Category Archives: When I’m not so crazy

Wading through energetic tar.

This weekend with handling my father’s belongings, followed by spending half of Monday taking him to doctor and errands, I feel like I am walking through energetic tar.

I feel heavy, exhausted, and thoughts that I know are not mine keep running through my head. When it’s not his thoughts, I remember obscure moments of trauma from my childhood. I am struggling to escape the darkness, knowing that much of it is my father, but carries a sense of karmic inevitability. I have not escaped repeating some of his worst traits despite spending 2 decades attempting to right the damage. I wonder if I will ever fix it and stop the karmic wheel. I want so badly to get every nano-shred of him out of me, even re-write my DNA to turn his genes off. They are not serving me at all.

Since all of his mess is causing things to resurface for me, I decided to write. Writing has always helped me to clear things from my mind, but this time I think I need more.

NLP or Neuro-Linguistic Programming is a technique I have used off and on over the years. I was introduced to it by a friend studying psychology not long after graduating from highschool. It is a psychological technique for transforming a traumatic memory into more of a disassociated story that you can step away from and send love to.

Essentially when a memory surfaces that carries intense emotion, you move your viewpoint mentally and see it from a distance as if flying overhead or watching a distant movie. It enables you to tell it as a story, but one that belongs to someone else. Once complete, you can give the story version of yourself all of the things that you needed or wanted in that moment. So for example I can say to the scared little girl: “I know that moment was really hard to be in, but I love you and you made it through. You know those people were having a really hard time themselves, or they wouldn’t have acted like that.” Then visualize giving my younger self a hug.

I have used this technique many times, but it seems I need to do so again. So this post is likely to be very long. Several memories have surfaced this week. I am really ready for my father to leave with my sister. Only a few more days to go.


K-Mart gone wrong:

A beautiful little blonde haired girl of about 3 or 4 years old is in the cart. Mommy told her she could have the toy, it was on blue light special. She looked so happy.

They make it to the register and start checking out. Her daddy comes and starts yelling at her mommy. He’s so angry that she spent so much.

The little girl looks at her toy and seems like she is about to cry. She looks scared. Her daddy is so angry he starts shaking his fist. The register lady gets scared and steps back, she asks the girl’s mommy if she needs to call someone. The mommy is in tears but says: no, it’s okay, it’ll be fine. The daddy storms out of the store, and the mommy pays and follows quickly, pushing the cart of groceries with the little girl in the seat still holding her toy.

Her daddy was quiet all the way home, but yelled at her mommy more after dinner. She tells her mommy she could give the toy back, she didn’t need it. Her mommy says no, it’s not because of the toy, she just needs to be more careful.

The response:

Little girl, please know it’s not your fault. One little clearance toy is just a tiny drop in the bucket. It was the size of the bucket that got your daddy so upset. He did not handle it well. He had not been taught what to do when costs were more than he could manage. He was mad at himself for not being able to handle what was needed, and at your mommy for not planning better or telling him what was happening. Please know you are loved and neither of your parents meant for that to happen. You made it through okay and things will get easier someday. I love you and you will learn how to do better.


Unable to protect:

Two kids stand doing dishes after dinner. The big brother washes at the sink, and the little girl stands on a stool nearby to dry them.

Their dad had scolded them for a dirty bowl at dinner, so they are both trying to make sure that the dishes are really clean. Brother asked sister to watch and try to catch anything he missed. She’s doing that. If she’s sees some little bit, she’s trying to use the towel to get it. If it’s more than the towel can get, she gives it back to him.

One damn frying pan just won’t come clean. He scrubs and scrubs. He thinks he finally got it and hands it to her. She starts to dry it and sees a little spot. She’s trying like mad to get the spot to come off when dad comes in the kitchen. He asks why she’s scrubbing so hard with the drying towel. She tries to say she just wants to make sure it’s really dry.

Dad yanks it from her hand and tells her to move. He looks at the pan and starts yelling. She cowers in fear, her feet won’t move but she wants to run. He’s yelling at her brother, louder and louder, saying he can’t do anything right. He makes her brother scrub it again, but only gives a few seconds before yanking it back. It’s still got the spot. He yells even louder, her brother freezes.

Dad thinks he’s being ignored and *WHAM*.

Dad hits her brother with the frying pan full force, up against his head. He throws the pan on the stove. It is bent so much it doesn’t sit flat anymore. The pan is ruined. Dad starts yelling again. “Your skull is so thick it ruins pans, no wonder you can’t do anything right!” He screams. “You’re not good for anything, get out of here. I’ll do them myself!”

He turns and looks at the girl. “You too. Get out of here, now!”

They both hurry to their rooms. Both in tears. They sit on their beds either side of the same wall. Crying into pillows.

The response:

You did your best. You tried to keep your brother safe, that’s what counts. You were just kids, no one is perfect, even adults. He should not have been so upset over a dirty dish. He definitely should not have hit anyone, let alone with a frying pan. Your big brother is smart and you were both doing your best. It was not right for him to act like that and it was horrible for him to treat you both that way. You deserve to be treated better. You deserve to be shown love not hatred. God loves you. Your mom loves you, she couldn’t stop it either. She tried to protect you both and failed. She’s very sorry you were hurt. Times will get better. You will understand one day, and you will always remember that and do your best to do better. You are a beautiful girl and you will figure out better. I love you.


Not strong enough:

A family building a deck. They just moved into a new neighborhood. All was going okay. They took a lunch break, mom served them drinks. It was hot, but tolerable. Kids were trying to help.

The boy about 14 or 15, the girl 12. The mom was pregnant, so she did light work.

Dad needed to cut boards. Several went ok. One had a big knot. Dad told the girl she wasn’t strong enough. Her brother had to try and hold the board still enough to cut. Between measures and prep, he kept yanking the board free. Then he would yell that it needed to be held good. Insults to intelligence and demands to listen yelled in between “Hold it still!” He yelled over and over. Finally, the brother thinks he has appeased his father. He had a strong hold of the board in a position that his dad wants. The saw whirrs up and cutting begins. The blade catches the knot and the board wobbles.

Dad paused in place to yell some more. Demanding the son hold it harder from a specific spot. The son does exactly as he requested. The saw starts moving and catches the knot again, the board kicked hard and the saw cut wrong.

The dad throws the saw down, yanks the board and before anyone could respond the board flies at the son’s shoulder. It hits the boy’s shoulder and bounces hard into his head. Dad throws the board onto the ground and yells and yells and yells. Neither child can do right, neither is any good at anything.

Mom comes out and demands he stop yelling. Her son needs an ice pack for the damage done. Mom takes both children to the kitchen. She puts ice on the now very large goose-egg on the brother’s head. She apologizes to them over and over again saying she has tried so hard to get their father to stop being so mean. She doesn’t know what else to do and is so sorry they keep getting hurt.

The response:

You were so young, no one expects a small child to be able to do something like that. There is no way either of you could have made him happy, he wanted something intended for an adult to accomplish. You did your best, you could not have changed the situation. You could not have fixed anything. It was so hard for you to watch, and I’m so sorry that you had to watch that happen. Your brother knows you couldn’t fix it or change anything. He loves you. Your mom loves you. She really did mean what she said. There wasn’t anything anyone could do. Your dad is just too broken. He never learned how to act, how to manage anger and frustration. He never learned that you can’t treat children like that. He taught you very bad habits, but you are going to be the better person. You are going to figure it out. You are going to learn how to change, and in the process you are going to get so strong that a stupid board will never win again. I love you, you are beautiful and strong and will change your world one step at a time.


There is more, but my heart is raw right now. I think I need a breather. I may finish with a second post later, or just handwrite in a journal. I really needed this. I have been through so many things that I deserve all the accolades for as far as I have gotten on my own. I do love me for trying, for doing better, for becoming a stronger better person. I will get there. I will solve this and stop the karmic wheel. I will teach my children how to fix all of it for them too.

May you have moments full of growth. May you release negative experiences and find a way to clear the way for self love and acceptance. May you understand traumas in helpful ways. May you find peace in the midst of chaos. May you know you are being guided to healing. May you see your way clear of energetic muck. May your karmic wheel become easy to manage. May you find healing for yourself and your family. May you know God loves and supports you and always did. May you know trauma is almost always because the person acting out is hurting and disconnected from God. May you find forgiveness for the hurts you incurred in your life.

Siva Hir Su

My Kind to Drop Ego.

My transformation process got a boost this evening with some videos. I’ll share them here. Music first then some Aaron input.

And yes, I do bounce around to a wide array of teachers, input, and styles. There are many great teachers in this world, some old, some new, some sing, some create in 2D or 3D, all have their value and all can help guide your life towards better. Take it all with a grain of salt and use what works to better yourself. These are just things that have helped me feel better and to a degree understand what I’m already mucking through.

May you have things that help you and help make sense of your transformation. May you see God’s guidance in all its unique aspects.

Siva Hir Su

Everyone’s concerns matter.

So I had a topic come up through Nathan and that is the purpose of this post. However, really quick I first wanted to share a couple small happy dance moments of the last couple days. 1) I took my much needed Epsom salt soak and my tummy now falls completely below water level. It’s a sign I’m finally slimming down even though the scale barely shows anything. 2) I had a massive energetic barrage between my father and clients that threatened to drag me down. I not only was able to clear with Nathan’s help, but then I found my way to climbing the emotional scale and I even had some very intense in-the-vortex honoring-myself moments. The two put together have left me feeling very good today. I hope everyone has those breakthrough moments.

On to the intended topic…

Nathan brought to my attention a Facebook post from a friend. She is essentially upset over anyone that isn’t worried about all the disappearing children and human trafficking. She went OFF over anti-maskers, black lives matter protests, and pretty much any other moment of news that wasn’t her topic. It made me think, and I’m not sure she would like my response, so I decided to write it here.

First, yes children are going missing, and in much larger numbers than previously. Some theorize that it is a nasty conspiracy to depopulate the earth or to hand over humans to aliens. Some simply believe it is because of racism and refugee populations. Some believe it is our government or the 1%’ers trying to experiment on people without getting caught. The biggest problem here is that 1) large quantities of kids have vanished without a trace, and 2) a few kids have escaped from warehouse sized facilities full of kids, and the children are not being handled like border crossing facilities. The escapee descriptions and locations are what have told us that.

It is a problem, and one that many are not aware of. However, that is no reason to get mad at everyone else in your experience.

Getting mad at others over your concern not being dealt with is only contributing to the divisive fighting that is holding the world back. Especially when considering that many people don’t know this information about kids because it is being ignored (some say covered up) by the media. Covid has taken center stage and BLM is a close second.

So, first one should acknowledge that your concerns may not have even crossed another person’s awareness. Secondly, one should note that there are many concerns affecting humanity at this time. Thirdly, one should acknowledge that bringing people together on the same page is the only way to create lasting helpful solution oriented change. Fourthly, one needs to acknowledge it is difficult at best to solve multiple problems large scale at one time. Fifthly, one needs to be aware that we will never truly solve all of the problems: that would cause the universe to cease energetically, but also it is impossible because for every rule, law, or solution to be implemented there will inevitably be someone (or several) that find a way around and continue the problem in new ways. Sixthly, if you only focus on things to be upset over and problems, then you will continue to get things to be upset over. For humanity to solve problems, we must all focus on solutions that have already manifested.

So my response would have been calm the fuck down and figure out a way to orient to solutions as a whole. Covid and black lives matter have been concerns for a while now, and for good reasons. The missing kids are important and need to be returned to their parents, but we are up against a huge battle already before introducing this additional concern. The only way to solve any of these problems is to come together as a whole-humanity and work together towards solutions. We have not been able to do that on anything for a very long time and it is the reason everything keeps dragging on so horribly.

Here’s the deal, the world is full of bad shit including disease, and modern media has selectively shown you the worst of the worst to trigger fear and aggression among people. It is a vicious cycle many people keep buying into.

If you want to choose pandemic, the media shows you Covid and scares the shit out of you, but you’re a 100 times more likely to die of heart disease or cancer than covid. That’s a pandemic that is really scary, especially since both are usually linked more to diet and lifestyle/life-choices than genes.

If you want to choose racism, the media will give you everything related to black lives matter (which they do matter), but largely ignores the continued improper treatment of Mexicans at border control stations, and completely ignores the plight of the Hondurans and other south American refugees. Also, here in the great USA we completely ignore racial or religious problems across the globe (Jews/Hindus vs Islams, Indians vs Pakistanis, etc.) We also still feel the need to discriminate against Chinese and Japanese, especially since Covid gives us a reason to hate China.

If you do indeed choose missing kids as your concern, the media will give you the latest youth to be murdered or show you flyers for Amber alerts, and you’ll always get texts on any local Amber alerts. But, to find out about the hoards of Missing kids you have to go looking for it.

There are many problems we as humanity face: global warming, barrier reef dieing, species reaching extinction, air pollution, corporate greed, manipulation of politicians, lack of access to healthcare, lack of access to education in many parts of the world, lack of access to clean water. There are many more I could list.

To solve any of them, we need to come together and focus. One problem at a time to create change and hopefully find lasting solutions. It is the only way anything will really be solved. Here’s the kicker, if we really did do that in a focused way as a whole mass, solutions would come so quickly that we could solve a large list in no time, even one topic at a time. But the coming together in a very focused way is our biggest hurdle.

Beyond that we really simply must reach for better. If humanity continues fighting with each other and only seeing the negatives, then that will be what we continue to get- negatives and fighting. We will never solve every problem for all time. So, we need to learn to just acknowledge the problems and honor differences with each other, and then reach for the times where even people with differences came together and created positive change. The movements that were led by Martin Luther King, and Ghandi are two such great examples. Those are times in history when people came together in very focused ways and created wonderful miraculous change for the better. We need more of those moments, and reaching for them and focusing on how change was created will help enable more of that.

We must find a way to do this for ourselves and our humanity. It is the only way to keep progressing and shift consciousness in big positive ways. Next time you get upset over something, please remember my observations. Then ask yourself: can you help bring awareness to the problem and help humanity focus on solutions for it or anything else?

May we all find a way to focus on solutions. May we all find a way to accept each other’s differences and focus on common goals. May we all reach for better: days, thoughts, solutions, vibrational alignment, and overall experience. May we all see God’s guidance. May we all reach for solutions to the many significant problems we face as humanity. May we all learn to love and accept each other knowing there will always be negatives, but most of humanity wants the better. May we all see the common ground of desiring safety, security, love, family, community, support, and access to health, education, and clean water. May you see that God really wants us all to live better lives and have many things to look forward to. May you see God wants us all to live happy lives doing what we love and know we are safe. May you understand that God never splits humanity, we are all one people and God loves all of us regardless of race, religion, gender, sexuality, or country of origin.

Siva Hir Su