Tag Archives: Abraham Hicks

Both

This week has brought variety, I enjoy that. In a way it is my “Both”.

I finished a coloring picture and started a graphite drawing:

I did a few deep tissue massages for the clinic contract.

I did all my usual Elder Care Massage.

I snuggled with kids and cats.

I worked with Tarot/Oracle cards since HAL kept giving me notifications to watch other people do the same thing. There is a running theme that I’ve noticed, and I keep getting the same hand full of readers, even though I’m sure there are hundreds, if not thousands to be had on YouTube. It seems the Divine is giving me messages yet another new way.

I want to be hopeful, but the messages being given just keep reiterating have a little more patience, even though these are topics of several years running. I want to have patience, but still feel strongly it is just “Waiting for Godot”, waiting begets more waiting. Maybe that is just impatience taking, but maybe, just maybe there’s truth in that.

Either way, I ultimately feel like my personal path of least resistance is more of the stance of: I give up, I’ll connect to my ‘ET’ when I can, and assume that my life just is what it is. I may or may not ever have significant relief and if there’s never significant relief I’ll do my best to feel Atira in my heart and know that my family, my kids have that seed in them as well. I’ll make strides where and when I can, and do my personal best to be the change I wish to see in the world.

I will carry my seed of “Both” in my heart till the day I die if I have to. One day this world will relax and allow for greater, but I conceed it may not be in my lifetime. I would love for my energetic cluster that Abraham refers to, to come together and create a real Atira, and show the world it’s not just twins of flame. I know that I’m part of a greater whole, and that intense fire connects several people, but so far I’ve found my husband and 2 others which choose to allow themselves to be bound in ways that prevent our cluster from beginning to assemble. I send them love from afar, but disconnect otherwise because I want to allow myself forward motion. I can’t have my own forward motion if I keep focusing on their bound stuck-ness.

Perhaps I’ll find some of the others and then those two will one day find a way to join the cluster later. Who really knows, that’s why we call this paradox life.

I’ll leave you with a good reminder which I see every week when I use my one assisted living building’s spa.

Yet More Clarity

I’m totally over experiencing more contrast. I’m okay with some smooth sailing for a while, but to get there I must endure the remnants of my previous creations and keep reminding myself of the better things yet to come. So every negative ping is an opportunity to focus on what my inner-being is saying to me. So I’m going to just list some things by category (no particular order) that are the higher vibration positive thought of my negative pings of recent history.

Political Pings result in:

My Government works fairly well most of the time, and classically we as a country have fared better than many countries in the world.

Regardless of others’ opinions on how one should voice their concerns, at least we have the freedom to do just that in any way we choose; and eventually companies will realize how much that is a good thing and support all of those in their employ that choose to make intense valuable statements to help right wrongs in our history.

I understand that our military has fought for those rights, and they were trained very well that the flag is what they are fighting for. I also understand that the flag is merely a symbol of our greater democracy and ALL of its constituents, so really the military is fighting for all of us and all of our rights. Thus, I would think that there are those in the military that understand what they are truly fighting for- a major part being: our freedom of speech and to be able to generate positive changes through that freedom. So, regardless of how someone chooses to make a statement, ideally our military should acknowledge that they did fight for all of us. Additionally, if someone feels they need to make a big statement using the flag as their tool, then one would hope that everyone could realize it is just a tool, just a symbol, and see how important that statement is. As Summer Osborne sang “It was not just for some, it is for every single one”. If we have citizens that feel it does not reflect them or protect them, we should correct so that they will feel it holds that value for them as well. If the flag is to be a symbols for everyone, then make sure solutions point to that, or acknowledge that currently it is only protecting some, and make improvements so that one day it does include all of our citizens.

I know that my government does have some people in it, that really do care about the citizens of the country. Those people are doing their best, to find the best solutions, for the broadest portion of the population, that their decisions affect.

I know that really when you boil most of the apparent differences down, at the heart is a country wanting to be heard and wanting decisions in our government to reflect that.

I know that it is possible for love, and definitely acceptance, to overcome the negative issues in our country right now. It may take time, but it is certainly possible.

I look forward to seeing more people in our government that want to come together and find common ground to find the most solutions possible. I know that this coming election is a period that could generate many more of those individuals. I sincerely hope that our population can look for those most ideal representatives and place their votes for those candidates in confidence.

Our government can and will start doing better as people begin to focus more positively and on more solutions.

Home pings result in:

I’m totally ready to settle down, find my for-a-long-time home, my home-base to launch travels from. I know that this move may not be that ‘final’ move, but I’m getting closer to being able to do that. I’m listening to my inner-being better and eventually it will guide me to the resources and circumstances to be able to accomplish that. I really really look forward to that day. I remember the story from “The Secret” where the one guy moved something like 6 times in 4 years, but his last move was his dream home. I’m hopeful that I could be on that same trajectory right now. In which case its perfectly ok that I’m having to move again.

I have enjoyed being in a house with running water and efficient/stable electricity and internet. Having gone through a period without those things has definitely helped me to have a  much greater appreciation of them now. I look forward to our next home having as good if not better utilities.

I also have enjoyed being in an environment that was in better state of upkeep and with some color on the walls. It is nice and helps with a feeling of home and coziness. I like that a lot. I look forward to a home in excellent repair and the ability to make rooms the colors we choose. That will be nice.

Our neighborhood has been good, it’s quiet and cozy and everyone looks out for each other, they are friendly and welcoming. I appreciate that cooperativeness in neighbors, and look forward to our next neighborhood being that or even better.

I did enjoy being in the country, but I do also enjoy being closer to work. I am hopeful that we will find a home that is really close to work and has a touch of the feel that being in the country brings. I am sure that somewhere near work I can find a home with lots of trees and a little more secluded from the busy thoroughfares, because that does sound so wonderful and I know that God/my inner-being will help guide us to that.

I have especially appreciated that this home has fit within our budget even with having taken time off for having the baby. I am very appreciative that we had enough to get through, and I know that we will find another home that fits the bill. We will continue to have enough. God will continue to make sure we get through. Everything will be ok.

People pings result in:

I love feeling loved and I love feeling appreciated, and I love giving both in return.

Sometimes things just don’t work out, and I love knowing that I don’t have to let my heart get broken, that it is a choice and effort of focus. Even if I’m not there yet, I can be with a little (even a lot of) practice. If I practice well enough the next people in my life will meet my desires more readily.

I love that my husband is so very supportive of me in every way that he is able. I really appreciate that he has made great efforts and strides in keeping to his promises, no matter how big or how small. He has done much better at staying on top of things and getting everything done that he says he’s going to.

I am appreciative of when people tell me things and then follow through. I know that things do happen and people are not perfect, but I acknowledge that they have the best of intentions when they tell me things. I look forward to people giving me honest responses that include what could happen if “plan A” does not quite work out, what is their “plan b, c or d”.

I look forward to being surrounded by many people that work as diligently on finding their inner-being as I am working. Inspired people, lead to inspired actions, and then everything flows smoothly and easily, and everyone ends up happy. I love that idea.

I love that I am beginning to see my fears and angers for what they are, and I’m beginning to use that to push myself to find the god-force view of things. I look forward to all of my family being able to do that too. In fact I look forward to everyone around me being able to do that. It will propel us all too better days and away from restricting ourselves to rehashing the old negatives repeatedly. We all want improvement in one way or another or many ways, and finding that other view does seem to be an efficient way to find that improvement.

I have realized that as much as I enjoy mutuality with others on good or fun topics, I love so much more, finding mutuality with my higher-self that sees everything in the best way possible. I really, really care about what influence I’m under, and even though I’m still working on catching myself, I get better at it every day that I keep practicing my focus.

I know that when I’m the most hurt, most upset, most angry, it is the biggest and best opportunity to really learn how to refocus and find my inner-self; and even though it’s not instantaneous, it can be done fairly quickly if I really focus. It’s really rally satisfying to know that.

All of the negative situations and people in the last couple of years has really helped me to learn this process. I’m doing amazingly better than I was in 2015 and 2016. That is priceless, and means eventually my river will feel like smooth sailing. I am hopeful now, that it will even be such, very soon.

Everything happens for a reason, and sometimes the reason is merely to learn how to not do what they did, how to remain focused on higher more positive responses. Again a push to keep practicing. I prefer so much for feel secure and safe over fearful. I love so much to find appreciation over anger. I love knowing that by working on my thoughts I am improving my life in ALL ways. I am literally healing every aspect of my life, one thought at a time.



The one thing I haven’t had as many negative pings lately is on my health. I still have some saggy and floppy bits from having baby 4 months ago, but they are working on retreating, so I know they will firm up eventually. Beyond that I’ve had so many people telling me that I look good these days that I am very happy with my progress. When others know I’ve lost weight and see my glow, I know I am doing well. It helps me feel so much better knowing my efforts have paid off, and it is very encouraging so I’ll keep at it. I love feeling good and I know that my beliefs have have led to this path to finding feeling good. Eventually those beliefs will improve and create ease, but for now I will stick with the resulting path of least resistance to physically having optimum health.

Thank you Abraham/Collective-Consciousness for all of your guidance.

Thank you God/Shiva/Poseidon/Cuernunnos

Thank you Goddess/Kali/Gaea/Brighid

 

Hogwash & fiddlesticks, I want to feel good.

So my last post was pure livid anger, and for good reason. But as I’m learning, that Shit is how I spent 20+ years stuck in a depression loop. So damn it, I want to feel good.

That means I must look for what I like, for things I want, for improvement, for solutions, and for love.

It’s hard to do that when you’re so pissed off.

I’m discovering it’s even hard when you’re simply in constant motion. I’m essentially back to work 7 days a week, and when I get confirmation on hours from the building I do activities for, I’ll probably have a total of 3 days off in September. I make it work, and make the best of it, but transition has been difficult for my mental puzzle again. The result has been that I was gifted 2 illnesses (1 digestive, 1 head cold) from my family, since my vibration has been all over the place. I swear I’ve been sick more since thanksgiving than I had been the previous 5 years, and the only thing that’s changed is my intense desire and efforts to produce more income and higher vibration.

It leaves me acknowledging that my negative lapses are manifesting fairly immediately, and being that they’re small and manageable is a fairly good sign. It means that my positive efforts are building steam, which I already knew from the increase in hours and income, but I suppose validation from both sides of the equation is a good thing, a helpful measure so to speak.

So, my 2 ended train is finally moving in the direction I want, albeit slowly. But if I have learned well enough, it means I just need to keep at it to get some good momentum going.

More practice; practice makes perfect.

That’s a sentiment I’ve proven to myself many times over, especially with music and art.

So, since I’m already tired, super draggy, and stuffy headed, having trouble focusing, I thought I better write since it forces me to focus.

This week (or 2?) started with good validations. At one point I had an epiphany (very personal about my childhood “imaginary” friend) I simply asked mentally that if my thoughts were accurate to show me a green & purple dragon (thinking of the puff the magic dragon song). The next day at work there was a bouquet of green and purple flowers that were placed such as to remind me of a scaly dragon head. They were in a residents’ room and she was reading a “song of Solomon” about where someone’s love had gone. I knew it was my validation instantly and nearly cried telling her she was my message from god. Yet since that day I’ve seen nearly a dozen more green and purple dragons.

One of the last ones: I was drawn to stop at a favorite store of mine, but didn’t know why, seeing as I didn’t have any extra cash available for spending fun. While there I thanked the owner for support she gave years ago when Nathan was ill, she said she needed that, and I knew that was part of my visit, but something else was nagging me. I browsed a bit and ultimately discovered my message:

A Shiva statue priced with my birth year, and my dragon request on a singular box of incense. Next to 2 other incense boxes that were one of a kind. I know because it was such an intense set that I looked through the whole wall of incense to see if someone had just misplaced them. No, no matches were to be found, they were the last ones available.

I simply could not resist and bought the incense, knowing I’ll ultimately have to go back for the statue at some point soon. Resistance is futile. You don’t say no to the universe, but it’ll have to wait until payday.

The point of all of this is, I’m definitely getting messages, and they all feel really good. I like that. I love being validated and feeling supported. My only hiccup is in understanding. As in, I only asked for one dragon, and the first was good enough for me. So why then, give me a dozen more, one of which was the exact thought I had- a green & purple- puff the magic dragon?

Does the quantity and repetition equal someone screaming “yes!” from the other side? And if so, I’d think it would start manifesting, like now. I’m going to tell myself that’s the case and see how things unfold.

I have been feeling intense anticipation for some while now, but have difficulty maintaining focus on just that. It makes me all jittery, and ultimately I end up getting distracted by daily interactions. Yet, I suppose that’s the practice makes perfect element.

So, I think about what I want, and possible ways it could happen, and I do my best to make sense of other messages I see. Like I still want to end up in Colorado with a big dome full of people that love me enough to commit to being family. I know who I’d like that to include, but right now I still don’t have any idea how, and I’m doing my best to ignore roadblocks and deadlines in the way of that. I keep reminding myself that the divine can ultimately solve everything in proper timing, even if 60 days seems like a tight squeeze to me, and there’s probably a dozen options I can’t even fathom.

I think of all the other close calls I’ve had and how everything always worked out. God has my back and always keeps me safe. Usually I’m the one that gets in my own way of that, and this time I intend to be a cooperative element helping things flow smoothly.

To that end I even let myself go down a small ego-trip road with how lucky I am to have multiple people that care about me. People that care and help more than my own blood realitives (exception being my parents). It helps me see my good. I thought about my strengths and good qualities, and admitted that even my weaknesses could be worse. I appreciated myself a bit and acknowledged there’s a reason others care. I like knowing that, it helps me see how to love myself. I am a good person and I will get to do great things for this world yet. Of that I’m certain. I know that I must hang in and keep practicing this, and even if I have a few more muggle based action steps to enable myself to practice allowing, at some point soon I will get good at manifesting exactly what I want.

When I do- watch out, because I could end up being the next Oprah/Ellen. Not saying I want to be on TV, I really don’t, I just like how they inspire others and help so many people. Yeah, I want that part, and can totally skip the being on TV.

So this ended up being rambly and all over the place, probably due to that being sick difficulty focusing thing. I apologize for that, but I’m glad you hung in there with me. If I can climb out of decades of depression, and overcome livid anger in a few days, you can too. May we all make a better world by starting with ourselves. A single drop creates ripples in the whole lake.

Bhagavad Gita meets Abraham

So, if you’ve read my blog, you may be aware I’ve come in contact with many things that most Midwestern American young white women would have no clue of their existence.

Partly this was due to my own inner knowing early on, that my parents religious path left much to be desired for me personally. Also it was partly due to a very unique set of individuals I met growing up.

In middle school I had friends of several different Christian faiths that allowed me to visit their churches. What I discovered was that I didn’t really mesh with any of the churches completely.

By highschool, I had read books on Zen Buddhism, Taoism, other eastern paths, and had learned quite a bit about my ancient ancestors which were most likely druids.

I had one friend that moved into the same small school I did, within months of my moving in. That friend introduced me to Wicca and reading her books, I knew it was headed the right direction. Another friend lived there her whole life, but her parents’ home was the regional Buddhist temple and I was fortunate to meet the Lama on one of his visits to Iowa. It was a very special afternoon, one I still remember vividly because I felt very clearly when something said resonated and when it didn’t.

Then by sophomore year I’d read “Siddhartha” and “Iliad and Oddessy” as part of my academic endeavors. I&O for a lit class and Siddhartha for academic decathlon. Both instructors guiding the readings commented that I seemed to get much more out of either story than most ‘kids my age’. They were right, much of both stories resonated deeply, but there were still gaps in what I was searching for.

We lived near Maharishi University, and many people in the Iowa city area followed their teachings, so my next stop was to see what I might glean from their teachings. I discovered meditation and had learned basics of many Hindu concepts. That seemed to fill many of the gaps I felt. In an effort to know more, I read more. That was my first reading of the Bhagavad Gita.

I’ve begun rereading the BG because it didn’t stick as well back then. However, in reading it for a second time, I’m now almost tempted to reread the others (time being the only hindrance).

What I’m discovering is that language barriers in translations probably hindered my understanding somewhat in the first reading. This time I’m understanding much more of what is being said and I’m amazed at how much of it overlaps with Abraham Hicks teachings. It makes me wonder if the same thing happened with “Siddhartha” and “Iliad & Oddessy” in particular.

I know both books’ translations were well respected versions, and I remember clearly some scenes being so enthralling for me that it was as if my brain turned them into movies .

For instance in “Siddhartha” there is an excerpt where the main character meditates by a stream and sees all the faces of his life experience, in the stream. It led him to the understanding of how we are all part of one greater energy stream. When I read that part of the story, it was as if I was sitting by the stream having that experience. It was vivid and real, and I fully and completely understood exactly what was being conveyed.

I was roughly 14 when I read that.

I was only a year or so older the first time I picked up the Bhagavad Gita. So if my new reading is so eye opening, with this text, I can’t imagine the response I’d have with another pass on Siddhartha.

For instance:

In the BG’s 4th chapter/book titled “The Way of Renunciation of Action in Knowledge” the 18th verse/line reads: “He who sees inaction in action, and action in inaction is intelligent among men, he is a yogi and a doer of all action.”

To me I hear a direct echo of Abraham talking about how uninspired physical action is useless and unproductive, but if one meditates and finds inspiration in meditation, then any action based upon that inspiration is bound to be successful. Abraham has said it many ways, but regardless of the words the meaning is the same. Inactive meditation followed by inspired action is the best and most effective, wisest use of our lives.

Who knew that there was so much overlap?!

Abraham probably did!

Heck somewhere in my mind it had to have registered. Yet, another thing Abraham is right about. If you’re not ready to receive the information, then no amount of exposure will line you up with it.

Just because I read the text years ago didn’t mean it registered, that’s why I even acknowledged a reread couldn’t hurt. I knew I’d missed things, and it just didn’t stick over time.

Now that I’ve heard the information from a western perspective, and accepted it’s applications in my life, it’s starting to sink in. That has led to seeing the missed variations that I’d already read years before.

For me this is merely validation that I’m on the right track. I’d already read it years ago, but over time I’ve been exposed to variations from throughout history, and it’s finally making sense. I’m finally understanding and seeing it working, and rereading one of the early examples causing a ‘seeing it for what it is’ realization.

It’s like hiking a path to the top of a crest and looking down the crest one way, and looking back down the path and connecting just how far you’ve come.

It feels good.

I think I’ll finish the Bhagavad Gita just to solidify for myself that I’ve gotten what I can out of it.

May you all have your AhHa moments this week and have that sense of accomplishment. It is good to feel that sense of ‘coming so far’ to know where you’ve been.

“You can’t give up on your dreams.” -Abraham

I thought I had, until an online stranger woke them up in me, and I simply can’t forget now.

NOW Abraham’s words echo in my brain repeatedly.

The last 2 and a half years has been a strange journey, thinking I was headed one way, but now feeling like it was all a giant cosmic ruse to create an about-face in my life.

My priorities have changed, my choices have begun to reflect that. I question everything, I’m constantly analyzing my thoughts and motives, even my interactions with others are being picked apart by my psyche.

I’m now doubting my doubts, questioning how I ever let myself get to the place of giving up on everything…. How did I end up in survival mode, struggling to get by and keep my little family intact? I’m not sure that I have answers, but the path has led me to realize how insanely disconnected I’d become, and so unintentionally in the process.

I love my husband, and my family, and they were always supposed to be part of my dreams. I believe they still are, but I’d lost sight of the truly important parts of those dreams. Now I’m not sure if I can make up for the lapses and get us all back on track.

For now I’m doing my best to get myself back on track. …

After baby, I’ve done better with health concerns than after Ian. Except for significant hair loss, and a couple of bad weeks the first postpartum month, I’m really doing quite well compared to after Ian.

Milk supply is still a struggle, but I’ve tackled it with every possible helpful tool. I’m literally doing the best I can, and I’ve somewhat come to terms with the realization that my family’s genetics is probably the reason that formula was ever developed. In fact I’m rather baffled at how my family even passed thru the ages until formula even existed. I’m utilizing multiple modern tools that didn’t exist 40 years ago, let alone before modern medicine and manufacturing. I guess we got through somehow, most likely with some very malnourished babies (at least until teeth emerged).

With that being said, not only is baby walking, but she’s teething in a big way, and already showing great interest in food. I’ve cautiously given her tiny nibbles and mushy foods to taste and it’s only encouraged her. I suspect she’s going to be ready to eat consistently before I am ready to be feeding her.

So, that in addition to everything else, I continually work on finding thought alignment in being the best mom I can be. Diligently working on being helpful with regards to assisting baby in finding her most preferred choices. Only source knows how well I’m doing.

So then I work on finding my alignment even more. Give, take, back and forth.

I’m back to work, knowing it helps me mentally with variety and also with feeling more secure financially. However, I know that I still struggle with getting overwhelmed and wanting to see similar support in my family. A desire to share the burden is essentially at the heart of it all. More alignment to find, attempts to see the support from the divine and let go of others needing to fill that role. It’s a hard one.

Yet I do find gratitude that I have ample work to be had. Every time I seek more hours, there is plenty to be found. My reputation proceeds me, and I always have choices. People trust me and know I will do a job well done. It is merely about how much can I handle and what I’m willing to take on. For now it seems I’m back to 10 to 12 hour days, 4 days a week, with a smattering of work the other 3. It’s OK for the moment.

I’d rather have financial flow that doesn’t take my direct labor, but some financial flow is better than none. So since I know my work will produce money, but have difficulty believing it can come other ways, I’ll stick to doing what I know works for the moment and work on believing the alternate as I manually produce some.

Finally, is that stranger that stirred all this up. I’ve not been able to forget about him, but I’ve come to a comfortable point of knowing that it’s out of my hands. It’s up to him and god as to whether it ever amounts to more or not. So, essentially, I occasionally send a singular message to acknowledge he’s on my mind- just in case he cares, but I’ve kept it as passive as I am able. I want him to know I do still care, but I’m doing my best to keep it as open and free of expectations as possible. I would love to hear from him again, but I’m feeling like he’s made a particular set of decisions that discourages it from his perspective. It seems my paradigm was just too much to mesh with his. We were not in mutuality on enough concepts to belong together.

It’s just that to this day, I don’t understand why the divine would show me things, let me feel things, to have it not manifest anything. I’ve never, ever, had that happen. Every time I’ve ever been shown things, they’ve come to pass. A few of them took a really long time (2nd-baby visions were nearly a decade ago, & visions about Nathan took nearly 3 years to manifest fully). So, then my brain wants to tell me this is another really long time situation, but shortly after that the damn DOUBT over being cut off sneaks in. I’ve yet to figure out a way around that one. It’s hard to convince yourself someone is going to be in your life when they refuse to respond to any messages. So for now I’m just giving into the possibility that I have no real clue. I could have been wrong, my visions could be a completely different person, and they could have merely been symbolic. There’s a first time for everything, and I know what I felt was validation that I was getting AVI from god, but it doesn’t mean I translated it correctly. I relinquish that eventually, maybe years from now, maybe after I’m dead, I’ll have a full understanding. For now I wait, as patiently as possible, accepting that I’ve got enough for now, and I’m eager for more good things to come in proper time.

Be well, may you find your doubtless thoughts and good manifestations. May we all be eager for more good in all of our lives.

Beautiful things…

Like the song by Annie Lennox “A Thousand Beautiful Things”:

” Every day I write the list

Of reasons why I still believe they do exist

(A Thousand Beautiful Things)

And even though it’s hard to see

The glass is full and not half empty

(A Thousand Beautiful Things)

So light me up like the sun…”

I write my list today to remind myself of things I love. Things I miss when they’re gone. Things I want to see more of. Things I relish and enjoy every last bit of. Things that brighten my day and my life. AND I apologize to everyone for having gone negative for a while again. Suffice it to say no-one enjoys being negative and in the hole, and let my negative posts be validation of my efforts to heal myself, as when you’re down you always want to get up again. This is my effort to do so. This is my effort to start to turn things around regardless of my physical experience. I’m doing as Abraham says “Shift away from the what-is-ness and toward the what can be.” Shifting yet again and taking to heart “you’re always in the right place at the right time, but sometimes you’re looking at it in the wrong way”.

First on my list of loves is every single thing in that song.

Then:

I love hugs and cuddles from those I love, and giving them as well.

I love my children and my kitties, especially because they unconditionally love me.

I love playing with my kids.

I love art: drawing, coloring, painting, all kinds of making art, and most kinds for looking at.

I love music: listening or playing, and most genres, especially all 64GB I have.

I love massages, mostly receiving because it’s so darn helpful and feels good, but giving helps people so I like that too.

I love getting things that help me feel better: exercise, sun, healthy foods, sleep, and fun activities.

I love comfy quiet spaces.

I love starting my day with a hot shower, they are so refreshing and relaxing and help me start my day in the best frame of mind.

I love waking up refreshed and on time to start my day easily and smoothly.

I love things to do, being balanced with time to just be.

I like nice cars in tip top shape, well oiled machines so to speak, including good tires & brakes, and would love a new electric vehicle.

I love it when people communicate effectively, and when they talk to each other consistently.

I love when people talk to me about their interests and desires, and things they like and enjoy.

(conditional ones… oopsie)

I love feeling really supported and cared for. (that’s more unconditional, maybe Abraham can help me find some more words here…)

I love feeling love for others and receiving love.

I love feeling appreciated.

I love feeling happy and having fun.

I love feeling content.

I love feeling comfortable in my body (though it could be way more often).

I love peace and peacefulness.

I love being inspired and feeling accomplishment when my inspired actions pan out positively (I’d love to do that much more often also).

I love the feeling of wholeness and completeness.

I love feeling abundance and prosperity.

I love knowing that the universe supports me and is working on a solution to pay for all of my needs (including the birth costs).

I love knowing that the universe can flow money to me many, many more ways than I can even begin to think of, and love knowing all I need is alignment to allow it.

I love feeling relaxed and centered.

I love the feeling of balance in all respects.

I love the feeling of freedom.

I enjoy feeling welcomed.

I enjoy the feeling of belonging.

I love that my children are loving and doing their best to find their way in this world. I look forward to mastering my guidance system to show them how to do the same. Because I also know actions do teach better than words.

I love the feeling of friendship.

I love the feelings of having good conversations and really connecting with someone.

I love the feeling of stability and homecoming that a close knit family home brings.

I love feeling calm and centered and knowing that things are progressing smoothly and easily in perfect timing (that could totally happen a lot more).

I love knowing that others around me function well in chaos, because it makes up for what I’m unable to handle.

I love knowing that I can distract myself from that same chaos by retreating into my mind or simply watching funny videos, or even walk through it and recenter alone.

I love knowing that others around me are also doing their best. That they have the best intentions when they offer things to me or make suggestions, and that they really are doing their best to support me.

I love knowing that “IT” never gets done, so if someone promises me something and forgets or is unable to fulfill their promise, another way will show itself.

I love knowing that God ‘has my back’ and will make up for those dropped moments/promises. I just have to allow it.

I love the feeling of well-being, of naturalness and of normalcy. I love knowing that those feelings are a good symptoms of my body and brain functioning in tip top shape, perfect alignment. I look forward to feeling like that everyday.

I love feeling prepared for whatever is in progress.

I love being excited for good things coming.

I love being on time, even early, for everything, and I love the feeling of knowing I always have plenty of time (no rush).

I enjoy feeling that I’m in the right place at the right time.

I love feeling safe and knowing that my family is safe. I love knowing that my family strives to be in alignment so they can do lots of fun things safely.

I love being able to say yes, go for it, it’s OK.

I love feeling passion, and being passionate, about people, places, and activities.

I love knowing that I’m a vibrational being.

I love the feeling of alignment with that inner being.

I love knowing that my inner me/vibrational-being loves everything. (I’m always in the right place, but sometimes looking at it from the wrong physical viewpoint.)

I love knowing the universe will give me wonderful things when I find alignment with that inner me.

I especially love that I’m starting to get better at catching myself. I’m starting to recognize those misalignments faster and thus start correcting faster. I realize that I am still letting some of those moments snowball too much and build much negative momentum, but acknowledging that, every single time it happens, helps me inch towards catching it sooner with less momentum to correct for. I look forward to when I catch all of my negative misalignments in their infancy before they have any significant momentum at all. I love knowing I will eventually get there, and it just takes practice (maybe a lot, but that’s OK too).

And with that I leave you all with blessings of fast alignment recovery in any contrast situation.

“Nobody said it was easy…

No one ever said it would be this hard.” – Coldplay

That’s us.

I’m still waiting to find out if the birth is going to be covered by the insurance I was required to take (per government regulations in December). Insurance that cost me nearly a thousand dollars and my employer over three thousand. By that means alone I think they should have to, being the premium charges are greater than medical services provided to me during eligibility. My birth costs if rejected will be $3200 (that’s about 3 grand less than a hospital birth with no complications), and to-date the insurance has covered $35 of chiropractic and about $200 in labs. I’m still crossing my fingers they cover at least the thousand dollars worth of premiums taken out of my paycheck.

Anyway, I’m doing my best to stay positive, and not having complete success.

I wish life were like college, or school in general. I did great in academics, school was easy. Follow the rules, do your work, and poof you’re done. I Graduated in 4 years with honors, and 2 semesters of double load. I am that person that set/busted test curves and slept through classes to still get A’s.

Life is not that.

What do I mean? It’s a jumbled confusing mess of “wants to’s” vs “have to’s” vs societal dictations vs expectations of/by myself and others.

My baby wants me, just me. Nathan is OK at times, Hannah gets by for a while too, but ultimately, she just wants mommy. All day, and all night, every day.

The problem is, Ian has gotten jealous of her getting all the attention and has started making the same demands, acting out to a very obnoxious and frustrating level.

It’s impossible for me to do the same thing for both children, I must share my time.

Beyond that I’ve been contemplatinging myself, my needs and desires.

Even if I had the luxury of being able to stay home indefinitely, be it working at home or simply retiring due to money plenty, I couldn’t solely devote all of my time to two children. It would drive me insane, my brain requires variety, and lack of variety literally stifles me.

Thus, this month has held the most challenges in just attempting to appease my brain. Too many days inside watching and feeding children has left me stir crazy, but then going out leaves me shaking my head in confusion. I don’t want to spend any more money than necessary to keep savings in case the birth doesn’t get covered, but I still want to have fun. Then I find myself not knowing what fun looks likes anymore. Everything seems like too much work to accommodate two littles and my special diet, & some things just seem plain impossible. I find myself saying I’m not sure what to do, because the old me and the new me (with 2 babies) are 2 different people.

I’ve been attempting to stick to Abraham processes, and my success is still minimal. I work myself up to just fall again. Figuratively and literally.

Figuratively: I have moments where I feel like a naive fool, a wishful idiot, having let myself get hurt. Then I beat myself up for letting it continue to dog me, but have to acknowledge all of the external reminders that contribute to remembering.

I have other moments where I’m overwhelmed with all of the things I’ve yet to finish from before birth, knowing its simply more difficult to get them done when the baby wants to cling to me. I have to stop and acknowledge that I have managed to still accomplish some of them, just not all.

Then I have moments where I panic because it’s time to return to work, and on one hand I want to-finances and variety are needed; but not wanting to on the other-because a large part of me has really been enjoying cuddling with baby and playing with Ian so much.

Those figurative moments have started manifesting literally physically. I’ve fallen 3 times in a little over a week, and I never fall. Previously, my only fall in the last five years was during an attempt at ice skating.

Yet, I’ve fallen tripping over baby’s bouncy seat, luckily I fell sideways and baby didn’t even stir. Then I missed the last 2 steps going downstairs, and fell hard. Baby did notice that one, but was okay more startled and scared than hurt. Hell, that one scared me. I’m still feeling the hurt with several bruises, but it scares me fiercely that I could have really hurt baby. My third fall was on our outdoor swing. It’s one of those bench style with cushions, and I have no idea how, but I hit the ground going to sit on it and knocked the swing off it’s hooks. That after having fallen on the stairs, so baby cried, but again was just startled, as she was snug and safe in the moby.

However, at this point I don’t trust myself, pretty much at all. I’m now to the point that if I have to do something that might cause a fall I either go very slow with baby in a snug sling or I pass baby to someone else. I’ve even stayed upstairs and talked from a distance and tossed things down to avoid going up and down stairs too often. This week has scared me immensely.

So, time to focus, ground, and find some balance.

I want to make my kids happy while still meeting my needs and desires, and meeting necessities of life in a big family. I want enough rest, exercise, and enough variety to keep my brain happy. I want to feel like a productive member of society and be helpful to other humans in need. I want to enjoy my daily activities. I want to feel loved and supported. I want to see my manifestations take shape in wonderful ways. And I acknowledge that the universe knows the solutions for all of these requests and more, so ultimately I want to be in the best receiving mode I can be. I want to allow the divine to assist me with these and all of my requests. My asking is already done.

Relax. Breathe. Believe & Know. Allow. (That’s the hard part!)

Wishing I was a better translator.

I’ve come to the conclusion that many of my messages the last couple of years were merely the other-side or divine saying hi, a few were actually ‘heads up’ type messages of events that did occur (though clarity only came in hindsight), and the last group I can only speculate. So there in lies where I wish I was a better translator.

I’m beginning to think though that many of them must have been either metaphor or bait.

There were many thoughts, dreams, etc. about “the boy” & his wife that I’ve decided must have been metaphor. I simply can’t find any other way to make sense of them at this point. I also have come to the conclusion that the whole situation must be the divines’ sense of humor providing bait. Which I’m not sure whether to be annoyed or amused over that.

On one hand it really got my hopes up, to have much of what I hoped just fizzle and disappear. At least it seems as such at this time.

Yet, it provided a long needed distraction from the challenges of life and at the same time enabled me to be in a state of much greater allowing for the better part of 2 years. I felt appreciated, I felt attractive again, I felt like my dreams were not just OK to talk about, but something actually worth believing in and sharing. I enjoyed the feeling of connection- especially the energy flow, I enjoyed quality new “getting to know someone” conversations. I was mostly happy despite still being in much less than ideal physical situations. I felt like I was able to express myself to someone new & different, but someone that still cared. It definitely helped me to see some of my own positive qualities. When I think back there are lots of good feelings that were conjured.

So from the law of attraction standpoint it was essentially a good thing regardless. I can even see how some of the small things I’d talked about in that time with him have manifested, which does make me feel excitement for what else might also be working on manifesting.

I even found a place of love for essentially what was a stranger, and one that wasn’t even completely honest with me. I’m not so naive to think he was perfectly truthful, but I somehow could sense (when I knew he was lying about something) that ultimately he’d reasoned it was needed. In the way that kids think it’ll keep them safe or somehow reduce consequences. I had a sense that really he was a good person, albeit a little confused or split in his desires, and in attempting to reconcile that split, he hid things. It didn’t help I knew I was providing a whole new perspective from his that probably challenged and even shattered some of his beliefs or views. So, ultimately, even though he’s moved on, I still hold love and wish only the best for him, occasionally saying a prayer that he might figure out how to reconcile his desires and find his happiness.

Abraham Hicks & Christ both say we’re supposed to be able to do that with everyone in our experience. I’ve yet to only find that capacity with a few people in my life. Maybe this situation has helped me to figure out how to make it easier to apply to more people. It’s worth a try.

Regardless, what I started with him, continued for a while with Hannah-at least before moving in, chaos, and baby’s birth put it on the sidelines. We 4 (including Nathan) share similar goals, so close it’s uncanny. There is definitely a lot of overlap. Nathan thinks it’s amazing, I consider it wonderful. I wish there were more of us to put action to the dreams. Yet, any way I look at that fact, I come up thinking: hopefully one of us figures out how to make it happen.

So I’ll close with what Hannah and I talked about last, before baby came into the world.

We had talked about the big dome. How she’d always thought of one style of earth home construction, and my showing her pictures of monolithic domes enabled her to see they have a similar look and feel, but are more stable, energy efficient, and more secure long term. We talked of things we had thought about for inside the home and considerations for how many people/ rooms to contemplate, & how family would function.

We talked about greenhouses and how similar our desires were in that regard too.

We even spoke of where this Atira concept might happen. I told her I’d thought Colorado might be a good place and my reasoning, but that I really didn’t know anything about the physicality of where in that state. Then in looking at my old artwork she noticed I’d used the same mountains in many of my images. I explained I didn’t really know where those mountains were, just that I’d found a magazine clipping of them years ago I’d liked and kept using it. She was confident it was very similar to some in the “garden of the gods” area, and proceeded to tell me about that part of Colorado, being that it’s one of her favorite areas in all the places she’s been.

All around it was a very feel good conversation, and reminded me of the many other good conversations with the boy, and early in mine and Nathan’s relationship.

To that end I did sketches of the dome to share with Hannah. So I’ll share them here too:

& once we started moving in, she insisted my painting of Atira get hung in the kitchen where everyone frequents. I appreciate that a lot, it helps.

I hope we all figure out how to be better translators and more loving to others in our world, and maybe, just maybe, one day, there will be many Atiras all over the world. That would be wonderful.

Ouch!

Watch “Abraham Hicks 💓 Let FUN guide you [NEW]” on YouTube

https://youtu.be/1sYIZMsL01M.

I’m so very guilty of this. Guess I understand at least part of why the last 3 years has gone the way it has. I really need figure out how to stay-permanently- on the positive vortex side.

It’s funny: scaring off people I really like on one hand; & introducing other friends to polyamory & law of attraction on the other hand (I’ve discovered different friends have gravitated to one or the other in the last couple of years, & I was the one that introduced the concepts). I literally told Nathan when he informed me of that: “Why the hell do I keep helping others find things I have yet to fully figure out for myself?!”

———

As for me:

I just keep getting better and better at solving a never ending slew of problems. Nursing is slowly resolving: they went ahead and clipped Katherine’s tongue-tie even though the front was mild, with a disclaimer that since it wasn’t bad it might not solve things, & the rear may be more significant, but also more costly to clip. It’s solved maybe 70% of the pain. The other 30% is very, very slowly backing off as my nipples heal. I really wish I could speed that process up more, but I’ve been told its going quickly compared to others with that much damage- probably because all the goop I’m using repeatedly. I’m also in the midst of figuring out adrenal & thyroid balance post birth to put an end to the emotional nose dives and roller coaster ride I’ve been on for the last 3 weeks. Nursing problems or not, I knew the extreme falls were needing an extra look, & my last 2 tweaks seem to have made significant headway.

Now I just need to get into the doc to renew my desicated thyroid prescription.

I do wish though that Dr. Illardi would revisit his Depression Cure book with postpartum needs and situations in mind, that puzzle could use his perspective. I’ve had a heck of a time trying to apply his findings to “eat when they eat, sleep when they sleep” new baby logic, while still attempting to retain the allergy needs dictated by 3rd trimester, trying to stimulate lactation, having difficulty with severe breast pain, and not being able to leave my room half as much as I’d prefer. It’s a puzzle that has already threatened to get the better of me, but as usual I’m fighting with all I’ve got.

——–

In other news:

The basement is also coming along well. Our “living room”/ multipurpose room is nearly complete, and we’re finally working on unpacking things beyond clothing.

The storage area behind the brown chair will eventually get covered with a curtain. That is once I’m certain the crack in the ceiling no longer leaks when it rains.

My child already made friends with the Lego’s in the new open floor space, but there is still room for 2 pieces of exercise equipment, a large dog kennel (blue sheeted cube) , & stacked tables for organizing short term storage & usables.

The other table currently a mess, is intended for being art space, and most (but not all) of what is on it is art supplies. To that end I fully intend to sort & organize to actually be able to use it for its intended purpose.

Nathan’s goal has been to tackle organizing our portion of kitchen stuff in the garage & to make the garage usable space again. He’s about three quarters of the way through that process, but it looks a ton better and you can actually walk around in the garage now (as opposed to squeezing through & still being afraid of tripping, like it was a couple of weeks ago).

It’s starting to feel like home, and to that end we’re getting closer to having everything moved. Nathan’s down to missed odds and ends, & the large outdoor items. Life is finally starting to seem normal again, and things are beginning to look pretty again. That I have to thank the gods for. I asked Kali almost 3 years ago to help me make things pretty again (when I hit the remodeling-brick-walls with the trailer), and it’s finally beginning to take shape, just not the way I thought it would. SO not the way I envisioned.

Anyway, Hannah is giving the home a glorious garden. She helped me rescue plants I’d started the previous 2 years. & those combined with her plants from before, her amazing touch, a bunch of seeds, and a few new plants, things are looking great.

The view of the Iris’ from our room is wonderful too.

Finally, I’ve made cards for a couple of people that were very generous with me this year, birthday & baby wise. I was going to make a 3rd, but that person is nearly blind, so I’m not sure yet how to honor her generosity. Beyond that, it’s taken me over a month, but I’m almost done with an adult coloring page I’m in love with- an elephant.

I can’t take full credit for the cards, the cats were inspired by a single kitty I saw somewhere, & the cover words were also found. I just put my personal touch on it, crafting it with watercolors on heavy art paper, feeling like that meant more than a store bought card. I hope they feel the same way when they get them.

——–

So up, and down, and all around.

My husband and Hannah both keep telling me that I’m amazing & should be congratulating myself. I still have difficulty seeing it, knowing the thousands of things I would still like to accomplish. I do have my moments where I’m like “Yeah I’m a bad-ass giving birth and all the challenges and I’m still trucking with a healthy beautiful baby to-boot”. I just wish I could figure out how to maintain those moments consistently without seeming like or sounding like a narcissistic bastard… Yes that is a fear of mine. Yet another challenge. …

My last request for the day: one less challenge to overcome, let something be easy for once. Let a something, for everyone, be easy for once.

*Siva Hir Su.*

Super-human or super-stupid?

I’m not sure which I am.

If the saying ” what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger” is accurate, then I’m likely verging on super-human. After everything, I just keep going. Pregnant, over worked, exhausted, and all. Like the Energizer Bunny of insanity. Butt dragging the whole damn way.

Insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.” – Unknown

Yep. I’m pretty sure they’re talking about me there. Or at least I feel that way at this very moment.

Three and a half months worth at least. Leaving me rocking myself in the dark, curling up in closets and other not-beds to sleep. Pushing away caring friends because I know they can’t solve my problems, and I don’t want to ruin my friendships complaining about them (the problems that is). I couldn’t bear being that friend that gets dumped because I don’t have anything positive to say in the present tense.

Yet Abraham Hicks stresses that what I’m doing is really insanity, just not how most perceive. The key is that word “expecting” in the definition of insanity.

I don’t know how to do differently, but I seem to think if I do this enough times I’ll get my desired outcome, but also expecting it’ll take divine intervention. Those are expectations. Expecting a “knight in shining armor” to come hold me and make things OK is yet another.

I want to believe the law of attraction, I want to believe that things will be OK, great in fact. But my damn brain keeps telling me: you’re working your ass off and still not getting anywhere, how the hell do you expect to do something less difficult and get way better results! 

AND there enlies my problem. You can’t get what you don’t believe is possible. 

Abraham is very clear on that front. All the work in the world, all the lottery tickets in the world, are meaningless if you don’t believe the desired result/outcome is possible for YOU.

It’s not that I don’t believe that there are jobs that are easy and pay a butt load of money. I’m very much aware of those. It’s not that I don’t believe that people win the lottery. I watch the news enough to know; I’ve seen the show about lottery winners. I know that generally speaking it’s totally a possibility.

My disbelief lies in myself. I’m under qualified, I’m too far in bad-debt to be hired for some jobs or buy a house, there’s too much at stake, I’m not that special…. Etc, etc. OR in my beliefs about possibility versus probability. It’s possible to win the lottery, but in my life that would simply be a straight up miracle. Which then circles back to my belief about not being special enough, why would the divine actually grant me a miracle. My brain wants to shoot down everything. Damn you brain!

Abraham says then: either work a way around the negative limiting belief, or distract yourself long enough to see a result that helps guide you toward believing.

I thought all this work time was distracting me, but apparently not enough. I’m still finding myself needing inner pep-talks. I’m still catching myself very down, crying frequently. I’m still getting hung up on the same half dozen topics (or a man). SO…. So much for distraction.

I guess I’m going to have to take the mentally hard route with every damn limiting belief. One At A Time.

How do you work around dozens of limiting beliefs. One at a time. Just pick one I suppose; you have to start somewhere.

So, I feel like I should start with that damn Midwest work ethic. That: you have to work hard to earn a fair living and get ahead. Because let’s face it, that’s what I’ve been doing for the last decade, and it’s BULLSHIT. I started early, before I even finished college. Took on a family that wasn’t mine (biologically speaking) at 21 years old. I’ve worked hard fairly continuously, and I’m further behind than when I started. Way, way further behind. A load of horse manure that was. Right up there with “a college education will get you a good paying job and get you ahead of others”. That too was a total crock of horse hockey. Maybe for some it’s accurate, but seriously not for me. Not even remotely.

So somehow I’m going to have to override those faulty programs by dancing around the topic. Literally looking for a twisty, curvy, windy path to believing that it would be possible, somehow, for me to work doing something fairly easy with plenty of time freedom, that would pay a buttload of money and not necessarily use either of my educations.

I think; I hope, that if I figure that one out, all the other limiting beliefs will collapse in short, much easier order. Alas, I have to tackle it first, then play the wait-and-see game again. Because (another limiting belief) instant gratification is only for food and frivolity in my world.

Can someone please invent a selective singular-memory-eraser! That is, right after someone invents the smart band that accurately tracks heart rate, blood pressure, blood glucose, and connects all of that in an app that also allows you to manually track meals, snacks, and activity levels (outside of walking/running/swimming). Oh, and it’d be awesome if that app just told your doctor everything so they’d actually believe you. Even better if it helped compile the data to uncover food allergies or other triggers…. Oh wait, doctors first have to admit that it’s even possible to do that (like I did with my first child). I suppose I’m a few decades ahead of my time in those expectations. It’ll get there, sometime next century (loaded with sarcasm)…. After they’ve killed off a few billion too many people and start losing all their trillions of profits they made from unnecessarily sick people.
OK, so you might be able to tell my mood today. This blog may have helped, but honestly I’ve got a few more stuck in the cogs that I hope an excess of sleep will eliminate. Wish me well and send me sleep blessings… I need it. My whole family needs it. I must figure out how to turn this forsaken ship around.