Category Archives: When I’m not so crazy

Good dog.

I arrived home early today. A slow day at work meant heading home just after lunchtime. My goal was to finish my taxes. I nearly did, with only 2 things left to complete tomorrow.

While I was working on finishing that, I opened the window for the beautiful weather to filter through. Upper sixties and sunny left my pets wanting sunshine as much as I did.

Buddy sat in the window and Zen alternated between trying to look out around him and trying to hug me. Eventually I gave in and helped Zen up into my lap. It was cute, so I wanted to share pictures.

May you find completing your taxes to be easy even when self-employed or a contractor. May you have ample time to spend enjoying glorious weather this year. May you get to snuggle with your pets regardless of their size. And may you have plenty to be grateful for. Above all, may you know that God loves and supports you in all that you do and that any desired healing is full and speedy.

Om Shanti

Burried Hatchets

FYI, anyone that actually reads this- kudos to you!!!

About 2.5 months ago I was solicited to purchase my domain with the China extension. I refused because I have yet to make anything off of this blog, and have such low readership that what I already pay for domain and hosting is hardly worth it. I couldn’t justify the cost of adding another extension. Even though they tried to convince me, I still refused because even though I am an American, I’m far from rich. The cost benefit scale was rediculously out of balance for me as an individual.

Anyway, since then, even if you Google or otherwise search my name or the blog itself it now falls fairly low on search results. Under my name, it falls even lower than images from a flicker account that is older than our teenager. Not only have I lost many of my regular readers, but I’m not even getting the sparatic views from all over the world. My blog has literally gone silent as far as any stats are concerned, which means I’m not even clearing any algorithms. So of my posts, approximately the last 40 have been largely unread by anyone, that takes you back to the New Year.

I point this out because it feels vendictive to me. I already fell so low on algorithms that there would have been literally thousands, if not millions, of blogs with much higher value, and thus much more likely to buy additional extensions. I myself have read many blogs with 10 times my readership and followers. So it boggled my mind as to why anyone would bother with mine. I have done nothing to anyone, and do my best to hide names and personal information about anyone I write about. The only identities I even slightly compromise are my own family, and even when I’m frustrated or upset I do my best to vent from a ‘harm none’ standpoint. So, with the low value scale for someone fishing to make money, and my low readership, and my efforts to be authentic yet still protect others, I’m simply dumbfounded. Perhaps it is someone with nothing better to do in their lives except crazy making for random strangers, and some stupid keyword was how I became their target. I don’t know.

I’m not in IT, do not have the skills to fix it, and really don’t have the resources to pay someone else to do so. Nathan has said he is going to try, and I’m going to reach out to WordPress to see if they are able to fix it.

Until then I suspect I will continue to write to no-one. It’s okay, it’s like when my blog was brand new 6 years ago, I just keep reminding myself that this blog is for me to write about what I want or need to. It is my space to express myself as best as I can. It is my safe space, and if I have no readers, then it is even safer.

If you did somehow actually manage to come across this post and read my blog, it would be nice to know I’m still showing up somewhere. I don’t need the validation, but sometimes it does give a little feel good boost, and I’m appreciative of all feel good boosts- regardless of the source.


Anyway, I really wanted to share my birthday fun with Nathan. The super crappy weather of my birthday week had caused it to be rescheduled, so we ended up going this afternoon.

We went to a place called “Bury the Hatchet” in Overland Park, Kansas. It was good fun, throwing hatchets at giant wooden targets. After a bit of basic instructions, and some practice, we played a round of “Black Jack” (goal to make 21 points) and two rounds of what they called “Area 51” (goal to count backwards from 51 to zero). It was a relatively inexpensive but really fun date outing. I had a blast and Nathan did too.

We knew that using hatchets can be physically taxing from our days cutting wood for heating our home. Yet, even when throwing them for fun it was really quite a bit of a workout. A great new way to exercise. I told Nathan it kinda makes me want to build a target in our backyard- we already have one hatchet and plenty of scrap lumber, I’d only need to buy a second hatchet and they’re about $20. Sounds like a good time to me. We’d just have to make certain that kids couldn’t find or reach hatchets when not in use. Hmmm….. 🤪😆

Here’s the pictures:


May you bury the hatchet in all ways, especially forgiving others when they’ve hurt you or messed with your blog. May you find fun outings to distract you from frustrations and boost your spirits. May you enjoy physical activity of all kinds. May you have plenty of physical activity. May you find that you enjoy life mostly, even and especially when you are writing for yourself. May you have fun adventures with loved ones. And above all, may you know that God loves and supports you no matter what.

Om Shanti

Frigid Triggers

So I mentioned that I had been climbing out of trigger holes this week. I’m going to talk about that a little more.

One moment just after my birthday, I had a bit of jealousy sneak up on me. I quickly acknowledged that was going on and talked myself out of it. I acknowledged that jealousy is based on the belief that someone has something that you want and don’t have, but also some level of feeling neglected. I pointed out to myself that neither case was actually true. If the shoe was on the other foot, as in viewing myself from an outside perspective, I had that which was causing the jealousy, and I am far from being neglected. It simply wasn’t actually true, so that was an easy trigger to solve.

My other major trigger this week, and one that was reoccurring every single day, was simply the bitter cold and how it was affecting my life. One element of that was the whole ‘it’s the week of my birthday and the weather straight up sucked’. The other element was that it began directly affecting my daily work experience.

See, the clinic has two halves on two different heating systems. My office is in the half that has what is commonly referred to as a mini-split. Simply put, it has a unit outside, and then wall mounted units to accomodate both heating and air conditioning without the need for ductwork or other hazards of central heat/AC. They are only slightly less costly than a centralized system, but they are supposed to be more energy efficient. The biggest problem that I have noticed with the older unit governing my office, is that it no longer handles temperature extremems. It has gone down 3 times in the last two years, all during extreme temperatures- once due to heat in excess of 100°F, and twice due to temps below 15°F. This week was the second round of below 15°. The units work decent when they are only attempting to bridge a gap of 30 or 40 degrees, but once the range exceeds that, problems arise. This time it was the exterior lines froze preventing any function.

That treanslated into trying to function solely on space heaters. Generally not a huge concern, except that the 3 office rooms were wired on one 20 AMP circut. Which means that we could only power 2 space heaters on full, or if I needed table heat on, I had to turn space heaters to low. It was frustrating to say the least. So, it meant coming into a frigid space and doing my best to warm it by the time people needed to be disrobing for their massage. We blew the breaker well over a dozen times this week, just trying to get 2 of the 3 rooms to a decent temperature. Finally, the acupuncturists decided to temporarily relocate, so I was the only one attempting to get a room to normal temperatures. I still managed to blow the breaker 3 more times trying to warm the room up as quickly as possible.

It was frustrating, and at times infuriating. I kept climbing up from negativitiy, and something would set me off again. At one point the one acupuncturist asked me how I was doing, and I lost it on her, spending several minutes ranting about the whole situation.

I’m mostly (referencing generalities) still in my detached space, and because of that I keep repeating “Not my monkeys, not my circus”, but it is directly affecting me and that is why it keeps triggering a negative loop. I can’t stand weather this cold, and especially when I get bone chillingly cold myself.

In my perfect world I would be that person that takes an extended vacation when the weather turns crappy like this. I would love to have a birthday in Cancun or Hawaii, but alas it is not currently possible.

It also doesn’t help that no one seemes to care about the problem in a long-term solution sort of way. The chiropractors knew I was upset and began turning on space heaters before I arrived, but there was no motion towards a real fix. I pointed out to the acupuncturist that this was the third time I was having to deal with this situation and I have yet to make my 2 year anniversary. I explained that even though heaters don’t go down all the time, that it is a possibility with any system, and whoever wired 3 offices on one 20 AMP breaker was dense. There should always be enough power for worst case scenario. Yet, there is barely enough amperage for normal function in 3 rooms.

For instance, I am a massage therapist, and I have 4 seperate devices that draw a good amount of power. My room alone could blow the breaker if I turned everything on. I know becasue I did when one of my space heaters was taken by the acupuncturist. At that point the whole building was struggling to maintain, and the office manager and chiropractor had taken space heaters for themselves, and so one of my 2 tiny ones went to the acupuncturist. My solution was to turn on my hot stone roaster, my hot towel cabbie, and the table heater. The other space heater was already running, and the lights were on. 30 seconds later the breaker tripped. So just my basic devices which I have utilized for years, tripped the breaker becasue they were all on at the same time.

There is no way that those three offices can handle all of the devices that could potentially run at the same time. I can not run my menagerie, and then have the acupuncturist try to use diathermy, or even a laptop being used on top of my regular stuff would be too much. It simply is no good for a lot of reasons.

Ultimately, not only does the mini-split need some serious TLC to try and get it more functional, but if I had a say, I would call an electrician and figure out the cheapest solution to get those three rooms better power in a permanent way.

There also should be stored space heaters and fans for situations like this. As it is, I brought in 2 of my personal space heaters and the one accupincturist had one of her personal units. That means if we hadn’t been on the ball, the whole office would have failed due to a lack of heat providing devices. It would not be any significant financial strain to buy a fan and space heater for each room, and all of the rooms could come up with the shred of space to store them when not in use.

Alas, it is not my circus. I have no financial investment in the building or business. I am simply a contractor trying to keep clients happy, so no one gives a flying eff about my opinions. So, on top of hating the cold, being upset over a frigid birthday, and then spending an entire work week battling the cold inside of my office, the lack of my opinion mattering was just the icing on the cake.

It took every ounce of my mental fortitude to keep pulling up and finding my happy this week, and today I was so exhausted from it that I really just wanted to stay in bed and not even go to work.

Yet I did.

I showed up 40 min early, and the chiropractor had already turned on the space heaters, so it wasn’t as frigid as previous days. The sun was shining, so I got a bit more sunlight than the previous several days. I even managed to get in a decent workout between clinic and my 2nd job. I’m holding steady, and hoping that they seriously figure out a long-term solution before the peak of summer heat kills the equipment again.

Regardless, it’s not my circus and I will always do my best to stay focused on my happy place. I will keep finding better feeling thoughts, and do my best to keep pulling up, even when triggers are plentiful and repetitive. Sometimes it just takes way more effort, and I’m somewhat wondering if I will ever see a good reason to keep reaching up so diligently. Hopefully that’s just the remnants of discouragement talking.

May you have many birthdays with beautiful perfect weather. May you find that finding your happy place is easy. May it be life affirming and easy to regain your balance and feel good. May you have plenty of rest and plenty of warmth. May you see the results of your energetic and thought work. May you know that God loves and supports you in all that you do, no matter what.

Om Shanti