don’t matter to anyone else. I screamed a few times when alone, and ranted at the mortgage broker twice over the phone for her fuck-up.
At this point we’re half packed and I have already set plans in motion for the logistics of the move and post move. Not to mention having taken 4 days off of work when holidays are already eating 2.5 days. So, I find myself convincing my brain that it will work out, and we’ll move on-time for a Happy Yule and Merry Christmas. When that slips, I switch to a pleasant distraction or meditation, and occasional pacing.
I am determined that not only am I getting this home on time, I will also have it paid for in full in 5 years or less. On my own.
There is an element of wishing I had my other person, my significant-other. As much as I feel good about eventually finding the “HA I did it myself!”- especially knowing I do always get to see that light; there is another much larger part wishing I didn’t have to work so hard to prove my deserving-ness to others. Like really, if the damned mortgage broker had paid attention, this process could have waited 5 months and been much smoother on me. Yet, if there was a significant-other that was part of the family, then the cosigner would have been an original intention with extra legal protections for that person, not a last minute back-up plan. There are just so many ways this could have gone better and easier, but alas I have no significant-other life-partner at this time, AND I got the crappy mortgage broker that is only used to dealing with people that have “good jobs”. RAWR!
Anyways, rant aside, my distractions have been worthwhile. There is the poly-family dome-home designs for Atira. There have been wrap-ups of shirt designs for other people. There was holiday gifting and cards to write, and brainstorming a white elephant gift for an upcoming parent holiday party. Additionally, there was quite a bit of time invested in reading books, working with the stock market, and playing Magic Cards with my friend and people he knows.
I have to say that the card games were a blast. I finally felt reacquainted with the game enough, that I ventured out to play at the store with a full group. We did the new Commander Style, and it was great fun, especially since I was getting to test out a brand new to me deck that was a gift. I played 4 rounds, I think, though my brain was mush by half way through the last round. One round there were 5 players at the table and it was a lot to keep up with. Luckily I was not the only one in the “newbie” category, so they went gentle on me. I still died every time, as I’m not up to speed enough to win one yet.
The funniest moment to me was sitting at a table full of people my age and the one teenager looked just like one of the kids in the home-school group. I knew it wasn’t the same kid by name, but it was uncanny how similar they were. I appreciated that the players which I knew were very skilled and good at strategy, were kind to the teenager and the even the two of us older but currently inexperienced players. What was also funny was all of us older players reminiscing of back in the day when we played using certain cards. At one point someone played a card that was “Llanowar Rebirthed”, and I found myself saying I remembered playing a green deck that had Llanowars (not re-birthed) in it. That stirred a whole conversation on old cards. It was good fun. I had a really great time, and look forward to another day like that… Hopefully my schedule will allow for it sooner than later.
Finally I really wanted to check in on my progress with weight-loss and my health in general. I know that I have had lots of positive comments lately, but with the holiday season and my known food fails, I haven’t been able to see my progress myself. I still feel like I’m just treading water. So, I had Nathan pull some really old pictures.
First were my High-school Senior Portraits, done by a highly respected local lady in 2001. I know I weighed 280 pounds.
The following are from 2010 to 2012, before I started my health journey, my peak I weighed 300 pounds ( I quit weighing myself at 295, and I know I exceeded that for quite some time.) All of these pictures were taken by Nathan, some in professional mode, some in family mode.
The next 3 were from 2013, as I was beginning my health journey, and just before I had lost enough weight to conceive Ian. They were taken about a month after our trip to Cleveland by train where another passenger told me about Iodine and Borderline Thyroid conditions. That had led to the beginning of loosing weight, and was I definitely beginning to feel better.
Finally, these are current. Top left (red velvet shirt) being from right now.
I can kind of see the changes, but I have to really look at the pictures from a shapes and contour perspective to see the differences. I wish I could tell better. I suppose I will never be the size 6-8 person that we’re all supposed to be able to maintain. Perhaps that is like my dream of Atira.
Anyway, I am really attempting to see the positives, and it seems that I am having to stretch quite a bit to do so, so I’ll leave you with links and Images of Atira. I will eventually get my dome designs finished and 3-D models rendered. Considering this is a sideline for fun, I’ve gotten quite a ways in my very rare spare time.
Finally for those designs in progress: I haven’t touched the first floor at all yet, so I will put up the rest. What you can’t see here are all the guides and rulers and grids that I have used to align everything and make sure proportions are accurate. The jpg for the crows nest looks massive in comparison, but it is merely an export output result, it is very much the appropriate size in the CorelDRAW file.
May you all see your good. May you be aware of your progress. May you have an easy time conveying your strengths and deserving-ness. May others appreciate you and may your life improve incrementally in noticeable ways. May you see the good in everyone and feel the love. May you have dreams that are more reachable, and may you have solutions for your here and now. May you always feel the knowing that everything is okay and you will get through. May your tough times be short lived and well rewarded.
So this week has brought ups and downs. I had a lot of emotional roller coaster riding, which the acupuncturist was uncomfortably quick to point out the cause. (Am I really that transparent?) It was a combination of hormones from trying to sync up with the rest of the female staff, in addition to liver heat and congestion I stirred up from doing cupping on my arms. Yea… not. As TCM practitioners, they were very helpful with some herbs for the emotional side, and needles for the physicality, and I took extra walks for the anti-inflammatory benefits. I can say after several days I am doing better.
I did also get a fair amount of wonderful artwork in, both digitally and by hand.
I was able to complete the first shirt design I posted about previously, and with a minimum of edits. Mainly they had me change font once, take out a few of the contour lines in the figure, and adjust colors. In my book that’s an excellent start for only having done 5 commissions in the last 12 years. They then requested a second shirt and a business sign, which I have drafts pending for. I am super appreciative of not only being able to play with my design software, but for having gotten the commission work as well. It feels really good to be doing a variety of things that I am good at.
I told Nathan that I always was really good at giving people what they asked for. Mainly because I don’t like having to rebuild or make significant time consuming changes. I would much rather ask enough questions up front to get the idea, and hit the mark as close as possible on the first try. Fonts are almost always where the edits come in, as I have so many fonts that I tend to aim for more creative, and sometimes the plain fonts are more desired by the customer. The customer is always right, and their font preferences will always win.
Regardless, within a day or two I will likely clear my 3rd design approval, and that is in addition to working full time as a massage therapist. That is happy dance worthy in my book.
Now pile on top of that having had enough time to do some coloring and I am feeling much more buoyant. I chose a mandala and colored in between clients. The day I started it, I was wearing the colors that I started the mandala with- blues and lavenders. The office manager thought that was amusing, and after she pointed it out, I did too. I kept coloring and began to realize I had been coloring in the chakra palette. Blues and violets being throat, third eye and crown. Pinks and greens being for heart chakra, and yellow for solar plexus. By that point, having accidentally accomplished that much, I decided to finish the mandala in appropriate progression.
Here are the results, which I’m super happy with:
I also accomplished some really amazing massage work this week helping a client with multiple-decades-old scar tissue and what she thought was an underdeveloped scapula. After some very intense myofascial release, I was able to show her that not only were her shoulder blades the same size, but that the damaged shoulder was capable of laying flat. I also helped not one, but two people, with major constriction in their hips. It was a very good massage week.
My final note of upswing is in the image I began with. It is the design for my dream dome home. I’m working on turning my sketches into drafted images. Obviously, I’ve barely gotten started as it was a low priority. I won’t be building it next week, and unless a miracle happens, probably not this year. So, it falls last on the list after all other computing and design work wraps up. Considering I’ve literally only devoted a few precious minutes to it, I think I have a great start. I am so looking forward to finishing it.
I leave you with the following blessings:
May you find joy in your work and time enough for other joys.
May you have days filled with beauty, and the emotional fortitude to breathe and see it.
May you have more than enough, and ample miracles in your life.
Finally, may you see your strengths and your own inner beauty and light.
My fantasy this morning was the idea of my adulting room and bathroom in the main home of Atira. Not just for the obvious reasons.
This morning I thought about how nice it would be to have a bathroom where everyone actually kept their stuff orderly and clean, where teenagers didn’t get my Q-tips soggy with their face scrubby, and where each other’s toiletries and accessories were respected. Then I thought of how nice it would be to get to chill out time on one of those giant love sack cushions, just the simplicity of an hour of silence away from children in comfort. An hour of alone time relaxation: adult serenity. That would be so wonderful. I very much look forward to one day having my dome with the 3rd floor child-free room and bathroom. That will be nice, to access those things regularly.
Though wonderful thoughts they were, I’m not sure that my ET had anything to do with them. However, that divine masculine did suggest the trip to Unity Village on my day off.
I’ve been aware of Unity Village for several years now, ever since a friend stayed at their hotel to regroup and avoid divorce. She needed the alone time I’m always seeking, and retreat to Unity for several days provided that for her.
So this last Sunday, we took the kids to a giant playground in Lee’s Summit and while there I thought of it and asked Nathan to check it out. He said that is great idea, and since he’d actually gone before he was happy to take me.
We wandered their campus gardens and fountains for a while and Nathan showed us things by car, both on the way in and out.
Their flowers were beautiful and the fountains gorgeous and I took lots of pictures in between attempting to keep my children out of the water.
What I was most interested in was the peaceful nature their grounds carry, I absolutely loved that. They have definitely found a way to allow the serenity of the chapel to flow everywhere. I really appreciated that this week.
I also enjoyed noting how much of Unity Village overlaps with my idea of Atira. This is a third intentional community with many of the elements of what I desire in Atira. Really if I could take Unity Village, Lily Dale, and Camp Gaea and relocate them to the same physical place, using mostly monolithic dome construction, you’d have my Atira.
I love that Unity Village had its own power plant and water tower.
I also love that their water tower doubled as office space, that was a really cool element that you don’t often see.
I loved that they had a school, as I’ve always wanted that for Atira, at least in the long-range plans.
I loved that they had work-out facilities.
I loved that they had a bookstore and coffee shop… that’s similar to a portion of the shops I have wanted at Atira.
I loved the hotel being a solution for temporary housing.
I loved that their village was all people that worked or somehow supported Unity Village. Permanent resident caretakers. That’s what I’ve always wanted for Atira.
I loved the connection to the divine and the many ways they found to incorporate that into the overall environment.
I loved that much of the structures were built with conservation and reusable materials in mind – recycled concrete made several of their archways.
I loved noting all the beautiful elements and things that Unity shares with my concept of Atira, it was a much needed serene detour of experience and thought. Yet another validation that my idea is entirely reachable and sustainable. One day.
So I give gratitude for my spirit making the suggestion. I give gratitude for the time on a day off to experience the village. I give gratitude for diversity of thought and those that have come before. I give gratitude for the serenity and validation. I give gratitude for the desire for more. I give gratitude to the divine helping to water my seeds of Atira.
May you all have expansive moments of validation that you are on the right path. May you all find the things you seek in your present moments, and may you all feel your connection guiding you to greater awareness and appreciation.
First: I wanted to update everyone. I finally went ahead and registered my domain as myhandsaregod.net The original format with “.wordpress.com” does redirect you to my new domain, but just in case you have any troubles in the future I wanted to reference the information directly.
Beyond that I wanted to write a post of thanks. Giving thanks is not just for the winter holiday season and is a good thing to practice regularly. I am far better than I used to be, but often find that I still have lapses in gratitude. Today’s instance though, started as a mental giving thanks for the vacation that I so much enjoyed, while my body was engaged in my returning to work. It felt so good to acknowledge for myself that I wanted to share my thoughts.
Thank you God: the divine, the universe, Shiva, etc., and my greater spirit self.
Thank you for helping to guide me into the journey of saving and planning for such a big and wonderful vacation.
Thank you for putting people and situations and resources in my path to help accomplish that.
Thank you for helping me to find and keep my alignment as often as possible to continue to make positive changes in my life.
Thank you for helping me to do my job well and to save the resources I earned.
Thank you for helping others to find and maintain their alignment as well.
Thank you for enabling me to do healing work and to flow energy where people need it most.
Thank you for continually sending me ample work, which ensures I always have enough.
Thank you for all your blessings and assistance in my life, may I be able to remain in alignment as much as possible to do good things on your behalf.
Thank you to my family (including mom, brother, sister-in-law, niece and nephew).
Thank you for helping to create the wonderful vacation I was able to experience.
Thank you for being in alignment and seeing my need for that rest.
Thank you for helping with the resources and planning of the trip.
Thank you for being there with me to experience the beauty and fun and relaxation.
Thank you for just being in my life and being caring family.
Thank you for being you.
Thanks to my human self.
Thank you for hanging in all the times that things got rough.
Thank you for doing your best to keep yourself healthy.
Thank you for working so hard to bring 2 beautiful children into this world.
Thank you for teaching yourself how to change your brain.
Thank you for healing yourself.
Thank you for learning and practicing how to relax.
Thank you for finding and staying in alignment as much as possible.
Thank you for focusing so well that the resources were saved and the trip was accomplished.
Thank you for allowing yourself to rest and relax.
Thank you for finding the beauty and enjoyment.
Thank you for what you do for others, and for helping others to relax and release pain.
Thank you for just being you and all that you are and do.
There’s more but I forgot the words and I need to do 2 more massages today, starting in 20 min…. To keep moving…
May you all find your moments to give thanks and find gratitude, and may you all have wonderful beautiful journeys that include enough rest and relaxation.
That was the view from the Thuya bluff in Northeast Harbor on Mount Desert Island.
This is the view out the passenger window as I ride the last couple of hours home.
I find myself in a strange dichotomy. Wishing I were back in Maine, but acknowledging that returning to existing work in KC is easier for now. I know I would very much dislike Maine Winters and regardless of destination, a big move like that would require starting over rebuilding the trust I have earned with companies in KC. Though not impossible, it’s not something I wish to tackle as a sole provider (familialy speaking) again. So for now, easing back into flat boringness is the path of least resistance.
The last day of my vacation I toured Thuya Gardens in Northeast Harbor with my mom, sister in law, and niece. It was very beautiful. I was able to capture the beauty in dozens of pictures, but I’ve narrowed it to some of my favorites here.
After the gardens I was treated to a carriage ride through Acadia with the girls. It was also a very beautiful experience that gave me an even deeper appreciation of the beauty on the island. It was also very informative as to how Acadia came into being and some of the history of the area and the island. Again I took many pictures, but here’s a smaller sampling. To me it is simply breathtaking beauty.
Here are some of the last few moments in the beautiful Great Pond military campground. I enjoyed the peaceful solitude so much I sincerely hope I can go back at some point before my brother retires. I could spend hours just sitting on that screened porch, and I never did get to do my kyaking excursion.
Finally, I’ll close with our stop in Boston. I had been there as a kid, but Anya wanted to go back. We toured the USS Constitution and then went and found China Town so that Anya could get the experience of a well rounded China Town district… Of course along with the experience of a more authentic meal experience.
Grandma and I were a bit overwhelmed with the China Town bit, but overall it was a wonderful trip and vacation as a whole.
I can’t help but compare my experience of KC the last decade, to my experience traveling through 11 states in two timezones, with all our stops and experiences. Layer that with a new knowledge that as long as you aren’t taking about waterfront properties, there’s only a slight increase in cost of living from KC. Now I wish even more there was a way to find the land and build my Atira in my dreams.
Perhaps the journey to that realization isn’t as long as I think. I know I experienced things on this trip that gave me hope, other things that solidified the possibility of Atira for me, and others yet that fine tunned some of my asking. I also had a few experiences on the spiritual side of things that leave me a mixed bag of emotions. Regardless, I keep reminding myself that in the grander scheme of things the journey is the destination. My journey continues on as I return to Kansas City for another leg to play out here.
May you all have wonderful journeys of expansion and many things to look forward to. May you all find your breathtaking beauty in this world.
This is a quick update to show you the amazing breath taking beauty I’ve seen the last couple of days. Though I have hundreds of thoughts on my experiences, I wish to spend as little time on the net as possible, especially since tomorrow is my last full day of vacation.
Then 3 days of travel to arrive back in KC. As much as this feels like home, and as much as I’d like to make it so, alas for now I must sick to plans. Nathan and I discovered property values and costs of living are only slightly higher than landlocked flat KC and Johnson County. So perhaps long term I might find a way…. Only God knows.
For now pictures of more hikes, Bar Harbor & Sand Bridge and the Margaret Todd sail trip, with a singular video (inspired by some of the HAL induced notifications I received before the trip), for my person who’s out there somewhere.
It’s not my home, and at the moment I wouldn’t have a clue as to how to attempt to make it become so, but this place is so beautiful. It makes me know that my dream of Atira is possible, and though I am in mountains near the ocean, is not the same mountains I’ve seen in my dreams of Atira.
Our cabin is so far out and so far down in a valley that even the new cell tower a mountain over is not providing any more than spotty service. My phone will only do calls and texts without WiFi. The main Lodge does have WiFi available now which wasn’t available in previous years, but it’s unsecured and at certain times of the day everyone wants to partake in it.
I have not minded any of that inconvenience because it’s so beautiful here. It also helps that our “cabin” is as spacious as our actual home in KC, just formatted differently.
We went to Acadia NP on Tuesday and I hiked for hours stopping to let kids play on Sand Beach. I think we covered about 1.25 miles of coastline out and back, but there was abundant rock climbing to be had, so I’m sure my steps were more like 4 miles, maybe more. We made it to Thunder Hole from Sand Beach before my shoulder and back started screaming from having been wearing both Katherine and a backpack full of diapers and snacks. We decided to call it quits on walking/hiking but returned to our van and made several more stops for viewing pleasure. By the end of the day I’d gotten a significant sunburn that was mildly uncomfortable, so I spent that evening coating myself in lavender and aloe to heal it up.
The teens went with my brother and his wife on an epic 4 mountain hike, covering over 5 miles of trails and taking nearly 6 hours. Anya said she loved the views, but it was a bit much for her, and was nearly in tears asking if she could have just a little Beach time before we drove away. We took her to otter cove just as the tide was coming in and she was happy as clam.
I told her we’d head back at least once before our vacation was up and she was much relieved.
That is today. We’re due to pull out in an hour or 2 to go ride the Margaret Todd ship and explore Bar Harbor which apparently also has a beautiful sandy beach to walk on. My brother explained at low tide the beach connects to a small island with waking trails. I’m so looking forward to it.
My brother’s wife explained that you can’t see it all in one trip, they’ve been coming here for one week of every summer for 7 years and still haven’t done it all.
For now I’ll leave you with some pictures of Acadia and our cabin at the military campground in Great Pond. May you all have beautiful experiences that feel like home.
Cabin & surroundings:
Finally, after our busy couple of days, I enjoyed drinks and dinner with my family during a rain shower from the cabin screened in porch. I ate and drank too much that I shouldn’t have, so felt the aftermath this morning, but I thoroughly enjoyed myself last night. Sunburn and all. Happiness.
P.S. I’ve felt my connection very strongly over the last couple of days, and hoping it means something super wonderful. May you all feel your connections of clarity and bliss.
So yesterday was a very interesting day full of discernment.
I had several moments where residents passed on messages for me from afar/spirit. It was not quite as intense as the couple of times in recent history which I already wrote about, but intense none the less. I would share them here, but one of the phrases that I received from the second resident to do so, makes me think I should refrain from sharing yesterday’s experiences for now. She is a resident that is severely affected by something along the lines of Lewy-Body, and most of the time I can barely understand her. Yesterday however, the message was loud and clear and makes me cautiously, yet excitedly, anticipate my nearer future. It was unclear if what was being conveyed would be before, during, or after our family trip, but I interpreted it to be a good thing regardless.
On that note, I’m not a good liar, it’s one of many reasons why I prefer honesty. I find that in situations where I am not supposed to talk about something I just avoid full discussion and become evasive, often redirecting or changing the topic all together. So, this is as much as you get until I get further notice from either the divine or the person it was regarding. All in all, other than wishing to disclose my reason for excitement, I am just happy to have had a good day.
I felt my connection all day yesterday, to varying degrees, and whether it is my mystery person of the last several years or a divine connection I’ve come to refer to as “my ET”: I’m still not sure. I’m not so sure it isn’t the same thing, perhaps “my ET” simply used HAL to be a mystery person in my experience. Who knows; I don’t. One day, perhaps after I die it will become clear. However, for now, I relish the connection, and I am utterly grateful for it, even when I find myself saying “WTF- what is happening?!” It is strong and mostly feels good to great, and affects my body in a number of ways which I occasionally have trouble describing with the English language. Of course sometimes the sensations would make anyone blush, so I’d just rather keep those descriptions to myself. Mostly I find it pleasurable, but occasionally I get a pit in my stomach or feel very anxious from it. At those times I am still grateful to have the experience, but often wish that particular aspect would subside quickly.
Anyway, yesterday was mostly good, and felt great, but in the evening I thought that I would have a drink with dinner- partly to celebrate the good day, and partly to mellow out and relax. I had a singular hard cider with 5% alcohol. I was very quickly sloshed, even to the point of slurring words and silliness, and afterward the fall off was anything but mellowing. It was more like jumping off the cliff and I got very tired and quite cranky. I apologized to myself, my family, and especially to the connection. It was far more intense of a response than I had intended with my one normal drink.
Further discernment came late in the night after having slept for a few hours I woke with intense gastro-intestinal cramping and nausea. I took some homeopathic medicine we usually give to Katherine for her allergy induced colic, went to the bathroom, and then went back to sleep. I woke this morning mostly back to normal.
My discernment here is that I have cleaned my system up so much that even a little of some things is too much for me. My phrase this morning is that I no longer find my enjoyment in foods and drinks. I am definitely coming to terms with my body desiring to only have enough healthy foods for sustenance, and that I really don’t need anything else.
The up side is that I am dropping weight again, I’m down almost 15 pounds in a little over 2 weeks. That causes me to do a happy dance because it is in direct contrast to the 50 pounds I had gained working the activities job the prior 9 months, and being surrounded by all the things my body was attempting to say no to.
My calorie intake has dropped significantly, not intentionally. I am still eating frequently, in fact more frequently than before. However, I’m just sticking to that handful of healthy foods that my body is okay with. Some days I feel like I am a fish because I find myself consuming other fishes, shrimp, and lots of green leafy things. If it were not for my nut and chicken intake I wouldn’t have anything to argue otherwise.
My nut intake increased intuitively based on a memory of information I had learned on Brazil nuts. So I am literally eating all the nuts except Walnuts (I had reacted to them strongly while pregnant so I’m assuming they are still off limits), and very few peanuts (though I have never reacted to them, they tend to carry high levels of environmental toxins). At the same time, my chicken/poultry/protein-shake intake has decreased, again based on an intuitive flash that I might be consuming more protein than I need.
So my intuition said, more nuts (especially Brazil), less protein, cut the chocolate (addiction), and eat more frequently. Then voila, I am suddenly shedding weight again. I love it when I listen to those flashes, and follow through and it works! That is the best kind of discernment.
So this now tea totaler, wishes you good days filled with intuitively helpful discernment. I also wish for you to have all the messages from the divine that you need and the ability to be honest and open in your life. Be the Change and Be Your Unique Self.
The activities job wanted me back, but they acknowledged why I changed in the first place and asked me what my realistic request would be to take the position back. I consulted with an acquaintance, my husband, and did the math up one side and down the other. I knew my number was way out of reach. Essentially to take the job back and have a solid day off, they would have had to pay me $24 an hour to compensate for lost massage wages. Since I knew that was way out of reach, I decided I would come down a bit and try to do some of my massage in the evenings to eliminate having to release all of the one days’ wages, but still have a day off. The compromise was still $22.50 an hour. I figured that was still out of reach, but I gave them my honest carefully calculated answer.
Their response was that they appreciated me and would love to have me back, but couldn’t go quite that high. I said thank you and that I understood.
Then today, I had a really good day with a full massage schedule and everyone left with good comments on certain things I had done. Plus there was good tipping to be had. One person said it was the best massage she’d ever had, and another asked me what I put in the oil because it made her so relaxed she felt loopy. She confessed that she doesn’t get massages often, so since she loved it she’d be back, but wasn’t sure when.
As I was telling Nathan about my day, he said so you’re like Heisenberg then.
I replied “Heisenberg’s uncertainty principle?!”
He said “I’m not sure if that’s where it came from, but I was referencing the main character in Breaking Bad when he called himself Heisenberg to have a cool name to use for his cover, so that people would know he’s really good because he knew his stuff.”
I said ok and then explained what the Heisenberg Uncertainty Principle was. Then said aloud, I guess it’s not everyday you hear a massage therapist explain particle physics. Then acknowledged I hadn’t put any brain space into that concept for over 15 years. It was a moment of wow, but damn my brain really does latch onto everything for good.
Anyway, the long and short of it is that Nathan’s show analogy is probably accurate, but in an odd way, even the principle itself kinda applies. Either way you look at it, I know my stuff. I’m good at whatever I give my attention to, and for the first time in my life I’m finally beginning to acknowledge that for myself. That feels really good.
May you all find your moment of self appreciation.