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Catching Up: 2

Anything can be comical.

It’s all in how you see it.

I felt I need to use my bought of suicidal depression this week as fodder to find humor and also some self-appreciation. It was an inspired ‘for instance’ moment:

You can view my suicidal depression from the standpoint of that really sucks. That I’ve lived with cronic severe depression since I was 12, and didn’t fully grasp how to climb out quickly for years. It ravaged my life on so many levels it’s hard to even put words to. I lost days, weeks and entire swaths of years to crippling depression; and knowing now that it had a medical cause based on layers of organ malfunction and chronic viral disease, it can be maddening to think about how my life might have gone if it had been properly diagnosed and fully treated starting when I was 12. It still is maddening, knowing that so much damage was done, that it takes extra special levels of self-care and uncovered alternative treatments to attempt to solve it now. Something that I struggle to accomplish being a responsible member of society.

BUT

Then I think about how many times I’ve seriously weighed pros and cons of tool options for suicidal execution, and thus how likely I might be successful…. Is there a Guinness record for that? I think I’ve won it! Perhaps if there’s not, I should petition them to make it a category. Except who actually keeps track of that shit?! Don’t you have to prove quantities? Well I guess that’s out of the question. … However, I’ve also oogled pretty flowers and funny cat videos probably just as many times. Somehow that scale keeps balancing! I wonder what the actual ratio of depression-thoughts to YouTube-distraction and nature is? Hmmm…. Visualizing scales of justice… Dark cloud on one side and fluffy things on the other. That’s a lot of fluff!

And oh it gets better:


Just think how many times I’ve actually gotten really close to said execution. On one hand, holy shit! It seriously takes a while to count/remember them all! On the other hand, I’ve now proven you can go back and forth across that line many times and still be standing. I have danced with death and walked away from it. I bent, kissed his hand and said adiu, maybe another day, there are other dances I still want to experience. I’ve proven it can be done, not just once, but several times. This last one was more like and old man’s shaky punch to the face, but I got my point across! Hoorah! KMA!

Or then consider: I’ve danced with death so much that I can just see the darkness coming a mile away now. I can half predict the collective’s trajectoiry because of it. It makes for really interesting rants in my effort to wake people up in time. I know I’m not catching very many in the grand scheme, but perhaps my drop will matter, will become the ripple. Especially with Med/Vax fails probably being signs of the industries’ impending doom. Wonder what all those doctors will do when no one trusts their profession anymore, least not enough to pay a living wage. That’s Dr. Fry Boy to you. One Covid-gone-worse is all it’ll take for western medicine to crumble completely, especially if it happens anytime soon while this burn is still stinging. I’m not putting my eggs in that basket any more than absolutely necessary, they hold keys to my tools, and if I can eliminate the need for those keys, I’d be doing even better. It’s like a string of lemmings heading for the cliff, you know what’s coming and don’t know whether to laugh hysterically or cry over the fail. (To clarify I’m specifically referencing the big institutions and 3 big pharma that have screwed the pooch repeatedly during Covid. Though all those small docs that just row the line when it doesn’t make sense might as well be included, especially when they fall to do their own jobs properly.) BTW, if you haven’t watched “Grizzly & the Lemmings” available on netflix, or played the CD-Rom “Lemmings” game from the 90’s, then you should you get this humor better.

My point is, I have done what many have failed, not just once, but many times. I have courted death and walked away capable of being a responsible citizen. When I was 12 I never found the positives, I just managed to not die. Now that I’m an adult, it’s almost like world’s craziest roller-coaster… “Hi death, you wanna ride with me? No, okay, see you in a bit. … AHHHHHHHHH! ūüôÉ Weeeee! ūüėÜ Yea! ūü§™ Awe, the ride is over ūüėē…. wait a minute, if I go again I can avoid Death longer. Ride-tender, can I just stay on indefinitely?! No okay, at least one more and I can dodge him later. ūü•ī”

I’m actually getting quite good at it. I’m not out of the hole completely, but considering that Sunday evening I was contemplating taking Nathan’s heart meds to not wake up in the morning, I’m doing quite spectacular in comparison. The only thing slowing me down at this point is that my biological processes need recuperation time. I’m definitely up enough to consider it another win, and finding the humor side of all of it does help significantly.

May you find the humor as relief for the worst moments of life. May you see the benefit of all of it. May you know you are capable and strong. May you find ways to laugh at your failures, and acknowledge your strength is in getting back up and trying again. May you understand that those moments are the evidence that you are doing it. There is no try, only do. May you see that everything teaches us valuable lessons to share with others so that they might escape the extreme difficulties. May you know you are loved and supported in all that you do.

Om Shanti

Quiet night

image

That’s the road in front of us.¬† No worries,¬† husband, Nathan, is driving.

We’re headed to our paper route.¬† Yep,¬† I said it,¬† we’re adults driving a route. I didn’t know it until we met Jen (who is giving us the trailer), but rural paper routes pay decent.¬† Right now we’re Sunday only,¬† but the paper just offered me a 7 day route,¬† 4 hours a day that pays better than my¬† elderly massage stuff.
Can’t pass something like that up.¬† Between the 2 paper routes,¬† I’ll make¬† double¬† what I used to make with¬† just massage, & if I can bear to keep doing massage with¬† the old folks,¬† we’ll make about 5 grand a month.¬† Numbers I’ve never seen.

Our little family has had it hard in the last¬† decade,¬† and it’s not for the lack of trying.

I have a BA in art, & been trained & certified as a massage therapist,¬† & been trained & licensed as a class B professional driver. To this point I’ve worked in all 3 fields and never broken 30grand a year. The best money to this point has been driving transit & handicap buses. A close second was when I did massage for a chiropractor,¬† which was ok hourly wages,¬† until he nearly worked me to death- and I fell asleep at the wheel headed home- I quit.
Enough was enough then too, and I struck out on my own.¬† Opened a small office & ran Groupon’s/LivingSocial’s, & barely made ends meet until I solidly got into several nursing centers. Then I had my baby,¬† closed my office, & just did nursing centers. Things were tight, but I could pay our bills & not have¬† a 40+ hour work week, which was vital with a brand new baby.

I love Anya,¬† but she was not a birth for me.¬† Her mom left Nathan when Anya was just a baby,¬† & we spent 8 years driving back¬† & forth¬† every 2 weeks to see Anya. Then Anya’s mom died of cancer, & the driving & those costs ceased¬† because we got full custody.

Those were challenges in their own right,  but not on the scale of giving birth & trying to work with a newborn.

Why did I have¬† to work?¬† I was the only one that could.¬† Anya’s mom leaving,¬† in my opinion literally broke Nathan’s heart. It may seem like a stretch to some,¬† but for me it’s real.¬† 4 years into driving for Anya,¬† Nathan got sick. He had/has an enlarged heart, high blood pressure,¬† & out of control diabetes.¬† Doctors orders: don’t¬† work, apply for disability,¬† watch your salt & numbers.¬† We did that & so much more.¬† I’m confident he’ll live many more¬† years because of all the work we did. Did we ever get disability? NO. So, I get to support us.¬†¬† Although,¬† when Anya’s mom died of cancer we did get benefits for her,¬† which have hepled more times than I can count. Never the less those benefits rightfully belong to her, ¬†& I hope to be able to replace what I’ve used ¬†one day. Regardless of the benefits,¬† I’m really the income for the family. I make sure we have¬† healthy food,¬† warm clothes,¬† & as comfortable of a home as I can create.

That last one was falling short with the bug infested apartment, so now the trailer journey. Again, enough is enough.  I know I can do better,  so I will.

With the apparent strength in that statement,  there has been many a metaphorically dark night.

I’ve struggled with depression, literally since I was¬† 12 years old.¬† I currently hold western medicine responsible for that with¬† new knowledge of ¬†my thyroid woes. Regardless,¬† I’ve had one emotional struggle, followed by another. I talk about them now, in hopes of giving others solace that they are not alone. I’ve had many semicolons in my life,¬† when I thought things were over. It can happen for others,¬† but it’s not always sunshine & roses, and that perspective can sometimes actually make matters worse.¬† Never tell someone that is suicidal that “they just need to snap out of it,¬† it’s not as¬† bad as you think”. That’s essentially telling an already suicidal person that they are crazy,¬† mentally ill. And though that may be technically the case,¬† it’s not helpful in preventing suicide. I KNOW!

It’s better to give love & support, let them know you care,¬† that you’re there,¬† offer to help find resources if it’s needed.¬† And most¬† importantly,¬† a shoulder to cry on,¬† that it’s ok to cry, just let it out. That’s what’s helpful.

In every case where I’ve been most lost, that is what has mattered.

There has been twice that I’ve literally almost lost the battle.¬† Once when I first met Nathan,¬† we were rural.¬† I drove myself to a small lake nearby,¬† in the middle of nowhere,¬† corn fields. I found myself sitting in the car on the beach listening to mice chewing on the insulation of the car’s roof.¬† Thinking I cold just hit the gas, drive in & end everything. Finally,¬† I broke down sobbing,¬† fell out of the car,¬† & sat there crying for an eternity. When I finally got too cold, I crawled back into the driver’s seat & went home. Nathan told me he didn’t know where I’d gone, that he knew something was horribly wrong,¬† but he didn’t know what to do.

The second was just after my son was born, & my thyroid had fallen WAY off. I didn’t¬† know that’s what was happening, I just found myself screaming and screaming¬† at “God”. Finally,¬† headed home from work one day,¬† I was screaming at “God” again, & when I got to the Missouri river bridge,¬† I actually found myself thinking of driving off the side,¬† to the extent that I even headed for the shoulder of the highway.¬† Luckily,¬† whatever stupid self preservation mechanism we have¬† as humans finally kicked in & I righted¬† the vehicle & cried my way¬† home. When I got home crying,¬† Nathan just held me.

Again,  I offer my story for a sense of solace for those in the midst of the dark,  & for perspective for  those trying to help someone who is in the dark.  It can shift,  change for the better.  The semicolon of life can be found.  Hang in there.