Category Archives: When I’m not so crazy

Echoes of Sunburst Shores

Art piece. Finished 6/2/2022. Started Feb 2022.

9×12 Strathmore Charcoal Paper with laid finish. Prismacolor artist pencils and oil pastels.

Images as follows: my original photographs used for references, googled images used as references, and finally progression of drawing.

Like the commissions I worked on this in just my spare time. I’m going to sit with it for a couple days, then, if satisfied, scan for reproduction and frame.

May you enjoy creative moments. May you find peace in your days. May life be colorfully wonderful always. May your creativity inspire active endeavors. Above all may you know that the divine loves and supports you in all that you do.

Om Shanti

** I decided after an afternoon staring at it, that I needed to revisit the background sky. I decided I didn’t like the gradient I did and thought it should echo the sky inside the shell to reinforce the title. So I’m almost done with the revision. I will update when complete.

I did have to add just a little oil pastel to finish the sky correction.

Readjusted background skyline, really done:

Hung in my office post scan:

Brain Relations

Anecdotal. Based on 1st and 2nd hand accounts in my experience. Take it with a grain of salt.

I’ve already talked about the cvid attacking whatever weak spot someone had. I’ve also already discussed my theory that it sped up manifestation of vibrational patterns.

An example of both; I’ll use Nathan, even though he’ll hate it (sorry honey). He has a pattern of “trying to” learned in youth, and hard to break (same as my patterns). Louise Hay stated in her book that the energy of trying can be a cause of kidney problems and she listed affirmations to solve it- when she wrote the book in the 80’s. The energetics of trying, eventually leads to kidney disease and Louise noted it decades ago, and figured out how to heal it. Nathan caught cvid and between the energetics he carried and meds he took, kidneys was his weakness. It was the first and most drastic hit of his cvid experience. What would have taken an entire lifetime to readily show dis-ease before, was shortened into less than a year.

I’ve seen the pattern repeatedly in everyone I come in contact with, and in their particular variation. But there’s more.

I’ve now had a couple clients mention “Covid Brain” as now being a noticed thing, awareness of it, but no full diagnosis or treatment. I suggested, at first mention, that it’s because doctors are happy to supply antidepressants, but if cvid actually caused damage to the brain it’s not going to be solved by prozac.

But it got me to thinking, especially with my battle and how it manifests. What if it is even more than that.

Because of cvid, I am now an open conduit to others energies, and have picked up on all my ailing relatives, pretty much every client leaves an energetic trail in my body, and even coworkers are impacting my awareness in big ways. I hold none of them responsible, it is just one way cvid affected me, and something I am actively managing. At the same time, I have a hell of a time kicking out negative thoughts. I’ve mentioned all this before. It has made my daily routine cumbersome in an attempt to keep myself up and afloat. I’ve also mentioned before that one of the ways I solve it, is to kick it out as if it was a person in me. Statements like “you are not me and I deserve better”. For the ailments, statements like “this nausea isn’t mine, get the eff out”. It has worked, so I keep doing it. It’s even worked on a bit of toe fungus that suddenly appeared about a month ago. I had a moment where I simply knew it wasn’t mine, and went with it. I mentally and verbally rejected it and now it’s cleared up on its own.

Then there’s this awareness that people are not-so-gradually losing their minds and behaving in atrocious ways, in public, online, everywhere. There are no filters anymore, and people are not-so-gradually getting more and more ludicrous and rediculous.

It has made me think. My brain does that; I respond by analyzing everything from every angle, especially when attempting to produce solutions.

The human brain is the closest thing to a computer that we have outside of electronics. I am not in IT, but have had more than one device killed by electronic viruses. I was in highschool when the Trojan was deleveloped and was crashing computers left and right. I understand the basics of how most computer viruses work.

And I see a parallel.

Computer viruses attack the weakest point and utilize the system to replicate to their own advantage, disabling the system to do anything else. They use whatever available to encourage not just the process, but replication to other devices.

I’m beginning to think that cvid has done just that, but with the human brain and body.

It infiltrated via whatever was our weak point. Nathan was kidneys; for me was thyroid, immune, and brain function itself.

Then once in, it started churning out negative thoughts to encourage other weaknesses to become noticable. I’m beginning to wonder if Nathan’s kidneys took a minor hit (why it took them so long to diagnose), and then the negative thought loop of the virus caused the ship to sink so to speak, and caused the sudden need for dialysis.

It would also explain, how even though I know I have worked my ass off to fix my health, I’m suddenly susceptible to other’s symptoms and had toenail fungus out of nowhere.

If your brain has really been hijacked and you don’t even know, then how can anything be healed. See the problem is many of our thoughts are nonverbal in nature and many of them control organ and body function.

You don’t think “kidneys please clean out my blood today and remove all the toxins”. Your brain just tells them to do so, and a particular chemical storm enables the process.

Now imagine instead, that the entire process is being controlled by a virus that intends to hoard everything it desires (toxins and nutrients alike), starve your body &/or organs of what is needed, and keep you alive just long enough to spread the virus further.

So now your kidneys are told go into standby function, and you don’t even know it, you weren’t aware anything changed, and it isn’t something you can see the results of immediately.

What then? How you do make a virus controlling your body in a negative manner, stop?

Do everything possible in opposition.

It’s been my plan all along and it is working. People have watched me and noticed my bad days in a variety of ways. They have seen the chaos and worried about me. They have noticed lots of things and not understood what I was attempting to convey. But I’m winning. I’m a winner, and always have been. I’m kicking this one in the ass, it’s just really slow going.

How?

By doing all the things that have always worked for me, regardless of what my brain tries to tell me, or how I feel at the moment.

I kick out every negative thought that I do notice. I take every opportunity to note and abolish anything that I know for certain isn’t mine. I tell my body things about how amazing it is and how it works so splendidly in certain ways (you may have noticed some of this in my poetry of late). I acknowledge that I am practicing all the good healthy habits as much as anyone in my shoes could. I am doing everything right, and I am certain of it because of my years of experience and previous history. I simply know that I am doing an amazing job kicking an insidious beast of a chronic infection in the ass. I label that beast with many different labels based on the context and factors involved, but in every situation I am acknowledging “this thing is toxic, it is lieing to me/my body, get it out, I deserve better”.

Simple and complex simultaneously.

I’ve even talked with Nathan about this quite a bit. He has been reading “Becoming Supernatural” by Dr. Joe Dispensa. It was recommended by one of my clients on a parallel journey, and it had helped her with some action steps, so he has been putting it to action in meditating on growing a new kidney. But I have encouraged him further. I suggested: What if the kidney failure was virus lies? Take self talk into the realm of opposition. AKA: My kidneys were lied to, they work just fine, and all the elements and descriptors that you do know to be true. Fill in the gaps where medicine can’t. I told him to tell himself he is healing and that his kidneys are improving and what that would look like. We discussed the visible signs to watch for, assuming it will work, including bringing up the memory of being over-dialized.

I told him to treat his brain like a computer fighting a virus. Quarantine every noticable instance. Delete contaminated files, and/or restore to prior version. Overwrite thought patterns that allow the virus to flourish.

There is no human antivirus (stupid vaccine did nothing truly helpful). So, we have to individually create our own mental antivirus software, we have to catch every bit of it ourselves. We have to eliminate every instance ourselves and create better every moment. We have to make it obvious to the virus that it isn’t welcome in our brain or body, and do everything it would rather we not do. Make it want to leave.

If you have to take up writing poetry to help yourself focus on that. Then do it. Make art with that goal. Take supplements that help even if your brain contrives nausea. Exercise even when your brain tries to convince you that you’re too tired. Stretch to fix stiffness. Salt baths to help stiff, sore, or bogged down with other’s energies. Eat stupid healthy, even if your brain tries to convince you otherwise. Eliminate stress every way possible. Turn your back on arguments or negatives you can’t control.

Anything and everything needed to nix negatives and replace with positives.

Like NIKE- Just do it.

And don’t expect a miracle… Hope for it if you want, pray for it too, but more just allow yourself the time and space to enable your body to do what it was designed to do. And it does take time.

We were first round- January 2020, and positive Omicron January 2022, with maybe 2 rounds during Delta timeframe (unconfirmed despite avid testing). I’ve watched clients, friends, family, all deal with the aftermath, some in denial but still very obviously in the midst of it. I’ve wrangled my own long-haulers, while navigating for my immediate family, because they all really on me. I’m still not 100% clear, but I’m far enough that I can see the trajectory enough to believe I’m over the hump. Regardless, I can tell by the way I feel and results I’m getting that I’m on the right track. I will win this, and my writing this post is in hope that it will help others. After this post I’ll likely go back to mostly poems.

FYI. One last note. I’m a bit stunned how much of what Abraham Hicks has been teaching for the prior 15 years applies directly to this sentiment. I’m really just rewording their message, but with emphasis on how it applies to fixing the damage and resetting your body to original standards. It’s almost like they knew this was inbound and we needed the mechanics I just described, to fix it. I know I have it down well enough to maintain stasis. Now I just need to move into solid improvement enough to be visible to others.

May you see the process and how to clear the hump. May you clear all the negatives and heal fully. May you understand the fullness of things in your experience and how they might help yourself and others around you. May you know that you can win against this or anything else. May you see the miracle of your body and know anything that isn’t yours doesn’t belong. May you have a clear and relatively easy path to the solution. May you know you can do it. Above all may you know that the divine loves and supports you in all that you do.

Om Shanti

Refill.

Empty candle jars from the last year. (I saved all the decent glass jars, especially ones with labels I liked.)

Plus

$8 in wax (in addition to remnants) and $6 of wicks

Equals: 3 hours in the kitchen refilling candles.

May you have good ways to be kind to our environment. May you enjoy hobby activities and recycling. May you always have plenty of light in your life. May you light a candle for your own spirit and another for peace in the world. Above all may you know that the divine loves and supports you in all that you do.

Om Shanti

Continuation

I was in the middle of meditation when my inner self said I needed to share the words I’m using, and the experience of thier effects for me.

So here goes my best meditative post for the day.

I am here.
I am a miracle.
I am a miracle for having made it through this far.
I am a miracle because of my body and my brain, and their awe inspiring ability to heal.
I am a healer just by virtue of being alive.

I feel the light that those statements bring to my awareness, as a warm tingly sensation spreading through my body and brain. Then the light starts to produce pressure in certain areas. Those are the edges of where the flow is blocked, just like how a trigger point resists my touch.

Repeat. I am here.
I am a miracle.
My body is a miracle.
My brain is a miracle.
I am alive because of the miracle healing mechanisms in my body.
I made it through everything just by being me and choosing to live.

The pressure grows to be more noticeable. I give it the attention it needs just as I would a trigger point. Acknowledge it is there. Something caused it to be hurt and the hurt got stuck in a way that is cutting off the love, the flow of life in your body.

I am sorry that those things happened, and I'm sorry that they never healed. I deserved better than that, and I am the one that failed to give myself what was needed to heal at the time. I am sorry.

I love you (pressure/pain space). I love myself enough to fix it now. I have given myself all of the tools my body needs to mend, I made sure of it by taking my vitamins and a few very supportive herbs. I made sure of it, because I know that my brain is struggling because it needs something. So regardless of what IT says I'm going to do my best to provide. I am a miracle goddess worthy and deserving of love. Real love.

Discomfort grows, but in smaller areas.

The pressure, the discomfort, is where the light is moving into the damaged spaces. It is uncomfortable because it forces flow to return, it forces life to live again. The damage was never mended, and the only way to bring in healing is to open the wound. God's light is gentler than surgery, but still uncomfortable.

Opening a wound is always going to be painful. But once open the light, the flow, can return.

The relief begins.

The flow brings what was needed all along.

It becomes a gentle loving embrace.
The sense of support we all need.
Those parts of me, they just didn't know they needed it, or even what it was.

The pressure feels less but stays.
Now it is the pressure of being supported in loving light.
Now it is the pressure of nutrients and hydration flowing in.
It is a good pressure, it is a helpful pressure.
It is the feeling of God being let into spaces that have not felt the light and love for decades.
This discomfort, this definitely feels good. Like the hurts-good of my fix-it massages.
It makes sure that everything gets what it needs.
It is omnipresent, all the damaged spaces receiving simultaneously, my only ability to discern is where I focus my attention.
I count 11 in my brain, head, and neck.
I count 23 in the rest of my body.
And I'm writing from this mindful space so I may have missed some.
All of them found with the same level of light and love flowing much needed supportive pressure.

Pause.
Feel.
Just sitting with the sensations.
Let the mind relax, and check in on spots in a rotation you don't have to think too much about.
Just know the light and love is working, and the level of damage is what determines how long it might take.
Do this as long as possible, every day.
If you have to stop because of life, just know you have to revisit until complete. With my years of practice, I'm able to do this as long as no one is talking directly to me, it has been a huge help.

You know it is complete when the pressure releases and you genuinely feel better in that spot. It feels good again. It feels easy again. It feels normal again.

If you get distracted, repeat.
I am here.
I am a miracle.
My body is a miracle.
My brain is a miracle.
I made it through all of that and I'm still alive.
I deserve the miracle that is ME.
I deserve all that is wonderful and good.
I deserve to have myself and all that means.
I deserve all the love and light needed to heal fully and completely.

Sit and relax and repeat any of this as much as needed. Do what your body asks of you. If you need to pee, go pee. If you need a drink, drink something, preferably pure water. If your body wants to change position do it to the fullest of your ability. Just keep breathing through all of it and stay focused on the message here.

May you find the healing you seek. May the flow do exactly what you hope for. May we all find the release of healing and find our whole inner self. May we all feel just fine again. May you feel good and know the light of life is flowing in all of you. Above all, may you know that the divine loves and supports you in all that you do.

As above so below. An it harm none, do what ye will. So mote it be.

May God’s will be complete, on Earth as it is in Heaven.

Bhumi mangalam,
Udaka mangalam,
Agni mangalam,
Vayu mangalam,
Gagana mangalam,
Surya mangalam,
Chandra mangalam,
Jagata Mangalam,
Jeeva mangalam,
Deva mangala,
Mano mangalam,
Aatma mangalam,
Sarva mangalam
Om Shanti
(Translation: May there be tranquility on earth, in water, in fire, in the wind, in the sky, on the sun, on the moon, on our planet, in all living beings, in the body, in the mind, and in the spirit. May that tranquility be everywhere and in everyone. Aum peace)

Om Shanti

Manufactured Fear

So the short of it is the news is scaring us again when info has to be being fabricated, at least in part. It may be just an exaggeration, but not acurate info in our news should incite everyone’s awareness reactions.

I had a rough massage Sunday morning. I think I pissed my therapist off, but have yet to fully understand, already having offered up apologies. Leaving the massage I was having the major physical response to a full body trauma release: shaking, crying, the whole 9 yards. When the involuntary shaking and crying subsided, my body started hurting as if I had consumed corn or potatoes. Everything from the top of my head to the tips of my toes, was majorly inflamed and screaming in pain. I went home and took an epsom salt bath and hydrated including a large can of coconut water. I took all my herbal remedies for inflammation. Nothing touched it so I went to bed really early to at least eliminate the depression it was causing.

This morning I woke still in massive pain. I didn’t want to go to work but knew I needed to, still no alternate solutions available. So, I took my herbal anti-inflammatories and some Advil, nothing else. Another day of fasting.

Once I was at work, the one client called us and cancelled, and the admin work was acknowledged as being able to be managed by the one front desk person. I was released to go home. Another 4 hours of sleep and the worst of the pain was finally subsiding. Down to just a massive headache and a few painful hotspots throughout my body, the office manager and acupuncturist both suggested a c-v.d test. I said sure, and acknowledged that even though I had absolutely no other symptoms, they could be right.

I started attempting to solve that. Walgreens would not accept me in the drive thru saying I needed to schedule online. I went online from their parking lot and 30 frustrating minutes later gave up. I went to Hy-Vee online to attempt to get in at one of their locations. No Hy-Vees within a 100mile radius had testing available. I went to CVS online. No rapid tests available in a 50 mile radius, and no 2day tests available at any one of 25 locations nearest me for at least a week out.

I was heading to an urgent care center for an obviously not urgent matter, when the acupuncturist called me to have me come get her last at-home e-test. Unopened and new.

I got home, sat down, downloaded the app, watched the video, and started the test. Immediately after it connected via Bluetooth it gave me a recall notice but refused to produce the “order a replacement” page, despite many attempts to do so. I even thought of starting completely over from scratch and the exact same thing happened, recall notice with inability to obtain replacement. I didn’t screenshot every single attempt, that would have been a lot of pics. I only did a few after frustrations peaked.

I’m just saying. There are some awefully big numbers being cited by news organizations when the only actual testing is happening at hospitals and health department locations. We know they have tests because that is where Nathan has received all 5 of his. But hospitals reserve them for pre-proceedure or the horribly sick people that enter the ER. It’s not the tens of thousands of people (locally) or hundreds of thousands (nationally) they are talking about.

How are the numbers so large when tests are unavailable and previously purchased tests are suddenly recalled? Who’s actually accomplishing testing?

They’ve admitted the latest variation isn’t as severe, so, are that many people really wasting all day in urgent care centers for a simple test? If they were, there would be news stories about all of the urgent-cares being overwhelmed, and I’ve driven past enough of them this week to simply know that isn’t true. There are 3 on my route to work, and several others in proximity to my daughter’s work and our regular shopping areas. None of them have full parking lots. So I’m having difficulty with my awareness, painfully not matching, the numbers that supposedly just keep climbing and climbing daily.

Just sayin’. Something smells fishy here, and it’s not anything cooking in the oven.

I may or may not, have had a c.v.d experience the last two days. To me it seemed more like a physical response to my massage, which is not unheard of. It was more extreme than I warn my clients of, but then again I am hyper sensitive these days. Regardless, I will never know for certain, and the office staff will not have the comfort of a negative because it’s simply not available.

One last thing that is still getting my goat. If this is so damn scary, and the injectable is failing at controlling it, then why on Earth aren’t we testing a couple dozen options for treatment and full recovery? So far there’s the two existing meds that people are fighting over, and one new proposed drug in testing. That’s it?!?! In my universe I’d try 12 and go with the one that works the best, or maybe get a surprising combo out of the works. It’s been a good practice in multiple arenas in my life, saved my ass more than a few times. But hey, what do I know, I’m just a stupid massage therapist trying to survive something much bigger than any singular individual can truly solve.

May you never have reactions like my body produces. May you stay healthy and be less sensitive. May we all find a true solution and our own survival. May you see the things that simply just don’t add up and use that knowledge to disarm your fears. May you know that sometimes corporations really enjoy feeding off of our fears. May you know there is always a alternative way around, through, or over, and patience is what is needed most. May you know you are always free and that fabricated fears have no home in your life. Above all: May you know that the divine loves and supports you in all that you do.

Om Shanti

I hit post and then Nathan found this in a local FB group.