Category Archives: When I’m not so crazy

The world needs more like my mom.

First I wanted to share a YouTube video that was a good reminder for me. I told a friend the thing I dislike the most of everything going on is the polarization, fighting, and fear that an awful lot of people wish to participate in. This video is a slight twist to things I’ve suspected and suggested myself, but her words are better at conveying it.


Now for my intended topic :

For every failure my dad demonstrated, every trauma incurred by him in my childhood, my mom showed brilliance. In fact she is the one that I credit for keeping me from being completely like my dad, and teaching me better ways to live .

My mom was my protector, as much as she could be. My mom was my support, the kindness in my world. She taught me how to care about others through kindness and her own personal charity workings.

She knew how to apologise, and her biggest faults were apologizing too much and falling prey to dad’s dominance and a general poverty loop.

My memories of mom are exact opposites to the memories of dad. Where dad is mostly negative memories with a smear of positive ones, my mom is mostly positive ones with a smear of negative (and really the few negatives tie back to dad in one way or another).

My mom was the person in our family that was always doing something to help people that were less fortunate.

I remember one Christmas season my mom was worried that we ourselves would not have a holiday celebration of any significance, and knew she needed to rely on K-Mart’s layaway program to even try to provide a holiday. However, she knew someone that was struggling even worse than our family was. Their family had 3 small children and when she went to put our toys on layaway at K-Mart she picked 3 small toys for the other family to include in her layaway purchase. I remember her being worried about timing because the last payment was due right before Christmas, but ultimately she made it work and both our family and theirs had a holiday that year.

Then there was our next-door neighbor when I was about 4 years old. It was an elderly lady that had emphysema from having smoked for her whole life. The lady lived alone and had no close family to help her. She continued to smoke even while using oxygen. My mom promised her that she would come clean her mobile home and make some food for her if she promised not to smoke while her and I were there. The house always smelled strongly of cigarettes and I disliked being there, and often the lady would have a cigarette ready to light as soon as we left. Yet she never actually smoked when we were over, and my mom did continue to help her every week until we had to move away. My mom never charged her anything, only asked she pay for any groceries paid for on her behalf.

My mom was big on helping at Christmas time. She would always find an acquaintance or co-worker that was having a particularly difficult year. Sometimes she would give gifts, sometimes decorations. Occasionally, if we were having a good year she would do both. I remember several years where I helped her pick presents for other little girls. One year she helped a Mexican family she worked with and provided much of their Christmas. They had moved to Iowa City not long before that holiday season and were caring for elderly extended family from Mexico. She provided them a whole array of inexpensive decorations and small gifts for kids and even bought them a turkey. My father was very upset with her because she had helped a Mexican family in such a large way. I have always respected her choice and it always bothered me that my father kept pointing out their race.

Help is help, and anyone struggling to get through life deserves help. Those barely getting by, need the boost of a little holiday cheer sometimes, and kind hearts make the world keep functioning. That is a lesson my father missed, because he would help anyone that was white, even druggies, but not a hard working Mexican family. Charity is not about skin color, but honoring someone’s journey as being more difficult than deserved, and making an attempt to help another’s life be just a bit better than yesterday. Everyone deserves that moment.

My mom was also a nurse that mostly worked in nursing homes. Mostly working evening and 3rd shifts, there were several times that my mom would have to take us to work with her and Dad would pick us up on his way home. Hindsight being what it is, I now wonder if those supposed long shifts were parts of his affairs with other women. Regardless, what I remember on those nights is how mom always got along well with her co-workers and was kind to residents. There was one nursing home I actually enjoyed going to because they had a resident cat. The cat had made friends with mom because she was the only one that was really kind to it. So, when us kids went, we were accepted by the cat as being friendly as well. It would hang out and let me pet it the entire time I was there. The same nursing home also had a huge fish tank, or what seemed huge to me, and I loved watching the fish. But really, I remember my mom rubbing backs and convincing people to take medicine because it was good for them. I remember her patiently explaining to people that she would help them as soon as possible.

Is it any wonder I have spent nearly 8 years working with elderly? Or that I get along with my mom far better than my father?

Despite working mostly nights when I was a kid, my mom still cooked and cleaned and took care of us children during the day. I remember when I was really little trying to pry her eyes open and asking her if she was ready to get up yet. She would just say “a little longer can you watch your shows please”. I would watch all the PBS shows including Bob Ross and another lady painter that did adorable little animal paintings. That’s where I got interested in art. When I would get bored with TV I would pretend. I would play family or school or tea party, or lay in sunbeams with my kitty and daydream that the dust flecks were fairies. My stuffed animals were great friends when my mom was resting from her work shift. Then around lunchtime she would spring into action, make me lunch and start cleaning, laundry and prepping for making dinner. As I got older she would let me help by showing me how to dust or make Kool-aid.

Then eventually I started school, being the youngest for many years, and she actually got a full amount of sleep.

I remember spending holiday time baking a whole array of tasty treats with mom. I ate far too many things right out of the oven, but it was just SOOOO tasty. The best part was knowing that many of her delicious treats were for others. Should would make goodie baskets for friends and co-workers, she would give breads and cookies to neighbors. She baked pies to help other families have good holiday dinners. And it wasn’t just at Christmas. When our zucchinis would ripen she would bake loaves and loaves and give away nearly half of them. At Easter she would bake cookies and muffins and give them away with chocolates. On her birthday she would always make two cakes, one for home and one for work. All year round she would cook goodies and half always went to other people. When I was in highschool a neighbor made pickles and she would trade goodies for pickles. They would combine their leftovers for other neighbors to get some of both.

When times were really tough for my mom in Utah she would drive across state line to buy butter by the car full. She would take the butter to her neighbors and sell it cheaper than the Utah taxed butter but more than she paid. When she wasn’t running butter she hauled manure, because one farmer would pay her to clean out animal stalls and another would pay her for the load as fertilizer for crops.

She made dolls and crocheted doll dresses by hand. She baked for profit and for fund raisers for school. She crocheted blankets for friends with babies and would give them as gifts whenever she could. She made clothes for us kids when she couldn’t afford to buy new ones.

I have always felt terrible because the year bullying started for me, she had made me some very pretty dresses for school. Yet, they were not dresses found in stores, so kids noticed. They teased me for not having store clothes and then I didn’t want to wear the dresses. I knew it hurt my mom’s feelings, but the kids were hurting my feelings. There was no good solution. It was the first time I struggled with a problem like that. I have always wanted to make up for it and felt I never could.

I love my mom and I really appreciate everything she did for us and especially for what she tried to do for us. I know she did her best to keep dad’s anger at bay and protect us when she couldn’t keep it away. I know she had more than a few ingenious moments that kept our family afloat when times were tough and she made dollars go far further than most people manage. She was strong and compassionate and caring on multiple levels. She put her kids first and God second, and was always doing her best to make our lives and the lives of those she knew better. She is a kind human being and that is exactly the kind of person this world needs more of. I aim to be like my mom as much as possible, and hope maybe one-day I’ll figure out a step even slightly better.

I love you mom.


May you always have a kind person in your life. May you see acts of kindness all around you and find ways to do them yourself. May you have loving caring parents and be successful in protecting your children from the hurts of the world. May you forgive yourself and others when hurts seem to multiply or affect those you want to show love. May you know your presence in the world is helping others to have a better experience. May you know you are leaving a positive mark on the world. May you know you are loved and safe.

Siva Hir Su

Heart Fire

One day I will learn the meaning of the fire in my heart. Today has been a good day.

I have made many thought progress steps. I know I could not have done anything to change my father’s actions when I was a child. I was there to love him and the rest of my family. The negative moments were not mine to alter or change, merely observe and do my best to do better. I have a tiny inkling that I know how God feels when we have big failures. God loves us and wants us to do better but can not help if we don’t allow it. We have to allow the help to come.

So now I sit with a strong fire in my heart. Somewhere mixed between anxiety, relief, love and burning desire. I know I feel the two halves at the same time again, like so many times from years past.

This time, I sit just feeling. Minuets to go before my next client. I trust that God knows and it is all okay. I will eventually understand. I know I am loved, and this too is a gift. I would not feel it if it wasn’t important somehow. There are far worse feelings, and in the mix is definitely love. That I cherish. It feels like a big hug from afar, but laced with a little unknown.

Unknowns never last, eventually everything in awareness becomes known. I look forward to that day.

May you feel others in your heart and know it is very okay, more a blessing. May you find an easy path to knowing. May you know God supports you. May you accept the journey and enjoy the ride. May you know you are safe. May you find forgiveness for the things you can not change, but rather would not have experienced. May you find a way to help your world be a better place. May you feel the love always.

Siva Hir Su

Abbreviated NLP

After last night’s purge, I still feel raw emotionally, but somehow the other memories have seemed to become more distant all on their own.

There’s memories of my brother and I being told we were fat and lazy and good for nothing. Memories of being told that my brother and I would never amount to anything. A strong memory where I was being bullied at school and my father’s response to my mom was that I was just being a whiney bitch and needed to suck it up.

Memories of discussions about puberty not being on time, mom’s concern was there was something wrong medically, and dad said that I was just too fat and just needed to loose weight. At that time I was maybe only 30 or 40 pounds over average weight and it was a huge blow to my confidence. That really started the I’m fat and ugly self hate. Little did they know I had already dealt with the molestation 5 years prior and had begun to internalize that experience. The emotional damage from all of it, if dealt with then, could have healed and I might have lost that 30 pounds and found normal. As it is, dad’s comments and the lack of true assistance compounded matters and I spiraled into thyroid dysfunction that took another 15 years to even properly diagnose. Add another 6 years of my journey aiming to find real healing, and that takes you to my now, not perfect but better than 6 years ago.

All of these memories reflect my biggest fear: that of being like my father. I have had just enough moments that were similar to my father, that I am scared shitless of ending up like him and traumatizing my children. It is pushing me to do better, try harder, work on myself even more and use all the tools to manage my emotions better.

My NLP message to myself is:

You are a beautiful woman on an incredibly hard journey. I am sorry that you wanted love from others when they simply could not do that, and in fact they could only see the worst response possible. They are off the hook. They will eventually have to take responsibility for their actions, but that is no bearing on your beautiful spirit. I love you. You are worth love, kindness, and respect.

You are amazing. You are strong, far stronger than many women or men. You are healthy and you are finding your way to healing. You will stop this karmic cycle because you can see the problem and have already found some solutions. You are not stopping an empty Prius on dry roads that can stop on a dime. No, you are stopping a karmic freight train, fully loaded with intense emotional baggage, on rails covered in God’s tears. It is going to take a while but can be done. You will do it.

You will master your emotions and find true whole body and whole spirit healing, and you will show your children how to do it too. You are far kinder than your father could even try to be. Your few mistakes are just that and everyone forgives genuine mistakes, so I forgive you too. You are worth respect, you are worth being heard and understood. You have found so many solutions all on your own, that you are winning the war. You and your connection to the divine is all it takes, that is what is guiding you through this journey. You are your own Joan of Arc, and that is the biggest blessing of all.

No one can do this journey for you, and you are the only one that chose this journey. Before even being born you wanted this extremely difficult challenge because you felt you could handle it and come out the other side a far better person. So far, you are accurate. This journey has made you stronger, kinder, more compassionate, more caring. You give people assistance even when they have not earned it or made any action to right their own wrongs. You see the deeper spirit of others and want so much for them to find their way to better. You want them to reconnect and be better. You want to help God even when they don’t want to help themselves.

Your strength is not just mental and emotional, it is physical too. You have taken many steps to better yourself and you are doing it. You are healing your body. Soon people will look at you in disbelief, because what they will see is a person so beautiful it will be hard to believe you ever lived through any of that. You will simply radiate health and love and compassion. The Mother Teresa of your childhood that helped so many, is within you and slowly working it’s way to the surface. You can and will do it. God is rooting for you.

You have protected your family in so many ways, but even more you protected your brothers growing up when you were just a little girl. Simply by being you, carrying the light of innocence, you prevented worse things you didn’t even know about. Your determination to be a better person led you to protect your husband and his daughter when life went wrong. You even aimed to protect your father from himself and the medical system he failed to prepare for, you want and still do want him to have whatever he wants. You have done so much for your little world that you deserve good things. Let God give you the good in life. I love you and you deserve so much more.

You are loved. You have a kind and loving husband and God is now felt even when wading through other’s difficult muck. Your kids forgive you for your mistakes, they love you too. You are doing great and the love you already have is enough, but there will eventually be even more.

You deserve to have nice things, and it does not make or break other people if you do. You can have things you want and if someone else gets upset over it, it is their own internal problem. You have done so much and overcome so many things that you deserve every reward that you desire. You are a good person and good people deserve to have nice things and go fun places. Good people deserve to travel and see and learn and experience it all. You have every right to have a wonderful life and full health. You deserve happiness and joy in all aspects of your life. Let God show you the way and know you are loved more than any one person could ever manage. I love you.


May you see your traumas dissapate and even disappear. May you see your full worth. May you love and respect yourself in your entirety. May you release others from any of that responsibility. May you know that God supports you and wants better for you. May you find a way to allow all the good to flow into your life. May you know you are loved wholley and completely.

Siva Hir Su