Did you know…

As far as KC area and me….

  • Psychological therapists charge over twice what I make an hour and I haven’t found any willing to trade.
  • There’s a significant wait list for all of the reduced fee clinics and services. Even KC Care Clinic, where I’ve already been, I’d have at least a 30 day wait to see a student psychologist.
  • I’ve already tapped out my trades anyway. I traded for Anya to get help, traded for Nathan to get help, traded for a riding mower to help Nathan be able to actually finish our yard, and I traded for one massage a month for me. If I trade for anything else I won’t be able to pay bills.
  • Despite a very generous client commissioning artwork, and then my purchasing an E-Bike instead of a second vehicle, our debt keeps climbing instead of shrinking. The E-Bike hasn’t been around long enough to know if it will help level out the financial flow.
  • I’m drowning and no one knows or cares to know.
  • God obviously hates me because I have done all the things, been a good person, helped everyone I could with everything I could, and shit just got worse instead of better. But not just worse, no- worse indefinitely, as every day for the foreseeable future, possibly years even decades.
  • I feel alone in efforts to fix and make up for this mess.
  • Still waiting on GI scopes for his inability to eat and keep food down without medication, but everyone else has pretty well said Nathan is as good as it gets from a medical standpoint in regards to peritoneal dialysis. Yea.
  • This week has brought a mental breakdown because I have functioned one foot in front of the other for 7 months, and I can’t anymore.
  • I want to kill myself and I have told everyone around me, including my children. They get upset, and Nathan gets angry, but no one can fix it.

Find people he says.

Nathan’s doctor appointment today, the doctor noticed I was depressed. Maybe it was the swearing, the outburst about how ineffective and non-communicative the system is, maybe it was crying over how their description of dialysis fixing things was night and day from reality. Who knows. Then he told me I should find people to help. I can’t do it alone, he says. Where’s my people?

I don’t have people, I have coworkers. Very kind coworkers.

I don’t even have people that ask me to go shopping or have a cup of tea or go to a movie or concert. This is a shitty steaming pile of crap that wasn’t supposed to be my experience in the first place. If it’s too much to ask me to come over for tea then how the hell do I even hope to ask for help? No one wants this, I know because I’ve been reaching for better, for nearly 8 years, to get this. I don’t want this.

I haven’t been anywhere with anyone, where at least one other family member of mine was present. Always together. I don’t know if the default setting ran people off, or I’m just too much to be around. Maybe it’s both. Maybe they don’t think I will say yes because I am so strapped for everything and stressed because of it. The few times I got to stop at my coworkers home for a little pool before heading home; family was my heavy cloak that no one took off me and there wasn’t enough time and space for me to let it slip off. I’m like pig-pen, except instead of a cloud of dust, I’m kicking up mess and mayhem that seems to send everyone screaming for the hills. Yet I didn’t ask for it, I didn’t cause it, and I’ve done everything in my power to fix it.

The god of gods, the most holy, is supposed to fix it when all human measures fail. I did everything I was supposed to. I more than made the grade. For a long time. It was lots of things, every day, for years.

Even in the darkest sea, the light of God is still supposed to shine. Everyone says it, like they believe that. I did believe them because they were so convincing.

False fairy tales I fell for.

I have no people. I have no family. I have no friends. I have no one other than the 5 of us stuck with each other, and 3 of those are children. So yes doc, where’s my people? I don’t even have readers anymore. I literally could say or do anything and no one would even notice.

So why am I still here? Why am I still playing a game that lost it’s shred of fun ages ago? If this were a game on a Xbox I’d have shut it off and done something else ages ago. There’s no off switch for me in this mess, and no one to help either. It’s wrong. Where’s God’s light in that moment? Where’s God’s ability to make right of wrongs? Where’s God’s ability to end suffering when humanity is lost?

And in case you’re wondering, though I doubt it…. I have taken my meds. Full thyroid dose. All of my multiple vitamins and minerals. Skipped some of the herbs. And I’ve had at least 5 times as much cannabis derived product as a work day, if not more. I’m medicated, exercised, and eating damn clean compared to most Americans, and still fighting this off. I’m loosing the battle and just want it to end. I’m sorry.

Pressure… Release

It’s funny. Society, our parents, our siblings, our friends, our bosses, our medical institutions; all pressure us into doing certain things or being certain ways.

Yet in the end no one really cares that we did.

For me, I simply had to go to college, it was supposed to grant me better wages and a better way of life. I simply had to get married and have kids, family is life after all. I had to get the house and the car(s) and the picket fence. I had to have a good stable job.

Yet no one really gave a shit when I hit every milestone. There were no big celebrations of my successes. There was no acknowledgement of multiple wins. There were no accolades for things learned or earned or mastered. There has been nothing except one ‘supposed to’ followed by another ‘have to’ for my entire life. I’m tied to my parents energetically in a way that has damaged my brain and body, and caused lifelong illness, and I can’t fix it. Bonus there was never any consent in those ties.

Now there’s not enough of me left to care about anything else. There isn’t anything left of me to even know what is me anymore. It’s all everyone else’s brainwashing, expectations, and energetic baggage.

I know how to solve it. There is one answer for all of it. There is one guarantee that I’d never have to be, do, or have anything that anyone else expects, I would be permanently untied to anything and untied from everyone.

See here’s the kicker, no one has ever wanted me to do it. The one thing that would guarantee I’d be just me again, and no one wants me to do it.

We all deserve to be ourselves again. I deserve to feel me again. I deserve to have rewards and relief, or at least a final release from all of it. I did EVERYTHING I was asked, supposed to do, suggested to do, encouraged to do. I met all the stupid life milestones and there is nothing left of me and nothing left for me.

May you feel like you matter to anyone beyond stuff and work. May you have enough left to feel yourself and know there is something, anything for you. May you feel your way to a solution.

Om Shanti