Category Archives: When I’m not so crazy

Being selfish.

I have conceded again, that anything I have desired involving other people is pointless, because invariably they have their own hot mess that I can’t solve.

I can’t make anyone do anything, and now I know that I can pull up when their actions sting, even when there are layers and layers of sting.

I can only help myself be a better person, no matter what.

I can only help myself feel better, no matter what.

I know I can do anything that I choose to do.

I know I am very capable of a wide array of skilled activities.

I know I am skilled enough to learn anything I don’t already know. I am skilled enough to do many great things.

I have been responsible for many people and over many years. I have done everything I was supposed to do, be it based on parental or societal dictations. I’ve even learned how to best care for myself.

I am capable. I am intelligent. I am strong. I am good at everything I choose to do.

I have even learned to controll my emotions. It takes me less time, every time I do it. I know how to find happy, and it’s getting quicker and quicker.

I am enough.

I like feeling good. I appreciate this healing. My whole family deserves the same healing.

I have been fully responsible.

Now what?

I don’t know.

I see the fallacy of my childhood dreams, my idea of perfection is nearly impossible because it would require attempting to control others. The magic lies in letting the divine orchestrate the details.

My problem now lies in that; letting go of my dreams completely carries an emptiness of my own role, I don’t need to orchestrate my Atira, in just such a way. I have accomplished an ability to find peace and happiness no matter what. I have accomplished an ability to see all of the unconditional elements I desired, in my current place of now. Knowing I can work myself towards feeling better, feeling good, and seeing all of the basic desires manifested, leaves me feeling goal-less.

There is nothing I yearn for. There is nothing I desire. There is nothing that I feel is missing or needing accomplished. I can’t even label anything that I really want anymore.

There are some silly things like places to travel to, or things to do, but there is nothing I really desperately want. Pretty much everything has lost its draw.

I am okay with whatever. The Divine can decide for me, no matter what that means. I finally feel like I’ve detached from everything. Nothing is necessary, nothing is vital, and nothing even stands out as a major interest. I am open to anything or nothing, whichever God and Goddess dictate. Death does not scare me, and I’m already living in a crazy stupid world, full of chaos and negativity, so I obviously can handle that. Perhaps there is some other option, if so I’m open to it. Whatever the divine chooses for me.

May you find your peace. May you find full healing. May you see your loved ones healed as well. May you know that everything you need already is here. May you see everything you want and desire in your current reality. May you sense the empty expansion of letting the divine take over and decide for you. May you feel your infinite self and know that God loves and supports you in all that you do. May you trust the divine and allow it to decide for you, even if that might mean death is imminent. May you know that God knows more than you possibly can and will choose the best way for you.

Be still
And know that
I
am
God

First do no harm
So mote it be

Om Shanti

Cold weather gratitude.

I wanted to take a moment to express gratitude.

The cold weather this week brought some snow and ice and made roads very crappy. I’m at work 20 min early because I left early assuming I might still have to deal with slick roads and drivers that don’t know how to handle it. Fortunately today the roads were minimally impacted.

Yet the last 3 days has made me aware of how much skill I have in driving that many here in KC don’t.

I grew up in Iowa and learned to drive on snowy roads early. Then my best college job was driving busses for the university while I was a student there. I learned very well how to handle any vehicle on slick roads.

I still remember driving a bus with bald tires up pentecrest hill, having my two passengers stand over the rear duels knowing that their weight was really fairly insignificant. I snaked my way up the hill at 5 mph until I finally crested the top and radioed base for a bus with better tires.

I also remember driving a bus when an ice storm hit mid shift. My next to last round of the route I lost traction heading downhill towards a major intersection. I steered the bus into the curb and let the curb stop the bus to avoid accident.

Now as an adult driving in KC weather is only nerve wracking because of other drivers. Monday night I left work and it took almost an hour to do my normally 20 min commute. I crept past cars in yards and on medians. Driving mostly in second gear, because even in an automatic transmission, I know how to down-shift. One hill about 2 miles from home was so slick that people were spinning wheels and going nowhere. Again I downshifted and stuck to the curb to make it up the hill.

Yesterday morning was a repeat, and when the hill had everyone stuck and traffic blocked, I wedged past and crept through the side streets to clear the clog.

I am so grateful that I have so much driving experience that I can navigate my way through messes like that unscathed. Especially since my whole family loves our new-to-us van so much.

The only thing it caused was an excess of nervous anxiety from having made the treacherous treck multiple times. As a result I opted for yoga to calm and center.

Monday night at home, and Tuesday in office, I did the routine linked below. I think it’s my favorite of all the ones I’ve done. It’s faster paced for good burn, and there’s still a few challenging moments where I’m like “You want me to do what?!” Or “Yea, that’s totally not happening (handstands)!” Even with those moments, it helps me to ground and center and feel better.

Anyway, I hope you enjoy the yoga video as much as I do.

May you have driving confidence and know your skills. May you know how to ground anxiety and jitters from stressful moments. May you always be safe. May you know that God loves and supports you in all that you do.

Om Shanti

Ponderings

So this week has been cold as eff for Kansas City, and it’s only supposed to get worse in a few days. It means I’m in for a frigid birthday. Merh, nothing new, I’m used to it, in all my life I’ve only had 2 mild weather brithdays. I don’t mind the snow, it’s the bone chilling cold and frigid wind that gets to me.

Though as a kid I remember enjoying a few classic winter style. Snow forts and snowball fights. Sledding down manmade hills of snow and playing king of the hill once everyone got tired of climbing up and down. Hot cocoa and toddler sized personal-pan birthday cake. To be fair, all that combined, I probably ran off all the calories and some, playing in the cold winter weather. But most birthdays fell on school days, or now as an adult workdays, and they were just nothing special, especially since I never got to take them off.

My birthday is so close to Valentine’s day that I used to get jealous of all the girls that got flowers and chocolates delivered to them. Being just after Christmas, resources were always already thin, and celebrations were always small.

Now I am in a better place and I know focusing on those elements is not helpful. So, I’m going to ponder what that translates into for me.

I had thought about getting myself a She-Ra action figure from when I was a kid. It would be nostalgic, and potentially a good investment, but only if I leave it in the box. Though I can afford a figure like that right now, I’m still not convinced it’s worth it. It’s not exactly a cheap toy to buy an original in the box, but the nostalgic value would be in playing with it. It would loose it’s sentiment pretty quick if I just tucked it on a shelf away from my kids’ grasp. Yet, I don’t afford myself time to do childish things anymore, I’m too busy being responsible and acting like a boring adult. So the cost/value scale might not balance fully.

So I’ve not bought an action figure for myself, even though I kinda want to. No, instead I took the day off and booked myself a 2 hour massage session. I picked a guy near me that proclaims he does similar work, we’ll see if it’s adequate to get through 7 weeks of only having received self-care and husband-care. I’m crossing my fingers it is, especially since I told him up front what I was looking for and needing.

Beyond that, my husband is working on some sort of surprise he says. I hope so, I could really use a nice surprise. He did that a couple times before. My 21st birthday was my first actual birthday party ever and he invited all our friends at the time. Then my 35th birthday- I was reaching third trimester of pregnancy (with Katherine) and he took me to dinner with a half dozen friends and their significant others. Both were spectacular in my book, I was speechless the second time he pulled it off.

I would love for a good surprise, a happy surprise. I would love for the weather to perk up up some. I would love to enjoy a good meal, a warm treat, and some good company in addition to my family. I would love to feel like life was normal and pleasant again. I would love the universe to surprise and delight me as well. Flowers would be nice, I always like flowers. I think all flowers are beautiful, but I love ones that are growing still, or that last a long time after being cut and smell good.

I like feeling loved and wanted. I love feeling like I matter to others.

I love feeling like I look good. I love feeling beautiful. Nathan and I just did a closet purge to enable us to get new-to-us clothes that fit better and look nice. It was really nice to be able to do that, and I love some of the new items. It would be nice to be able to wear one of them and feel good for a bit.

Yet, above and beyond all of this, I know that God loves me. I feel my connection and I love how it feels. I like that feeling more than anything else, and know it doesn’t take much for me to get there anymore. I like feeling good, and between my booked massage and my ability+desire to meditate, I know I will feel good on my birthday. Anything and everything else will just be a bonus.

I am worthy and deserving of a good birthday with a wonderful surprise. I deserve to feel good and feel loved and beautiful. I know I will have a good birthday next week no matter what.

May you see what you desire. May you have wonderful birthdays. May you find ways to accommodate even decades old desires. May you have fun and find your childish side occasionally. May you know you are special and deserving of everything you want. May you always feel good. May you know that God loves and supports you in everything you do and all that you are.

Om Shanti